Okay to be upset about FB status about OM?

[Spectre]

To be honest I think I can bottom line it: OP, it might be humiliating, but I think you just need to deal with it. Your husband has sure had to deal with humiliation. I'm not saying two wrongs make a right, but you definitely should not make a big fuss over this nor should you ask him again to take it down. Let this one go, if it makes him feel better then meh..nobody gets hurt really.

 

Also come on now, do you know what most people are going to think if they see this? They are merely going to think you lied to your husband and told him the guy you cheated with was small in the pants in order to make him feel better. I know that is the conclusion I would come to. Which, isn't exactly that far off since you yourself admitted to exaggerating about that. So as weird as it may sound: just let him have this. It's not worth risking your marriage over. It's not worth risking him, even for a single second, thinking you are feeling this way because you care what happens to the OM.

[dezzi]

Outside perspective and personal opinion is that it is tasteless and juvenile to take your issues to fb. Whether it is directly or in a passive aggresive way. Your husband should grow up and not resort to penis comments after what I am assuming is over a year. He is not doing himself any favors in moving on.

 

But you? You can think or feel anyway you want but you got caught confessed and now are in what sounds like an unequal marriage. If you have not found balance again where you can call him out for childish behavior than keep your mouth shut and let him hang himself. It doesn't sound like he much cares what you think about this as you were involved with this man. Hopefully he has someone in his life he listens to that has a hood head on their shoulders and will set him straight if this is more than just a one time jab but rather the start of or the sign of something very unhealthy.

[whichwayisup]

You gotta think about something here, Carhill.

 

He may well have forgiven CompulsiveDancer...but may well still have a lot of anger left over for OM. Entirely possible. It took me much longer to work through my anger against OM than it did with that for my wife...much longer than a year, in fact.

 

CD...does it really matter to you?

 

Those who don't know what it means won't care about it one way or another. Those that do know...probably won't care either.

 

Yes...it's a bit petty. Your H is still hurt by what happened. Unless this is really a big deal to you personally (and I honestly think it shouldn't be so much at this point to you), I'd let it go.

 

Is it worth the risk of coming across as defending OM to your H?

 

I'll add, the OM wasn't just some OM, he was her husband's best friend.. So he has dealt with double betrayal and a knife in the back by 2 people he cared about and loved.

 

Publicly saying stuff on FB isn't the right way of dealing with it but obviously he is still angry and wants to take a jab at the exOM.

[Realist3]

I don' think it's OK. It's undignified and petty,

 

 

Nothing like a good old penis war.

 

I don't care what the reason is for posting it, itis most certainly undignified.

 

And yes I know the article in question.

[Realist3]

CD, it seems like your OM is still living rent free in your husbands head, small penis and all.

[Raven3321]

CD,

 

 

I'm much more concerned about how you see your husband after this. What you feel about him is the most important thing here. Something like this can diminish your view of him and slightly lower your respect of him. I agree that it's a bit childish. However, don't let this in any way lower your view of him. This and things like it, can subtly creep in and twist your view of his value as a man and as a husband......it can even spark in you a renewed sympathetic interest in the OM as the victim. And as you've been struggling with your urges to contact the OM, this could spell disaster if you don't handle your emotions right.

 

 

I guess what I'm saying is, stand by your man (cue in Tammy Wynette). Even if this makes him look small in others eyes, stand by him anyway. His ambiguous rant may not be smart but it is understandable. Pick your fights.........this isn't one of them.

[Spectre]

Outside perspective and personal opinion is that it is tasteless and juvenile to take your issues to fb. Whether it is directly or in a passive aggresive way. Your husband should grow up and not resort to penis comments after what I am assuming is over a year. He is not doing himself any favors in moving on.

 

Let him move on as he see's fit. Thing is, everyone is different. What helps one move on might not help another. Also what does it having been over a year mean? You don't really heal from betrayal like this in just a year, and you can add even more time onto that since she betrayed him with his best friend. A year comes nowhere close to enough time to deal with that.

 

But you? You can think or feel anyway you want but you got caught confessed

 

I'm confused how you can say she both got caught and confessed. If she got caught then a confession would be irrelevant. Kind of like if someone has a video tape of me robbing a store, does it matter if I confess? Does it make it look dignified if I confess to something I know they already know?

