Okay to be upset about FB status about OM?

June 11, 2014

Don't start throwing **** cause it will get over EVERY one.

On a positive note - a suggestion - is that rather than trying to take down OM on Facebook - the better is for you to promote you Husband on FB. I always wished my wife would have posted something like "I am so lucky I ended up with the best man in my life, too many frogs out there I wasted my time with" or perhaps even more brazen and complimentary "so glad I end up with the best man in all things...."

But really, just because it's not a penis comment, is that any less tacky, humiliating, and personal-dirty-laundry-airing than the OP's situation? The quotes you are suggesting are just disingenuous (and transparent) swipes of the very same sort. I don't really see them as any less tacky.

June 11, 2014

I'm not really sure what this expression means.

It means that someone is going out of their way concerning themselves with someone else.

To me it shows a lack of confidence and self esteem.

You didn't have your affair because your OM was hung like a horse. The attempt at one upsmanship by your H here, shows he misses the point.

There is a lot more to an intimate relationship that sex and the size of a penis. You H is being immature by aiming this at him through social media.

That's what I am saying.

June 11, 2014

Ahhh.... whatever- so, he poked fun at the OM- he let his emotions get the best of him- so what-its a freaking FB post not a full page ad in the paper- people post all kinds of stuff like that on FB, its the land of passive/aggressive-cut the guy a break and let him make his own choices/mistakes, whatever-

June 11, 2014

Ahhh.... whatever- so, he poked fun at the OM- he let his emotions get the best of him- so what-its a freaking FB post not a full page ad in the paper- people post all kinds of stuff like that on FB, its the land of passive/aggressive-cut the guy a break and let him make his own choices/mistakes, whatever-

In social media it is a full ad in the local newspaper. But Regardless of what he is showing to world he is more showing it to his wife. That is the more important thing. He is failing twice.

June 11, 2014

Nah, it's FB, posts are a dime a dozen and if they don't make your feed you don't even see them. Seriously, it's being blown way out of proportion. He vented his frustration. I don't do passive aggressive on FB but I see it all the time. It gets no more than a shrug. Stop judging the guy and making it such a huge deal. My guess is it's already blown over.

It's not the end of the world that he's still mad at the OW. People hold grudges all the time. He has reason to. Just because he forgives his wife and not the OM doesn't mean he's some sort of freak.

June 11, 2014

Nah, it's FB, posts are a dime a dozen and if they don't make your feed you don't even see them. Seriously, it's being blown way out of proportion. He vented his frustration. I don't do passive aggressive on FB but I see it all the time. It gets no more than a shrug. Stop judging the guy and making it such a huge deal. My guess is it's already blown over.

It's not the end of the world that he's still mad at the OW. People hold grudges all the time. He has reason to. Just because he forgives his wife and not the OM doesn't mean he's some sort of freak.

As I said the more important thing was his wife, the person starting this thread.

I never said he was a freak, I said he was exposing his insecurity in public and more importantly to her.

June 11, 2014

So what, he's still a bit insecure. Truly I think the OP is overthinking this. It's a FB post for pity's sake!

June 11, 2014

If I didn't know better, I would think you were a person that was actively cheating.

Please don't have this conversation on my thread. If you are familiar with Realist, you know that he is in an ongoing affair that his wife knows about. I've seen way too many threads derailed by this conversation. Go post it on one of those.

June 11, 2014

OP, if not for this broadcasting to friends and FB by H, what would your status with fOM be at this moment? I ask because these types of broadcasts can backfire, if H's true goal is a healthy reconciliation.

In that vein, did you and H have an agreement about the ground rules regarding fOM and discussion/statements, etc, including or regarding him?

If anything, if I were wishing reconciliation, after an apparent 'outing' of the affair before it ended, the content of those interactions would become a private matter, as publicizing it could interfere with NC as well as the healing process, for both parties.

As I'm not familiar with your R process, are you folks going it alone or do you have help?

June 11, 2014

I think you completely missed my point. Best wishes.

Nah, just heading it off before it starts. I appreciate the posts, but as soon as this particular side conversation starts, the thread goes completely off-topic.

Btw, that was not directed at your posts in general, just the anticipated responses between you, realist and future posters about his affair status. Trust me, it's better not to go there on this thread.

June 11, 2014

OK, with the focus of the thread resolved, let's get back to discussing the topic. Thanks!

June 11, 2014

A good point was made about the post opening up communication on some level. Do you think it's the post or the reaction to the post that's the issue? I guess I just see it as a temporary swipe at the OW and not a huge deal. Maybe it's because I ignore more than half of what's posted on FB.

