Broke up 5 months ago, kept me hanging and i feel played...

[gj13]

Hey all... after months of reading up every thread i could (and several other forums) i decided to write up my story and would appreciate any input...

 

I met my ex almost 5 years ago while in college. He'd just graduated for a masters and i was halfway through my degree. He's 6 years older and at the time i was 21 (we're now 25 and just-turned 32). We met and started dating and broke up a year later. We kept seeing each other frequently but we were not official. My family never liked him and that always put a strain on our relationship, specially because he never felt welcome/at ease/accepted and since i live at my mother's house, sometimes things got tense. Though they both tried to get along for me.

 

We started an official relationship once again, a year and a half after we broke up. Things were amazing and i was happy. We talked about engagement and our future often and we both agreed that we could start planning a future together in 2014 (this year). However things started to cool off. My job used to be a few blocks away from his and we'd see each other every day. And last year my company moved offices to the other side of town, so between distance and work we saw each other less and less and started fighting. We talked less but when we were together everything seemed better and we forgot the reasons we fought off for in the first place. He started resenting my absence in his life and i resented his inability to listen to me anymore and things got rough. We still talked about marriage even when things were rough so i thought that we would be able to work things out..and we didnt.

 

I come from a super old fashioned family, so travelling with him was off limits. And because of my unbringing and personal reasons i had decided to wait until marriage for sex. Both of these aspects greatly influenced our relationship and though he had always been understanding and supportive, eventually it took a toll on us and he broke up with me in january.

 

We kept talking, seeing each other, i even grabbed a plane to another country to support him in something he was achieving there. But he always pulled back. I was trying to be supportive they he neeeded and i wanted to be there for him (his grandma died during this time, and his brother got divorced). But whatever i did was never enough. We talked, we texted, we saw each other. He kept saying how much he missed me how much he loved me and how he kept thinking that us getting back was the best but that he was afraid that things would not change or that we wouldnt be ever to have a more mature relationship. Months dragged on whist i decided to play cool and give him some time to sort out. He kept on saying he felt his life should be different due to his age, how he should be more established and just better off economically and at work. And last week, i erased him off fb and twitter because i grew tired of waiting, it was an impulse and he wasnt very happy about it. We didnt talk for the weekend and he asked to meet up in person on wednesday. I asked him for a last chance and it turned out that that weekend he went out with a girl. I'd like to point out, that 2 weeks prior to this, we'd been getting along real well, we had a nice dinner date and kept calling and texting all day long (every day). At several points he kept me thinking we might solve out and get back together.

 

This all broke my heart since just friday (a day before he went out with this girl) he'd told me that all he wanted was to run back hug me and start over. I feel played, cheated even...and still i know that it had been almost 5 months since we were broken up so no it wasn't cheating. Right now i feel lost, sad and destroyed. My mother went into ER on friday and he was the first i could call and he texted me that day and saturday insistently saying how much i could count on him since i was really important in his life. I cannot help but feel like he kept me there hanging until he found something "New" and i definitely cannot compete with this feeling of novelty"new-ness"

 

I'm scared of even opening his twitter name (i unfollowed him) because i don't wanna see anything related to his new girl. I miss him so much and i just really wished he'd let me in again and we could both work things out and grow and fight for what we had dreamed and planned off. I never went NC on him and now i regret it, but since our last live meet up we stopped texting and talking until the thing with my mom, and its all silent again.

 

 

He was my best friend, my love and right now nothing really makes sense anymore. Its been 5 months but in reality it feels like only 5 days since our real break up. Any advice, feedback ANYTHING is greatly appreaciated. I really want yo get back with him, but i wanna heal and im scared that this new girl ends up with him...im terrified. He is the love of my life and i dont want to loose him. Thank you so much for reading.

[BroknHrt]

He is being an ass because he does not value the relationship he had with you and he believes he can do better. You are going to be hurt worse later and I know it is hard to hear, but the tears will continue to be there. This break up will take you many months and maybe even a year or more to recover from. I know you want to get him back just as almost every dumpee on this website wants to get their ex back.