 

and now are in what sounds like an unequal marriage.

 

Of course the marriage is unequal, that kind of started when one person began an affair with his best friend. It will be a while before the marriage is truly equal again, if it ever is. Sucks I know, but then those are the consequences of cheating on a man with his best friend. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

 

If you have not found balance again where you can call him out for childish behavior than keep your mouth shut and let him hang himself.

 

She can certainly call him out on childish behavior, unless it has to do with calling him out over her being upset of him saying stuff about the guy she cheated with. With that, yes, the mouth does need to be kept shut I'd say. If he hangs himself then so be it. Better that then him thinking she has any feelings for his friend.

 

I don't think anyone is going to pretend this is the ideal situation, but if you ask me his friend got off lucky that all that happened if his affair was exposed.

 

It doesn't sound like he much cares what you think about this as you were involved with this man.

 

You are probably correct that when it comes to this he certainly doesn't care what she thinks. I don't even know the man and I can more or less guarantee that.

 

Hopefully he has someone in his life he listens to that has a hood head on their shoulders and will set him straight

 

I actually doubt this will happen and here is why: this man was already betrayed by his wife and his BEST friend. Honestly? I don't think any of his friends would actually call him out on this, even if they did believe it was wrong. They aren't going to want to kick the poor guy when he is down.

 

if this is more than just a one time jab but rather the start of or the sign of something very unhealthy.

 

It could certainly be a sign of something unhealthy. That is one of the pitfalls of cheating, the person betrayed can be totally on board with wanting to forgive you and reconcile, but it doesn't mean they will actually be able to. Heck, in some cases they might even think they have forgiven when they really haven't, because getting betrayed so badly messes with your head.

[beach]

Your H may view it as you defending your OM.

 

I'd let it go and not say anything further.

 

It really is between them. I can understand your H wanting to hurt the OM. This may be his way of doing that.

 

More than anything - it doesn't reflect kindly on your H - but neither did the cheating.

 

The OM deserves any and all embarrassment coming his way - he earned it when he screwed around with his best friends wife.

 

 

If I were you - I'd allow them to hash it out on their own. Maybe your H is getting some strength to speak his truth - beware = it could get uglier as he realizes his anger.

 

Can't blame him though...it may be his way of dealing with it.

[Spectre]

CD, it seems like your OM is still living rent free in your husbands head, small penis and all.

 

Yeah, this is kind of a given since that is his BEST FRIEND WHO SLEPT WITH HIS WIFE. He won't forget, ever and like it or not because of the actions of his wife..dude is going to be staying rent free in his head for a while, so she needs to get used to the extra tenant or leave the marriage.

 

CD,I'm much more concerned about how you see your husband after this. What you feel about him is the most important thing here. Something like this can diminish your view of him and slightly lower your respect of him. I agree that it's a bit childish. However, don't let this in any way lower your view of him. This and things like it, can subtly creep in and twist your view of his value as a man and as a husband......it can even spark in you a renewed sympathetic interest in the OM as the victim. And as you've been struggling with your urges to contact the OM, this could spell disaster if you don't handle your emotions right.

 

That would be all kinds of messed up if she let this effect her respect for her husband, the same guy trying to forgive her for such a horrible betrayal. I would say leave your husband then if this makes her lose even a tiny bit of respect. Since that in turn would mean she has zero respect for him.

 

Also, what is this about having recent urges to contact the OM? If she is having urges about contacting the OM not only is that horribly messed up, but it means she definitely is NOT worrying about the right things. If I was the husband and I found out she was having those kind of urges I'd of dumped her immediately. So either her husband is the most forgiving man ever or she has not been honest with him about these urges, which is all kinds of messed up.

 

I honestly don't see the point of reconciling then, why bother if you still have urges for the other dude? Please tell me these urges were merely to tell the OM how much of an utter tool he is.

 

Your H may view it as you defending your OM.

 

I'd let it go and not say anything further.

 

It really is between them. I can understand your H wanting to hurt the OM. This may be his way of doing that.

 

More than anything - it doesn't reflect kindly on your H - but neither did the cheating.

 

The OM deserves any and all embarrassment coming his way - he earned it when he screwed around with his best friends wife.

 

 

If I were you - I'd allow them to hash it out on their own. Maybe your H is getting some strength to speak his truth - beware = it could get uglier as he realizes his anger.

