Too much effort in not getting caught

[Charlie Harper]

When exposed and even PERMITTED amicably to live with this soul mate, is all goes PSSST like hot air being let out of a balloon.

 

I can speak from both sides of the field (or fence if you like).

 

First my wife cheated on me I did not have a clue, because I am not the controlling type, and I gave her a lot of freedom and trust.

There was no discovery day, till she told me 8 years later while complaining that "I did not even suspected of her A"... tried everything I failed , I almost forced her to MC and she bailed after 9 weeks into it....

 

She never told me what about her A, why it did not work, but she told me she considered divorcing me, I would have been blind sided, but I think she was deeply into it and she was let down by her AP.

 

After all that and me trying to get our marriage working I had an A, I never tried to, and I think she also did not WHY? because both our S are quite violent and crazy, so we knew if we got caught the results would have been quite dangerous. The A lasted a little more than 2 years and I don't regret a minute of it, it was great, we knew each other and our flaws 2 years prior of the A starting, I became great friend with her sons, and family (even I tried not to), so we knew if we got caught the results would be "Tarantino like".

 

So we ended it, it was very difficult because we were such good friends, there was no D day, and we were very careful, and used our brains to avoid any kind of possibility.

 

That is why I always think that if someone has a D day is because of REALLY bad luck or they unconsciously wanted to be caught...

 

Anyways, I never had a D day because I knew TSHTF scenario would follow on both homes. I know for a fact she loves me and I still do, and even tough I am Divorced now, she wont do it because her H is abusive and will do stupid things even to his kids if she left him, she she is trying and it breaks my heart to se her pictures in FB where I can see the sadness on her eyes.... but if she wants to save her family I wont interfere....

 

I played with fire, did not get burned, but it doesn't mean I learned my lesson.

[Furious]

I like you too.

 

My point was that things happen to us that we do not get to choose. We learn from bad things that happen to us, as much, if not more than the good. It is not wasted.

 

I understand that bad things happen...that's why I pay property insurance, health care insurance and car insurance. I just didn't think to buy infidelity insurance.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Many affairs are not about being deeply dissatisfied with marriage and want to replace the spouse and completely uprooting their homes and lives, but rather just getting some additional fun and excitement.

 

In that instance their options are to pursue some form of open marriage or cheat and try to get away with it.

 

Open marriage takes a lot of work and involves a high degree of communication antd cooperation and compromise. And it involves a lot of rules and boundaries.

And open marriage often means you can get your extra fun but your spouse chefs to also and people often have a problem with that.

 

Cheating is just simply easier and is the path of least resistance for a lot of people.

 

It just comes down to having your cake and eating it too. Getting away with cheating is about having a stable spouse and family life at home but getting the additional fun and excitement of some extra poon on the side.

 

I've spoken with many many (mostly) men who've cheated and this is usually the explanation they give.

 

I also think (and have heard) that some people get off on the sneaking around. The clandestine phone calls, texts and meetings add to the naughtiness of the whole thing. Once the sneaking around is removed, the affair loses it's excitement more often than not.

[Spark1111]

I can speak from both sides of the field (or fence if you like).

 

First my wife cheated on me I did not have a clue, because I am not the controlling type, and I gave her a lot of freedom and trust.

There was no discovery day, till she told me 8 years later while complaining that "I did not even suspected of her A"... tried everything I failed , I almost forced her to MC and she bailed after 9 weeks into it....

 

She never told me what about her A, why it did not work, but she told me she considered divorcing me, I would have been blind sided, but I think she was deeply into it and she was let down by her AP.

 

After all that and me trying to get our marriage working I had an A, I never tried to, and I think she also did not WHY? because both our S are quite violent and crazy, so we knew if we got caught the results would have been quite dangerous. The A lasted a little more than 2 years and I don't regret a minute of it, it was great, we knew each other and our flaws 2 years prior of the A starting, I became great friend with her sons, and family (even I tried not to), so we knew if we got caught the results would be "Tarantino like".

 

So we ended it, it was very difficult because we were such good friends, there was no D day, and we were very careful, and used our brains to avoid any kind of possibility.