 

The fact is that decision is not up to only 1 person. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. My BEST advice is to you is to continue NO CONTACT and DO NOT respond to any of his messages, unless he decides to make a huge effort to get back together with you. You have to make him pursue you and act like you have moved on or he will never get back with you.

 

Good luck but please be aware how much harder this situation can get if you decide to keep contact. This decision is up to him now because you are allowing him to have the upper hand. I hope you don't get hurt worse later (most miserable feeling I have ever experienced)

[gj13]

Thank you for your reply. I do realize that my biggest mistake was not going NC right after the break up and i actually sometimes feel as though i ruined any chance to get back with him by continuing there, as i always have.

 

I don't if he has continued to see this girl or not but would it be possible that this be a rebound? I realize i need time to heal and better myself but im secretly (or not so secretely) hoping that he'll get over the dating thing fast and work on his own issues too, specially since we both had marriage in mind at some point.

 

I accept my pain and i want to move on and change for the better, i just feel very insecure and afraid as of now.

[drewdude]

I somewhat know what you are going through. I wen't NC right after my ex and I broke up in early April. But she bugged and begged for 2 weeks to get me back. At the time it seemed genuine, so I gave in and started seeing her again. Not even a few days after she totally busted a 180 and no longer talked to me like she use to, was very dodgy with texts/hang outs but supposedly still missed me/needed me. This past weekend she went to San Diego with some guy. Confronted her and said the same thing about missing me yet didn't want to see me, finally got her to admit we were done. In the end I got attached and used. I am 1 day of NC now and don't plan on looking back.

 

I really hope you do the same, these people are really messed up in the head.

[Michael 93]

It is so difficult to understand where the time goes.

 

One minute you are happily in love and with the person of your dreams..

 

Next minute its 6 months post B/U and your still stuck in the same place. wondering why and if they still think about you?

 

What I want you to understand is you are not alone, there are people here who are experiencing the exact feelings you are right now. Do not feel alone.

 

Every time I hear somebody mention the date at work, or future planned dates or months it hurts my heart to know that it has been that long since she left me.. They say times a healer, at the moment I have no proof of that but you have to WANT to make an effort. The problem I have is that I haven't done that yet..

 

 

One thing I suggest is just say to yourself... If i love them that much, I want them to be happy I want them to have a good life..I need to let them go.

 

Nothing in the world has hurt me more than my ex. And I do not owe her anything at all.. But I don't hate her. I love her that much that I realize you have to let them go and find what they need.

 

They know just how much we cared you don't have to tell them that. But unfortunately it just wasn't enough for them. So Cmon GJ lets get up and go again :)

[Marco Valerio]

It is so difficult to understand where the time goes.

 

One minute you are happily in love and with the person of your dreams..

 

Next minute its 6 months post B/U and your still stuck in the same place. wondering why and if they still think about you?

 

What I want you to understand is you are not alone, there are people here who are experiencing the exact feelings you are right now. Do not feel alone.

 

Every time I hear somebody mention the date at work, or future planned dates or months it hurts my heart to know that it has been that long since she left me.. They say times a healer, at the moment I have no proof of that but you have to WANT to make an effort. The problem I have is that I haven't done that yet..

 

 

One thing I suggest is just say to yourself... If i love them that much, I want them to be happy I want them to have a good life..I need to let them go.

 

Nothing in the world has hurt me more than my ex. And I do not owe her anything at all.. But I don't hate her. I love her that much that I realize you have to let them go and find what they need.

 

They know just how much we cared you don't have to tell them that. But unfortunately it just wasn't enough for them. So Cmon GJ lets get up and go again :)

 

I just feel the same. I was once deeply in love with her, I did everything I could for her happiness, because I wanted the best for her...and suddenly I realize that 6 months have past since the B/U. I'm still standing in a very hurtful position, I think about her every single day and I still care about her. She was never a good GF to me, she had some good things, but far away of what you would considered a good GF. This week is going to be very hard, on thursday is my birthday and on friday hers.

