Cr8tivePassion Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Hello, this is my first post. I am desperate and cannot share with anyone I know for many reasons. I am in a relationship of 3 years now which has been lacking lately. I have been lusting after a co worker who is much older (I'm 34). The moment I began showing interest, simply by flirting he has responded to me. I am trying to be respectful of both of our relationship and am only flirting. We look forward to our daily chats..which are innocent. Lately he has confided in me about his relationship and vice versa. I am always saying encouraging things about his wife. I'm trying so hard to be good. I think my aggressive nature is intimidating to him and he is confused about my signals. I am confused too. The major problem I have is my wandering mind. I can't keep him out of it, I look forward to work and dread the weekends because of him. HELP> 1
MissBee Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I think you need to be honest with yourself first and foremost about how "innocent" things are and that you're "only flirting." If it was innocent, just flirting, you'd not be here worried about it. Meaningless flirting is meaningless, but clearly this is more and it doesn't help you to pretend (not convincingly either) that things are something other than they are.' Refocus your energy on your relationship and fix it or leave. Don't use this coworker as a distraction to feel good and avoid your dissatisfaction in your relationship, as it's only a bandaid and isn't actually addressing real issues. Likewise, don't allow him to use you in the same way, all the while saying "good things" about his wife. You guys are both fooling yourselves and avoiding your real problems. Both of you owe it to your significant others to address the issues and fix it or let them go and move on...but to carry on this emotional affair pretending it is innocent and most likely progressing to a full blown affair...it will just make things A LOT worse! It can mess with your professional life as well as the expected personal turmoil and emotional turmoil affairs often bring. 7
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 Thank you M.Bee.. you make a LOT of sense. Our conversations are innocent but my feelings and fantasies are not. I think I see things in him that I would like to see in my boyfriend. I was debating on professing my feelings to him tomorrow if only to make myself feel better and maybe get over it. Do you think I should keep my feelings to myself? I know it's selfish but I want to explain myself and then let go. Is that crazy?
jwi71 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Hello, this is my first post. I am desperate and cannot share with anyone I know for many reasons. I am in a relationship of 3 years now which has been lacking lately. I have been lusting after a co worker who is much older (I'm 34). The moment I began showing interest, simply by flirting he has responded to me. I am trying to be respectful of both of our relationship and am only flirting. We look forward to our daily chats..which are innocent. Lately he has confided in me about his relationship and vice versa. I am always saying encouraging things about his wife. I'm trying so hard to be good. I think my aggressive nature is intimidating to him and he is confused about my signals. I am confused too. The major problem I have is my wandering mind. I can't keep him out of it, I look forward to work and dread the weekends because of him. HELP> How do these actions HELP your current R - or even yourself for that matter? From my vantage - this "inappropriate behavior" - is causing you no small amount of anxiety and stress. How does THAT help? I would urge another course of action - the first of which is to immediately go back about 4 pages on this forum and simply read story after story - it'll be crystal clear WHY provided you do so...
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 Thank you for the insight, I need to hear this.
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 It is so hard this road you are about to travel. You will find it hard to resist him, but I promise you, if you don't, prepare for buckets of tears. Know this, typically men do not leave their wives. If you start this up, you will be tortured often. Your self esteem will plummet while you wait for him to fit you in his life. No matter how hard you try, his wife will win. And heaven forbid you both go all the way, likely, someday one of you will get caught, and when that happens he may cut you off instantly right when you are madly in love. All I can say is run. Don't dive in full on. Affairs just suck. I don't mean that in a moralistic "you are a bad girl" way. They are probably the stupidest type of relationship to get into because there is only pain pain and more pain. Aaaaand you work together. After the fling is over, you have to see him. Gaaaah 7
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 Thank you, this is what I needed to hear. I will refrain from letting know how I feel.. and just suffer silently (but temporarily).
wind willow Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I was debating on professing my feelings to him tomorrow if only to make myself feel better and maybe get over it. That's what I did. Exact same reason. I regret it. Do you think I should keep my feelings to myself? Absolutely. Yes. I know it's selfish but I want to explain myself and then let go. Is that crazy? Not crazy. But also not a good choice. Not only are you risking your relationship, you're risking your job. Are you willing to find a new one when it all blows up? Avoid conversations with this guy. Focus on whether or not you want to stay in your current relationship. If not, end it. Then focus on yourself. If you weren't in a relationship you're currently dissatisfied with, this guy might not seem as wonderful. Even if both of you were single, it's still a really bad idea to date someone at work. Thank you, this is what I needed to hear. I will refrain from letting know how I feel.. and just suffer silently (but temporarily). Why do you say temporarily? Dare I hope it's because you're planning to move on and get over it? 3
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 You want a cheater and want to be a cheater??? There's no such thing as fairytales! You go there and you will pay the price! Read, read, read these boards! Good luck! The grass is always greener.... but when you know the odds, it's an educated gamble! 2
beach Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Once you do things that ruin your self respect - it's hard to ever get it back. You're on a slippery slope - and handing him your power will only have disastrous results. Can you get a new job? It's a wise decision.