June 11, 2014

((CD))

Facebook (face palm) ...

Short of getting him to post back up on LS to chat, i enjoyed his side too.... so long as it does not go too far, he needs to vent. I think it is positive for him to help heal as strange as is sounds.

He is thrilled that he is more "manly" then the best friend he once trusted who took his wife and then did things with sexually that you did not do with him.... let him live his thrill. He was specific in what he wrote and specific things that bugged him. things that penis size matters to go up against.

It does not matter how he looks, it matters how he heals because it's about your marriage and how he needs to be the "man" , "your man"

all the best CD

June 11, 2014

I will admit I haven't read the entire thread so sorry if I repeat past covered thoughts.

If I recall correct H and OM were good friends before the A. This is a primal piss contest. Your H is pounding his chest and making it clear to OM he has won.

CD you can't view this as a reflection of you as a person. Sometimes its a must for a guy to do sh*t that guys do. Do your best to ignore it and in time he will see it for what it is and stop.

Let him pound his chest.

June 11, 2014

It may not be the "mature" thing to do but it's completely normal for the cheated on spouse to look for flaws in the affair partner and point them out to the wayward spouse. I know I have done this. My H confessed the affair to me at the beginning of March so it hasn't been that long since it ended.

It comes from a place of profound pain and insecurity.

I have tried not to express myself so much to my H because we are reconciling and what purpose would it serve? If OW had looked like [insert name of beautiful actress here] I probably would have felt even more insecure. In real life, she is an average looking woman with a lot of personal problems.

The problem here of course is putting it on social media where everyone can see it. I usually use Facebook passively (liking and commenting more on others' posts) so I wouldn't put something like that out there. I am also a very private person. Some people use it more as a source of social support.

I agree with the posters who say that if you cheated on your spouse and want to reconcile, you have to take your lumps...but only up to a point. If you are going to stay married he can't use you as a punching bag indefinitely. I think you need to have a frank discussion with your H about how he feels things are going.

June 11, 2014

I should also add that using the affair partner as a punching bag is usually a safer way of getting out anger and hurt, if you are trying to reconcile, because otherwise those emotions end up directed at the spouse that hurt you. I imagine it's worse since you say that OM was your husband's friend.

Of course the WS gets plenty of it too...I am in no way suggesting that I blame the OW/OM for the affair.

June 11, 2014

CD knows she cheated, her husband knows too, and from what I gather they are reconciling. That said your need to underscore the "massive betrayal" and the affair over and over seems tangential to me, as it has already been established.

But it kind of has to be repeated what a huge betrayal this was, since people seem to be having problems with what he is doing.

The topic isn't about whether the husband should be upset or not...she is not at all trying to dictate how he should feel, it's a matter of whether or not private marital issues should be put on FB for public consumption and when that happens what it does. Reconciliation from what I gather doesn't mean that EVERY single action taken by the BS is fair or even sensible...as a BS in anger may also add injury to themself by taking certain emotion-fueled actions.

Okay, but as I said: she stepped out on her husband with his best friend. She in no way gets to dictate what details of that affair are fit for public consumption. You don't get to cheat and then say to the person you betrayed "and you totally can't talk about it in public either".

She has every right to feel uncomfortable with it and she also clearly feels badly about cheating and isn't even sure if she has a "right" to be upset...but she does. It's not about reminding her about her "massive betrayal" which seems to be your take home point, it's also hardly about what YOU would do. You're very focused on how you would feel and what you would do if you were cheated on and this happened...which is fine, but let's bring it back to the person posting which isn't you and neither are you her husband so stepping outside of yourself a bit might be more useful.

Right, but it seems reminding is in order, because I can't believe she would even of asked him to take this down. That suggests she needs reminding to me. She has every right to feel uncomfortable, and the husband has every right to vent his issues in any manner he see's fit as long as nobody is getting hurt and yeah..this isn't hurting anyone really. Let the dude vent, don't be acting like you care about this other dude.

It's a bit too little too late for her to suddenly be worried about humiliating her husband. Especially when she just so happens to be worried about something that involves insulting the OM too.

As I already said, for me in any relationship, regardless of cheating, FB is OFF LIMITS! Period and point blank.

Sorry, but this is silly as hell. Cheating should be OFF LIMITS too. But it wasn't, so if you cheat you in no way, shape, or form get to then dictate to the man you cheated on what is off limits. The audacity would be astounding, the lack of respect would be astounding. You don't get to screw a guys best friend and then suddenly begin dictating what he can or can't say about his utter scum of a friend, and you don't get to dictate who he says it too. He can shout the guy has a tiny penis from the rooftops if he feels it would make him feel better.

but reconciliation is a two-way street, especially after a while and the relationship will never work if the other person is forever playing make up or can never express any dissatisfaction or preference without the A being thrown in their faces.