 

That is why I always think that if someone has a D day is because of REALLY bad luck or they unconsciously wanted to be caught...

 

Anyways, I never had a D day because I knew TSHTF scenario would follow on both homes. I know for a fact she loves me and I still do, and even tough I am Divorced now, she wont do it because her H is abusive and will do stupid things even to his kids if she left him, she she is trying and it breaks my heart to se her pictures in FB where I can see the sadness on her eyes.... but if she wants to save her family I wont interfere....

 

I played with fire, did not get burned, but it doesn't mean I learned my lesson.

 

I agree with you Mr. Harper. She was D but painted her xH as crazy, punitive and abusive. They had ongoing litigation due to the divorce and she had her son call my H by another name so she would NOT lose a dime in the settlements.

 

Turns out her xH is happily remarried and has moved on. She hasn't.

 

She began pressuring my H for commitment, and he would not commit, finding a million excuses to stay married to this alcoholic, abusive, overweight, crazy harridan!

 

He wanted to get caught, so Mommy, the adult in the sitch-ME- would D him....make it EASY for him...to leave me.

 

When my calm, rational response shot all the air out of every excuse he had told her for TWO years......he did not choose her.

 

GO figure???? No one was more surprised than I.

 

I'm sure it broke her heart, OR she deluded herself that he returned out of obligation.

 

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

 

I think on the Oscar Wilde quote: "Be careful what you wish for...You may get it."

 

And when and if you do, it is the LAST thing you want, it may be the fault lies within yourself and NOT your spouse or your life.

[Furious]

I agree with you Mr. Harper. She was D but painted her xH as crazy, punitive and abusive. They had ongoing litigation due to the divorce and she had her son call my H by another name so she would NOT lose a dime in the settlements.

 

Turns out her xH is happily remarried and has moved on. She hasn't.

 

She began pressuring my H for commitment, and he would not commit, finding a million excuses to stay married to this alcoholic, abusive, overweight, crazy harridan!

 

He wanted to get caught, so Mommy, the adult in the sitch-ME- would D him....make it EASY for him...to leave me.

 

When my calm, rational response shot all the air out of every excuse he had told her for TWO years......he did not choose her.

 

GO figure???? No one was more surprised than I.

 

I'm sure it broke her heart, OR she deluded herself that he returned out of obligation.

 

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

 

I think on the Oscar Wilde quote: "Be careful what you wish for...You may get it."

 

And when and if you do, it is the LAST thing you want, it may be the fault lies within yourself and NOT your spouse or your life.

 

 

 

I can relate Spark...in the sense that I too stepped aside once I discovered the affair. It was surreal, the buildup of the justification to cheat did not match up with my dignified reaction and benign support in wishing them well.

 

Holy crap,.... , I guess I didn't follow the evil wife script and instead of grovelling in a pick me dance my husband was dumbfounded. It was a black comedy, in the sense that all the clandestine effort to keep me me finding out was irrelevant, and i didn't follow a script I had not auditioned for

[Spark1111]

and as for control, Furious?

 

hell yes!

 

The Last thing my H wanted was for this crazy, alcoholic, frigid harridan, the one with a million friends, respect in our community, to step out on HIM!

 

He stalked me after DDAY....he became obsessed with where I was and who I was with and what was I doing...Who was I not to grovel, beg HIM to reconcile or return his phone calls????

 

Not MY fault he had stopped seeing me as a woman, preferring to see me as the drab, boring, nagging wifey who did not care nor love him like SHE did.....and she fostered that scenario every chance she could, unfortunately.

 

keeping control with secrecy? of course.....control of me.

 

After DDay, he was out of his mind with jealousy. It was as if his eyes opened up and he could not believe all the men who were circling his wife....the one he and she thought so little of....

 

Many people, unfortunately, do not realize what they have until a suitcase is packed and they are walking out the door....with many an admirer in tow.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think it is oversimplifying to think there is one or just a few reasons why people cheat rather than get divorced.

