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I want to dump him... but I don't want to hurt his feelings

Bonnie Potter

By Bonnie Potter
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Bonnie Potter Member

Bonnie Potter

Posted
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So...You still insist on the Chinese water torture method rather than a sword stuck directly through the heart. OK, Your not listening to anyone here.:eek:

 

I just texted him saying I want to tell him something later, he just got off of work. What should my next text be??

GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

Posted
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Okay, I'm just going to be brutally honest and tell him the truth.

 

"Tommy, you're wasting your time with me. I made a mistake by making you think I cared about you, I don't and I never did. If you like me, you shouldn't. Don't think of me, because the last thing in the world I'd want to do after this meeting is to think of you. I did you a favor by being honest, now do yourself a favor and move on."

 

I just changed my facebook profile pic to a picture of myself with a male friend. I won't tell him until tomorrow. Reason being, I don't want it to be too sudden.

 

For someone who doesn't want to hurt this guy, you seem pretty determined to do just that.

 

You've gotten good advice here, but you seem to want to jerk this guy around anyways. Might want to ask yourself why that is.

  • Like 3
GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

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I just texted him saying I want to tell him something later, he just got off of work. What should my next text be??

 

Reiterating that you'll talk to him soon.

 

You've been with this guy long enough to do this in person.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I just texted him saying I want to tell him something later, he just got off of work. What should my next text be??

 

 

There should not be a next text. There should be a phone call & you should say EXACTLY what I told you to say in my last post.

littleplanet Established Member

littleplanet

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That's plan A and the other plan I had in mind is to slowly distance myself from him until one day, complete silence. Would this be better? Another plan I had was to drop subtle hints, for example mention guys I find attractive and slowly friend-zone him. You guys really think I should just say it to his face? That will be really hard for me.

 

Anything you do other than telling him the simple truth - will be more cruel.

Your feelings for his fragile state may be admirable....but soft coddling just adds insult to injury.

I can understand that you may have concerns about what he may do - afterward.

But he is not in your prison, and you are not his warden.

 

Yes, it's a tough thing to have to do. Whether or not you can do it gentle, but firm.....it still has to be done.

(And if you delay it or waltz it through some long involved psycholoical procedure - it could wind up getting uglier than it needed to be, or than you planned.)

 

A simple truth is a simple truth.

It can hurt like bloody hell - but it remains true nonetheless.

That is a fact of life that he, like anyone else, has to live with.

So give him the respect for that, at least.

 

If you care enough at all about him to not just tell him to get lost......then care enough to not make a game of it.

If he turns weird on you after that fact - then you can use heavier ammo.

 

Just tell him. Try that first.

Save yourself all that complication. :cool:

lollipopspot Established Member

lollipopspot

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How do you have such horrible ideas?

 

I don't even understand your first idea of complimenting him on everything in the hopes that he will break up with you.

 

If I wanted someone to break up with me - in theory - I would probably try to act super pathetic, complain a lot, just be miserable to be around. Make them glad that such a negative downer - except when I have my spurts of anger at the world - is out of their life. But complimenting them all the time? What?

 

As others said, just be upfront but not hurtful. Although your hurtful speech might make him feel glad to be done with you. If someone approached me that way, I might be hurt at first, but then be glad to have that person out of my life.

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NYC-BigKat Established Member

NYC-BigKat

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I'm dating this guy I met online last year but since then I've matured a little and I feel like I can do A LOT better now. He's very sweet and shy and just the kind of person that will only hold me back from experiencing what this great big world has to offer. There was never any real feeling on my part and now I'm feeling claustrophobic, like I've placed myself in a cage. I want out. How do I do it without breaking him?

 

I know he's fragile. Before we met, he was depressed and on medication. He has mentioned that I sort of helped him through the last stage of his depression. I'm afraid to dump this guy because of what he may do to himself psychologically or worse... physically.

 

I have this plan. I have decided to alter my personality, subtly over time, until he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He's a very sweet, nice guy and I'm just going to compliment everything he does. I'm going to turn into the POLAR opposite of his "type" and have him dump me. What do you think of my plan? Guys, could something like this work?

