Phoe Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 My boyfriend recently admitted to me that he purposefully sabotaged all his past relationships. He either would sabotage it before it ever even became one, so that it wouldn't be one, or entered into a relationship knowing it wouldn't work, and would do things to sabotage it so it would end quickly. He said he never wanted a girlfriend before. That because his mother abandoned him as a child, he craved a connection with women in the form of a little intimacy - kissing, touching, flirting - but no sex, and no actual relationship. He entered into any situation, already mentally checked out, with intentions of pushing her away until she left. If he didn't care and wanted her to leave, it would be okay when she did leave. Because he can't deal with being abandoned like when he was a child. He'd put in minimal effort, but would never be the dumper, so that both to her and in his mind, he could say "Well, I tried" - that minimal amount of effort was enough to convince him that he had tried. Then he met me. And he immediately realized that he had finally met someone who he did want a relationship with, who he did want to try with, put every effort into, to do things right. But before long, things got rocky. I won't elaborate as there are many threads on this forum, with me agonizing over the things that have gone wrong, me desperately trying to fix them. Today he picked a fight with me over nothing. He said a word and it didn't sound familiar to me, I asked, curiously "Is that a word?" because I genuinely did not know, I was simply asking him. He went off on me, accused me of always making him feel bad with my intelligence and vocabulary and he can't help it that he doesn't know fancy words. He got so upset and started such an insane scene over a simple curious question. I finally told him "I need to be left alone right now, I will talk to you later" - and now here I am. After thinking, I came to a conclusion - all the issues we've had up until now, are him trying to sabotage. It all makes sense now. He does ridiculous stuff to push me away, or maybe to test me, see if I really mean it when I say I want us to work, to see if I'm really willing to put up with ridiculousness, for the sake of being with him. He admitted to me that he's so scared I will leave him. He says I should be with someone smarter, more patient, kinder. He thinks I will "wake up" one day, and go find someone better. So instead, he's just tried to sabotage throughout the past 6 months. If he gets "mad" at me over something, and I take exception to that and we get in a fight and I leave, I'm the one to blame. He's the one just trying to state how he feels, while I pull the plug. In his mind, he still tried. I told him today, after our fight, that he is clearly trying to push me away. He didn't like that, but I hope he realizes that it's exactly what he is doing, even if it's subconscious. It's his go to. It's his defense after having been emotionally devastated as a child. I don't want to leave him, but for the first time ever, the thought HAS crossed my mind. I don't know if there's anything I can do to help him move past that and trust in me, or whether he's just gonna continue believing I'm destined to crush his heart, until I finally can't take the sabotage, and do crush him.
contact1 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Unfortunately it is very hard for people to change, especially when they have been doing something for so long. His coping mechanic ism as you have said is to push others away, particularly females, so that he can avoid being hurt. If it does stem from abandonment from his mother (I thought he lived with his mom though? ) it would be next to impossible for you to change this aspect of him. Something like that would require many sessions with a therapist that specializes in that type of field. The reason I know for sure is because I went through a very similar experience. I didn't go through abandonment, but rather I had a very abusive mother, who when my parents had separated, was with a man that would beat her constantly. As a result, I would be on the receiving end of her beatings (she had at one point grabbed me by my hair and slammed my head on a kitchen table out of anger when I was in elementary school). Because of this, I grew up with no respect for women at all and I realized this after high school. It took me many session with a therapist in order for me to get past those "women are all evil" feelings and thoughts, because they were ingrained in me over so many years. That's my take on it, what you decide to do is your choice, but I already know you are going to get an earful of leaving this guy, but figured I'd shared you these thoughts as someone that has gone through a similar thing. 1
Assasda Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Seems like you guys do a lot of home Psychology. Forgive me if youre both M.D.'s handling this on your own. Anyway, you can make excuses for him till the cows come home. If he makes you want to leave, youre gonna have to leave. not saying now. but what if it gets worse
FortunateSon Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Phoe, I have read a lot of your threads on this relationship, to the outside observer, it seems like you make a lot of excuses and justifications for your BF. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, if you are getting the feeling you should leave, I would encourage you to act on it...it is not likely to get better. 3
ascendotum Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Okay so it makes sense now, why he does some of the things he does that annoy you. That's some consolation, but not if he doesn't change. As the guy above posted, its hard to change, and it seems like you are the first woman he has come across where he wants to change (supposedly). He could easily be genuine in his confession about his past behavior and his sincerity that he now really wants a gf, but just might not be able to drop his behavior patterns just in first girl that inspires him (especially if they go back to his childhood. Apart from the shyte he pulls that could sabotage the relationship he's also throwing on a helping of self pity/insecurity I guess you could call it with the "says I should be with someone smarter, more patient, kinder..." routine, which is sabotaging though lots of guys who do that really do love the girl. Seems like it started off great and has become increasing drama, and its still the honeymoon phase I thought. Given him m.o. when it comes to past relationships, I cant see yours getting any better unless he deals with his past and I would say that means counseling. Also I am sure you would like some sort of acknowledgment when he starts stupid fights that he is repeating the same shyte he did with his past gfs & would be gfs, as part of his recovery process. 1
Art_Critic Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 sounds to me that he mentioned that to you to get a free ride on how he is currently treating you... He may very well be pushing you away, if he is then listen to him and give him what he wants. Why would you want to be around someone who doesn't want to be around you... you should set the bar high enough that you show that you value yourself quite greatly. Sorry you find yourself at this crossroad ... hope you figure it all out... 13
Author Phoe Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 If it does stem from abandonment from his mother (I thought he lived with his mom though? ) it would be next to impossible for you to change this aspect of him. She's his adoptive mother. He has only a few early memories of his real mother. Mostly unpleasant ones. Her locking him in a room, piling mattresses and furniture on him to "protect him", she was convinced people were going to take him away. He believes she was schizophrenic. Finally she gave him up, and he came to live with his adoptive mother. She's an older woman. I can now also see why moving out from her house is a big deal. She cared for him when no one else would.