still_an_Angel Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 You need to think this over very carefully. You are not yet in the deep end and can still walk away unscathed. Being in an A almost always turns out more of a disaster than happiness. You weigh what you value most in your life and current relationship, an A is always exciting and blood-pumping ( given you stated that you lust after this guy) but the consequences are heartbreaking not just for you but everyone around you. Please spare yourself this heartache, and I don't mean to sound all gloom and doom but I speak as an OW who has survived one A and currently on my second one. These words I write that I really should be telling myself and I hope to find the strength one day to walk away myself. 3
GollumsNightmare Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I want to tell you as gently as I can, what happened when MY husband's coworker felt compelled to tell him of her feelings just as you describe. I am not saying this is what always happens, but at least you will have your eyes open to what could happen if you follow through: Long story short- two months of a crazy affair ensued. It ramped up to such an extent he was absolutely manic because he didnt know what he had gotten himself into or how to get out of it. (I'm not absolving him of blame, he jumped into it) How did it end? I walked in on them in bed. I now suffer from PTSD, have lost 20% of my body weight (which i couldn't afford to lose) and half of my hair. I have cried EVERY day for seven months and been through countless hours of counseling. This is infinitely more painful to me than my second trimester miscarriage. He suffers because he feels he is no longer the man of integrity he always thought he was (the consummate nice guy, a pleaser), his son no longer sees him as the hero he always thought he was and his best friends are PISSED at him because he cheated. She has been a mess. This wasnt her first rodeo but she feels yet again she was not good enough for a man to choose her. She realizes that when the fog wore off he was horrified to have been with her. She is devastated. I know. She told me so. 3
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Thank you, this is what I needed to hear. I will refrain from letting know how I feel.. and just suffer silently (but temporarily). It's so pointless other than an ego feed to tell someone you 'like' them when you both are unavailable. It's asking for trouble and will only complicate your life. Since it seems you're either bored or unhappy in your current relationship, why not talk to your boyfriend about how you feel? Work hard to get things back on track with him. Or end it. Glad to hear that you're not going to open that door with the MM coworker. 1
MissBee Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) Thank you M.Bee.. you make a LOT of sense. Our conversations are innocent but my feelings and fantasies are not. I think I see things in him that I would like to see in my boyfriend. I was debating on professing my feelings to him tomorrow if only to make myself feel better and maybe get over it. Do you think I should keep my feelings to myself? I know it's selfish but I want to explain myself and then let go. Is that crazy? It's not crazy but it's a compulsion that doesn't make sense. What you think it will accomplish or the logic behind it doesn't make sense and I think part of you knows it. No one confesses their feelings in order to get over them and move on...how can that possibly make sense? Reminds me of one OW who decided to go on a vacation with MM in order to break up. Huh?! Going on vacation to breakup or say goodbye doesn't make sense and will have the opposite effect. It won't result in a clean break and you moving on, but most likely will result in more emotional investment and more memories and further how can you enjoy the trip knowing it's all over when you disembark? Likewise...it doesn't make any sense that confessing your feelings will lead to closure and him saying what?? "Thank you...you're now free to stop fantasizing" and you will be able to move on from it? No...I think part of you wants to throw caution to the wind and enter the affair and want to confess your feelings in hopes he will do the same and then from there there is no turning back. I would suggest you instead confess to your partner that you're not happy and have begun to fantasize about other people as a result and it scares you. Two things can happen: he dumps you or you guys address the issues you're having and move forward to something stronger. Either of those options are probably better than having this affair. I can also bet that if you confess to your SO and bring this fantasy into the light that you may find your overwhelming desire, fantasies and idealizations of your coworker may subside as you're no longer desperately seeking an escape in him. Edited June 10, 2014 by MissBee
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Thank you for the feedback everyone. I appreciate it, and although I said I wouldn't.. I couldn't help myself and I told him today. He said he has been feeling the same way and can't stop thinking about me. I told him we have to much to lose (job/relationships). He agreed... I will do my best to move forward without him.
