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Have you fixed the intimacy issues in your marriage? How?

Elliotte

By Elliotte
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Elliotte Established Member

Elliotte

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A short backstory of mine is the kind of situation that happens all too often; the relationship starts out with crazy kinky passionate fun physicality, and once the relationship becomes serious, one person's passions seem to die almost completely, while the other is left with desires and physical needs that go untended to. This seems to lead so often to a "sexual stalemate" in which the person who still has the sex drive is infinitely frustrated and feeling repressed by the other's seeming lack of libido or want thereof, meanwhile I am sure it is equally frustrating for the one who finds him or herself lacking any sexual motivation and has a partner who desires them greatly.

 

I kept this vague because it's my situation is so much like so many others (plus I have posted my situation several times here), what I am really interested in is; who has successfully fixed this situation as a couple? How? Have the both of you managed to find a sustainable and reliable physical intimacy with one another after a lengthy low point during the relationship? Like so many I am feeling hopeless about this dry spell and feeling like it will lead to divorce. I would really like to hear the stories of the couples who have found some harmony in the physical side of their relationship after a rough spell during their marriage or LTR. Please, it would be greatly appreciated! :D

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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Posted (edited)

Not yet.

 

Something's I did on my own - seemed to help here and there revive things (short term fixes) - but then it continued back downward again. Still up and down - but mostly on the downward trend over the years.

 

We are now in the midst of seeing a specialized marriage sex therapist now. No resolutions yet, but no matter what happens it has been a relief to me to hand this over to a great professional who is really on it.

 

I will say however that from what I have read in books or on the web by professionals - that in general (not saying us specifically) the odds are against full recovery.

 

The only thing that gives me hope in my case - is that a very few times a year - the sexually fun gal I knew shows back up (or back enough) - even if the overall trend has been downward for some time. So I know something is still in there that can come out. This also gives the therapist hope as well.

Edited by dichotomy
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central Established Member

central

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This is a common problem - mismatched libidos - and one that rarely has a satisfactory resolution, whatever methods you try. There are some things you can try, such as reading and applying the book "No More Mister Nice Guy".

 

Sometimes, all you can achieve is a short-term improvement and then it returns to the previous unsatisfactory level, or worse.

 

Anyway, if the issue persists, you have three ethical options: live with it as best you can, divorce, or negotiate an open relationship (which usually falls back into one of the first two options).

Better Established Member

Better

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Nothing worked for me and it eventually led to divorce after many years of marriage. We did couples counseling and sex therapy and nothing helped. Eventually, the lack of sex caused resentment on my side and I couldn't get past that, so I filed for divorce.

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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Nothing worked for me and it eventually led to divorce after many years of marriage. We did couples counseling and sex therapy and nothing helped. Eventually, the lack of sex caused resentment on my side and I couldn't get past that, so I filed for divorce.

 

 

Ok so curiosity has me since you are on the other side/path now.

 

1) Do you know what happened to your ex wife's - i.e. love/sex life post divorce? It is often said that the best cure for a low libido wife is a new boyfriend.:(

 

2) How old were you at divorce and how has your love life been?

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Elliotte Established Member

Elliotte

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Nothing worked for me and it eventually led to divorce after many years of marriage. We did couples counseling and sex therapy and nothing helped. Eventually, the lack of sex caused resentment on my side and I couldn't get past that, so I filed for divorce.

 

More details please! I assume that there were many times temporary solutions would act as bandaids for the issue but nothing ever really stuck? Care to describe what the sex therapy was like and how it wasn't effective?

Better Established Member

Better

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Posted
Ok so curiosity has me since you are on the other side/path now.

 

1) Do you know what happened to your ex wife's - i.e. love/sex life post divorce? It is often said that the best cure for a low libido wife is a new boyfriend.:(

 

2) How old were you at divorce and how has your love life been?

 

Her libido was low when we were dating and that didn't change during our marriage, which was for more than ten years. She had problems like this in previous relationships but I didn't find out until after we were married. I rarely exchange e-mails with her, but I know she is now dating someone much older than her with children that are closer to her age than she is to his. I suspect I know the reason for that, but have no way to confirm.

 

I was in my early forties and my love life since has been fantastic. I've enjoyed dating and meeting women that are very different from my former wife. I've had several good relationships which helped me to understand exactly how broken my marriage actually was. While separating and divorce are very hard, it was definitely the right decision for me.

