Okay to be upset about FB status about OM?

June 10, 2014

H just posted an article on Facebook about penis size, with a heading about OM that does not use his name but fairly clearly identifies him.

Last year, H told me he wouldn't use FB for war with OM, but I had to ask him to remove a few posts when he was angry. And they were not about something like this.

I know H has told several friends that OM is small (true, if exaggerated). I think it's petty, but ultimately I think he's justified. This is another story - well over a year later, he's announcing it to the world.

It's humiliating and it makes H look petty. I haven't thrown a stink, but I asked him to take it down. He won't. He says the 1% who know what it means can deal with it.

Is this okay? I honestly don't know. If he wrote it about someone else, I'd make him take it down. But do I have any right to be upset about this?

June 10, 2014

Hard to say. Is the OM married? Did you work with him? Did your H expose the affair to his wife, family, and work? If not, then a snarky FB post is pretty tame, even if lame.

June 10, 2014

I think I'd tell my spouse that if 1% believe its about OM, the other 99% believe its about HIM.

thats what I would think if I saw "small penis" info on a mans FB

June 10, 2014

I think it's his way of dealing with the anger and bitterness...so..let it go. It does make your husband seem petty and um..not very bright, but so what? He probably knows that or will realize it soon. A few centuries back, he'd have the option of murdering the OM or you or both. Lacking that, a FB status should be just fine.

June 10, 2014

IMO, if H has forgiven your affair and you and he are reconciling, he needs a boundary check. That kind of hurling personal marriage business out into public, even if couched in ambiguity, has no place in a reconciliation. A professional counselor would be happy to educate him about healthy marital reconciliation and its boundaries.

If he hasn't forgiven your affair, then it appears you have a decision to make. Do you want to go on like this? I don't know the details but apparently this has been going on for over a year now.

Presuming the OM is and has been irrelevant, what is the goal here? If it's to reconcile and move on, this isn't how to do it, IMO. Will H be angry? Yes! However, he must learn how to process that anger in a healthy way that respects your team's goals. Since you're still together, I presume being together is a goal. OK, work it.

June 10, 2014

I don' think it's OK. It's undignified and petty,

June 10, 2014

IMO, if H has forgiven your affair and you and he are reconciling, he needs a boundary check. That kind of hurling personal marriage business out into public, even if couched in ambiguity, has no place in a reconciliation. A professional counselor would be happy to educate him about healthy marital reconciliation and its boundaries.

If he hasn't forgiven your affair, then it appears you have a decision to make. Do you want to go on like this? I don't know the details but apparently this has been going on for over a year now.

Presuming the OM is and has been irrelevant, what is the goal here? If it's to reconcile and move on, this isn't how to do it, IMO. Will H be angry? Yes! However, he must learn how to process that anger in a healthy way that respects your team's goals. Since you're still together, I presume being together is a goal. OK, work it.

You gotta think about something here, Carhill.

He may well have forgiven CompulsiveDancer...but may well still have a lot of anger left over for OM. Entirely possible. It took me much longer to work through my anger against OM than it did with that for my wife...much longer than a year, in fact.

CD...does it really matter to you?

Those who don't know what it means won't care about it one way or another. Those that do know...probably won't care either.

Yes...it's a bit petty. Your H is still hurt by what happened. Unless this is really a big deal to you personally (and I honestly think it shouldn't be so much at this point to you), I'd let it go.

Is it worth the risk of coming across as defending OM to your H?

June 10, 2014

You are right - for sure. TAKE IT DOWN.

Its over (unless there is something we don't know about OM or you NC).

Look I get the whole wanting to trump OM - I mean if you got the bigger dick well great cause that's every BH nightmare the other wau..... but ya know in the end - the retort from the OM will trump anything a BH can say....example "ya well your wife came begging for mine in her XXX so I guess you don't have what she needed"

Don't start throwing **** cause it will get over EVERY one.

On a positive note - a suggestion - is that rather than trying to take down OM on Facebook - the better is for you to promote you Husband on FB. I always wished my wife would have posted something like "I am so lucky I ended up with the best man in my life, too many frogs out there I wasted my time with" or perhaps even more brazen and complimentary "so glad I end up with the best man in all things...."

