He sabotages himself.

[veggirl]

It's all well and good that he has reached this epiphany, but what is he going to DO about it, Phoe?

 

Words without action are meaningless.

 

and Els comes in and sums it up as succinctly and accurately as possible!

[Phoe]

Well, I don't know where people got the idea that he has no intentions of doing anything about this, but perhaps I was unclear.

 

It was in no way him saying "This is why I am the way I am, deal with it"

 

 

It was him admitting that there was something psychologically hurtful that he was dealing with, and him admitting that he had wrongly taken it out on me.

 

 

He wants to better himself. He says I inspire him to be the best person he can be. And I support him. All I can do is be there.

 

 

He knows how weary I've gotten. He knows I can't continue like that.

 

 

I don't know if seeing a professional is really an option right now, but he's gotten some books to read.

 

 

When he's just being himself, he's wonderful.

 

 

He seems to think he needs to be so much more, and the simple fact that I don't want/need "more" and am happy with him, makes him want to do/be "more" even moreso.

 

 

I just want him to be him.

[Phoe]

In any case I think this thread is finished. I got plenty of advice.

[somedude81]

Well, I don't know where people got the idea that he has no intentions of doing anything about this, but perhaps I was unclear.

 

It was in no way him saying "This is why I am the way I am, deal with it"

 

 

It was him admitting that there was something psychologically hurtful that he was dealing with, and him admitting that he had wrongly taken it out on me.

In some cases it can be.

 

It certainly was a warning.

 

Right now he is being very honest and open with you. Pay attention to what he does and says.

 

He knows how weary I've gotten. He knows I can't continue like that.

I feel tired and frustrated just reading those sentences. I can't imagine how you're feeling now.

 

Phoe, in several of your threads I've asked you the same questions.

 

What do you want out of this relationship?

 

Are you happy?

 

What do you feel you deserve?

 

I'm not asking you to answer them here, but to at least think about them.

 

I consider you to be one of my friends here and I want to see you happy.

[beach]

Well, I don't know where people got the idea that he has no intentions of doing anything about this, but perhaps I was unclear.

 

It was in no way him saying "This is why I am the way I am, deal with it"

 

 

It was him admitting that there was something psychologically hurtful that he was dealing with, and him admitting that he had wrongly taken it out on me.

 

 

He wants to better himself. He says I inspire him to be the best person he can be. And I support him. All I can do is be there.

 

 

He knows how weary I've gotten. He knows I can't continue like that.

 

 

I don't know if seeing a professional is really an option right now, but he's gotten some books to read.

 

 

When he's just being himself, he's wonderful.

 

 

He seems to think he needs to be so much more, and the simple fact that I don't want/need "more" and am happy with him, makes him want to do/be "more" even moreso.

 

 

I just want him to be him.

 

Re read this...

 

If he's hurting you by what he's doing - I do think you want him to DO more/better.

 

If you were so happy with him - you wouldn't have posted all the prior threads that you've posted about the things that he does or doesn't do that bother you.

 

Just be honest with yourself Phoe (and expect him to be decent) he needs to change some things for this union to improve.

[KatZee]

I think you can definitely do better. I know you state that every relationship has problems, no one is perfect... but the perfect relationship for YOU isn't going to be this hard. It's not going to be one step forward, three steps backwards. It's not going to be self-sabotage, codependency, and I'm surprised no one mentioned this: emotional manipulation.

 

This guy knows you very well. He knows you're a kind, caring, and selfless person. He knows exactly how to play you so you fall into putty right in his hands. All he has to do is spin a little "woe is me story" a "oh this happened to me when I was little, won't you feel sorry for me?" so you make excuses for him left and right. This is a very clear manipulation tactic for him to continue treating him the way he treats you, BUT it doesn't really matter because he has "legit" reasons for treating you this way.

 

This is never right. It doesn't matter what has gone on in his past. I think we all get it, he's had a rough past. He's gone through some things. This doesn't give him the right to treat you this way, and nothing he's ever gone through will ever be reason enough for him to behave the way he does.

 

I think a huge sign that things won't change is that he doesn't really take accountability for his actions. He just blames it on everyone else, and everything else that's happened. Sure, he's gone through things. But that's the PAST. We're in the here and now, and moving into the future. Instead of rising up above it, he just brushes off therapy. Instead of actively taking charge and changing to better himself and his personal relationships, he makes excuses.

 

There is NOTHING. Absolutely not ONE. SINGLE. THING. you can do for this person to make him "see the light" or realize that you really love him and won't leave him. All of that comes from within himself.

 

You're going to wind up bending so far over backwards that your spine will snap before he actually realizes a damn thing.

[jonsnuh]

All I can say is that this guy is still a boy.

 

Immaturity. This guy hasn't figured out what to do with a relationship when he has one.

 

I've been there. It's a great ego high when you feel like all that chasing has paid off, and when that honeymoon period is over.

 

Now I've learned to value relationships, whilst being in one requires dedication and effort from both parties.

[kaylan]

I knew the OP would basically ignore what we are telling her. Shes gonna keep latching onto this guy despite the fact that hes bad news bears. I can definitely expect to see another thread in a few weeks discussing another problem within your relationship.

 

I dont see this lasting through the fall. Hell, you created a thread earlier this year saying this dude wanted to dump you. And now hes telling you he sabotages his relationships, yet you stick around after all the other red flags too. *sigh* Live and learn. Good luck OP.

[aussietigerwolf]

that's another thing she'll have to be walking on eggshells about... having to be so very careful over EXACTLY how you word things is so very tiring and ends up with the person not saying anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.

 

I'm not saying you are wrong about his issues, etc, but I wanted to make a point about you asking "Is that a word?". If you want to give the impression that you have confidence in his vocabulary, you would ask, "What does ___ mean?" Then he probably would be complimented instead of insulted. If he is unsure of the word then he could admit it of his own accord. I guess the lesson is to check your assumptions before you ask a question? "Why are you such an idiot?" <- not so good even though you are "just asking". "What do you mean by ___?" is better.

 

Personally I think most people would be a little offput if someone asked "Is that a word?" when in the middle of a discussion (depending on the tone of voice) I'll admit I've made fun of my ex for what I call "Bushisms" but in those cases I was very sure I knew the word she actually meant ^^ We both usually had a good laugh when it happened, I think the tone of voice matters a lot.