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Better Established Member

Better

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More details please! I assume that there were many times temporary solutions would act as bandaids for the issue but nothing ever really stuck? Care to describe what the sex therapy was like and how it wasn't effective?

 

I can't really say that there were any temporary solutions. Looking back, nothing really ever changed throughout the entire marriage. That's one of the reasons I decided to end it, seeing that years of therapy and work wasn't really having an impact.

 

For something like this to work, you truly have to have two people who are willing to give up all of their misgivings and do whatever it takes to make things better. One or both of us were not willing to do so and the marriage eventually disintegrated. At the end, my resentment was so high that it was difficult for me to even imagine moving forward and that was when I knew it was time to end it.

 

I can't really speak to the sex therapy since it was one on one with her, not me, and I never was invited to attend. She never talked about her discussions with the therapist. I can say though that it never made any difference in our sex life since we didn't have intercourse at any time during the therapy, nor for the years after she stopped seeing the therapist.

 

One of the things I was worried about was if my post-divorce sex life would be just as bad. You always have to wonder after going so long without that it's actually 100% your fault. Your self esteem takes a huge hit. However, it wasn't a problem for me. I had more (and good!) sex in the first week post-divorce than I did during my entire marriage.

Better Established Member

Better

Posted
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It is often said that the best cure for a low libido wife is a new boyfriend.:(

 

I wanted to add something to this because it was really important to my recovery.

 

I went to individual therapy during my marriage and throughout the separation before we were eventually divorced. One piece of advice really stuck for me and I wanted to pass it along.

 

My therapist told me that, at some point, the "why" of not being sexually intimate becomes irrelevant. It's just a fact. It doesn't matter if it is due to your partner's childhood abuse, their low libido, or even if it is completely your fault. If you do the hard work through various types of therapy and still can't make it work, it just wasn't meant to be. At that point you have to make a decision but it is unlikely that the situation ever change.

 

I can accept if my ex-wife now has an over the top great sexual relationship with her boyfriend. I'd be happy for her if she does. I also accept that my sexual relationships will now be better. My ex-wife and I could never make it work between the two of us so it can't get worse. Once again, the "why" isn't important if it just wasn't going to work for you.

 

The only question you need to ask before making a decision is, "Will our intimacy get better between the two of us?" If you have put in the effort to make changes but the answer is still no and you're unwilling to accept that, it doesn't matter why it isn't working because it's not going to change. It also doesn't matter if your former partner moves on to find something better with someone else, since you have already established that it wasn't going to happen with you anyway. Wish them well and hope they have a happy life then take steps to gain the same for yourself.

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Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
Posted
A short backstory of mine is the kind of situation that happens all too often; the relationship starts out with crazy kinky passionate fun physicality, and once the relationship becomes serious, one person's passions seem to die almost completely, while the other is left with desires and physical needs that go untended to. This seems to lead so often to a "sexual stalemate" in which the person who still has the sex drive is infinitely frustrated and feeling repressed by the other's seeming lack of libido or want thereof, meanwhile I am sure it is equally frustrating for the one who finds him or herself lacking any sexual motivation and has a partner who desires them greatly.

 

I kept this vague because it's my situation is so much like so many others (plus I have posted my situation several times here), what I am really interested in is; who has successfully fixed this situation as a couple? How? Have the both of you managed to find a sustainable and reliable physical intimacy with one another after a lengthy low point during the relationship? Like so many I am feeling hopeless about this dry spell and feeling like it will lead to divorce. I would really like to hear the stories of the couples who have found some harmony in the physical side of their relationship after a rough spell during their marriage or LTR. Please, it would be greatly appreciated! :D

 

My H and I were that couple where we were very mismatched in that department. I feel really bad about it now and we wasted a lot of good years in our marriage.

 

We didn't really fight a whole lot about it. He would try and try different approaches and I would reject him. Sure, we would have sex here and there but not nearly as much as he wanted. I was busy. I was tired. We had young kids. You name it but for whatever reason (and I can't really articulate why) I just wasn't interested in that part of our marriage.