 

The truth is that not everyone is capable to love, and there's no several ways of loving, there's only one, and is never ever selfish.

Edited June 10, 2014 by Marco Valerio

[gj13]

Thanks guys, yes it's really messed up. Today marks a week since i "officially" learned of his new date and it's been so hard the minute i woke up and had to leave for work.

 

I went into whatsapp and noticed he'd changed his "status" to some sappy love song and i got so mad on my insides thinking "ITS TOO FAST, WHAT THE HELL". I know timing is weird, but it really does seem to fast for him to move on like this.

 

Some friends suggested to me that maybe he is going out to avoid loneliness and get over the breakup, God knows if that ever does work. I doubt it would for me. I'm still on the fence, don't know if he is rebounding or actually DID find someone good for him...I do want his happiness because I DO love him with all my heart, i just don't know what i really feel right now.

 

I started writing everything i feel in letters (that probably won't even be delivered), it's only been a couple of days with NC (had to reset the count on saturday) and i'm literally just DYING inside. I never got to tell him how played i felt and how wrong it was the way he did it.

[ProcessingThisBU]

I totally understand you. I'm on the same boat. My gf broke up with me and on holidays she changed her profile photo in Whatsapp to one where she appeared with her new bf on a trip. (we were in LC) Since I deleted her number, some people came to me to ask me what was all about. So I saw the photo and I was devastated to find out in that way. Later she changed her status to "I'm Happy!" and all that crap. I deleted her number from my cellphone, but she continued to post photos with him (they told me).

 

I was in shock, because I felt it was too quick for her to go on vacation with some dude she met two or three weeks before! And to be in a relationship with him! And yes, they started with the "I love yous" pretty quick. I was crushed.

 

It feels horrible. The shock is we cannot accept that someone we loved can do this to us. But you know, the thing is that they are not the person we knew and loved any more. They are not the same that was with you and told you that loved you. They are another person.

 

So I kept the memory of this loving girl that was 2 yrs with me and that told me I was important for her. When she came and rubbed her new relationship to me, and took a careless attitude, without any consideration, I don't know who is this person anymore.

[gj13]

I know, people change and their priorities do too as they grow older. I just cannot fathom that they changed so much in such a short notice. How i went from his future fiancee to the most undesirable persona right now. I cannot stop thinking if his agoinizing too? Of he remembers me too? If he tries to read into what i write or not and if he wonders where/with who I am... or if its only me? Man... some days it just gets harder and harder and today is one of those days...

[BroknHrt]

He still thinks of you. He will miss you at times. He will agonize and he is having a hard time going through this. He might seem happy on the outside with a new woman, but when he is alone the thoughts of his betrayal creep up inside of him.

 

I feel for you and I wish I could take your pain away. I really do.

 

This is going to continue to be hard and everyone on here has there really bad days. 2 months from now you will look back and be happy you were able to experience the type of love you had with him.

 

Don't fall for the breadcrumbs because I believe your ex will contact you. You must stay strong and ignore the contact. If he realizes you don't want him anymore then that is when he will pursue you.

 

Know that he hasn't moved on and that he has pain as well.

[gj13]

He still thinks of you. He will miss you at times. He will agonize and he is having a hard time going through this. He might seem happy on the outside with a new woman, but when he is alone the thoughts of his betrayal creep up inside of him.

 

I feel for you and I wish I could take your pain away. I really do.

 

This is going to continue to be hard and everyone on here has there really bad days. 2 months from now you will look back and be happy you were able to experience the type of love you had with him.

 

Don't fall for the breadcrumbs because I believe your ex will contact you. You must stay strong and ignore the contact. If he realizes you don't want him anymore then that is when he will pursue you.

 

Know that he hasn't moved on and that he has pain as well.

 

Thanks BroknHrt, i will keep the NC going. He hasn't contacted me and i don't think he will soon (if he ever does). I do wish him all the best because he was an amazing, faithful, loving and dedicated BF and we shared a beaituful story. It's only sad it had to end like this.

