Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 That's what I did. Exact same reason. I regret it. Absolutely. Yes. Not crazy. But also not a good choice. Not only are you risking your relationship, you're risking your job. Are you willing to find a new one when it all blows up? Avoid conversations with this guy. Focus on whether or not you want to stay in your current relationship. If not, end it. Then focus on yourself. If you weren't in a relationship you're currently dissatisfied with, this guy might not seem as wonderful. Even if both of you were single, it's still a really bad idea to date someone at work. Why do you say temporarily? Dare I hope it's because you're planning to move on and get over it? Yes, that is what I mean. I will get over it eventually. 1
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I really do have self control and I will use it. It is purely lust, I recognize that. I don't want a relationship with this man. He is just physically attractive, and I love the attention he gives me. Get busy and find some female friends and do new hobbies. Are you insecure and need a man who isn't your boyfriend to pump your ego? That feeling you get when he flirts with you isn't just an ego feed, it's more than that. Ego feeds are fun and harmless! What you and him are doing is too personal and it's very close to an affair. Lustful flirting is dangerous and many of times leads to something else..... How do you have self control when you admitted you couldn't help yourself by telling him how you feel? Imagine he grabs you one night at work and kisses you! Will you have self control then when your knees are weak and your heart flutters? Be honest with yourself, most of all. You can say whatever on here, you're the one who has to live with yourself. We are just here to kick you butt a bit and wake you up before you do something that will put yourself in a situation that will cause innocent people to get hurt! Including yourself! It doesn't take much for most women to get emotionally attached...I bet already you've got feelings for him other than sexual ones. At the end of the day this is all on you. Can you look yourself in the mirror? Sleep peacefully at night? The choice is yours. 1
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 You need to think this over very carefully. You are not yet in the deep end and can still walk away unscathed. Being in an A almost always turns out more of a disaster than happiness. You weigh what you value most in your life and current relationship, an A is always exciting and blood-pumping ( given you stated that you lust after this guy) but the consequences are heartbreaking not just for you but everyone around you. Please spare yourself this heartache, and I don't mean to sound all gloom and doom but I speak as an OW who has survived one A and currently on my second one. These words I write that I really should be telling myself and I hope to find the strength one day to walk away myself. Wow.. I can't imagine being the OW or wanting that, purely physical. I am aware of his home situation and I do not want to replace his wife. I am very conflicted but am exercising self control. Good luck to you darling. 1
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Once you do things that ruin your self respect - it's hard to ever get it back. You're on a slippery slope - and handing him your power will only have disastrous results. Can you get a new job? It's a wise decision. I love my job too much, and so does he. We won't risk it. I just need to move on 1
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Get busy and find some female friends and do new hobbies. Are you insecure and need a man who isn't your boyfriend to pump your ego? That feeling you get when he flirts with you isn't just an ego feed, it's more than that. Ego feeds are fun and harmless! What you and him are doing is too personal and it's very close to an affair. Lustful flirting is dangerous and many of times leads to something else..... How do you have self control when you admitted you couldn't help yourself by telling him how you feel? Imagine he grabs you one night at work and kisses you! Will you have self control then when your knees are weak and your heart flutters? Be honest with yourself, most of all. You can say whatever on here, you're the one who has to live with yourself. We are just here to kick you butt a bit and wake you up before you do something that will put yourself in a situation that will cause innocent people to get hurt! Including yourself! It doesn't take much for most women to get emotionally attached...I bet already you've got feelings for him other than sexual ones. At the end of the day this is all on you. Can you look yourself in the mirror? Sleep peacefully at night? The choice is yours. You are awesome Yes I have friends and hobbies. My boyfriend refuses to "pump my ego" anymore because of his insecurities. He thinks everyone wants me (weirdo). I appreciate your "butt kicking." That's why I joined because I can't share with people I know. Luckily, I truly don't have feelings for him... purely physical He is also 20 years older then me which is enticing but I will control myself. Thank you for the advice