Maybe it won't help, but then that is the consequences of betrayal. If the cheater can't deal with this, they shouldn't be trying to reconcile.

I mean frankly, I don't know if I could reconcile because of this very thing

If you cheat on your husband and decide you don't want to reconcile because he publicly insults the dude you banged then trust me..your husband is better off with you not reconciling and just leaving him alone forever. I'd honestly ask you what exactly you expected the reconciliation to be like. It won't be easy, nor should you expect to not even one time have the affair thrown back in your face.

"Well you cheated so you better shut up" forever after (which seems to be your idea) then I don't see the point.

Nah, never said shut up forever. Merely saying pick your battles. This is not a battle she should pick. He wants to say the man who banged his wife is small in the pants? Let him. If you can't deal with it then like I said, she is better off just letting her husband go. Affairs have consequences, reconciliations are not perfect and can take years sometimes. That is, again, the consequences of banging your husbands BEST FRIEND. So you have been asking why I keep focusing on how huge a betrayal that is, but that is because the way people are replying it seems like they have forgotten. Like the husband should be over it when it's only been around a year? That is so incredibly naive to think this could be fixed in a year.

Seriously, it's a damn FB post. It's not the type of battle you want, and frankly she should of never even asked him to take it down. If the OM can bang his friends wife he can deal with people knowing he is small in the pants, and if he can't deal? Oh well, who cares?

Thing is, this behavior actually shows just how much he cares about his wife. The man is obviously still struggling and very hurt by what she did to him, yet he is STILL here and the worst he is doing is insulting the guy over FB. The fact he even speaks to her at all is a miracle. The fact that he didn't get upset when she asked him to take it down also says a lot about him. But no, all people want to say is "oh he is being petty". Let's ignore the utter strength of will it takes to even look your wife in the eyes again after such a betrayal. This also ignores the fact that apparently she has had recent urges to contact this utter scum of a man.

I honestly can't see how the husband didn't dump her right then and there the second he found out she was having those urges. Women who are sorry for their betrayal don't suddenly begin yearning to speak to the utter scum they cheated with. Not unless we just entered Bizarro World.

I've said it before and I will say it again: do not do the crime if you can't do the time, period. Frankly though, I'd let the poor husband go, unless these urges to speak to OM happened a very very very long time ago. As in, over 6 months at least. If the urges were more recent, well..yeah, the husband is better off finding someone else.

Edited June 11, 2014 by Spectre

June 11, 2014

CD, looking at it from H's perspective, this sorry POS not only destroyed a life-long friendship, he also defiled his wife and marriage. And the OM doesn't seem to have suffered any ill effects from the evil he brought to you and H. I'm sure CM is seething with hatred and resentment over this fact. This probably wasn't the best way of handling H's rage, but at least it's something.

June 11, 2014

CD, looking at it from H's perspective, this sorry POS not only destroyed a life-long friendship, he also defiled his wife and marriage. And the OM doesn't seem to have suffered any ill effects from the evil he brought to you and H. I'm sure CM is seething with hatred and resentment over this fact. This probably wasn't the best way of handling H's rage, but at least it's something.

I agree. Well said. The truth is that compared to what the husband has had to deal with this is minor. Although some have called it petty, petty is all he as unless he wants to go to jail.

@OP - If this is what your husband needs in order to vent, you need to support him on this.

June 11, 2014

I can understand why it made you uncomfortable. I can also understand why your H did it.

The good news is someone on your friends lists will probably - in the next 24 hours - post some weirdo news story or editorial comment about Obama or Miley Cyrus....and then everyone will forget all about this. They honestly probably already have.

Most people who use FB (myself included) just ignore and forget personal rantings or the like.

I see it as his way to deal with a trigger. Temporarily classless? Maybe. But you guys will get through this.

June 11, 2014

If the OM is not his friend on FB and he did not name him who cares??

Are you more embarrassed that you had an A with his friend with the small penis? But he doesn't mention that on his post...so why get upset????

What's done is done. I don't think it's a big deal, but you getting twisted over it may make your H feel some type of way.

He like many of us BS who have decided to stay have to deal with a lot to get past the A's. Let him deal with this however he needs to!