 

In my case the A wasn't about fun and sex because we lived hundreds of miles apart and didn't see each other except for a few times a year. Plus there was no secrecy (they were separated and he told her that he was in love with me).

 

Like in his case, I think it sometimes comes as a shock to the WS just how much the actions hurt their spouse, and then all kinds of emotions kick in. For him it was guilt but was also out of love for her.

 

I agree with the poster who said that an affair likely the easiest way for WS to find what needs the marriage is not meeting (be it emotional relationship, sex, or both) without disrupting everyone's lives and hurting the spouse who they likely still love. I don't think it's a character flaw, otherwise the vast majority of adults have a terrible character flaw.

 

I think the WS thinks it can happen without their spouse finding out. In fact in most cases that is what happens.

[Furious]

and as for control, Furious?

 

hell yes!

 

The Last thing my H wanted was for this crazy, alcoholic, frigid harridan, the one with a million friends, respect in our community, to step out on HIM!

 

He stalked me after DDAY....he became obsessed with where I was and who I was with and what was I doing...Who was I not to grovel, beg HIM to reconcile or return his phone calls????

 

Not MY fault he had stopped seeing me as a woman, preferring to see me as the drab, boring, nagging wifey who did not care nor love him like SHE did.....and she fostered that scenario every chance she could, unfortunately.

 

keeping control with secrecy? of course.....control of me.

 

After DDay, he was out of his mind with jealousy. It was as if his eyes opened up and he could not believe all the men who were circling his wife....the one he and she thought so little of....

 

Many people, unfortunately, do not realize what they have until a suitcase is packed and they are walking out the door....with many an admirer in tow.

 

 

 

Wow....Spark...

 

My husband begged me to go to marriage counselling, I was so naive as to what that entailed. I agreed to go, once and only once if I found it to be a waste of time and money. Oh boy...was that hour in MC what he had not envisioned. I stated that I might consider reconciliation if he were to agree to an open marriage. It was shocking that he was vehemently against an open marriage, considering he had been covertly conducting a one sided open marriage without my knowledge.

 

It's mind boggling the jealousy and hypocrisy I endured. I called him out on it, the secrecy and effort to not be found out was about entitlement and control. smh...

[Furious]

I think it is oversimplifying to think there is one or just a few reasons why people cheat rather than get divorced.

 

In my case the A wasn't about fun and sex because we lived hundreds of miles apart and didn't see each other except for a few times a year. Plus there was no secrecy (they were separated and he told her that he was in love with me).

 

Like in his case, I think it sometimes comes as a shock to the WS just how much the actions hurt their spouse, and then all kinds of emotions kick in. For him it was guilt but was also out of love for her.

 

I agree with the poster who said that an affair likely the easiest way for WS to find what needs the marriage is not meeting (be it emotional relationship, sex, or both) without disrupting everyone's lives and hurting the spouse who they likely still love. I don't think it's a character flaw, otherwise the vast majority of adults have a terrible character flaw.

 

I think the WS thinks it can happen without their spouse finding out. In fact in most cases that is what happens.

 

Kindly...hope shimmers ...I disagree. you are buying into the un-met needs excuse for having an affair. If you are buying it, it sends a message to the WS that someone is willing to be a kind of "filler" to those supposedly unmet needs.

 

No one is where they really don't want to be....and no one can save someone from where they don't really want to leave.

[Scorpio Chick]

Furious, I like your question and thoughts on this. Like previous posts have stated, I was involved briefly with a MM. I am single. I don't know how useful my opinion would be on this, because as we lived in separate states, it never got physical (THANK GOD!!!!!!!).

 

But it didn't take me long to think, what the hell. About continuing in it. Now, I guess it sounds like I'm saying if it was easy to have contact with him then I would have continued. I am saying that I kept wondering HOW he could carry on with the texting (sexting) night after night. He only managed to call me once (even though he must have been calling me from his cell and as far as I know, cells are mobile ). I kept thinking, how can you just talk to me in such a way and then hang up, and what? Go chit chat with the wife? Go have sex with her? What? It started to baffle my mind and of course, realize how deceptive he was being.