 

Eventually, slowly, my H gave up. We had been married about 10 years or so at that point. He would still "ask" but now, looking back, he and I both realize he was so slowly detaching from me and our marriage. I couldn't tell and I don't even think he was truly aware of it but something changed for him. It was a process, not an overnight thing.

 

After a few more years of this, and by now his attempts were half-hearted, he eventually gave up completely. We had just celebrated our 18th anniversary when I (finally) noticed that he had pretty much quit asking for sex. When I asked him about it, he said he had gotten sick of asking and the situation between us "was what it was." And that he was "fine" with it. I was puzzled by his new attitude but didn't think much about it.

 

A few months after that, he got into a brief affair with a coworker which greatly complicated things for us but that is pretty much a different story.

 

In my mad scramble to save my marriage during/after his affair, I started reading marriage books. I never read self-help books, hated them in fact, but I was desperate. And, I learned a lot about marriages and how many men (and some women) perceive love and sex. It was eye opening for me and nearly too late.

 

After he and I made the decision to reconcile our marriage after his A, we finally "found" each other--and I mean in an intimate way. We are still a bit mismatched but we and especially I have learned the importance of sex in a marriage.

 

It has been a long haul for my H and I. Our marriage has been forever damaged by my selfishness for all those years and then by his subsequent affair. We were both hurt by each others actions.

 

As for me, I've learned a lot and I value that part of my marriage so much more and realize the importance of intimacy.

 

Not sure if this helps but I hope you (or anyone reading this) can avoid the mistakes my H and I made.

  • Like 12
alwayshere Established Member

alwayshere

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Sunflower, your post made me cry. YOU are an amazing woman.

 

OP, I think it comes down to the LD spouse finally deciding their HD spouse's needs are important. And then backing it up with action.

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Elliotte Established Member

Elliotte

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Not sure if this helps but I hope you (or anyone reading this) can avoid the mistakes my H and I made.

 

That helps a lot! I can totally understand your husband. If he's like me and has a high emphasis on sex being a connecting factor in the relationship, I feel myself finding the idea of an affair more and more acceptable (horrible thought I know). It's a feeling of loving the life you've built with your partner, but having this other need that goes completely unfulfilled, you wait for your partner to help you fulfill it and share in it, and feel powerless when they don't, so you decide to take control and get it fulfilled in other ways. I want someone to want me physically, not just give duty sex!

 

I love my wife and enjoy our life together in every way besides our sex, until she embraces this part of the relationship, it feels like a stalemate and we can't move forward. I don't want to end up only getting more sex from her when we are ready to try for a child, only to have it dwindle again as soon as she gets pregnant, then never come back while we raise our child!

 

To get personal, for the past two weeks we haven't done anything sexual, I am at the point where I usually rather do my own thing than attempt. She has gotten better about accepting my advances, but I feel like if I do that too much she just disconnects and "takes it". I want her to actually be turned on when I approach her instead of just allowing things to happen to her. This morning she surprisingly initiated sex before we had to get ready for work (a rare time for us indeed!) and we had a great quickie where she was into it, but that happens so rarely it's hard to appreciate, having no idea when it might happen again.

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Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

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Please don't have an affair. If you are a decent, good guy (and it sounds like you are), you will regret your fall from grace if you get into an affair. I know my husband regrets his choices and his were not premeditated. He found himself in a tempting situation and didn't do the right thing.

 

Its concerning that your wife is not interested and the two of you have not started a family yet. Most women go into mommy mode after they have children and sex is even less of a priority. Please resolve this now before there are kids in the mix because it will just be that much more difficult.

  • Like 2
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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going back to bsics has worked for me when there are dry spells neglect seeps in as well as doubt so i think spending more time doing things that involve passion and nto sex helps....also dating again, remembering dates and ideas fave p[lace reigniting a spark .....doing fun things together....no pressure no expectation and planning mystery dates.....date nights are so quickly joined to a trail fo memories and they sometimes need to be revisited....'

'''if you have ever been playful with a a partner and not had sex i feel that sparks can fly in this scenario.....you have to remember what the waning partner would laugh his head off at adn then wanna grab me and subdue me in the nicest p[ossible way.........but thats my opinion and my relationship failed....i do believe it wasnt because of my lack of ideas to spice things up.i am inventive i think that is key.deb

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

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How? :D

 

BJ's. Not that complicated...