wind willow Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 No one confesses their feelings in order to get over them and move on...how can that possibly make sense? It does make sense if everyone were honest with themselves and with other people. If you told someone you were into them, and they honestly answered that they are attracted to you too but would never be willing to leave their partner, that would allow you to move on and put to rest any silly fantasies otherwise. Unfortunately in practice, most people aren't that honest with others or with themselves. I understand what you are saying, but I had to tell him. He agreed, and we both agreed to be responsible and stop staying late at work to chat and flirting. I do feel better, and yes I have an ego. Glad you feel better. There's nothing wrong with an occasional harmless ego feed. Just be very careful that it stays that way. I can't mention anything like that to my incredibly insecure, jealous boyfriend. That's not good. Maybe your dissatisfaction with your relationship is because you don't feel like you can be open with him. That should be something you can discuss. This may not be the right relationship for you. 1
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 It does make sense if everyone were honest with themselves and with other people. If you told someone you were into them, and they honestly answered that they are attracted to you too but would never be willing to leave their partner, that would allow you to move on and put to rest any silly fantasies otherwise. Unfortunately in practice, most people aren't that honest with others or with themselves. Glad you feel better. There's nothing wrong with an occasional harmless ego feed. Just be very careful that it stays that way. That's not good. Maybe your dissatisfaction with your relationship is because you don't feel like you can be open with him. That should be something you can discuss. This may not be the right relationship for you. I have definitely been thinking about where my current relationship is going, we are at a crossroad for sure.
beach Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Oh come on now - you "couldn't help it?" Sure you could. You just chose not to help yourself. You are responsible for what you do - so you definitely could have helped it. Your ego is in your way of your better judgement. Watch out - it's going to get steamy really quickly. I wish you knew where your healthy boundary is. You've just opened up a whole heap of trouble and things will be a mess for yourself right away. Start leaving work early. Stop talking anything personal with him. You will hurt a lot of people if you don't squash the mess you've created - and I mean right away squish it. 3
Trimmer Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Hello, this is my first post. I am desperate and cannot share with anyone I know for many reasons. I am in a relationship of 3 years now which has been lacking lately. I have been lusting after a co worker who is much older (I'm 34). The moment I began showing interest, simply by flirting he has responded to me. I am trying to be respectful of both of our relationship and am only flirting. We look forward to our daily chats..which are innocent. Lately he has confided in me about his relationship and vice versa. I am always saying encouraging things about his wife. I'm trying so hard to be good. I think my aggressive nature is intimidating to him and he is confused about my signals. I am confused too. The major problem I have is my wandering mind. I can't keep him out of it, I look forward to work and dread the weekends because of him. HELP> Sorry, but "only flirting" is still being disrespectful to both relationships. If you are flirting, your chats are not "innocent." If you are confused and your mind is wandering, you are being neither innocent or respectful. 2
wind willow Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Wow.. I can't imagine being the OW or wanting that, purely physical. Careful you're not fooling yourself. Many have told themselves "my interest is just physical" when that's not really the case. Years ago I dated a single guy I worked with and said to a girl friend that I didn't care where it goes. I was only interested in the physical because he was hot. I ended up toyed with and heart broken. (Luckily for me, he left the company before I got fed up with his games and ended it, so I didn't have to deal with the pain of seeing him every day.) 2
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 13, 2014 Author Posted June 13, 2014 Today was the first day in several weeks that I left reasonably early. Conversation was purposely cut short. We're actually sticking to what we said we would do. Nothing. I'm moving on from the flirtation and chit chat. This is hard but I am trying to repair my current relationship. I'm bummed.