 

Can't blame him though...it may be his way of dealing with it.

 

Plus better this then the H goes and tries to beat this scumbag down. Which the OM should be thankful the H didn't do that a long time ago.

Edited June 10, 2014 by Spectre

[MissBee]

H just posted an article on Facebook about penis size, with a heading about OM that does not use his name but fairly clearly identifies him.

 

Last year, H told me he wouldn't use FB for war with OM, but I had to ask him to remove a few posts when he was angry. And they were not about something like this.

 

I know H has told several friends that OM is small (true, if exaggerated). I think it's petty, but ultimately I think he's justified. This is another story - well over a year later, he's announcing it to the world.

 

It's humiliating and it makes H look petty. I haven't thrown a stink, but I asked him to take it down. He won't. He says the 1% who know what it means can deal with it.

 

Is this okay? I honestly don't know. If he wrote it about someone else, I'd make him take it down. But do I have any right to be upset about this?

 

I'd be upset.

 

You have a right to be upset.

 

It's not about the OM, but as you said your husband making himself look petty.

 

In general I am absolutely NOT a fan of people using FB to post "subliminal" messages or otherwise air their private lives and grievances about their private lives in such a public space. It's completely tacky and can come back to bite you. I don't do it and would hate for a SO to do it. So with that general attitude, yes I'd ask my spouse to remove the heading, not because I care about the OM but because I don't want him to look bad posting about penis sizes and tying it to other men neither do I want to in turn look bad because my husband is posting about other men's penis sizes.

 

For me, that's a talk I would have in any relationship, where our private lives and relationship grievances were OFF LIMITS for the public consumption of Facebook.

[Spectre]

It's not about the OM, but as you said your husband making himself look petty.

 

No, at least he isn't making himself look that way to everyone. To me, he looks like a man grieving and still struggling with such a massive betrayal. Possibly he is a man doing everything he can to keep himself from going crazy over this betrayal.

 

It's completely tacky and can come back to bite you.

 

Yes, it is often things in life do come back to bite you. Sort of like an affair might come back to bite someone, just to give an example.

 

not because I care about the OM but because I don't want him to look bad posting about penis sizes and tying it to other men

 

Yeah see it is FINE to feel that way, as long as she doesn't actually say it because let me tell you something: if I was cheated on and then the woman who did it was worried about making me look bad, all I'd be thinking is "it's funny you worry about this when it has to do with humiliating the other man, but you didn't worry about it when it came to humiliating and betraying me by getting with my friend". So you can see why the best option here is "don't say anything". Since, if she says something and phrases is the wrong way(kind of the very same way you just did, in fact) then it's going to make things worse.

 

either do I want to in turn look bad because my husband is posting about other men's penis sizes.

 

If a woman cheated on me and then was worried about ME making HER look bad, I'd have great amusement at the audacity of such a thing.

 

For me, that's a talk I would have in any relationship, where our private lives and relationship grievances were OFF LIMITS for the public consumption of Facebook.

 

For me, I don't think she has any right whatsoever to dictate what details of her betrayal and affair are fit for public consumption. That right went bye bye the moment she got with his friend. So see, again you prove why it is best to NOT SAY ANYTHING. There are too many ways for the husband to take this the wrong way.

[Realist3]

Yeah, this is kind of a given since that is his BEST FRIEND WHO SLEPT WITH HIS WIFE. He won't forget, ever and like it or not because of the actions of his wife..dude is going to be staying rent free in his head for a while, so she needs to get used to the extra tenant or leave the marriage.

 

Yes, I know all of that, but he is giving OM too much power, and showing his wife he does. Not smart.

[tornapart2002]

He's still working through things. I'd probably give him a break a bit, but I refrain from putting too much on FB that elludes to our situation because too many people in this small town are already flapping their jaws about it, including my hairdresser neighbor who can't keep her damn mouth shut.

 

H just posted an article on Facebook about penis size, with a heading about OM that does not use his name but fairly clearly identifies him.

 

Last year, H told me he wouldn't use FB for war with OM, but I had to ask him to remove a few posts when he was angry. And they were not about something like this.

 

I know H has told several friends that OM is small (true, if exaggerated). I think it's petty, but ultimately I think he's justified. This is another story - well over a year later, he's announcing it to the world.