[GoBlue]

I am sorry for your pain. Relationships are messy and can get complicated. These things tend to work out for the best though (break ups). The exception is when one or both parties in a romantic relationship ignore significant red flags that appear. Stay strong in your beliefs about waiting until marriage for sex because I know from firsthand experience that compromising on that belief never helps a struggling relationship. It sounds like you two have been barely hanging on for a while. Hold strong and see where things go. Marriage never heals a relationship that has significant problems, it magnifies them.

[jbelle6]

He still thinks of you. He will miss you at times. He will agonize and he is having a hard time going through this. He might seem happy on the outside with a new woman, but when he is alone the thoughts of his betrayal creep up inside of him.

 

I feel for you and I wish I could take your pain away. I really do.

 

This is going to continue to be hard and everyone on here has there really bad days. 2 months from now you will look back and be happy you were able to experience the type of love you had with him.

 

Don't fall for the breadcrumbs because I believe your ex will contact you. You must stay strong and ignore the contact. If he realizes you don't want him anymore then that is when he will pursue you.

 

Know that he hasn't moved on and that he has pain as well.

 

 

 

What betrayal? They broke up 5 months ago, OP might have clung on, but he ended it long ago. It hurts yes, but I don't see the betrayal.

 

Or another poster said not everyone knows how to love??? Because they don't love us? That's crazy. Our exes know how to love they just don't love us. It's unfortunate but that's how feelings go.

[jbelle6]

Thanks guys, yes it's really messed up. Today marks a week since i "officially" learned of his new date and it's been so hard the minute i woke up and had to leave for work.

 

I went into whatsapp and noticed he'd changed his "status" to some sappy love song and i got so mad on my insides thinking "ITS TOO FAST, WHAT THE HELL". I know timing is weird, but it really does seem to fast for him to move on like this.

 

Some friends suggested to me that maybe he is going out to avoid loneliness and get over the breakup, God knows if that ever does work. I doubt it would for me. I'm still on the fence, don't know if he is rebounding or actually DID find someone good for him...I do want his happiness because I DO love him with all my heart, i just don't know what i really feel right now.

 

I started writing everything i feel in letters (that probably won't even be delivered), it's only been a couple of days with NC (had to reset the count on saturday) and i'm literally just DYING inside. I never got to tell him how played i felt and how wrong it was the way he did it.

 

 

 

OP, I am so sorry you are hurting. I know what that is like.

I would not put much stock into this being a rebound because I have had rebound relationships last 6 years, 2 years, and 2 years again. Also, he waited 5 months to date, that's a fair amount. Better than most stories I see on here. I think you see the break up as 5 days ago, but he ended it 5 months ago, this is what staying friends does, keeps false hope. Hope keeps us from healing in this situation.

 

Dumpers like to stay friends, they all seem to, I don't think he purposely lead you on. No contact was made for these exact situations because they ALWAYS happen. So, keep up with that and you will see yourself feeling better. DO NOT go on any social media anymore, you will just torture yourself.

[gj13]

I am sorry for your pain. Relationships are messy and can get complicated. These things tend to work out for the best though (break ups). The exception is when one or both parties in a romantic relationship ignore significant red flags that appear. Stay strong in your beliefs about waiting until marriage for sex because I know from firsthand experience that compromising on that belief never helps a struggling relationship. It sounds like you two have been barely hanging on for a while. Hold strong and see where things go. Marriage never heals a relationship that has significant problems, it magnifies them.

 

You are completely right, I am firm on that belief. But i do regret it at times, seeing it as i was waiting for that one person and pretty much screwed experiencing it with whom i still think is the love of my life (or at least for now). Sometimes focusing too much on the future is not healthy at all. And you're right about marriage, even if its something i wanted with all my heart (and he says he did too), i think i couldn't have done it because I barely even know myself right now. Things just happen for a reason, i need healing and i need to know this girl that i am now at 25 since i'm no longer the younger version i was when i met him. Thank you

[gj13]

What betrayal? They broke up 5 months ago, OP might have clung on, but he ended it long ago. It hurts yes, but I don't see the betrayal.

