scooby-philly Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Hi, I've been doing OLD for about 6 months now. I had started dating again after breaking up with a fiancee 6 months prior to that. (We had been together for 2+ years). Anyway, since I've been back in the dating scene I find it hard to figure out what exactly I'm looking for. I know enough about psychology to know dating is about 1000 no's before that 1 yes, and I am confident in myself enough to know what's important and what isn't. But, the women who've expressed interest in me - either by starting to chat, or even ending up on dates with them (I did get to 12 dates with one woman this spring but it faded) - seem to be all over the place in terms of personality, traits, etc. Some of it, I guess, is my fault in that I'm not always quick to ignore people who don't meet my qualities or I'm not always reading enough into people's profiles to get enough of a picture of who they are. So, this has created some frustration on my part. I am happy with my life right now and am making progress to goals I have - owning a home, being more active, making new friends. I guess my question is OLD really worth it? Are there any tricks to making it easier to find people with more of the traits I'm looking for initially? Is there a way to politely avoid "beating around the bush" to get into more depth-filled conversations early on. Not too deep - but deep enough to learn about a person's real personality? I mean even though it didn't work out my ex and I met through a common interest. I know people meet online and its successful. But my membership is up at the end of July and I'm tempted to let it just expire. Any advice would be appreciated.
PegNosePete Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 As soon as you meet in real life it's not OLD any more. It's RL dating. The only tips I can give are how to get from the PC to the real-life meeting - but you already seem to be pretty good at that! Yes become more picky maybe. But after the first meeting there's very little difference between someone you met on OLD and someone you met at the gym or in a supermarket or at a bar. OLD is not a shortcut to find chemistry; it's simply another way to meet people. Personally I've never seen the need to use paid sites. I've met plenty of nice, genuine women on free ones (inc current GF).
Snakechammah Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I've had success with OLD but I'm a woman, and my advice would be geared towards women (for what had worked for me) But for a guy, well... I'm not sure what to suggest. Because my boyfriend was the one who initiated first contact, I didn't get the luxury of browsing through his profile to decide if I want to write or not. My decision to be with him stems from the actual communication itself (the emails that he sent) and those were the things that immensely attracted me to him. I guess the message, not the profile or pictures, make or break the attraction. So putting emphasis in the way you craft the very first email is key. All the best!
Author scooby-philly Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 True OLD will eventually to Real - Life dating. Lol. And true, OLD is not a shortcut to chemistry - just another way to meet people. I guess what I was trying to express is how do you stay engaged with it, not just OLD but "dating" in general and not get frustrated? I mean, honestly I know from the psychological perspective you've got to not "focus" on it - not meaning you don't engage in activities that could lead to a connection - but that you need to place less value or emphasis in your own mind about events/situations and go in with a clear set of expectations. Yeah I don't necessarily have a problem converting OLD to RL - but there is definitely a chatty side to my personality and I find myself either talking with women who I end up not attracted to or having a hard time figuring out how to even sieve through the stack to begin with.
BreakOnThrough Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Relax a bit, sounds to me like you are being overly critical of the "process". It's a #s game, you have to go through the #s to find out what you want generally. Only good things come from determination and work, but it can be enjoyable work if you allow it to be... Simply enjoy getting to know someone, as a person, with no expectations, eventually it will all come together.
HappyLove Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 DON'T.DO.IT. It's a waste of time. Let it expire! You're welcome. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 OLD is a tool. Nothing more. Nothing less. Profiles are like marketing materials. They should be filled with all the good positive stuff. When you do message someone, say something that shows you actually read the other person's profile & not just that you think they are hot. Keep the 1st meeting short, public & well lit. You don't have to spend a ton of money but no matter who asked whom be prepared to pick up the whole check. Use other tools to meet new people too: speed dating, singles groups, meetup.com, industry / business events etc.
Author scooby-philly Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Yes You are correct- I do need to enjoy the process more. I've always wanted the "big shot" right off the bat - still fighting my perfectionistic and shame based upbringing - and of course the years of schooling that said there's always one right answer. And yes - I do have the basics down when it comes to OLD/ dating in general - attraction is important but so is personality, interests, values, and I don't ever tell someone that they're "hot" online. And I am using other forums/avenues - meetup is great - belong to two or three groups and am using that and occasionally a speed dating/OLD sponsored event.
phineas Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 (edited) Don't take it too seriously until you meet them more than once. Most of my contact history is women bailing after the 2nd round of messages or when I try to get a name & number. It's kinda annoying but whatever. funny story. Had a woman recently tell me she was skinny dipping in her pool on her 2nd message to me. pro-tip, when a woman starts out like that it hardly ever goes anywhere because she is just winding a guy up for some quick attention / ego boost. Edited June 12, 2014 by phineas
Thegreatestthing Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 - post pictures with girls,for some reason I'm always clicking on the pics of the guy posing with girls even if I don't find the guy attractive,I do it Everytime. - don't wear sunglasses I really don't like that in profile pics - fill out your profile,nothing makes me less interested than a guy who has one sentence on his profile even if he's good looking. - pictures really are important - Skype first before meeting
Author scooby-philly Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 Thanks for the suggestions thus far. I needed to be clearer up front. I do appreciate the simple tips - but I do okay on my end - in terms of how my profile looks, how I approach potential interests the first time. I guess I was really looking for advice on something that can be given - how to make it easier to find what I'm looking for! Yes - that's something that's on me. Just trying to avoid getting frustrated with the process, the "dance", as there's just so many people out there and taking the time to do it properly can be exhausting.
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