Should I Take My Wife's Offer...Part 2!

[nysaxo]

Hi, I have started a new thread, because I see a lot of good responses, but it took loveshack.org OVER 24 hours to allow me to activate my account. I had to change my email address to accomplish this. Loveshack.org would not let me respond to anybody since I had to activate my account, but they never sent me the email to activate it and told me that I had to wait that 24 hours. It has been over 36 hours now and no email, so I was forced to change my email address in their system to get past this bug. It sounds like a bug to me on loveshack.orgs part, but now I can finally respond.

 

First of all, if you have not read my original post, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56894/ and read it first. I receive a lot of great advice from everybody who responded, but let me add to my original post and respond to you all in general.

 

I really feel like I am in a bind. My wife DOESN'T want to go for therapy or couseling. Some of you argued that if she told me to go have sex with another woman, then she really does not mean it and she is saying it out of low self-esteem or depression. Ok, I agree with that advice. I have no arguements with everybody who said that.

 

Some of you told me that I should give her an ultimatum or be firm with her. I just do not think an ultimatum is a good idea. I think ultimatums are just stressing the other person out and will make things worse, not better.

 

So, the sum of the last 2 paragraphs is that I do want to go for counseling and/or therapy with my wife, but she does not want to. She thinks that is doomed to be fat forever. I DON'T think she's fat. yes, she gained weight, but she is not fat. And I refuse to give her an ultimatum. Ultimatums just do not work for everybody, both the person giving the ultimatum and the person receiving it.

 

So, now I did try to be firm with my wife like some of you suggested, but she does not care. She says we have an open marriage. Give me a %^ break! So, can some of you please tell me what an open marriage exactly is? Am I supposed to go out, have sex with another woman and tell my wife? That is just too weird for me to tell my wife that. I just won't even though she says it is ok. And keep in mind that I do not want to get a divorce. I am divorced already and I just do not want a second one if I can help it. I cheated on my first wife without guilt, but I refuse to do that again. I grew up and changed since my first marriage. I know some of you believe that I man cannot change. if he cheats or leaves his wife the first time, he can do it again. Not me. I vowed to get married and NOT cheat on my wife. I wised up and became more mature about this.

 

So, now that I made this vow to not cheat on my wife, she tells me it is ok. Is that messed up or what? I am so stressed out about this. Maybe this sounds like a lie, but it is not.

 

Also, when my wife told me to that we have an open marriage, I asked her what she thought marriage was (this is her first), did she think that her husband would sit there and not have sex with her. She said she had hoped that would be the case with her husband. She told me that she never liked sex, but we had a good sex life before we were married.

 

Ok, I have said enough, but I hope I have given you more insight into this situation. I personally don't think that I need to go for single therapy (like some of you suggested). I just want a decent sex life with my wife and all the arrows are pointing toward pursuing another woman. Do I really need therapy by myself for this situation?

 

I believe that talking to you people who seem sincere can give me better insight that any therapist can.

 

What's your take?

[LucreziaBorgia]

It doesn't sound like she's willing to budge and she sounds pretty sincere about not liking sex. Yes, believe it or not - some people simply aren't sexual and see sex as having very little importance outside of 'closing the deal during courtship' and 'procreation'. Is this because of her weight? Maybe, but no matter what is causing it, it is up to her to make the necessary changes and she is simply unwilling to do that. She has to want to change. If she doesn't then the only other option (if separation/divorce is out of the question) is coping and compromise.

 

I'm not sure what to tell you other than that for her, sex and emotion seem to be mutually exclusive and she assumes that if it is that way for her then it must be that way for you, too. I expect she thinks that if you go and have sex with a woman, that it won't be anything but that: just sex. Have you explained to her that for you sex and emotion go hand-in-hand and that should you begin seeing other women outside of the marriage that you fear that you will have emotional attachments as well, which will damage your marriage?

 

You are in a very tough situation. You are a regular guy who just wants to have a full sexual and emotional relationship with a wife for whom sex has little or no importance. I honestly see no easy fix for it. I know people in this situation, and the way it works is that the couple lives together, raises the kids together, act as partners and friends - and carry out discreet relationships on the side. The lines are firm though, for them - while they are close and they care for each other, they don't delude themselves into pretending to be married in a way that they are not.

 

If you are out of options, and there is absolutely no way that your marriage will change, and you do not consider separation or divorce - then you'll have to find coping strategies that work for you both, and change the parameters of what you do have. You'll have to set down rules that will make things work best for you all.

 

I'm guessing your wife really doesn't care what (or who) you do as long as it doesn't disrupt the family unit or result in separation or divorce. Unfortunately, that isn't what is ideal for you and I truly do hope that you and your wife can work together to try to find something workable for you both out of this situation.

[whichwayisup]

Some of you told me that I should give her an ultimatum or be firm with her. I just do not think an ultimatum is a good idea. I think ultimatums are just stressing the other person out and will make things worse, not better.

 

I agree with you 100%!! NO ultimatiums. IF she can't make a decision to go to marriage councilling then pushing this at her will make it worse.

 

She is depressed. My suggestion (if you have to) bring her bestfriend or a sister if she has one with you - AND DRAG her to see her doctor. Maybe some anti depressants is what she needs right now to get her UP and over the first hump. She is not thinking clearly - That is for sure. You say she thinks she will be fat forever. She may really feel this way and is too tired, too down to do anything about it. It's a total self esteem issue now and nothing you can do will change it. Only she has to decide that. When she is ready, but you can do as much as you can to encourage her!!