Popsicle Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Hello, this is my first post. I am desperate and cannot share with anyone I know for many reasons. I am in a relationship of 3 years now which has been lacking lately. I have been lusting after a co worker who is much older (I'm 34). The moment I began showing interest, simply by flirting he has responded to me. I am trying to be respectful of both of our relationship and am only flirting. We look forward to our daily chats..which are innocent. Lately he has confided in me about his relationship and vice versa. I am always saying encouraging things about his wife. I'm trying so hard to be good. I think my aggressive nature is intimidating to him and he is confused about my signals. I am confused too. The major problem I have is my wandering mind. I can't keep him out of it, I look forward to work and dread the weekends because of him. HELP> Well, something has to get you through the work week. This is how/why the concept of "Work wife/Work husband" was invented. Just don't act on it. 1
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 It's not crazy but it's a compulsion that doesn't make sense. What you think it will accomplish or the logic behind it doesn't make sense and I think part of you knows it. No one confesses their feelings in order to get over them and move on...how can that possibly make sense? Reminds me of one OW who decided to go on a vacation with MM in order to break up. Huh?! Going on vacation to breakup or say goodbye doesn't make sense and will have the opposite effect. It won't result in a clean break and you moving on, but most likely will result in more emotional investment and more memories and further how can you enjoy the trip knowing it's all over when you disembark? Likewise...it doesn't make any sense that confessing your feelings will lead to closure and him saying what?? "Thank you...you're now free to stop fantasizing" and you will be able to move on from it? No...I think part of you wants to throw caution to the wind and enter the affair and want to confess your feelings in hopes he will do the same and then from there there is no turning back. I would suggest you instead confess to your partner that you're not happy and have begun to fantasize about other people as a result and it scares you. Two things can happen: he dumps you or you guys address the issues you're having and move forward to something stronger. Either of those options are probably better than having this affair. I can also bet that if you confess to your SO and bring this fantasy into the light that you may find your overwhelming desire, fantasies and idealizations of your coworker may subside as you're no longer desperately seeking an escape in him. I understand what you are saying, but I had to tell him. He agreed, and we both agreed to be responsible and stop staying late at work to chat and flirting. I do feel better, and yes I have an ego. I can't mention anything like that to my incredibly insecure, jealous boyfriend. I'm just going to continue on the straight and narrow boring path. Miss Bee what's your story?
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Thank you for the feedback everyone. I appreciate it, and although I said I wouldn't.. I couldn't help myself and I told him today. He said he has been feeling the same way and can't stop thinking about me. I told him we have to much to lose (job/relationships). He agreed... I will do my best to move forward without him. So, what was the point of telling him? EGO. Self assurance, to make you feel good. The thing is, you've opened pandora's box. No way is this 'over'. Far from it. you work with him, you've both now expressed there's 'something' there.. It's only a matter of time before you start spending time with him and let your feelings grow and you have a full on affair. You chose this by going against your own better judgement and our advice here. The choice now what happens IS up to you and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself if you continue on. Sadly, I think you will because curiosity is there and now you know he's kind of into you... 4
Speakingofwhich Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I'm just going to continue on the straight and narrow boring path. A wise choice, indeed, as boring is much more enjoyable than the heartbreaking devastation that many, if not most, affairs end in. 1
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 The only logical conclusion to this is to end your backwards, repressive, and unnatural monogamous relationship with your boyfriend immediately. This leaves you free to express yourself as you see fit. See...problem solved! What's the hold up, OP? Dump that horrible man who holds you bound in the chains of monogamy!!!! Owl, I am 34 and have only been in 2 sexual relationships in my life. I'm not married and I feel like experimenting like crazy. It's hard but I know I need to leave married men alone. And my boyfriend is a sweet, loyal guy. Guess I need some excitement.
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Yes, seeing him at work would blow. Sorry I have a potty mouth.
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I understand what you are saying, but I had to tell him. He agreed, and we both agreed to be responsible and stop staying late at work to chat and flirting. I do feel better, and yes I have an ego. I can't mention anything like that to my incredibly insecure, jealous boyfriend. I'm just going to continue on the straight and narrow boring path. Miss Bee what's your story? You've got two issues here. A boyfriend whom you seem not to be in love with anymore and someone who is married that you now know is into you. I hope for your sake and this MM coworker, you both stick to your word and stop flirting, stop spending one on one time together late at work. Since you are bored, spice up your life with your boyfriend or end it with him. You sound like you're a victim/martyr (sorry if that sounds harsh), settling a boyfriend whom you're not married to. Do something about your life to make it happier and more exciting but in an honest way, not in a cheating way.
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Owl, I am 34 and have only been in 2 sexual relationships in my life. I'm not married and I feel like experimenting like crazy. It's hard but I know I need to leave married men alone. And my boyfriend is a sweet, loyal guy. Guess I need some excitement. So spice up your sex life and go slutty and fun with your boyfriend. Have sex in your car with him, go out on dates... remember what attracted you to him 3 years ago! Or, cut him loose and then you can find others to have sex with and experiment with. (hopefully single guys)
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 So, what was the point of telling him? EGO. Self assurance, to make you feel good. The thing is, you've opened pandora's box. No way is this 'over'. Far from it. you work with him, you've both now expressed there's 'something' there.. It's only a matter of time before you start spending time with him and let your feelings grow and you have a full on affair. You chose this by going against your own better judgement and our advice here. The choice now what happens IS up to you and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself if you continue on. Sadly, I think you will because curiosity is there and now you know he's kind of into you... I really do have self control and I will use it. It is purely lust, I recognize that. I don't want a relationship with this man. He is just physically attractive, and I love the attention he gives me.
Author Cr8tivePassion Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 So spice up your sex life and go slutty and fun with your boyfriend. Have sex in your car with him, go out on dates... remember what attracted you to him 3 years ago! Or, cut him loose and then you can find others to have sex with and experiment with. (hopefully single guys) I still love my boyfriend and our sex life is fine, I'm just insatiable right now!
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