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I want to dump him... but I don't want to hurt his feelings

Bonnie Potter

By Bonnie Potter
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Bonnie Potter Member

Bonnie Potter

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I'm dating this guy I met online last year but since then I've matured a little and I feel like I can do A LOT better now. He's very sweet and shy and just the kind of person that will only hold me back from experiencing what this great big world has to offer. There was never any real feeling on my part and now I'm feeling claustrophobic, like I've placed myself in a cage. I want out. How do I do it without breaking him?

 

I know he's fragile. Before we met, he was depressed and on medication. He has mentioned that I sort of helped him through the last stage of his depression. I'm afraid to dump this guy because of what he may do to himself psychologically or worse... physically.

 

I have this plan. I have decided to alter my personality, subtly over time, until he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He's a very sweet, nice guy and I'm just going to compliment everything he does. I'm going to turn into the POLAR opposite of his "type" and have him dump me. What do you think of my plan? Guys, could something like this work?

Mrin Established Member

Mrin

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No. That is an awful idea. Just break up with him. Don't try to be his friend. Don't try to subtly let him go or cushion the blow. Just break up with the guy and walk away. You owe it him and to you to do this right.

 

I know you don't want to be the bad guy. But sometimes you have to be.

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Mrin Established Member

Mrin

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Addendum: you can't be his keeper. You can't be responsible for how he is going to deal with this - unless you torture the poor guy with that hair brained scheme. Seriously, I delayed breaking up with a lady for over a year because of the same concerns. They're going to deal with it the way they're going to deal and the only thing you can do is make matters worse by dragging it out like this.

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Leeway Harris Established Member

Leeway Harris

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I have this plan. I have decided to alter my personality, subtly over time, until he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He's a very sweet, nice guy and I'm just going to compliment everything he does. I'm going to turn into the POLAR opposite of his "type" and have him dump me. What do you think of my plan? Guys, could something like this work?

 

No, it will not work and it's a terrible idea. Don't to this. You won't be doing either of you any favors by being anything other than honest. Break up with him like an adult. You owe it to him and yourself. He might take it better than you think.

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Bonnie Potter Member

Bonnie Potter

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That's plan A and the other plan I had in mind is to slowly distance myself from him until one day, complete silence. Would this be better? Another plan I had was to drop subtle hints, for example mention guys I find attractive and slowly friend-zone him. You guys really think I should just say it to his face? That will be really hard for me.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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That's plan A and the other plan I had in mind is to slowly distance myself from him until one day, complete silence. Would this be better? Another plan I had was to drop subtle hints, for example mention guys I find attractive and slowly friend-zone him. You guys really think I should just say it to his face? That will be really hard for me.

 

Be an adult and do the right thing. Plan B is going to hurt him. Plan C is just cruel.

 

Face to face. Hard for you, right for him.

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J21 Established Member

J21

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His feelings will be hurt whether its quick or whether its dragged on. Dragged on will probably hurt more, he's gonna feel more crappy knowing he was in a relationship with someone that didnt like him. He'll likely have trust issues in the future if his gf starts to act distant too. Just peel the band aid off quick.

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MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

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That's plan A and the other plan I had in mind is to slowly distance myself from him until one day, complete silence. Would this be better? Another plan I had was to drop subtle hints, for example mention guys I find attractive and slowly friend-zone him. You guys really think I should just say it to his face? That will be really hard for me.

 

It's alarming that you managed to come up with not one, but three plans, all of which are unacceptable. Are you generally a game player in other areas of your life? Are you getting ideas from others or emulating what you've seen in the relationships of others?

 

 

Please don't go down this road.

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Always Pondering Established Member

Always Pondering

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I agree with the others, those plans are terrible except for just straight up telling him. I don't know if you're concerned about appearing as the "bad person" but if anything, I believe the plans you came up with just make things worse and I'm glad for the guy that you asked LS for their opinions instead of just wingin' it and going with your original plan.

 

Just break it to him.

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Bonnie Potter Member

Bonnie Potter

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Just break it to him.

 

I probably will, he gets off of work at 6 and I'll call him if he doesn't call me first (he calls me every day).

DArtagnan2 Established Member

DArtagnan2

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omg, really? seriously?

 

All Im going to say is, just tell him and walk away. Leave the poor guy alone. HE deserves better

  • Like 7
askmrknowitall Member

askmrknowitall

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What you are attempting is impossible, It is not possible to hurt someone, and have them not feel the pain. It is only possible to be humane in the hope that the pain will be lessened. The brains job in the body is to come up with POSSIBLE solutions to whatever problem YOU present it with. Your brain came up with this idea as one possible solution. All of the brains solutions are not good ones. This idea is a bad one because it will not solve the problem that you are having. If you use your idea this guy will not see this as a reason to break up with you. His brain will read it as someone that I love is feeling bad. Possible solutions, maybe I should send her some flowers , talk to her on the phone more to see how shes feeling, or go see her, that might cheer her up. You would then have two problems instead of one, it's known as compounding the problem.

 

For some problems every possible solution is going to hurt someone, this is such a case. Put this question to your brain and it will give you the correct answer. BRAIN, should I continue being in pain, by being with someone that I don't want to be with ? Or should I stay with the person that I don't want to be with so that he won't be in pain. What do you think your brain will say. (smile) ?

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Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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I probably will, he gets off of work at 6 and I'll call him if he doesn't call me first (he calls me every day).