 

So, can some of you please tell me what an open marriage exactly is? Am I supposed to go out, have sex with another woman and tell my wife? That is just too weird for me to tell my wife that. I just won't even though she says it is ok. And keep in mind that I do not want to get a divorce.

 

Her saying this to you is a test to see how much you love her. She's playing a 'feel sorry for me' game, but it is NOT mean or malcious, it's coming from a sad lonely place...I really feel for her, she must be so down to say and feel that way. AND it is nothing you have done, believe that. She DOES love you!!

 

I guess open marriage means, act single but when you come home, then what you do out there is kept out there.

Makes NO sense to me WHY anybody would want that, or allow a spouse to do that. Just shows how much help she needs.

 

nysaxo, you seem to know what you want so that is good to hear. Don't give up on her. Once you make the final choice to stick with her in this, then do it.

 

There is a website called depressionfallout. IF you do a google search on it or put in Anne Sheffield (I think that is how it is spelt) you can get the direct link. It's for spouses of depressed husbands/wives.

 

I hope this helps. And yes, we're alot cheaper than therapy!! I know it does help getting various ideas, support and opinions from everyone.

[nysaxo]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Originally posted by whichwayisup Her saying this to you is a test to see how much you love her. She's playing a 'feel sorry for me' game, but it is NOT mean or malcious, it's coming from a sad lonely place...I really feel for her, she must be so down to say and feel that way. AND it is nothing you have done, believe that. She DOES love you!!

 

I guess open marriage means, act single but when you come home, then what you do out there is kept out there.

Makes NO sense to me WHY anybody would want that, or allow a spouse to do that. Just shows how much help she needs.

 

Thanks for the great insight. I am glad it is not me, but I will try to be there for her as much as possible, By the way, it is depressionfallout.com - looks like a good site

 

I always thought an open marriage was when 2 spouses get bored of each other and they have sex openly in front of each other, which deletes any possibility of cheating, but that is not my situation.

[nysaxo]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia If you are out of options, and there is absolutely no way that your marriage will change, and you do not consider separation or divorce - then you'll have to find coping strategies that work for you both, and change the parameters of what you do have. You'll have to set down rules that will make things work best for you all.

 

Yes, I guess I will just have to find that coping strategy that works. Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

nysaxo, your welcome and anytime.

 

I guess the open marriage thing I just won't ever nor do I want to understand!! Each to their own I guess!!

 

LOL actually I knew the link but thought the mods would remove it so I let you do some of the leg work to find it! And also I don't think you've posted enough to enable private messaging, otherwise I would have shot you over the link to that as well.

 

Hang there and just know you are doing the right thing. I bet it's real hard on you...I know afew people - including my cousin who has a severly depressed wife and it is hard on them all...Stick with it and hopefully with some hard work she'll come around again and feel good.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by nysaxo

Yes, I guess I will just have to find that coping strategy that works. Thanks.

 

Hopefully both of you will! If your wife has a problem (whether its low sex drive, depression, or a simple lack of motivation to see that your needs are met too), and that problem is directly resulting in this situation, and she absolutely refuses to acknowledge or treat said problem... then you have a really tough road ahead.

 

I do not think it would be solved by seeing other women. She'd allow you to do that with some unspoken hope that even if you have her permission, you won't do it because "you love her". Maybe she wants to know that she is more important than sex, and that you need her more than you need sex. She has distanced herself from sex, and is forcing you to make a choice: either you love her, or you love sex and you can't have both. Serious, serious problems there.

 

Ok, so you don't cheat and you pass that test. You love her more than you love the idea of having sex with someone else. You choose her over sex. That still leaves you in a very bad situation, and you are on the terribly unfair end of it. Your needs are sacrificed to satisfy hers. I wish there were some easy way to tip the balance closer to the fair end of the spectrum, but if she is unwilling, unable and unmotivated to budge even an inch then I'm not sure what to say.

[uberfrau]

You have a very curious situation. Is your wife a religious woman? Is she Asian? I wonder if cultural influences have affected her outlook on sex.

[nysaxo]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

I wish there were some easy way to tip the balance closer to the fair end of the spectrum, but if she is unwilling, unable and unmotivated to budge even an inch then I'm not sure what to say.

 

LucreziaBorgia, all good points. You are one of the "respondees" that makes me feel like ordinary people are better than therapists. I will have to come to terms with it somehow. At least I have some affection from my daughter

[izzybelle]

not that i'm suggesting this but... i know a number of happily married couples who are "swingers" and also know another couple that has an agreement that as long as they inform the other that they'll be "seeing" someone else it's ok. they have been happily married for almost 20 years. if it's done behind the other's back, it's a deal breaker. as i said, i'm not suggesting that but it does work for some.

 

while i can see how this might be a "test", i guess i'm not as convinced as some of the other posters. is she the type of person who would typically test or manipulate you to see what you'd do?

 

also, having grown up in a household with a mother who detested sex and did believe that it was ONLY to be done out of duty (which she told me disgusted her) or for procreation, i do know that some women, who are not depressed, just plain don't like sex. it had nothing to do with body image or anything else, she just thought it was gross. i'm sometimes amazed that i was ever conceived. i'm just glad i take after my father in that respect