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Today was the first day in several weeks that I left reasonably early. Conversation was purposely cut short. We're actually sticking to what we said we would do. Nothing. I'm moving on from the flirtation and chit chat. This is hard but I am trying to repair my current relationship. I'm bummed. Good for you! Be strong about it. Worse case scenario is very likely if you don't stay strong which is: Have sex, think it is just sex, it turns out to be love, you start to want more, he doesn't want to give more (his wife is more important than you no matter what he says), you then feel terrible, start requesting more, he gets upset, then you are either discovered and wife threatens him with some sort of No Contact or else, or he dumps you and then you have to see him everyday missing and wishing for the physical moments. And because you make him uncomfortable, he makes it hard for you to work there. Actually, The above is the most likely scenario. Any other fantasies are just wishful thinking. You won't ever be able to just have sex with this guy and not feel something in the long run and there are no happy endings to an affair. So you are making the best choice here. 1
Darren Steez Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 You are awesome Yes I have friends and hobbies. My boyfriend refuses to "pump my ego" anymore because of his insecurities. He thinks everyone wants me (weirdo). I appreciate your "butt kicking." That's why I joined because I can't share with people I know. Luckily, I truly don't have feelings for him... purely physical He is also 20 years older then me which is enticing but I will control myself. Thank you for the advice You're lusting after another man and flirting with him. Any wonder your boyfriend is insecure? 1
herself Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 I think it helped me to realize, we want the excitement, the desire, the butterflies. A new partner always seems so appealing because there's no baggage, they look to be nearly perfect as you don't see their flaws, u just see the chemistry, the focus on you the cute little things they do and you begin to want them more and more. But just as it fades in a relationship and a marriage, it fades in an affair partner even if it's an emotional affair, the newness will eventually fade. Downplay this guy, he's just a guy not a God. If you let a person be the reason for your happiness you won't be truly happy. See him as a friend. Text and email your boyfriend more, flirt with him and put energy into your girlfriends to. Take lunch alone and worry less about him. The chemicals in your brain with new love are like a drug and it's got you turned upside down. You matter here, the grass is greener where you water it, get your focus back, you get one life!! 1
jellybean89 Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Today was the first day in several weeks that I left reasonably early. Conversation was purposely cut short. We're actually sticking to what we said we would do. Nothing. I'm moving on from the flirtation and chit chat. This is hard but I am trying to repair my current relationship. I'm bummed. Working on repairing your current relationship bums you out? So why are you with him?
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 Good for you! Be strong about it. Worse case scenario is very likely if you don't stay strong which is: Have sex, think it is just sex, it turns out to be love, you start to want more, he doesn't want to give more (his wife is more important than you no matter what he says), you then feel terrible, start requesting more, he gets upset, then you are either discovered and wife threatens him with some sort of No Contact or else, or he dumps you and then you have to see him everyday missing and wishing for the physical moments. And because you make him uncomfortable, he makes it hard for you to work there. Actually, The above is the most likely scenario. Any other fantasies are just wishful thinking. You won't ever be able to just have sex with this guy and not feel something in the long run and there are no happy endings to an affair. So you are making the best choice here. you're right, no matter what he will never leave her. And I wouldn't want that anyway. My bf and I are working on things, we had a long chat and he is making little efforts to improve. Whats your story?
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 Working on repairing your current relationship bums you out? So why are you with him? We're trying to communicate.. he needs to make some adjustments for it to work
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 You're lusting after another man and flirting with him. Any wonder your boyfriend is insecure? He has always been insecure, in 3 plus years I have never been flirtatious or anything that he knows about.
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 I don't exactly agree with you, I am very flirtatious by nature.. always have been. I have only had 2 partners in my life.. I exercise self control on a daily basis! With this situation, I have to say I found characteristics in this man that my man lacked and I became more intrigued because of it. I am slowly putting an end to it.. I have reached out to my bf to see if he can compromise; I am hopeful. I have to say, if I were a cheater or disrespectful I would have had my way with him a long time ago.