 

It's humiliating and it makes H look petty. I haven't thrown a stink, but I asked him to take it down. He won't. He says the 1% who know what it means can deal with it.

 

Is this okay? I honestly don't know. If he wrote it about someone else, I'd make him take it down. But do I have any right to be upset about this?

[MissBee]

No, at least he isn't making himself look that way to everyone. To me, he looks like a man grieving and still struggling with such a massive betrayal. Possibly he is a man doing everything he can to keep himself from going crazy over this betrayal.

 

 

 

Yes, it is often things in life do come back to bite you. Sort of like an affair might come back to bite someone, just to give an example.

 

 

 

Yeah see it is FINE to feel that way, as long as she doesn't actually say it because let me tell you something: if I was cheated on and then the woman who did it was worried about making me look bad, all I'd be thinking is "it's funny you worry about this when it has to do with humiliating the other man, but you didn't worry about it when it came to humiliating and betraying me by getting with my friend". So you can see why the best option here is "don't say anything". Since, if she says something and phrases is the wrong way(kind of the very same way you just did, in fact) then it's going to make things worse.

 

 

 

If a woman cheated on me and then was worried about ME making HER look bad, I'd have great amusement at the audacity of such a thing.

 

 

 

For me, I don't think she has any right whatsoever to dictate what details of her betrayal and affair are fit for public consumption. That right went bye bye the moment she got with his friend. So see, again you prove why it is best to NOT SAY ANYTHING. There are too many ways for the husband to take this the wrong way.

 

CD knows she cheated, her husband knows too, and from what I gather they are reconciling. That said your need to underscore the "massive betrayal" and the affair over and over seems tangential to me, as it has already been established.

 

The topic isn't about whether the husband should be upset or not...she is not at all trying to dictate how he should feel, it's a matter of whether or not private marital issues should be put on FB for public consumption and when that happens what it does. Reconciliation from what I gather doesn't mean that EVERY single action taken by the BS is fair or even sensible...as a BS in anger may also add injury to themself by taking certain emotion-fueled actions.

 

She has every right to feel uncomfortable with it and she also clearly feels badly about cheating and isn't even sure if she has a "right" to be upset...but she does. It's not about reminding her about her "massive betrayal" which seems to be your take home point, it's also hardly about what YOU would do. You're very focused on how you would feel and what you would do if you were cheated on and this happened...which is fine, but let's bring it back to the person posting which isn't you and neither are you her husband so stepping outside of yourself a bit might be more useful.

 

I think the point here is for her to come up with a solution of how she and her husband can choose to handle their private business going forward: will they do it in a way that is healthy for their relationship and reconciliation or will they do it in divisive ways? As I already said, for me in any relationship, regardless of cheating, FB is OFF LIMITS! Period and point blank. That is my personal requirement and the matter of an affair doesn't relax this boundary for me. In all my relationships we practice discretion and keeping our dirty laundry for private consumption only....I certainly understand that should I cheat I am not setting myself up to have the best bargaining chips here, but reconciliation is a two-way street, especially after a while and the relationship will never work if the other person is forever playing make up or can never express any dissatisfaction or preference without the A being thrown in their faces. I mean frankly, I don't know if I could reconcile because of this very thing and I don't know if I would ever get to a place where I felt I wasn't punishing my SO, BUT if I did decide to reconcile it would be with the understanding that we still need to have an equal relationship where our NEW boundaries are respected and negotiated and if it's a game of "Well you cheated so you better shut up" forever after (which seems to be your idea) then I don't see the point.

Edited June 10, 2014 by MissBee

[tornapart2002]

If I were her I wouldn't want OM near her or the marriage she is trying to rebuild. That's where my worry would come in and why I try not to put up things (anymore..siiiigh...I did fail in this) directed at the OW on any social media. It makes them think they are more important than they are. But on the angry days...yeah...I've failed and put up some quotes about homewreckers etc. Not really proud of myelf, of course.

 

But it's a process of working through things and we're going to do things we aren't proud of while we work through them.

 

And then suffer later sometimes. lol

 

CD, I have followed your posts. I have some concerns with this development.

 

1. You said that you were afraid that OM would respond in an effort to defend himself. Why does that bother you? On one hand, I see it as a fear that OM may say things that contradict what you told your BH and that spells trouble as it calls into question your transparency and whether there is still some TT going on. On the other hand, maybe you feel that OM will make false statements which will create tension with your BH. Which is it? Either way, trouble may loom and that brings me to my second point.