Edited June 10, 2014 by dichotomy

June 10, 2014

You gotta think about something here, Carhill.

I did, and learned appropriate boundaries in marital counseling.

If my exW had done such things *after* choosing to forgive and reconcile, I simply would have divorced her with cause. No discussion.

The OP will do what she does.

June 10, 2014

I can't take it down. Only H can. I just don't know if it's worth pressing the issue. Remember that OM was H's best friend. H made the post sound more off-the-cuff, like a joke, rather than angry. I think it reflects badly on H, to everyone, not just those who know what he's talking about.

H hasn't talked about the A much for a while, but he obviously felt the need to get the dig in. I feel like it's his way of twisting the knife. It's very humiliating, and I can't respond back to it on Facebook, obviously.

June 10, 2014

Yes, he did expose widely, so anyone who has heard will know what he's talking about, including friends and family, and in some cases family of friends. It's like he's sending a message to OM. There is a very real chance it will get back to him.

As far as I know, OM has never commented about the affair, and I'd like to keep it that way, not provoke him into defending himself.

June 10, 2014

I did, and learned appropriate boundaries in marital counseling.

If my exW had done such things *after* choosing to forgive and reconcile, I simply would have divorced her with cause. No discussion.

The OP will do what she does.

Interesting, especially when you consider that this isn't an attack on CD.

So...I'm not sure how much I agree with you on this being a "boundary issue" as outlined in marriage counseling. We went through much the same thing...and something like this would be a bit more gray in that aspect for me than I believe it would have been for you.

I didn't conduct such personal attacks on OM in my situation...although I could have, and honestly, considered it for quite some time post d-day and into recovery. My anger for him was completely seperate from my anger for my wife.

But I will agree...it's entirely up to CompulsiveDancer to decide how she wants to deal with this situation.

June 10, 2014

I can't take it down. Only H can. I just don't know if it's worth pressing the issue. Remember that OM was H's best friend. H made the post sound more off-the-cuff, like a joke, rather than angry. I think it reflects badly on H, to everyone, not just those who know what he's talking about.

H hasn't talked about the A much for a while, but he obviously felt the need to get the dig in. I feel like it's his way of twisting the knife. It's very humiliating, and I can't respond back to it on Facebook, obviously.

Have you considered telling your H that you find this PERSONALLY humiliating?

I can see why it might strike you that way, and that seems to me as the most valid reason you could present to your husband to ask him to take it down. Because it's a reminder to YOU of the affair, and it hurts YOU to see it posted up there.

June 10, 2014

H just posted an article on Facebook about penis size, with a heading about OM that does not use his name but fairly clearly identifies him.

Last year, H told me he wouldn't use FB for war with OM, but I had to ask him to remove a few posts when he was angry. And they were not about something like this.

I know H has told several friends that OM is small (true, if exaggerated). I think it's petty, but ultimately I think he's justified. This is another story - well over a year later, he's announcing it to the world.

It's humiliating and it makes H look petty. I haven't thrown a stink, but I asked him to take it down. He won't. He says the 1% who know what it means can deal with it.

Is this okay? I honestly don't know. If he wrote it about someone else, I'd make him take it down. But do I have any right to be upset about this?

You are vague about how you see this as humiliating. Can you elaborate on exactly what you mean by it. I think this will allow for a better understanding as to why it bothers you so much.

June 10, 2014

I simply learned that marital business in a healthy marriage is not fodder for public broadcast and no person I have personal contact with and respect ever shares their private marital business, and these are people whom I'd take a bullet for and likewise. IMO, it's simply none of anyone else's business what goes on in a marriage. Some people *choose* to make it other's business. That choice has consequences.

If the OP was fine with her H broadcasting penis sizes and making other evidently derogatory remarks about OM and her relationship with/to OM, then she wouldn't have posted a topic with the title of 'OK to be upset about FB status about OM? She would have moved on to the next topic in her real life. Evidently, this line of choices brings her discomfort and upset. She asks if that's 'OK'? My strong opinion is yes, it is OK to feel upset about such matters and, further, it's OK to communicate that upset and one's reasons for it to the person who precipitated the feelings, and *only* that person, not broadcast it on social media or telephone one's friends to 'share the latest news' on the penis front. Ridiculous! In a healthy marriage, would we even be talking about this? No! Such are signs of unhealthiness, and that must be addressed.