Tarnished Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 DON'T GO THERE! Take it from me - I've just gone through exactly what you are experiencing. This time last year I was having what started out as innocent chats / messages with a co-worker. He got in my head constantly and I couldn't stop imagining being with him. After the chats turned less innocent, I finally asked him what was going on between us (we are both married). Yes, he was attracted to me too and although we both said we couldn't do anything about it, of course we did. Fast forward a year and everything has gone to crap - his marriage, my sanity, my marriage and most importantly we no longer speak which hurts more than anything. (I encourage you to read back over some of my posts and understand the hurt that I have and am still going through over this Affair.) I asked an identical question to you last year and many cautioned me not to get involved, as I'm now saying to you. But of course I didn't heed their advice and had to find out the hard way. If I could rewind I would because although I really enjoyed the time I spent with him, I was contanstly full of angst and conflicted inside. Add to that the pain I'm going through now that he is about to leave my life forever and some days it's hard to get through my work day and concentrate on my job. Please think seriously before you do anything... I wish had... 1
Trimmer Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 He has always been insecure, in 3 plus years I have never been flirtatious or anything that he knows about. Uh... I'm trying to get my head around this. So you've said that you are "very flirtatious by nature", and that you've definitely been flirting with this guy, and are attracted to him to the degree that you communicated that attraction to him, and he reciprocated the emotions. So objectively, a damn strong set of reasons exist for your boyfriend to be plenty insecure, but you maintain that because you think you haven't been obvious about anything, he shouldn't be. So you expect him to be ignorant and happy, and his insecurity is an insult to your acting skills. Do I have that about right? Maybe he isn't as ignorant to your flirtatious nature and your ability to be swayed away from your relationship (both of which are facts) as you think he is. Maybe you aren't as good an actress as you think you are. Perhaps he is more sensitive to your true nature than you give him credit for. 3
fellini Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 (edited) Maybe there is some confusion with being outgoing or lively or intimidated and flirtatious. A flirt by definition is not something to be proud of. We can all dig up a definition of flirt that looks harmless enough, but this is a place where we need to agree on some simple meanings so that we can get on with discussion. I prefer to support the believe that flirting with someone is deliberately provoking them in a sexual way. Regardless of the intended outcome. Because we flirt WITH means we are behaving in a complicit way with another. If a woman is flirting with a man in front of her husband, this is unacceptable behaviour. If she is just being "vivacious" then fine. If you are vivacious and this turns a man on such that he allows himself to think you are flirting with him, then he has to own his response. The line can get quite thin sometimes. Seems to me you are either vivacious, or you are not, but flirting is what you do with specific people. So if you are flirting with a married man, and you have no intentions of doing something about it, you should probably stop. If you want to experiment, flirt, and see where it goes, well this board is full of stories about where you are headed. The problem is you also need to find those specific stories, and my own WS was one, in which someone is attracted to someone at work, begins to share personal stuff, and then before they know it are screwing each other's brains out and not knowing how they got there. The road is foggy, and in spite of your best intentions not to let it get out of hand, it is not ENTIRELY IN YOUR hands because your mind has an emotional side and a rational side. And when the moment strikes... Edited June 19, 2014 by fellini
Friskyone4u Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 If you say he is mixed up because of your signals, telling him what you are feeling will clear that up in a hurry, and you will probably find yourself in a full blown affair very shortly. And if he is quite a bit older than you the prospects of it developing into a long term fantasy love affair that you envision are very small. The more likely result will be that you will create havoc for two families when you get caught in return for some sexual gratification. You might want to take the other path and try to get IC or MC to see why you are looking for this outside validation from your M. If you decide on this path you need to cut off this work relationship, and stop the flirting ASAP . Once you make the first sexual encounter, you will be on the road to living a life of lying, deceit, and stress from your dual life. 1
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 I understand what you are saying but my bf has been insecure since day 1. He does trust me, I have never strayed from him. I don't flirt with his friends or anything like that. This co worker situation is the first time something like this has happened to me. I have said in my previous posts that I'm trying very hard to stop everything but it is very difficult. I am very loyal and always have been. I can't imagine ruining his marriage, my job or my relationship over this strong physical attraction. It's a bit of a struggle right now but I am trying.
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 I am terrified of ruining relationships and even sleeping with someone else ( I have only had 2 partners ever). The age gap is 20 years and I am truly not interested in a relationship with this man. It is purely physical (for me anyway) and I'm trying not to act. I've been taking extra care of my bf lately with affection and such. When my crush began developing I could barely be around my bf. I think this crush will blow over in time, but for now my mind is wandering like crazy. I think he is planning a trip with his friends for a couple of weeks so maybe him not being around will help.
Recommended Posts