 

Mr. Lucky

giotto Established Member

giotto

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Posted

We were well matched at the beginning... I would say the first 10 years... then the kids came, something changed. I don't really know what. I guess she was too busy with her career, family, her own problems. I didn't help by putting her under pressure. The she started having mental problems and she ended up on ADs... well, that killed it completely.

 

I've tried very hard to reignite the spark. Didn't work out. We still have sex - once a month because she thinks I want it - but I don't really want it anymore. In fact, I wish she stopped making this "appointment" once in a while. I find it insulting, to be honest. It's not her fault, really. It's the way it is, although two years ago she went back on her promise to seek therapy to fix herself and our marriage. Well, it's her choice. I stopped caring now. It wasn't meant to be, I guess. Still very sad, and I miss the intimacy and the excitement of sharing our life together. Maybe I'm too romantic. I care very much about her, but I've fallen out of love now. Without intimacy, the relationship slowly dies.

 

So, I guess once it's gone, it's gone. Even if she tried very hard now, I couldn't trust her. I'm too scared to get hurt again. I'm not going through that again. I'm at peace with myself. It's taken a long time, but it looks like I've reached the end of the tunnel.

DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

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This happens because we get lazy. When your dating a woman that's what you do date. You make her feel special and desired. Once we marry them, so many of us turn them into maids that will give us sex on demand.

 

As men we want the act of sex itself, for women its the build up that they crave. The act is far less important for most women.

 

Gosh this isn't much help because I can't remember the book, but some years ago when I wife and I hit are first dry spell(sexually) the book stated to start over. Do the things you would do if you were dating a new woman.

 

It works, believe me. I told several friends and its worked 100% of the time. The basics of it is, compliment her daily, reduce her daily task ie clean the freaking bathroom and wash a dish. Help more with the kids. Text her in the middle of the day just to let her know your thinking of her and how important she is to you. Let her get all dolled up and take her out once in a while. Change where you have sex, if its nothing more then getting a sitter and taking her to a nice motel down the street. Once the act itself starts, take your time, make it all about her.

 

We men have to understand women are wired differently then us, groping and saying "let's do it" doesn't work well past 22.

 

My mom once told me "if you don't make a women feel special, then for her sex is another thing she feel like she HAS to do, like cleaning the toliet" wow, who wants that?

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giotto Established Member

giotto

Posted
Posted
This happens because we get lazy. When your dating a woman that's what you do date. You make her feel special and desired. Once we marry them, so many of us turn them into maids that will give us sex on demand.

 

As men we want the act of sex itself, for women its the build up that they crave. The act is far less important for most women.

 

Gosh this isn't much help because I can't remember the book, but some years ago when I wife and I hit are first dry spell(sexually) the book stated to start over. Do the things you would do if you were dating a new woman.

 

It works, believe me. I told several friends and its worked 100% of the time. The basics of it is, compliment her daily, reduce her daily task ie clean the freaking bathroom and wash a dish. Help more with the kids. Text her in the middle of the day just to let her know your thinking of her and how important she is to you. Let her get all dolled up and take her out once in a while. Change where you have sex, if its nothing more then getting a sitter and taking her to a nice motel down the street. Once the act itself starts, take your time, make it all about her.

 

We men have to understand women are wired differently then us, groping and saying "let's do it" doesn't work well past 22.

 

My mom once told me "if you don't make a women feel special, then for her sex is another thing she feel like she HAS to do, like cleaning the toliet" wow, who wants that?

 

 

We've heard this many times... we've done all that. Cleaning, cooking, looking after the kids, taking them on fancy holidays or to fancy restaurants... at the end of the day, they just fall asleep... :D I'm glad it worked for you, but for some it doesn't... it's much more complicated than that.

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DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

Posted
Posted
We've heard this many times... we've done all that. Cleaning, cooking, looking after the kids, taking them on fancy holidays or to fancy restaurants... at the end of the day, they just fall asleep... :D I'm glad it worked for you, but for some it doesn't... it's much more complicated than that.

 

Its not a single act, just something to get laid. Its a change in how you interact with your wife, a lifestyle change. Its something that you have to sustain. Its also done because you love her and not with the expectation of sex.

 

Fancy has nothing to do with it, its more about showing genuine affection and desire to be with your wife. Showing her that YOU think she is special.