 

Or another poster said not everyone knows how to love??? Because they don't love us? That's crazy. Our exes know how to love they just don't love us. It's unfortunate but that's how feelings go.

 

I don't think of it as a betrayal either even if it hurts. I do think it was wrong how he handled things, but then again i also made mistake of being there. We both were and it was a mutual choice. We both at some point agreed we'd work it out for a small period of time before comitting again (to ensure things might work) and we had our ups and downs whilst at it. Out of the blue he started dating while i was thinking we were still giving it a go. And that's why i think he didn't do it right. I should've gone NC since January and probably my story would be so much different. Who knows.

[gj13]

OP, I am so sorry you are hurting. I know what that is like.

I would not put much stock into this being a rebound because I have had rebound relationships last 6 years, 2 years, and 2 years again. Also, he waited 5 months to date, that's a fair amount. Better than most stories I see on here. I think you see the break up as 5 days ago, but he ended it 5 months ago, this is what staying friends does, keeps false hope. Hope keeps us from healing in this situation.

 

Dumpers like to stay friends, they all seem to, I don't think he purposely lead you on. No contact was made for these exact situations because they ALWAYS happen. So, keep up with that and you will see yourself feeling better. DO NOT go on any social media anymore, you will just torture yourself.

 

Yes, NC is all for the best. I was just to scared of him moving on if i did it and it turned out it happened anyway... i guess i was the only one on the losing end anyway.

 

Tough to read the rebound thing, but you're right, i can't really live on false hope or waiting for his relationship to fail. That would only hurt me more in the long run

[me85]

gj13...

 

I've been right where you are.

I'm very sorry you are going through this but in time, you WILL feel better.

Someone on here said it best, "the shock is, we can't believe someone we love so much would do this to us."

That pretty much sums it all up.

 

You will go through endless waves of emotions while moving on without him in your life and that is very hard but I promise you'll get through it.

 

I had to remember that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Nothing lasts forever and I also kept the thought in my mind that, "If I can't handle this how in the world will be able to deal with much greater problems in life???"

 

However, we all know loving someone so much and then being abandoned by them is a different kind of pain...but is it really the worst???

 

Up until now...maybe it is the worst for you.

 

Forgive me, perhaps I'm going to deep with this.

 

Stay away from ALL things regarding your ex. Focus on yourself and do things that make you feel good. Staying busy is the best medicine there is.

Edited June 11, 2014 by me85

[Marco Valerio]

What betrayal? They broke up 5 months ago, OP might have clung on, but he ended it long ago. It hurts yes, but I don't see the betrayal.

 

Or another poster said not everyone knows how to love??? Because they don't love us? That's crazy. Our exes know how to love they just don't love us. It's unfortunate but that's how feelings go.

 

Hi Jbelle:

 

Everyone has the ability to love, but not everyone develops real love. They might think they love others, but as I have said, love is never selfish, love is not about our needs or happiness...Is about giving all you have for that other person without expectation of reward. Those who flirt with others having a love partner, who lie to you, who cheat on you, those type of people are self-centered, they are with you because in some point they need you, not because they love you. Once the need is satisfied is when they dump you.

"If you like someones because of his appearance is not love is attraction. If you like someone because they fill your void, is not love is neediness. If you like someone because of his intelligence, is not love is admiration. If you like someone without knowing why, that's love".

This has nothing to do with my last love experience. There´s no several ways of loving, there's only one, the same as there's only one truth.

[gj13]

I woke up with this horrible feeling that i should call him. I didn't but i can't shake the lump in my throat It's awful. Mornings are so much worse than the rest of the day, does anyone know why this happens?

[gj13]

I'm going out on a date tonight, not sure if it's the right thing I still miss him and would want him back even though i know it's not possible... I'm kinda confused.