As you often place in front of posters on these forums, what's the plan? Well, OP, what's the plan?

June 10, 2014

IMO, if H has forgiven your affair and you and he are reconciling, he needs a boundary check. That kind of hurling personal marriage business out into public, even if couched in ambiguity, has no place in a reconciliation. A professional counselor would be happy to educate him about healthy marital reconciliation and its boundaries.

If he hasn't forgiven your affair, then it appears you have a decision to make. Do you want to go on like this? I don't know the details but apparently this has been going on for over a year now.

Forgiveness means different things to different people - we all know that but we continue to judge others based on our own definition of it. Forgiveness certainly is not a prerequisite for attempting to reconcile. If it was there are very, very few couples who would ever even try to reconcile. The only way forgiving such a horrible betrayal is even imaginable to me is the narrative that the BS needs to forgive the WS all over again every time something triggers the horrible memories of the cheating. So forgiveness or acceptance is really a verb - something you have to do often - rather than a state of being.

Anyway CD, your BH gets angry from time to time and needs to express himself somehow. You can advise him that his anger is inappropriate - that's always your right - but be very careful. Judging his anger might feel like judging his feelings over your affair. Dangerous.

June 10, 2014

Hardly surprising that we're talking about an "unhealthy marriage"...they're still in the process of reconciling and recovering from the affair.

OF COURSE it's still in some stage of unheathiness.

If it wasn't...she wouldn't have posted here at all.

She's indicated that she's not sure how far she wants to push this, which is why she doesn't have a plan...yet.

It depends on how great of a boundary violation she sees this as...which is why I asked how hard she felt she should push this.

June 10, 2014

Anyway CD, your BH gets angry from time to time and needs to express himself somehow. You can advise him that his anger is inappropriate - that's always your right - but be very careful. Judging his anger might feel like judging his feelings over your affair. Dangerous.

I don't often agree with Drifter, but his words bolded above echo what I was trying to say about how hard she wants to push this.

She may come across as trying to defend OM to her husband...which is NOT an action that facilitates marital reconciliation.

Taking the tact that it humiliates HER to have this posted on FB might be her best way to approach her husband on this.

June 10, 2014

I hit the anger stage towards the OW much later....almost 2.5 years after DDay when she broke NC to fish if my H was interested in reigniting the affair.

With his permission, I called her and the arrogant contempt she had for me, my friends, our children left me gobsmacked. SO NOT what I was expecting.

I was angry that this was NOT the woman I had empathized with initially.

Had my H said ONE WORD in her defense, I would have Divorced him immediately.

Your H may be hitting his anger phase towards a man who was once his best friend.

Tell him how you feel BUT support him in how he feels. The OM is a grown up and will handle this as he sees fit.

So will your H.

June 10, 2014

H just posted an article on Facebook about penis size, with a heading about OM that does not use his name but fairly clearly identifies him.

Last year, H told me he wouldn't use FB for war with OM, but I had to ask him to remove a few posts when he was angry. And they were not about something like this.

I know H has told several friends that OM is small (true, if exaggerated). I think it's petty, but ultimately I think he's justified. This is another story - well over a year later, he's announcing it to the world.

It's humiliating and it makes H look petty. I haven't thrown a stink, but I asked him to take it down. He won't. He says the 1% who know what it means can deal with it.

Is this okay? I honestly don't know. If he wrote it about someone else, I'd make him take it down. But do I have any right to be upset about this?

CD, you're husband is dealing with a double betrayal, his wife and good friend.

I really think your husband's actions against the good friend "OM" is a separate issue he is struggling with. I believe it triggers him that you don't see the difference and perhaps still believes you are protecting the OM in this instance.

your husband seems frustrated and his ego is bruised, as far as he see's it, his ex good friend got away with humiliating him.