 

For us intimate means sex, its how we get our validation, it holds a different meaning for women. This is were the true mismatch is. Of course there are people (not just women) who simply don't enjoy sex. If that's the case then it becomes about how much you can deal with.

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giotto Established Member

giotto

Posted
Posted
Its not a single act, just something to get laid. Its a change in how you interact with your wife, a lifestyle change. Its something that you have to sustain. Its also done because you love her and not with the expectation of sex.

 

Fancy has nothing to do with it, its more about showing genuine affection and desire to be with your wife. Showing her that YOU think she is special.

 

For us intimate means sex, its how we get our validation, it holds a different meaning for women. This is were the true mismatch is. Of course there are people (not just women) who simply don't enjoy sex. If that's the case then it becomes about how much you can deal with.

 

I never said it's a single act... many of us have changed our interactions with our wives, doing what you have said, but the wife has to be perceptive. I think you were "lucky" that your wife was. It's a black and white approach that doesn't work for many. So, you should post your experience as a "personal" experience, without offering it as gospel, that will work for sure. I find this attitude rather offensive. I appreciate you want to help, but pontificating is not the right way... ;)

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DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

Posted
Posted
I never said it's a single act... many of us have changed our interactions with our wives, doing what you have said, but the wife has to be perceptive. I think you were "lucky" that your wife was. It's a black and white approach that doesn't work for many. So, you should post your experience as a "personal" experience, without offering it as gospel, that will work for sure. I find this attitude rather offensive. I appreciate you want to help, but pontificating is not the right way... ;)

 

First of all, I said it worked 100% with my friends who I've suggested it to. If I thought it would work with everyone I would put in a book and sell it.

 

I said nothing that should have offended you.

 

Sorry for your troubles.

giotto Established Member

giotto

Posted
Posted
First of all, I said it worked 100% with my friends who I've suggested it to. If I thought it would work with everyone I would put in a book and sell it.

 

I said nothing that should have offended you.

 

Sorry for your troubles.

 

That's ok, I think I overreacted a bit... :D It's just that some of us have heard this stuff many times before and if it worked for us we wouldn't still be here... that's all... :)

  • Like 1
Turtles Established Member

Turtles

Posted
Posted
That's ok, I think I overreacted a bit... :D It's just that some of us have heard this stuff many times before and if it worked for us we wouldn't still be here... that's all... :)

 

Yup, we just need the other guy who says y'all need to "alpha up" and stop doing the cooking & cleaning. Then the thread will be complete :)

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alwayshere Established Member

alwayshere

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Posted
Yup, we just need the other guy who says y'all need to "alpha up" and stop doing the cooking & cleaning. Then the thread will be complete :)

 

No, what we need is for wives to care as much about taking care of their husbands as they care about their husbands taking care of them. Withholding physical intimacy is selfish. End of story.

  • Like 2
Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
Posted
We were well matched at the beginning... I would say the first 10 years... then the kids came, something changed. I don't really know what. I guess she was too busy with her career, family, her own problems. I didn't help by putting her under pressure. The she started having mental problems and she ended up on ADs... well, that killed it completely.

 

What do you mean by putting her under pressure?

I've tried very hard to reignite the spark. Didn't work out. We still have sex - once a month because she thinks I want it - but I don't really want it anymore. In fact, I wish she stopped making this "appointment" once in a while. I find it insulting, to be honest. It's not her fault, really. It's the way it is, although two years ago she went back on her promise to seek therapy to fix herself and our marriage. Well, it's her choice. I stopped caring now. It wasn't meant to be, I guess. Still very sad, and I miss the intimacy and the excitement of sharing our life together. Maybe I'm too romantic. I care very much about her, but I've fallen out of love now. Without intimacy, the relationship slowly dies.

 

So, I guess once it's gone, it's gone. Even if she tried very hard now, I couldn't trust her. I'm too scared to get hurt again. I'm not going through that again. I'm at peace with myself. It's taken a long time, but it looks like I've reached the end of the tunnel.

 

Your story is very sad. I think this was almost my H and me...he was close to the point that you describe.

 

Have you ever told your wife all this stuff? I've followed your threads over the years and I know you've told her you're unhappy with the current state of your relationship. But did you ever sit her down and tell her point blank that if she didn't make a genuine effort to improve things in that area that you would eventually leave her?

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