Mondmellonw Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Hey! So after a really messy break up, and a lot of months, I am finally getting to know a guy who is very different from my ex...: Mature, responsible, stable, caring, has a healthy way of life, etc. The problem here is, he knows who my ex is. Like I have already stated in here many times, my town is very little. Everyone knows everyone. And my ex and this guy are not the exception. They are not the best friends or anything, but they do know each other. Anyways... it wasn't til today (we went on a date) that he asked me about him. It was our first date, but he has been approaching me from time to time in college. I never thought it was going nowhere for the same reason (yeah, the ex). He just made one question: Are you over him? I said yes. Since he knows my ex, I didn't wanted what else to say. I didn't wanted to say "yes, it was a bad relationship" and victimize myself, or say "yes, it was good but it had to end" because hell no, it was no good lol.... but, the thing is... I am not over the fact that my ex treated me like dirt and manipulated me many times, but I don't love him anymore and I don't wish to be a part of his life ever again. I am still surprised at how many women he's been with since we broke up. I admit and that sometimes this still gets to my self-steem. I am well aware of it, and I know I want to take things slowly with the new guy. Do you think I should add something more about this topic the next time I see him? Am I still at a bad place to date? We haven't kissed or anything intimate. We are just having a good time and it seems like he wants (too) to take things slowly. Any input will be really appreciated.
BC1980 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Don't add anymore info. Don't try to explain you are over him. Less is more. Just show him you are over him. 1
Keenly Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 There is no need to go further into it. If you are over him, you are over him. He should accept your answer. I mean... Unless you display any obvious signs of that not being true. 1
Tayla Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I'd probably wait til the second or third encounter to express a more in tune answer to your current stance on your "ex" and the past relation. Be direct and brief. Such as, It's an on going process of healing, Or I still got some residual from that relation. Its honest, brief and lets the person know that you are a work in progress. Most folks bring some baggage into an upcoming relationship, be it from career, former relations, or episodes that left a mark. Its how its handled that makes the difference. Life is a serious of second chances....and then some!
Elle1975 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Do you think I should add something more about this topic the next time I see him? No, I wouldn't. It would only raise red flags in his head. He asked you a question, and you answered it honestly. Do not bring a past relationship into a new one. If you still have issues due to what happened in your past relationship, work it out, but don't drag him in an emotional "three some". I have learned that the hard way. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Talking about exes with a new person is a no-no, especially if you are the one who brings it up. He asked you a question, you responded, the subject is done. 2
Elle1975 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Talking about exes with a new person is a no-no, especially if you are the one who brings it up. He asked you a question, you responded, the subject is done. That reminds me of my date a couple weeks ago. He kept talking about his ex, in bad terms. While it was clear to me he wasn't the man I need, that really was the cherry on the cake. What a turn off.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 That reminds me of my date a couple weeks ago. He kept talking about his ex, in bad terms. While it was clear to me he wasn't the man I need, that really was the cherry on the cake. What a turn off. I actually did that once intentionally on a date with a woman I wasn't feeling. Did the trick. But in general, I do not condone such behavior.
Elle1975 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I actually did that once intentionally on a date with a woman I wasn't feeling. Did the trick. But in general, I do not condone such behavior. Lol.. that's horrible. I just gave him a ''have a good night'' and ran to my car!
writergal Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 First rule of Date Club: you do not talk date club. That is, you do not talk about your past relationships even if your date knows your ex-boyfriend. It's none of his business. And it is a huge red flag if all you do is talk about your most recent relationship because it show's the other person that you're still not over that relationship and aren't emotionally available to be with this new person yet. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 i have had this ex in my life fro decades i am an exception to the rule and guys who understand and get to know me understand the feelings i hav efor my ex are one of compassion and longing for others to see the child in him i see and cannot abandon. I was in a fifteen year relationship after this ex with a guy who seen and knew of the truth and horrific neglect and rape by christian calling themselves christian souls of my ex, they respect hsi capacity to fight for life....., i am attempting to undo damage and give hope anyway by simple true and lived christian principles of forgiveness and compassion,, not a lot of guys understand this fact, but the ones who do are worth my time to give. yes he has been abusive he has major drug dependencies and the ability to make me doubt my self worth and or make me fill like utter crap, keep your enemies close and know your enemies so in that they dont hurt others with their issues he actually has quite graful child liek traits and is a friend to me regardless of issues....he would put himself in front of me right or wrong because i instilled trust he is loyal and a good brother........., its the devil inside him, grace super abounds with trials though so i am blessed, my ex has sacrificed himself to others and for others, i will not desert him ill give him my house and ill move on when i find a serious relationship, my daughters see him as my brother and he is, i dont desert brothers or family or friends ...i am a soldier not a martyr..... in all honesty have one talk with your guy explain why yoru ex is in your life and enforce your desire to be in a relationship with him, if he doesnt believe you you have problems, always be honest let the guy meet your ex and verify its over........that is what i do.I am always beleived , they however are wary of him, as he is hard to read, until you knwo him and he trusts you. my ex can be a dick when he says dickish things i would pull him up in front of any guy i was interested in or any person in general including my friends, i correct him like i would a younger brother......guys see that younger brother then(he is actually older than me) and come to know i am truthful in all i say about my ex, my ex is open once he trusts someone into sharing history and then guys i have been with see him and the struggles he needs to have a little respect given to him, for surviving.As far as what my ex has done to me he has done unforgivable things to me......but i forgave what he has previously done to me because people are not their mistakes......he is my younger brother he also is apparently not alive by the courts standards so yes to me he is alive he sleeps on my couch and wakes up every morning i consider that to be alive..i have hit so many brock walls with him and the child protection authorty that handled his case who shoved him in an orphanage where he suffered tremendously...its ongoing vivctim restitution going on in the state he was incarcerated into it makes me tired thinking about it as i said huge black marks censoring his files...........and i am helping him be born again literally i have to organize a birth certificate he doesnt even know where he was born so a little difficult since his life is black marked on paper ...as i said exception to the rule granted in so many ways ...if guys cant deal with that...they cant have me. just always be honest limit abusive stories if the guy is going to know him personally thats between you, your ex and god and maybe a church official as in my case....when guys imply i should be with him its disappointing i should be told to be with my brother i have adopted and an intimate relationship that ended over twenty years ago...our relationship was always meant to be brother/sister i was just too young too see it.......deb .
Simon Phoenix Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Lol.. that's horrible. I just gave him a ''have a good night'' and ran to my car! She was really obnoxious though. 1
PhillyConnection23 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I actually did that once intentionally on a date with a woman I wasn't feeling. Did the trick. But in general, I do not condone such behavior. Me too. It was horrible. It worked but I would not recommend it.
Author Mondmellonw Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 Ok, thanks everyone I left the topic right there, and I really hope he won't feel any desire/need to re-open it. I agree with what one of you said: actions and not words. Personally, I haven't talked about an ex to make another person go away lol I prefer being upfront, but that sounds hilarious. 1
Elle1975 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 She was really obnoxious though. No, I know I have a hard time saying "no" during a date. I am aware i need to work on that "thank you, but I don't think we have much in common" kind of deal. 1
jbelle6 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Nope, badmouthing people always makes me look down on the person who does it, not the person they are talking about. I think it shows more class and less bitterness to just let go. Our dumpers are flawed and human just like us. 1
Author Mondmellonw Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Yes, thanks jbelle6 Nothing about the ex has been said and nothing will be (unless strictly necessary).
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