ms.love Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 So I got into a conversation with my boyfriend about sexual acts. He told me he once saw a girl at a party touch herself in the corner and she said him to...well touch himself over her and finish on her. All of this in front of everyone at a party and he did it. Needless to say this has disgusted me. I actually have never heard of anything like this happen, we are from different countries and cultures but still. I don't know what to think, I feel in shock by this. I asked him how long ago it was and he said 9+ years. I know the past is the past but am I overreacting to it? Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I'd have more doubts about him based on the fact that he felt he needed to tell you that particular story. Surely he had plenty of other experiences to share. But maybe you're better off avoiding the topic entirely. You got into the conversation, and you got a story. Gross? Maybe. More to some than others. How did he feel about admitting to it? Was he proud? Was it a one time drunken thing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ms.love Posted June 10, 2014 Author Share Posted June 10, 2014 I'd have more doubts about him based on the fact that he felt he needed to tell you that particular story. Surely he had plenty of other experiences to share. But maybe you're better off avoiding the topic entirely. You got into the conversation, and you got a story. Gross? Maybe. More to some than others. How did he feel about admitting to it? Was he proud? Was it a one time drunken thing? He actually doesn't have many different stories, he was in long term relationships over the years. He felt ashamed by it afterwards, he knows i'm disgusted by it. It's making me feel physically ill picturing it which i'm trying not to do but it's fresh as I only heard it a few hours ago. I really don't know if it's a culture thing or i'm maybe sheltered when it comes to that as I come from a small town. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Sounds quite trashy. For whatever reason or need, he told you this story and now you are revolted by it. I am as well, perhaps others are reading it. But hey, it's the past. We've all had a past, like it or not. We did and said a lot of things when we were younger thinking it was cool to be like that when it really isn't. Some like Paris Hilton go through their crazy party time in the tabloids, we do it without them. Like you said, it was a long time ago. Either get past it or don't. If you don't, then that's that. If you decide to sweep it under the rug, do so. Link to post Share on other sites
shet Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 But hey, it's the past. We've all had a past, like it or not. We did and said a lot of things when we were younger thinking it was cool to be like that when it really isn't. No we don't. There is no element of mine or most of my friends' lives we regret, aren't proud of or wouldn't be happy to talk about in polite company. Most people don't. This is a canard, a phrase, a salve people with sordid histories say to feel less sordid. No dice, buddy. You chose to do whatever you did, you can live with the consequences of everyone staring at you aghast and not wanting you round their children. Personally, I'm actually slightly awed at this guys ability to masturbate, on a stranger, in front of a party. I think my dick would disappear into my body if I tried that. He must have been high as ****. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MrBossMan Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I can tell you and him are sexually incompatible. He's more comfortable getting into some things that you will probably never be comfortable with. I don't know his character and his loyalty under pressure, but the chances of getting cheated on sometime down the line is very high. Stick it out at your own risk. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I am more concerned that he felt a need to tell this to you. Either he feels very guilty about this and wants to get it off his chest, or he is trying to give you a hint that he is much more sexually crazy than you think he is. I just wonder what he hoped to gain by sharing this with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 It's a pretty trashy thing to do but I've heard worse. Since it was 9+ years ago, if this is the only bump in you road to happily ever after, I'd try to get past it. If you can't get past it quickly, you two are fundamentally incompatible. Simply go your separate ways. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) I am more concerned that he felt a need to tell this to you. Either he feels very guilty about this and wants to get it off his chest, or he is trying to give you a hint that he is much more sexually crazy than you think he is. I just wonder what he hoped to gain by sharing this with you. Exactly. I can't imagine a guy sharing this with me if he had done it. That's why I wondered if it was bragging, shock value, one-upping, or if he seriously doesn't have a clue that she would find it disgusting. Surely he knows her values well enough to know that it wouldn't go over well. Curious. OP, who initiated the conversation about sex acts? Because there's a saying, 'don't ask a question if you really don't want to know the answer'. Edited June 10, 2014 by MidwestUSA 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 What would you do if your boyfriend told you that he used to masturbate onto his exwife's hair while she was sleeping because she wouldn't have sex with him? And then he laughed about it, thought it was funny that she would wake up and wonder what in the world was in her hair. Now THAT'S disgusting! (true story btw) As for what your bf did, why did he tell you about it? What was it in context of? Was it something he was proud of? These things matter. Sure, you can be disgusted by it, because it was pretty gross, but is this something he liked and wants to do again? That would be what would concern me. How does he feel about it now... Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 So I got into a conversation with my boyfriend about sexual acts. He told me he once saw a girl at a party touch herself in the corner and she said him to...well touch himself over her and finish on her. All of this in front of everyone at a party and he did it. Needless to say this has disgusted me. I actually have never heard of anything like this happen, we are from different countries and cultures but still. I don't know what to think, I feel in shock by this. I asked him how long ago it was and he said 9+ years. I know the past is the past but am I overreacting to it? Ok, well its different but this stuff does happen. But think of it this way, take out the public element and its actually less than having full sex with a stranger, something many people do and is considered normal. Bottom line, you have a past and so does he. If he's a good BF and there is nothing wrong with your relationship then thats the situation. Why bring the past into it? If your relationship is cool, then you are experiencing retroactive jealousy. To say that your partner is disgusting because he had a form of sex with someone, is extreme. You're basically saying that he is disgusting. That's not love. The best way to sort out feelings over your partners past I found, is to just not talk about it or focus on it anymore. Otherwise, it will destroy your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Warning : Advice may vary based on OP Gender. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 I'll add that as you haven't mentioned anything else negative about your relationship, I'm presuming that all is well apart from his past and have based my answer on that. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 As long as this was consensual, the Act itself isn't gross to me. The public part is over the top, but what was the nature of the party? Sharing the story doesn't bother me in the least. I'm thinking this is a compatibility issue. There are women out there who would enjoy this little story, and not be freaked out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 No we don't. There is no element of mine or most of my friends' lives we regret, aren't proud of or wouldn't be happy to talk about in polite company. Yet you have absolutely no way of knowing that. There are many things people do or have done privately that they have neither reason nor inclination to share with others. But surely your friends aren't discussing various sex acts they've engaged in "in polite company", no matter how vanilla they may have been, anyway. Most people don't. This is a canard, a phrase, a salve people with sordid histories say to feel less sordid. No dice, buddy. You chose to do whatever you did, you can live with the consequences of everyone staring at you aghast and not wanting you round their children. How can you possibly know that? I'm willing to bet most people actually do. Thing is, they keep such stories away from those who would presume to stare at them aghast and not want them round their children. As long as this was consensual, the Act itself isn't gross to me. The public part is over the top, but what was the nature of the party? Sharing the story doesn't bother me in the least. I'm thinking this is a compatibility issue. There are women out there who would enjoy this little story, and not be freaked out. I agree with every word of this. But yes, it was seem OPs boyfriend is a fair bit more sexually adventurous than she is. Nothing wrong with that, but parting ways now rather than later would be a wise choice. Link to post Share on other sites
shet Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 How can you possibly know that? I expected this, stage 2 of the self denial. The "secretly everyone has a sick past you just don't know" argument, which is akin to me telling you everyone else can fly, you just haven't seen them do it. Because: I have a range of good friends many of whom I've known for both a long time and through vulnerable private times. Furthermore I have more friends who, while less close, make it quite clear the nature of their private lives by their attitudes, opinions and actions. Now it's possible that you have all this, but that the people in your world are very different to mine. And I can respect that. Especially on this forum which seems to self select for people with the kinds of behaviours and attitudes I don't encounter much, which is par for the course on a forum concerning, one way or another, social dysfunction (I've never known or do know anyone who would want or need to post in a place like this, only myself). But I do know what is what in the world around me. I know only a few people with reprehensible sexual pasts or presents and it affects them all negatively. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Giggle Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 I expected this, stage 2 of the self denial. The "secretly everyone has a sick past you just don't know" argument, which is akin to me telling you everyone else can fly, you just haven't seen them do it. Nope I'm with Hydra, who never said anything about sick btw. I have done things I wouldn't ever ever share with my best friend. She has made it clear from past conversations there is a clear line of what she considers acceptable (hypocrit much) and there is no way in hell I will share my little 15min adventure with a soldier in the back of his car behind a hotel. I'm not in the least bit ashamed by it, but she would be of the opinion that I am way too.. Innocent? Sweet? Something.. Lol to have ever done something like that. Yup, that it was in public was over the top.. Maybe he likes to be watched. I think its kinda funny Link to post Share on other sites