 

2. Your asking BH to take it down is likely to create problems for BH. It seems like you're protecting OM or yourself, and it may raise suspicions. Your comment that if he said that about anyone else you would ask him to take it down will ring hollow. I'm not accusing you of anything when I say that, and I mean that. What I mean is that he made the comments about the OM. They are not about someone else. To protect OM in any way is gonna plant a bad seed. I seem to recall that there was some lurking on some website regarding OM, by you not too long ago. This may not be the time to make a protest, even a legitimate one.

[compulsivedancer]

Hard to say. Is the OM married? Did you work with him?

 

He has a girlfriend of about 8 years. Although she is a pretty private person, and can't possibly have enjoyed H's widespread disclosure. We did work together very briefly, prior to the A.

 

You gotta think about something here, Carhill.

 

He may well have forgiven CompulsiveDancer...but may well still have a lot of anger left over for OM. Entirely possible. It took me much longer to work through my anger against OM than it did with that for my wife...much longer than a year, in fact.

 

Of course, he does. He didn't reconcile with OM, and isn't attempting to.

 

CD...does it really matter to you?

 

I don't know. I thought he was done doing this, so now I'm not sure what to expect. A year ago he told me he wouldn't post this crap online, and now he is.

 

Those who don't know what it means won't care about it one way or another. Those that do know...probably won't care either.

 

Hopefully this is the case. BTW, there is NOTHING ambiguous about his post. Though he didn't mention OM by name, there is exactly one person who fits the description he posted.

 

Is it worth the risk of coming across as defending OM to your H?

 

No, too late, though. Nothing I say on the subject could ever come across as anything EXCEPT that for him.

 

On a positive note - a suggestion - is that rather than trying to take down OM on Facebook - the better is for you to promote you Husband on FB. I always wished my wife would have posted something like "I am so lucky I ended up with the best man in my life, too many frogs out there I wasted my time with" or perhaps even more brazen and complimentary "so glad I end up with the best man in all things...."

 

That is a good idea. I actually avoided this early on, as I kind of though H would find it insulting, but I think those days are past. I generally haven't posted that stuff because I find it so sickening when other couples do…especially when they have obvious marital issues.

 

Have you considered telling your H that you find this PERSONALLY humiliating?

 

I can see why it might strike you that way, and that seems to me as the most valid reason you could present to your husband to ask him to take it down. Because it's a reminder to YOU of the affair, and it hurts YOU to see it posted up there.

 

You are vague about how you see this as humiliating. Can you elaborate on exactly what you mean by it. I think this will allow for a better understanding as to why it bothers you so much.

 

It's humiliating because he's telling the whole world about our marital issues, including people I probably don't even know. His entire high school class, as well as the whole town he grew up in could figure out EXACTLY who he was talking about. I'm so glad that a ton of people I've never even met now think of me as a whor3.

 

It's humiliating because the whole thing is humiliating. I did something pretty low and disgusting and hurt a lot of people in the process. And now it's smeared across the internet to anyone he knows.

 

It's humiliating because we both use social media for work purposes, and we live in a smallish - medium-sized town, so we come into contact with these people again and again. Both of our reputations are compromised; I cared a lot less about this a year ago when I had a lower-profile job.

 

I'm humiliated for him because he is known as a man of character, and saying something so low is beneath him. For all the people he tries to mentor, all the people he tries to set an example for, here he is out crucifying someone on FB (who cares if it's justified - those who don't get it don't know that!)

[compulsivedancer]

Anyway CD, your BH gets angry from time to time and needs to express himself somehow. You can advise him that his anger is inappropriate - that's always your right - but be very careful. Judging his anger might feel like judging his feelings over your affair. Dangerous.

 

I'm not upset with him for being angry. That is justified. I just wish he wouldn't splash it all over Facebook.

 

 

Your H may be hitting his anger phase towards a man who was once his best friend.

 

Tell him how you feel BUT support him in how he feels. The OM is a grown up and will handle this as he sees fit.

 

So will your H.

 

I think he hit the anger stage last summer. Not that that means he is less angry now.