 

Doing that to him is so so mean & he doesn't deserve any of that. He's very nice to u. I would've been nice to & would've have to expect this in return as your way of thanking me huh? That's bad & u should be ashamed :sick:.

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gaius Established Member

gaius

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The best thing you could do for him is bang his best friend. Then of course confess the whole situation. Show him what being weak and whiney as a man gets you. It's a lesson he needs to learn.

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sooshi Established Member

sooshi

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Your posts hurt and anger me.

 

If you have ANY empathy or shred of humanity in you, you wouldn't have come up with such manipulative schemes to break up with someone who has been so sweet to you. He doesn't deserve any of that, but you don't seem to care any less for how your actions might make him feel. If you want to break up with him, just tell him IN PERSON that you don't feel like the relationship is working.

 

That's it.

 

The fact that you came up with ways to push him and play games with him and manipulate is... that shows that you have NOT matured and NOT grown. This sweet guy deserves to be with someone who does care about him. I cannot believe you would be so hateful towards someone who you know has been so sweet to you and who you know cares about you. You would tell him that you never cared for him and that you never want to see him again after telling him that you're leaving him?! You WANT him to suffer?! Seriously?! That's just awful. Plain awful and cruel.

 

You're doing him a favour by ending this relationship. But do it gently. And then work on the relationship with yourself, and really reflect on why you would be so willing to hurt someone who has been very sweet to you, and so selfishly.

Edited by sooshi
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Glinda.Good Established Member

Glinda.Good

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Are you pulling our collective legs? ;)

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Bonnie Potter Member

Bonnie Potter

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I'd rather tell him over the phone. It hasn't been so long since November. If we were together for a full year then I might feel entitled, but we've only been together since November.

 

So I guess tonight is the BIG night. We plan on meeting up at 8 at his place, I want to return a DVD he let me borrow and this is where I will tell him, but I'd just rather do it over the phone... I'm just afraid I'll make it sound bad. I'm in no shape to affect any emotion, I simply don't have any more energy to spend on this guy.

 

I want to do it over the phone for HIS sake. How bad would that be, seriously? Not as bad as my other plans, no?

Edited by Bonnie Potter
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Bonnie Potter Member

Bonnie Potter

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Your posts hurt and anger me.

 

If you have ANY empathy or shred of humanity in you, you wouldn't have come up with such manipulative schemes to break up with someone who has been so sweet to you. He doesn't deserve any of that, but you don't seem to care any less for how your actions might make him feel. If you want to break up with him, just tell him IN PERSON that you don't feel like the relationship is working.

 

That's it.

 

The fact that you came up with ways to push him and play games with him and manipulate is... that shows that you have NOT matured and NOT grown. This sweet guy deserves to be with someone who does care about him. I cannot believe you would be so hateful towards someone who you know has been so sweet to you and who you know cares about you. You would tell him that you never cared for him and that you never want to see him again after telling him that you're leaving him?! You WANT him to suffer?! Seriously?! That's just awful. Plain awful and cruel.

 

You're doing him a favour by ending this relationship. But do it gently. And then work on the relationship with yourself, and really reflect on why you would be so willing to hurt someone who has been very sweet to you, and so selfishly.

 

I'm sorry I offended you. I probably do need to work on myself a little.

sooshi Established Member

sooshi

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No apology is necessary for upsetting me.

 

What I'm upset about is that a human being is willing to treat another human being as you planned to. You say you don't have any more energy to spend on this guy, yet your other (cruel, hurtful) plans would have required far, far more energy than just letting him know that you don't think the relationship is working.

 

You say that you don't care about him at all and yet you want to break it off over the phone for HIS sake? No, I think it's because you're being really immature about this.

 

You haven't grown and you haven't matured. I have a ten-year-old friend who would be absolutely appalled by what you've written.

 

You're ignoring/sidestepping the big issues here, and it's not him.

bntcrkfrm New Member

bntcrkfrm

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Posted (edited)

This is my first post here after reading and learning for 4 months now on how to deal with a break up from a person just like you.