June 10, 2014

He is clearly not over the betrayal. If you love him and want to be with him I would let him do what he feels he needs to. I think if you question it in anyway he might feel you still have feelings for the OM and cause more problems for you.

This really is one of those cases where you have to live with the things that you do. Had you not cheated in the first place this would never be a problem.

Sorry you are still suffering but remember so is your H.

Clay

June 10, 2014

CD, I have followed your posts. I have some concerns with this development.

1. You said that you were afraid that OM would respond in an effort to defend himself. Why does that bother you? On one hand, I see it as a fear that OM may say things that contradict what you told your BH and that spells trouble as it calls into question your transparency and whether there is still some TT going on. On the other hand, maybe you feel that OM will make false statements which will create tension with your BH. Which is it? Either way, trouble may loom and that brings me to my second point.

2. Your asking BH to take it down is likely to create problems for BH. It seems like you're protecting OM or yourself, and it may raise suspicions. Your comment that if he said that about anyone else you would ask him to take it down will ring hollow. I'm not accusing you of anything when I say that, and I mean that. What I mean is that he made the comments about the OM. They are not about someone else. To protect OM in any way is gonna plant a bad seed. I seem to recall that there was some lurking on some website regarding OM, by you not too long ago. This may not be the time to make a protest, even a legitimate one.

June 10, 2014

It's humiliating

Who does it humiliate?

and it makes H look petty.

Eh, this is a dude that banged his wife though so..if all that happens to the OM is some people find out he was small in the pants..he got off lucky.

He won't. He says the 1% who know what it means can deal with it.

Seems fair to me then. You might not like it, but if most won't even know what it means..don't make a fuss, because then he will think you are doing it out of concern for the other man.

Is this okay? I honestly don't know.

It's neither okay nor not okay, it just is. Thing is, if it makes him feel even the tiniest bit better then I don't see the problem.

If he wrote it about someone else, I'd make him take it down.

Why do you care if he talks about other men being small in the pants? Unless you just meant specifically men you have been with.

But do I have any right to be upset about this?

I'm going to be blunt: no you really don't have a leg to stand on here. To be honest, you should of never even asked him to take it down in the first place. If you value your marriage do not ask him to do anything like that again. He is venting, if it helps? Then so be it. The only reason you'd have a true problem with it is if you care about this other guy.

EDIT: I answered all this not knowing that not only did you cheat, but with a good friend of his. So yeah, you DEFINITELY should of not even asked him to take it down. Trust me when I tell you if most men found out their best friend got with their wife they would be dealing with a lot more then being called out over FB for being small in the pants.

In the future, let him vent. Don't ask him to take it down even if you want him to, especially since this was a good friend you cheated with, unless your husband is talking about going over and violently confronting him..let him do what he wants. You unfortunately gave up any right to be upset over this once you slept with his good friend.

Edited June 10, 2014 by Spectre

June 10, 2014

I simply learned that marital business in a healthy marriage is not fodder for public broadcast and no person I have personal contact with and respect ever shares their private marital business, and these are people whom I'd take a bullet for and likewise. IMO, it's simply none of anyone else's business what goes on in a marriage. Some people *choose* to make it other's business. That choice has consequences.

The husband is choosing to make it other peoples business and he has that right. This OM chose to bang his wife, and this guy was a good friend. He owes the friend NOTHING at all. If he wants to vent this way then let him.

My strong opinion is yes, it is OK to feel upset about such matters and, further, it's OK to communicate that upset and one's reasons for it to the person who precipitated the feelings, and *only* that person, not broadcast it on social media or telephone one's friends to 'share the latest news' on the penis front. Ridiculous!

I find it no more ridiculous then cheating on him with a good friend. Seriously, if the WORST THING she has to put up with is her husband doing this then she got off very very lucky.

In a healthy marriage, would we even be talking about this? No! Such are signs of unhealthiness, and that must be addressed.

Buddy, in a healthy marriage you don't sleep with your husbands friend.

June 10, 2014

You may be overestimating how much most people care what your h posts on Facebook, beyond a passing whisper or speculation.

View it as a reminder of his continuing pain. Focus on helping him through it, not fighting him.

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