 

Please do it. The fact that you dragged this man for however long when you "never had any real feelings on your part" -- cut him loose now.

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Allumere Established Member

Allumere

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I told myself not to respond but I kept reading....and some days my Christian half just has to stand with hand over ears in the corner as the judging and criticizing half has something to say.

 

Are you kidding me?

 

"I've matured a little and I feel like I can do A LOT better now" Huni, we need to have little chat about maturity because there is nothing in your course(s) of action that display much.

 

a) "There was never any real feeling on my part".

 

At first I was going to say you simply outgrew him which happens...the I read that statement again. So how long have you not had any real feelings for him? If you became exclusive, said ILY at any point or were intimate on a regular basis you do realize how those actions could be viewed as having feelings (yes, I am obviously speculating). No real feelings should have ended it after a few dates, maybe a month to be sure (and even then--ugh).

 

b)I don't get any sense of real caring for this person or his feelings, only how it reflects on you. You feel sympathy, not love or empathy for him.

 

c)You'll call him if he doesn't call first.

 

I sincerely hope you don't intend to break up with him on the phone. In the words of Steve Coburn "its the cowards way out" and no way am I apologizing for saying it. Have the decency and respect to do it in person. It will highly suck but being mature is about doing the right thing, not the easiest or most popular.

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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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I have this plan. I have decided to alter my personality, subtly over time, until he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He's a very sweet, nice guy and I'm just going to compliment everything he does. I'm going to turn into the POLAR opposite of his "type" and have him dump me. What do you think of my plan? Guys, could something like this work?

 

NO!

 

Just breaking up with him = "ripping off the bandaid". Yes it will hurt, but he will get over it.

 

Your plan = tormenting him with confusion... "Why is she being like this? Does she still care about me? What did I do to cause this?"

 

Just break it off.

  • Like 7
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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It's nice that you would like to spare his feelings. However the way you plan to go about it is misguided. You want to in essence lie to him.

 

 

Have you ever heard the saying, It's cruel to be kind? this is what they are talking about.

 

 

A clean direct break is the best most gentle way you can go about ending a relationship. However, whatever you do not tell him you are ending the relationship because you have matures or that you think you can do better now.

 

 

The old standby clichés will work best here. You say "the relationship isn't working for you any more". Do not get specific as to why. No matter what else he says, you respond, "it's not you, it's me." As awful as it is to hear those things -- even though they are true -- they are so much better than you saying "I'm more mature than you & I can now do better."

 

 

Be quick -- the whole conversation should be under 10 minutes. Do not give him bread crumbs in the next few days. You can tell him that you think NC will best help him heal. Wish him well & don't look back.

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Bonnie Potter Member

Bonnie Potter

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Okay, I'm just going to be brutally honest and tell him the truth.

 

"Tommy, you're wasting your time with me. I made a mistake by making you think I cared about you, I don't and I never did. If you like me, you shouldn't. Don't think of me, because the last thing in the world I'd want to do after this meeting is to think of you. I did you a favor by being honest, now do yourself a favor and move on."

 

I'd like to also add to this that I feel he deserves someone better becasue I'm not the best person in the world.

Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

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Show him this thread OP. He will then see the real you and be turned off. Problem solved.

 

Actually that is only Plan B. Plan A is to "woman up" and break up with him.

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Glinda.Good Established Member

Glinda.Good

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Oh, come on. What about something normal and simple, like, "Tommy, I need to end this relationship. It's not working for me, and I want to be single now. I'm sorry to hurt your feelings. I wish you the best! Good bye."

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Bonnie Potter Member

Bonnie Potter

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Oh, come on. What about something normal and simple, like, "Tommy, I need to end this relationship. It's not working for me, and I want to be single now. I'm sorry to hurt your feelings. I wish you the best! Good bye."

 

I guess that's why they say less is more. That is a lot better. Thanks!!!

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Okay, I'm just going to be brutally honest and tell him the truth.

 

"Tommy, you're wasting your time with me. I made a mistake by making you think I cared about you, I don't and I never did. If you like me, you shouldn't. Don't think of me, because the last thing in the world I'd want to do after this meeting is to think of you. I did you a favor by being honest, now do yourself a favor and move on."

 

I'd like to also add to this that I feel he deserves someone better becasue I'm not the best person in the world.

 

 

That's a little too harsh. Tone it down to this & you should be fine:

 

 

Tommy, you're wasting your time with me. I made a mistake by making you think I care about you more than I do. You're a nice guy but you are not the one for me. If you like me, you shouldn't because I don't feel that way about you. Don't think of me, because the last thing in the world I'd want to do after this meeting is to continue to hurt you. I did you a favor by being honest, now do yourself a favor and move on. You deserve to be happy. Good luck.

 

There's no point in being hateful.

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Bonnie Potter Member

Bonnie Potter

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I just changed my facebook profile pic to a picture of myself with a male friend. I won't tell him until tomorrow. Reason being, I don't want it to be too sudden.

SmartDude Established Member

SmartDude

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So...You still insist on the Chinese water torture method rather than a sword stuck directly through the heart. OK, Your not listening to anyone here.:eek:

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Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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I just changed my facebook profile pic to a picture of myself with a male friend. I won't tell him until tomorrow. Reason being, I don't want it to be too sudden.

 

Or you're just hoping he gets the hint from your picture. SMH. Tomorrow won't be anymore sudden than doing it today.

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