A little info on my situation...Met her, dated her 7 months, just 2 weeks before I broke up with her, we were still talking marriage at some point in the future. I loved her, Kids loved me. I Loved her kids, we all got along great, never argued, treated her with the utmost respect and went out of the way to show my love and affection to her and her children. We both thought, this is it...finally a perfect relationship. Then, overnight she changed, started pushing me away, hateful, distant and manipulating just like you plan to do Bonnie. 2 weeks later, I broke up with her because I refuse to be treated like crap. For 2 weeks I beat myself up thinking what have I done...tried talking to her and was totally ignored. Well, after 2 weeks I found out she was with someone new the same day we broke up. Questions answered but still to this day and 4 months later, I have a hard time dealing with the way it was handled. For 3 months I tried occasionally to get her to talk and still totally ignored by her. I have never been treated so dirty by someone in all my life. And she seemed to be the kind of person that would never do such a cruel thing to anyone.

 

 

No, I do not hate her nor hold any grudges or resentment to her. But had she handled it maturely then I could have handled it much better. To this day, I have no idea what or If I did anything wrong to her. Money, and lots of it appears to be the deciding factor on her part. I know in time I will heal and meet someone new and a much better person than her.

Bonnie, what you need to do for HIS sake...( I could care less about your sake) talk to him in PERSON, let him know that you feel the relationship is going in two very different directions, its not him its you and that you need to go your own way. And leave him the Hell alone..forever.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory comments
  • Like 4
Glinda.Good Established Member

Glinda.Good

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There is another young woman posting about breaking up here right now, and you two seem to have a lot in common. Maybe you would like to connect with her and share ideas? This forum is a great networking tool for advice seekers! Here is a link to her thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/480906-i-need-get-rid-my-boring-boyfriend

 

Hope you two can help each other out!

  • Like 1
sly_fly1 Established Member

sly_fly1

Posted
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that is a terrible idea., that will destroy him like nothing, never do that. the type of person he is, he wont dump you. he is honorable and would probably stand by your side through hell. even if you were treating him differently, what you need to do is sit down with him. tell him the truth. and be aware that HE IS going to get hurt no matter what

 

but theres also a dark side, you think you can do better. when you start missing him, dont be a coward and throw him bread crumbs and lead him on. if you are going to walk out of his life, you better not look back, because this guy who you say have no feelings for., could and probably is the one and you it might be to late.

Kopite Established Member

Kopite

Posted
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You know, I'm usually a positive person and I like to think that most people are nice and caring but posts like these genuinely scare me. How can a person be so narcissistic and lack so much empathy? OP, if you can (a big IF I know), pretend that you are him and read the posts you have written in this thread. Try and imagine how crap any of your cowardly plans sounds and attempt to realise how, in reality, you don't actually care for anyone but yourself.

  • Like 3
April Moon Established Member

April Moon

Posted
Posted
There is another young woman posting about breaking up here right now, and you two seem to have a lot in common. Maybe you would like to connect with her and share ideas? This forum is a great networking tool for advice seekers! Here is a link to her thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/480906-i-need-get-rid-my-boring-boyfriend

 

Hope you two can help each other out!

 

I was thinking the same thing!! Both from people who claim to "mature." Op you should do it in person. The only reason you don't want to is to spare YOUR feelings. Even though after reading your original break-up speech, I can see how you can be concerned for coming across as.... well rude... Please treat others how you would want to be treated. Also, I'm at almost why it would be less painful to change your profile pic today and not tomorrow. It sounds passive aggressive to me...

ktya Established Member

ktya

Posted
Posted

I have this plan. I have decided to alter my personality, subtly over time, until he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He's a very sweet, nice guy and I'm just going to compliment everything he does. I'm going to turn into the POLAR opposite of his "type" and have him dump me. What do you think of my plan? Guys, could something like this work?

 

There's never a good time to dump someone. But this plan sucks. Grow a pair of balls and just cut the cord. This plan will leave him scrambling wondering what went wrong and trying to fix whatever has made you no longer the sweet girl he fell for.

 

This comes from experience. I had a girlfriend try this with me to some extent. I endured nearly a year of this "altered personality" as you put it and the lack of any clear rationale for what was going on. I was left absolutely devastated and shocked when it was over.