 

One time I asked him, via texting of course, if she was in the room with him while we texted and he answered no. Then he volunteered "don't worry, I will protect your privacy." I told him I wasn't concerned about ME or MY privacy, and that I was worried she would find out and BE HURT. It was only a couple of weeks after that that I cut ties. I had to do it because it just doesn't take a rocket scientist to know the utter depressing and uselessness of being in an affair. There's nothing good about it. But I thought it spoke volumes that he thought I was worried about her finding out who I was, etc...when my concern was, I really wouldn't want her hurt.

[gettingstronger]

Yes, I believe most if not all adults have some type of character flaw- some are more glaring and harmful than others-

 

I do believe cheating is a harmful, glaring character flaw-it can be spun and spun but at its core, its one of the most hurtful and selfish things people do-it just is-

[Hope Shimmers]

Kindly...hope shimmers ...I disagree. you are buying into the un-met needs excuse for having an affair. If you are buying it, it sends a message to the WS that someone is willing to be a kind of "filler" to those supposedly unmet needs.

 

No one is where they really don't want to be....and no one can save someone from where they don't really want to leave.

 

Furious... this is NOT my opinion. I answered your question as to what I believe others believe.

[Realist3]

Yes, I believe most if not all adults have some type of character flaw- some are more glaring and harmful than others-

 

I do believe cheating is a harmful, glaring character flaw-it can be spun and spun but at its core, its one of the most hurtful and selfish things people do-it just is-

 

This almost sounds like the Bible. Everyone sins, therefore you are flawed.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes, I believe most if not all adults have some type of character flaw- some are more glaring and harmful than others-

 

I do believe cheating is a harmful, glaring character flaw-it can be spun and spun but at its core, its one of the most hurtful and selfish things people do-it just is-

 

It is.

 

The problem is that biologically humans were not meant to be monogamous. That is why there is the tendency to wander in the first place. Please - before I get attacked again - I am NOT saying I agree with this. If someone is married, then they need to uphold to their promises and vows. And no, it's not an excuse.

 

I do think that in 50 years marriage will be a lot different. The sheer numbers of affairs and divorces indicate this.

[gettingstronger]

The Bible? Not really, its more about reality and understanding who/what you are-

 

We are all flawed but I do not buy in to the idea that all flaws are equal-

that's just bunk and a cop out-

 

Cheating is just plain ridiculous-no other way to describe it-

[Furious]

Furious, I like your question and thoughts on this. Like previous posts have stated, I was involved briefly with a MM. I am single. I don't know how useful my opinion would be on this, because as we lived in separate states, it never got physical (THANK GOD!!!!!!!).

 

But it didn't take me long to think, what the hell. About continuing in it. Now, I guess it sounds like I'm saying if it was easy to have contact with him then I would have continued. I am saying that I kept wondering HOW he could carry on with the texting (sexting) night after night. He only managed to call me once (even though he must have been calling me from his cell and as far as I know, cells are mobile ). I kept thinking, how can you just talk to me in such a way and then hang up, and what? Go chit chat with the wife? Go have sex with her? What? It started to baffle my mind and of course, realize how deceptive he was being.

 

One time I asked him, via texting of course, if she was in the room with him while we texted and he answered no. Then he volunteered "don't worry, I will protect your privacy." I told him I wasn't concerned about ME or MY privacy, and that I was worried she would find out and BE HURT. It was only a couple of weeks after that that I cut ties. I had to do it because it just doesn't take a rocket scientist to know the utter depressing and uselessness of being in an affair. There's nothing good about it. But I thought it spoke volumes that he thought I was worried about her finding out who I was, etc...when my concern was, I really wouldn't want her hurt.

 

 

SC, i wish you were the OW in my situation. I could see us being friends.

[gettingstronger]

The problem is that biologically humans were not meant to be monogamous.

 

 

Thats crap- there is a huge difference between being monogamous and being a cheater-all humans are capable of upholding their vows-some just choose not to-

[Scorpio Chick]

I don't think my first post within here helped. I re-read Furious' question. And now I can't stop thinking about it! I have been thinking about it a lot, and on a general scale, rather than what I did.