Author Phoe Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 Okay so it makes sense now, why he does some of the things he does that annoy you. That's some consolation, but not if he doesn't change. Yup. It all makes sense. There he was acting wonderful most of the time, then out of nowhere, does something very bizarre or hurtful, and I had to wonder WHY he was acting this way, out of left field. Earlier today he said he feels like a failure, like he's not good enough. He admits that he is inadvertently pushing me away, and then he stops and realizes that he's doing so, and quickly apologizes. But I can't handle the push and pull over and over. That won't work at all. Even if he's not doing it intentionally. He can't just revert to his coping mechanism of pushing, turning himself off emotionally, and hiding. I won't spend my life doing that. 5
almond Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I would absolutely require a partner to be seeking regular and ongoing professional help for issues such as this, or I would leave immediately. He admits that he sabotages relationships, hurting you in the process. He has self-diagnosed abandonment issues. It is destructive, and holding him back from building stable and meaningful relationships. You use terms such as "testing me" etc. Do not for one second think that you can love away his issues. You will not be able to "prove" anything to him. Tolerating his toxic behaviour in an attempt to prove to him that you love him and won't abandon him, or pass some twisted "test" is the absolute worst thing you can do. Tread carefully. If he refuses to address these issues and work towards correcting them, I strongly suggest that you leave at once and do not look back, or you'll be setting yourself up for a world of heartache, in a toxic relationship with a damaged man. Good luck. 14
somedude81 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Phoe, what do you want out of this relationship? How do you see things going? Do you feel it's your responsibility to fix him?
Eivuwan Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 This kind of stuff is very hard to change unless he is willing to obtain therapy. It is very ingrained.
Jay77098 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Phoe: Please read almond's post (it's post #10) above. Almond has it exactly right. These issues are NOT about you, or the relationship. These issues are about unresolved emotional issues from his childhood. The term "inner child" gets used (and misused) a lot in modern conversation. In your BF's case, his inner child suffered a serious injury, a life catastrophe when he was abandoned by his mother. His inner child doesn't want to risk suffering this same injury again. So he sabotages his relationships to maintain emotional distance from the most important woman in his life (his GF). By maintaining distance, his inner child protects itself. But the disastrous result is that his adult self doesn't form strong, healthy relationships with women, including you. The good news is that these issues can be addressed by a professional therapist, and he can make progress. But he has to want to work on it, because the progress doesn't come quickly and it doesn't come easily. Believe me when I say this. I am an abandonment survivor myself, so I know whereof I speak on this topic. You and your BF should both read "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. It will help you both understand his behavior and might be a good first step in the process. I wish you the best. It's a long, hard road but with work, things can get better. 7
Snakechammah Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Phoe, you are a nice person, calm and always kind in your advice for others. I read back on your old threads to understand the history of your relationship with this man and well... ...I think the main issue is you are too kind and taking too much responsbility for many of his actions. An empathetic sweet person will always get taken for granted. From what I see, your boyfriend isn't matured enough to handle your relationship. It will be hard to work on a relationship if one plays mind games and emotionally manipulates the other. Are you able to sit down with your man and have an honest conversation about the issues at hand? When you're both calmed and can think straight. I think you also need to revaluate what YOU want out of this. At the end of the day, remember to look after for your own interest. I say that because a carer like yourself tend to put others' needs before your own, and too much of this, you'll drain your energy, and obviously, that's not healthy in the long run. All the best in whatever you decide to do. HUGS. 1
Author Phoe Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 He had therapy in the past, but kind of shrugged it off. It happened while he was in the hospital after a near fatal car crash. A girl he'd been dating was hospitalized, and he frantically rushed to get to the hospital she was at. He crashed, flipped his car 7 times. While in the hospital recovering, he learns the girl died. He acted like it was okay. Like he was sad for the loss of a good person in the world, but denied that he had serious feelings for her. Just that he liked her as a person. He ended up being put in therapy. The therapist thought he had PTSD but he thought it was a load of crap. Now that he's older, he knows better. He knows he's got psychological scarring that has to be dealt with, and he knows he cannot take it out on me. I think the death of that girl, combined with his bio mom, has him very defensive.