 

 

I really think your husband's actions against the good friend "OM" is a separate issue he is struggling with. I believe it triggers him that you don't see the difference and perhaps still believes you are protecting the OM in this instance.

 

your husband seems frustrated and his ego is bruised, as far as he see's it, his ex good friend got away with humiliating him.

 

I know.

 

CD, I have followed your posts. I have some concerns with this development.

 

1. You said that you were afraid that OM would respond in an effort to defend himself. Why does that bother you? On one hand, I see it as a fear that OM may say things that contradict what you told your BH and that spells trouble as it calls into question your transparency and whether there is still some TT going on. On the other hand, maybe you feel that OM will make false statements which will create tension with your BH. Which is it? Either way, trouble may loom and that brings me to my second point.

 

 

I have always been concerned that OM would retaliate. I don't think he would, but if H pressed him in the ways that he has suggested in the past, I think OM would feel like he had to. OM has a lot of privileged information about us. I don't even know what he knows.

 

He knows a lot from H's perspective, and he knows a lot from me. Additionally, he was my computer tech, he probably saved all of our text conversations, and who knows if he surreptitiously took naked photos of me (this seems likely, actually). If he wanted to go to war, he could.

 

I'm not worried about what he'd say to H. If I left anything out, it was accidental. Also, OM would minimize, minimize, minimize anyhow. He had the chance to tell all on DDay and instead tried to convince H that we only had sex three times. He is terrified of H beating him up, and for good reason.

 

You may be overestimating how much most people care what your h posts on Facebook, beyond a passing whisper or speculation.

 

View it as a reminder of his continuing pain. Focus on helping him through it, not fighting him.

 

This is the best advice I've heard so far.

 

Which, isn't exactly that far off since you yourself admitted to exaggerating about that. So as weird as it may sound: just let him have this. It's not worth risking your marriage over. It's not worth risking him, even for a single second, thinking you are feeling this way because you care what happens to the OM.

 

Actually, what I meant was that H exaggerated considerably in his FB post. I did not - what I told him was accurate.

 

I wish I could just let him have it. That's what I should have done. But I already talked to him and I'm not really capable of keeping my mouth shut. Of course, all he hears is that I'm defending OM. Which I'm not. H and I have more to lose from this type of thing than OM does.

 

CD, it seems like your OM is still living rent free in your husbands head, small penis and all.

 

I'm not really sure what this expression means.

 

CD,

I guess what I'm saying is, stand by your man (cue in Tammy Wynette). Even if this makes him look small in others eyes, stand by him anyway. His ambiguous rant may not be smart but it is understandable. Pick your fights.........this isn't one of them.

 

What I said above.

 

On an unrelated note: Yay me for finally figuring out LS's multiquote function!

Edited June 11, 2014 by compulsivedancer

[Snowflower]

This is a good opportunity for you to talk to your H and see what is going on with him. The debate is endless about the right and wrong with regard to the Facebook post but clearly there is something going on with your H for him to do this. Talk to him.

[Hope Shimmers]

Now I remember why I hate Facebook.

 

At this point, it's been on everyone's newsfeed and they probably have all seen it anyway, so it's probably pointless... sorry you are dealing with this.

[road]

H just posted an article on Facebook about penis size, with a heading about OM that does not use his name but fairly clearly identifies him.

 

Last year, H told me he wouldn't use FB for war with OM, but I had to ask him to remove a few posts when he was angry. And they were not about something like this.

 

I know H has told several friends that OM is small (true, if exaggerated). I think it's petty, but ultimately I think he's justified. This is another story - well over a year later, he's announcing it to the world.

 

It's humiliating and it makes H look petty. I haven't thrown a stink, but I asked him to take it down. He won't. He says the 1% who know what it means can deal with it.

 

Is this okay? I honestly don't know. If he wrote it about someone else, I'd make him take it down. But do I have any right to be upset about this?

 

 

 

 

 

Why are you upset with BH's actions?

[tornapart2002]

This is so hard. You're hurting. He's hurting. I am there. My husband is there.Could you try to express this to him while explaining you know how much pain and hurt he is in and how you know he feels the need to express that somehow?

 

I know how he feels because I am feeling he same way right now. I want to stake a claim on my husband and show the OW he's mine...put itall over FB and Google Plus and anywhere else I know she posts. But I keep reminding myself I don't want to stoop to her level (she puts everything online and acts like she made the decision to end the affair not my husband...it's screwed up and I am not saying my situation is anything like yours)

 

I will be thinking of you and I'm sorryfor your pain.