 

I think Furious is really on to something about the control and entitlement positions. And what some people posted after, clearly some of these cheaters feel entitled!

 

As far as why not just leave the marriage - because that is the biggest question. The guy I got involved with, he and his family are, at least from the outside, very, very family oriented. I don't know of any of them that are divorced, the immediate family. He and his wife have been married about 25 years. They don't have any kids, so if he's been unhappy (he never said he was, just said there's been some problems and a few times he almost walked out the door - oh, brother) then why not just leave? I think because his marriage wasn't bad, they're well off, why rock the boat, and because I think within that particular family, the stigma would be too great. It's a lot of keeping up appearances, for family and for outsiders in general. Most people would rather be attached than alone and single. Like me. LOL. But, really, I think that's a lot of it. And as far as the control issue, yes!!!! Because they are the only ones that know they're doing it (until caught) and continue on with it, how much more about control can that get?

[Hope Shimmers]

The problem is that biologically humans were not meant to be monogamous.

 

 

Thats crap- there is a huge difference between being monogamous and being a cheater-all humans are capable of upholding their vows-some just choose not to-

 

Okay Gettingstronger, I know you don't believe me. Yes, I agree there is a huge difference; that's why I said what I did in my post. The issue is whether in this day and age if we have the right expectations. Just let it go - I know no one will agree with me and that's fine.

[Furious]

It is.

 

The problem is that biologically humans were not meant to be monogamous. That is why there is the tendency to wander in the first place. Please - before I get attacked again - I am NOT saying I agree with this. If someone is married, then they need to uphold to their promises and vows. And no, it's not an excuse.

 

I do think that in 50 years marriage will be a lot different. The sheer numbers of affairs and divorces indicate this.

 

 

Monogamy was introduced by males once the correlation between sex and paternity were connected.

 

I guess it's an easy concept to return to the Stone Age in regard to monogamy. It's funny.... deodorant and toilet paper do not come into question when it comes to the natural biology of the human race.:D:D

[Hope Shimmers]

Monogamy was introduced by males once the correlation between sex and paternity were connected.

 

I guess it's an easy concept to return to the Stone Age in regard to monogamy. It's funny.... deodorant and toilet paper do not come into question when it comes to the natural biology of the human race.:D:D

 

I don't want to argue with you Furious. In fact I agree with your post.

 

Actually in times of the Bible, polygamy was common, so returning to the Stone Age would not get us to monogamy.

[Furious]

I don't want to argue with you Furious. In fact I agree with your post.

 

Actually in times of the Bible, polygamy was common, so returning to the Stone Age would not get us to monogamy.

 

HS...I don't want to argue with you. I like you. I wish I could give you a hug. You're a lovely woman and in a way we have more in common than differences.

[Hope Shimmers]

The problem is that biologically humans were not meant to be monogamous.

 

 

Thats crap-

 

It isn't, not from a biological perspective, GS. I am not trying to argue. But this is true as I know the research. Don't believe me - look it up yourself.

[Hope Shimmers]

HS...I don't want to argue with you. I like you. I wish I could give you a hug. You're a lovely woman and in a way we have more in common than differences.

 

I like you too.... and thank you. And I agree with you. I wondered if you would ever reply to one of my messages!

[Scorpio Chick]

Monogamy was introduced by males once the correlation between sex and paternity were connected.

 

I guess it's an easy concept to return to the Stone Age in regard to monogamy. It's funny.... deodorant and toilet paper do not come into question when it comes to the natural biology of the human race.:D:D

 

Hahahaha!!! Excellent point!!! I used to work with a girl who would just burp very loudly, around co-workers. I thought it was funny that she managed to never burp around customers. And I asked her one day why she just burped like that, and her (predictable) response was that it was human nature, that it was biological. I asked her that the next time she had to go to the bathroom, why go to the bathroom then, just go right there, where ever she was standing, right in front of us. People are crayyyzzzeeeee.