Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Hey guys Ive just got myself into a relationship with someone whose only been single for 4 years. He has a six year old daughter and was married. I was been single for 11 years, never had any children and never lived with a partner. I feel like there is a gap in our experience and i cannot but help but feel anxious. I was a lot bigger than i am now, so.i suppose thr experiences in the last year has made up for a lot of time. This new guy is intentional but progressional so he isn't like thr last guy i was previously about to date as. He iwas so urgent about us dating yet hardly knowing a thing about me. His desperation was a turn off despite my friends telling me i should just go for it. The fact that he had no job was a turn off. He admired the fact that i had been single for over a decade but complained that him being single for two years was too long. My friends kept telling me that a man being single for two years is long. Somehow there appears to be a double standard. It appears that it's ok for a woman to be single for a lot longer but not for a man..where's the logic in that? I know that my first time into a real adult relationship is going to someone's second. I cannot help that my current relationship might compare me to his daughters mother because it wasn't that long a go ( in my book) that they divorced. But my last boyfriend was a 20 year old kid when i was the same age. He was abusive and controlling. Not sure how he turned out but that and a handful of "almost" relationship situations is the only experience I have. I guess I'm anxious about me not being "skilled "and "experienced" enough for him. I don't do well with receiving compliments from men, ignore and am completely oblivious to flirting ( as I'm use to being not chosen by men) and am use to fixing my own problems and sorting my own life out... anyone gone from being alone for a really really long time ( like more than five years) to into a relationship? What's the adjustment period like? And was it as stressful for you as it was for me? And why is it that people expect men to be single for a lot less longer than woman? I feel like this double standard is not ok. I'm really scared of embracing the changes that are happening in my lifr right now. I'm use to being a "me" and not a "we" and I find my current boyfriends past with his ex wife a bit hard to accept as i have come into a relationship without much experience. I'm surprised my lack of experience hasn't turned him right off!!!!!!
Mrin Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Ha! Those are probably perfectly normal fears to have. Though I find it interesting that you focus on the relationship experience gap and not the parenting experience gap. That will probably be the most noticeable. Totally something you can overcome though. I wouldn't worry too much about his past relationship experience unless of course he's not over her. How long has he been split up from his ex? The one thing I guess I would say is take it slow and be open with your fears. With relationship experience gaps they will manifest themselves in a couple of different ways. A guy who has been married before may be really eager to go full bore quickly as a deep relationship is something he is comfortable with. He's been there done that. Or he might be incredibly gun shy - been there done that don't want to do it again. This is all new territory for you. I would just be open with him but be sure to stress over and over that any fears you have aren't rooted in him or something he can change or do but rather just the nature of going from "me" to "we" with anyone. He should be able to understand that. I don't think there is a double standard. If anything, women who are single for a long time are considered selective or choosy. Men who are single for a long time... Well there has to be something wrong with him. Right?
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 I feel he's taking a massive risk taking on a woman with no previous history with relationships and I'm equally afraid for him! No 31 year old man wants to date someone whose 18. ( well there are men out there who choose to date 18 year olds but that's a different story) but that's as good as my experience someone whose between the ages of 18 to 20. And i often wonder what can offer him with my low level of experience? The gap is seriously big and leaves me feeling scared. Most people EXCEPT you to have had at least two long term relationships by 30 and or married. But not me. His expectations will differ from mine. I tried to go slow with getting to know the last guy but he was too impatient. Mind you he couldn't handle being alone. I feel disappointed that I'm 30 years old without much "skills" and " experience " and i have often felt embarrassed because of my long term single status. The adjustment often leaves me trying to avoid him sometimes because the panic gets to me.
Gaeta Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Daisy you need to start somewhere, you need to let go of the fact you are 30 and never dated, I know someone who had a date for the first time at 28. Now she is married and mom of 2. So what you were single for 10 years. You want to be single for another 10 years? Having relationship experience isn't all it's meant to be. What helps in a relationship is our personal development, our willingness to be open and communicate, our patience, compassion. To be successful in a relationship you need to be good at being a human being. I am 48, I was married twice, long term, then single for 10 years, then a bunch of short term relationships that went nowhere. I got experience but most days I feel I know nothing and all this baggage doesn't help at all so it's back to square one when I meet a new man. Stop, let it go, you are not the circus animal you think you are. 1
Recommended Posts