 

It's humiliating because he's telling the whole world about our marital issues, including people I probably don't even know. His entire high school class, as well as the whole town he grew up in could figure out EXACTLY who he was talking about. I'm so glad that a ton of people I've never even met now think of me as a whor3.

 

It's humiliating because the whole thing is humiliating. I did something pretty low and disgusting and hurt a lot of people in the process. And now it's smeared across the internet to anyone he knows.

 

It's humiliating because we both use social media for work purposes, and we live in a smallish - medium-sized town, so we come into contact with these people again and again. Both of our reputations are compromised; I cared a lot less about this a year ago when I had a lower-profile job.

 

I'm humiliated for him because he is known as a man of character, and saying something so low is beneath him. For all the people he tries to mentor, all the people he tries to set an example for, here he is out crucifying someone on FB (who cares if it's justified - those who don't get it don't know that!)

[joanofark]

Not for nothing, but you are defending YOURSELF. Not only is your BH taking a dig at OM, he is taking a dig at YOU. While not directly, obviously you are the reason he is posting it at all. I would not give him carte blanche to work through this in such a manner. Boundaries need to be set. He is looking for attention.

[road]

He has a girlfriend of about 8 years. Although she is a pretty private person, and can't possibly have enjoyed H's widespread disclosure. We did work together very briefly, prior to the A.

 

 

 

 

 

That is a good idea. I actually avoided this early on, as I kind of though H would find it insulting, but I think those days are past. I generally haven't posted that stuff because I find it so sickening when other couples do…especially when they have obvious marital issues.

 

 

 

 

 

It's humiliating because he's telling the whole world about our marital issues, including people I probably don't even know. His entire high school class, as well as the whole town he grew up in could figure out EXACTLY who he was talking about. I'm so glad that a ton of people I've never even met now think of me as a whor3.

 

It's humiliating because the whole thing is humiliating. I did something pretty low and disgusting and hurt a lot of people in the process. And now it's smeared across the internet to anyone he knows.

 

It's humiliating because we both use social media for work purposes, and we live in a smallish - medium-sized town, so we come into contact with these people again and again. Both of our reputations are compromised; I cared a lot less about this a year ago when I had a lower-profile job.

 

I'm humiliated for him because he is known as a man of character, and saying something so low is beneath him. For all the people he tries to mentor, all the people he tries to set an example for, here he is out crucifying someone on FB (who cares if it's justified - those who don't get it don't know that!)

 

 

 

I read your reasons.

 

 

Though to a BH you come across as still trying to protect the OM as well.

 

 

As to people finding out that you had a PA brings about the old saying never do anything that you would not want to see reported in the newspaper.

 

 

You are facing consequences. They lessen with time though there is no statute of limitations on consequences.

[whichwayisup]

Once again your H doing this puts you both back a few steps. Remember anniversary of Dday and he wanted you out of the house and he wanted to be 'alone' to reminisce about it all alone?

 

And now this.

 

Sorry but your husband is far from over it. Either he needs to go talk to someone one on one and you two up your times doing marriage counseling and go more often or things will continue this way. Any real progress that has been made is pushed backwards. He doesn't trust you and still thinks you're defending exOM.

 

He is on a hate-on for exOM, wanting him to suffer. he isn't thinking of his own reputation or what anybody else thinks of you, your marriage either.

[Furious]

CD, I have a soft spot for you, in a kind of mother hen as if you were my daughter.

 

I agree that broadcasting personal issues on a social media site is in bad taste and will do nothing other than feeding gossip mills as an invitation to ridicule.

 

But...so what....facebook in my opinion is a self marketing tool that rarely represents the reality of what is advertised. I refer to facebook as fakebook, it's surreal how many people I intimately know who's lives are no way as ideal as they project.

 

I really am worried about your husband, you have his character on a pedestal.

 

There is nothing more suffocating than being the "good guy or good gal" and being called out from that identity by those who get away with making "mistakes". Your husband is not a saint, he is rebelling against the good guy label, probably because being the good guy has backfired on him.

 

He's angry, probably more angry at himself than he is at you or the OM.

Edited June 11, 2014 by Furious