almond Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 He knows he's got psychological scarring that has to be dealt with, and he knows he cannot take it out on me. Is he doing anything about it? Saying something and doing something are two very different things. If I were you, I'd make it a condition of the relationship that he is doing something. 8
cerridwen Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I agree with Almond in that action is key here, Phoe. Can you see how the trajectory of the relationship isn't very promising otherwise? 5
Mrlonelyone Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Phoe, I know how hard it is to find someone worth a damn to like. So believe me when I tell you that I don't say this lightly. When someone tells you who they are believe them. - so said Dr. Phil. I have found that to be very true. Your boyfriend has told you who he is. He will not change, please don't think you can make him change. The question for you is, can you live with someone who's going to want to sabotage the relationship due to their issues? Now, he is ahead of the curve in that he now knows he has issues. See if he's willing to get some professional help with you if not, end it. As painful as this may be...without some real help it will just be a long painful slog. I really hope it works out for you. 7
mortensorchid Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Sweetheart, it doesn't matter what his relationship with his mother is or isn't, or any of the other things that you have mentioned about his past. This guy is a loser. He starts things, promises things, builds things up and then he destroys them. You can argue points back and forth, but this guy HAS to lose in life, he cannot win. It doesn't matter the reasons why or why not, he has made up his mind that he has to lose and this is one of the areas in which he does just so. Why? I don't really care about the why or why not, and neither should you. It's his problem, not yours. I would move on. 3
kaylan Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) FIND A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. Sorry to be blunt, but I dont see this ending well. Edited June 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 5
Author Phoe Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 Why are you with this guy still? Because I WANT to be with him. He is an incredible person. We've all got our problems. I just worry that if things stay like this, it won't work.
kaylan Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) Because I WANT to be with him. He is an incredible person. We've all got our problems. I just worry that if things stay like this, it won't work. Ill be honest. It wont work. You remind me of another veteran poster we had here, who would every few weeks, create a thread with the new drama in her relationship. And it would be clear to everyone but her that she should bail. I think most people who've read your threads can see that...as we have an objective outside view of things. Too many red flags, and youre really selling yourself short. But hey if thats what you want, by all means. My last relationship a few years back, taught me to NEVER be with someone who wasnt making me very happy. And while yes, we do all have our own problems and relationships arent a cake walk, your relationship would have made me bail long ago. Issues are far too frequent for a young relationship in my opinion. I think you need to be realistic about all this and what you really want in a partner. This guy has given you red flag after red flag...and his flags are warnings. And now he gives you a blatant warning which he spells out for you, and youre going to do nothing about it. Good luck, but I dont think its worth the drama. Edited June 10, 2014 by kaylan 19
Emilia Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Ill be honest. It wont work. You remind me of another veteran poster we had here, who would every few weeks, create a thread with the new drama in her relationship. And it would be clear to everyone but her that she should bail. I think most people who've read your threads can see that...as we have an objective outside view of things. Too many red flags, and youre really selling yourself short. But hey if thats what you want, by all means. My last relationship a few years back, taught me to NEVER be with someone who wasnt making me very happy. And while yes, we do all have our own problems and relationships arent a cake walk, your relationship would have made me bail long ago. Issues are far too frequent for a young relationship in my opinion. I think you need to be realistic about all this and what you really want in a partner. This guy has given you red flag after red flag...and his flags are warnings. And now he gives you a blatant warning which he spells out for you, and youre going to do nothing about it. Good luck, but I dont think its worth the drama. This ^^^ OP, you are in a codependent relationship. Read up on codependence and why it's unhealthy and a form of control. Only once you face this will you be able to have healthy relationships. 4
Gaeta Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Because I WANT to be with him. He is an incredible person. We've all got our problems. I just worry that if things stay like this, it won't work. No he is not an incredible person, only in your mind. You need to learn to want what is good for you, this man isn't. Lots of people want to smoke, want do drink, want to use drugs, want unprotected sex, want to eat carbs all day, want to drive with no seatbelt, want want want...but all those wants aren't good for us. Learn to seek the things and people that are good for you. It's already not working, only you is not aware of it. You're like the wife that is being cheated on while the entire town is aware of it but she is pretending she knows nothing and everything is dandy. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 This ^^^ OP, you are in a codependent relationship. Read up on codependence and why it's unhealthy and a form of control. Only once you face this will you be able to have healthy relationships. I was in a codependent relationship. With my ex. I am also a real self sabotager; I got professional help for it as I knew it'd hurt those I most loved. Unlike your bf I did something about it. I also made regular threads about my ex.... having to make regular threads about a guy is never a good sign. .things are great with my current bf now and I cannot fathom having go make threads about him ever again . It is also frustrating to posters who give you the same advice on my for you to refute everything we say...... Everyone could see he wasn't any good for me. My ex. We couldn't even leave each others sides after he broke up with me. We were beside ourselves with grief. We were Codependent and couldn't imagine functioning without each other. I hope you find a healthy relationship. Or prove miracles exist and turn this rrelationship into one.
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