 

Just sit him down and explain that he is a nice good guy but the spark just isnt there anymore and you are going to move on. Better to rip off the band aid quickly instead of over a long time like you are proposing.

ktya Established Member

ktya

Posted
Posted
That's plan A and the other plan I had in mind is to slowly distance myself from him until one day, complete silence. Would this be better? Another plan I had was to drop subtle hints, for example mention guys I find attractive and slowly friend-zone him. You guys really think I should just say it to his face? That will be really hard for me.

 

Another terrible plan that is going to crush him, this one even worth.

 

Drop the subtle beat around the bush schemes and just sit him down and explain how you feel, why, and what you intend to do about it. He will be sad but if you level with him he will at least know whats going on rather than grasp at straws.

 

Grow a pair and deal with this like an adult.

ktya Established Member

ktya

Posted
Posted
Dragged on will probably hurt more, he's gonna feel more crappy knowing he was in a relationship with someone that didnt like him. He'll likely have trust issues in the future if his gf starts to act distant too. Just peel the band aid off quick.

 

You are so correct. As I said a few posts above I had my ex fiancee do some variant of this idea to me, I'm guessing that the goal was to get me to no longer like her so I would do the hard work of breaking up. I'm a tenacious ox and I was with her for over 7 years and really loved her (we were engaged) so I never gave up. Now I feel like I completely wasted a year "trying" to change all the littany of gripes and complaints that seemingly sprung out of nowhere.

 

My current and future girlfriends hate that woman because its really hard to invest 110% of myself into a relationship now. Call me jaded, but when a woman has complaints now I point at the door and remind them it's a free country if life is so terrible.

 

OP needs to just do it like a grown up, dont replicate my ex.

ktya Established Member

ktya

Posted
Posted
"Tommy, you're wasting your time with me. I made a mistake by making you think I cared about you, I don't and I never did. If you like me, you shouldn't. Don't think of me, because the last thing in the world I'd want to do after this meeting is to think of you. I did you a favor by being honest, now do yourself a favor and move on."

 

Do you even have a heart? Holy crap OUCH no wonder you concoct these schemes.

 

The last thing in the world I'd want to do is think of you?

 

Why not take a knife and try to perform open heart surgery on the kitchen table.

ktya Established Member

ktya

Posted
Posted
I just changed my facebook profile pic to a picture of myself with a male friend. I won't tell him until tomorrow. Reason being, I don't want it to be too sudden.

 

Ugh. Death by facebook? Reading this thread is like watching you kill this guy's soul in slow motion.

  • Like 1
ktya Established Member

ktya

Posted
Posted
I'd rather tell him over the phone. It hasn't been so long since November. If we were together for a full year then I might feel entitled, but we've only been together since November.

 

So I guess tonight is the BIG night. We plan on meeting up at 8 at his place, I want to return a DVD he let me borrow and this is where I will tell him, but I'd just rather do it over the phone... I'm just afraid I'll make it sound bad. I'm in no shape to affect any emotion, I simply don't have any more energy to spend on this guy.

 

I want to do it over the phone for HIS sake. How bad would that be, seriously? Not as bad as my other plans, no?

 

Sit him down and tell him. Let him cry and ball his eyes out if he feels the need. Hug him and hold him and tell him everything will be Ok and what a great guy he is and how he will find someone else.

 

Then leave.

 

Coming to his house to return a DVD then doing it over the phone... UGH! Grow the F up!

Bishop556 Established Member

Bishop556

Posted
Posted
Sit him down and tell him. Let him cry and ball his eyes out if he feels the need. Hug him and hold him and tell him everything will be Ok and what a great guy he is and how he will find someone else.

 

Then leave.

 

Coming to his house to return a DVD then doing it over the phone... UGH! Grow the F up!

 

I completely disagree with comforting him. You could tell him that he is a wonderful person, but the fact remains that you broke his heart. Nothing you say will be sufficient to cover up the pain he is enduring. It's like having your jaw broken in a fight and the person you're fighting is trying to comfort you after breaking your jaw by telling you that it is okay to be in agony and that they will be there for you while your jaw recovers. The fact remains is that you broke his jaw. You shouldn't comfort someone you hurt deeply, they won't understand.

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