June 11, 2014

The more I think about it, the more I think the OP actually has zero right to really be upset over this. Since, why? What valid reasons? This in no way hurts her husband at all. This guy isn't his boss or anything. Anyone who knows enough to recognize what his comment means also knows the dude banged his wife so..it's doubtful this will make the H look that bad. So, what exactly is the problem? You certainly should not care at all if the OM is insulted.

If your husband can deal with you cheating with his best friend..do you not see it as not a good sign if you get upset over something so trivial in comparison? Because what is your problem with it and why did you say it humiliated you? Thing is, like I said anyone who will know what the comment means will KNOW you cheated..so, makes no sense why you are worried about them seeing your H insult this guy when they already know you cheated. So, they really aren't going to be judging you over the fact your H insulted a man who 100% deserved it. So I'm trying to figure out how it negatively effects you..compared to the overall knowledge of people knowing you cheated with his best friend. That is going to over shadow seeing your husband expressing anger he has every right to have.

So I'd maybe look inward as to why this upset you, because it frankly shouldn't of been something that irked you so much you asked him to take it down. People already know about your affair if they know what the comment means and who it refers to, I honestly don't see why the fact the guy had a tiny pee pee somehow makes it dramatically worse? Explain this to me. You realize most guys, instead of using FB to hurl insults, probably would of beaten the sh*t out of this guy? I know if my best friend got with my gf/wife he'd be getting more then some harsh words. I actually admire your husbands restraint and frankly you should too. Women who have done the same thing you did have lost everything because of it, keep that in mind next time you get upset because he merely insults the dude on FB.

OP, if not for this broadcasting to friends and FB by H, what would your status with fOM be at this moment? I ask because these types of broadcasts can backfire, if H's true goal is a healthy reconciliation.

If the man insulting the guy who banged his wife is going to cause reconciliation to backfire..then reconciliation shouldn't of even been started in the first place. Since it's actually not that big of a deal.

In that vein, did you and H have an agreement about the ground rules regarding fOM and discussion/statements, etc, including or regarding him?

The problem is the H might get pissed off if she tries to set ground rules for what this man can or can't say on FB about his scum bag friend.

If anything, if I were wishing reconciliation, after an apparent 'outing' of the affair before it ended

That is the thing, if the affair has been outed why the hell does it matter if the H says the guy has a small penis? Why is that small bit of info(pun totally intended) THAT damning in comparison to the betrayal of your spouse for their best friend?

Also wait you said the affair was outed before it ended. Does..wait, are you telling me the affair was outed and the OP continued to cheat? Tell me I'm misunderstanding you, because if true that makes being upset over this all the more insane.

as publicizing it could interfere with NC

Why on earth does it interfere with NC? The OP has no reason to break no contact. The man she cheated with should likewise have NO way to contact her. He should be blocked on any form of social media, and she sure as hell better not be answering any phone calls she gets from him. If NC is broken, it's because the OP wanted it broken and used this as a(very lame) excuse to do so. Don't blame that on the H.

as well as the healing process, for both parties.

Saying he has a tiny penis is going to interfere with the healing? Really? It's not worth healing then in my opinion. If such an utterly trivial thing interferes the priorities in this marriage and its reconciliation are way out of whack.

Edited June 11, 2014 by Spectre

June 11, 2014

Since, Mr. Spectre, I didn't address the question to you, your response is irrelevant to the topic.

June 11, 2014

I should also add that using the affair partner as a punching bag is usually a safer way of getting out anger and hurt, if you are trying to reconcile, because otherwise those emotions end up directed at the spouse that hurt you. I imagine it's worse since you say that OM was your husband's friend.

It's not just worse, it makes this a completely different situation. What you are describing (the misdirection of anger that should fall on the WS towards the AP) applies in the vast majority of affair situations.

But given that this was not just the husband's "friend", but a good and (supposedly) close friend, the husband is also working through a betrayal by the friend himself, in a very personal way.

In fact, I wonder if the OP in this thread is internalizing things a bit too much here. Perhaps this part of the husband's lashing out really doesn't have that much to do with her. In fact, by choosing the husband's close friend to cheat with, she laid the ground for the husband to have a valid grievance against both her and his good friend. She's created two wounds in her husband, and this is his response - not to her, but to that second wound.

Indeed, I can understand her feeling embarrassed, but maybe this part of his process isn't really about her at this point. Maybe she doesn't get ownership of this part.

June 12, 2014

CD, you shouldn't care in the least that your husband is holding this former scumbag "friend" up for ridicule. It's the very least he deserves. Had it been me instead of CM that you two had betrayed, the POSOM would have been licking some pretty serious injuries. Way to go, CM, that you didn't give in to the desire to make him suffer physically. Outing this needle-dik is small potatoes.

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