Author ms.love Posted June 11, 2014 Author Share Posted June 11, 2014 I am more concerned that he felt a need to tell this to you. Either he feels very guilty about this and wants to get it off his chest, or he is trying to give you a hint that he is much more sexually crazy than you think he is. I just wonder what he hoped to gain by sharing this with you. Thank you all for the replies. First off I'm female. The reason it came up was because we were essentially sexting. Different scerenios came up and he mentioned that in passing so I asked about it as I've never heard it. So yes I asked him of course he'd answer me. His sexual experiences are very vanilla, this is the only thing "wild" he has done and was in high school at the time. He told me he was young, dumb wouldn't do it again and hasn't done it again. My past is no saint, I've more of a past as I was single a long time but nothing like this at a party. Apart from this our relationship is amazing, I think that's why I was initially disgusted by it. I wasn't expecting something like that from him. Now we are very sexually compatible, it's not all vanilla right now with us and we are starting to explore each others fantasies. I would rather he feel comfortable telling me anything so to keep this from me wouldn't be good so I'm glad he told me. I feel better after sitting on it overnight I'm not as disgusted. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 sounds like an orgy not a party.I understand your shock ,I do not understand why he got graphic.I dot knwo if you can remove that image it shouldnt have been given...i wish you well.....now i have the image....,makes me actually think about when i tell soemone of my sexual abuse ....i dont want them to have images..it isnt nice and too graphic.....maybe to people you trust but not to partners especially abuse even though my partners know my past nothing much can shock me when i hear a past......i feel for you......and abuse is a bit different to sexual escapades...deb Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 two different experiences in life. You say you've been sheltered? he obviously had a time when he masturbated on someone... those are two different worlds in my opinion. I know it was 9 plus years ago, but still... I wouldn't date him personally. It would be a deal breaker. I'd be concerned that he would cheat on me later down the track. The fact that he brought it up? that's just ****ed up Link to post Share on other sites
Author ms.love Posted June 11, 2014 Author Share Posted June 11, 2014 two different experiences in life. You say you've been sheltered? he obviously had a time when he masturbated on someone... those are two different worlds in my opinion. I know it was 9 plus years ago, but still... I wouldn't date him personally. It would be a deal breaker. I'd be concerned that he would cheat on me later down the track. The fact that he brought it up? that's just ****ed up I'm in no way worried he would cheat on me I trust him wholeheartedly. He was single and young when he did this so I don't see how it would mean he would cheat? Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Thank you all for the replies. First off I'm female. The reason it came up was because we were essentially sexting. Different scerenios came up and he mentioned that in passing so I asked about it as I've never heard it. So yes I asked him of course he'd answer me. His sexual experiences are very vanilla, this is the only thing "wild" he has done and was in high school at the time. He told me he was young, dumb wouldn't do it again and hasn't done it again. My past is no saint, I've more of a past as I was single a long time but nothing like this at a party. Apart from this our relationship is amazing, I think that's why I was initially disgusted by it. I wasn't expecting something like that from him. Now we are very sexually compatible, it's not all vanilla right now with us and we are starting to explore each others fantasies. I would rather he feel comfortable telling me anything so to keep this from me wouldn't be good so I'm glad he told me. I feel better after sitting on it overnight I'm not as disgusted. Ok, so you've had a past and he's had a past. Both of you have had sexual relationships and encounters. Nothing for him or you to feel ashamed about, to judge the other for or bring into your present relationship in any way. A partners past history comes up on this forum often, and is the reason I joined. Leave the past alone, it can be a toxic disease that destroys relationships. Don't judge him for a past, consensual act. Get rid of 'disgust' from your mind right now, that's no way to think about your partner. You're relationship is fine, so leave the past alone and enjoy the present. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 Alright... So let me get this straight: If you aren't even too vanilla to begin with, and you also have more of a past than he does, then aren't you being just a bit overzealous? Anyways, it seems like the appropriate scenario for him to bring up the topic, oddly enough. I believe things would have been incredibly different if he choose to brag about the experience during an awkward moment. It sounds like the relationship is fine. Is the relationship fine? Then don't ruminate and obsess over his story to hell and back. You'll be okay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) I had an ex who in a boastful way made a point of telling me about sexual things she did in her past in detail that made it difficult for me to respect her. She said she told me this stuff because she thought she could "trust me" but in reality it had nothing to do with trust, it was an attempt on her part to upset me and make me feel insecure. She later said she told me this in detail because she felt insecure that I had more experience than her. This sharing of her past in detail tainted the relationship and issues from it contributed to the downfall of the relationship much later on. One thing I tell partners now is that I don't want to hear vivid details of their past sexual relationship, that is their past, what only matters is what we do moving forward. I have done things I am sure no partner would want to hear about, so what is the good in telling them? Edited June 11, 2014 by FortunateSon Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 11, 2014 Share Posted June 11, 2014 two different experiences in life. You say you've been sheltered? he obviously had a time when he masturbated on someone... those are two different worlds in my opinion. I know it was 9 plus years ago, but still... I wouldn't date him personally. It would be a deal breaker. I'd be concerned that he would cheat on me later down the track. The fact that he brought it up? that's just ****ed up Leaping to conclusions ? Link to post Share on other sites
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