whatintheworld Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) I'm very torn and would deeply appreciate some advice. A year ago my marriage ended due to an emotional affair my husband had with his ex. I know for this reason I'm sensitive to boundaries with exes; I absolutely do not want a repeat of the past. I've been dating my boyfriend for more than four months. He experienced a devastating breakup with his first live-in girlfriend (they were together about a year) less than two months before our first date. I asked him more than once if he was over her, and he assured me that he doesn't want to be with her anymore. He's a good, honest person and I have begun to trust him. Things between us have developed strongly. We have both said we love each other, have plans for the future, and have been talking about him moving in with me in a few months. He has told me that he feels more for me than he ever has with anyone and has called me the love of the life (although he had called her that as well). They had a falling out shortly after their break-up (she suddenly ended things with him and he was devastated) during an early attempt to become friends. She refuses to forgive him for whatever was said during that falling out, and in the months since he has repeatedly attempted to regain her friendship. She has basically ignored him. My fear is whether he is truly over her. He says he is by his own standards but that he isn't by what he believes are my standards. He does still think of her frequently and he still experiences pangs of sadness about their relationship/break-up. He talks about her quite frequently, has brought her up during intimate times (like when talking about sexual preferences or when I was talking about a deeply personal experience), and has even spoken comparatively about the two of us. ("You're both tall, artistic, etc") My main concern is that he has continued to attempt to regain her friendship, repeatedly, during our relationship. Even though she was the one who dumped him, and even though she is also the one who apparently wants nothing to do with him after a few insensitive comments he later made. Last night he told me both about his sadness and thinking of her when he sees things online he'd like to share with her, etc, and that he told her a few months ago he'd be contacting her in June and in December, each time to see if she is ready to be friends. This strikes me as an almost romantic thing to do, and not as a desire or action of someone who is over his ex. I've been understanding up to this point & have given him the benefit of the doubt. I talk about my ex with him too, though I'm definitely no longer in love with him. My ex and I share a child so he is a daily part of my life. I also have no problem with partners being friends with their exes, just as long as their friendship is natural and there aren't romantic feelings left on either side. I don't want to be paranoid. But I'm fearful of putting myself in a similar position to the one I was in during my marriage - proceeding with someone who had unresolved feelings for another woman, and eventually suffering because of that choice. He says he doesn't want to be with her, and I believe him. But should I have reason to be cautious anyway? Edited June 9, 2014 by whatintheworld
Damaged217 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Yikes. If he was truly over her, he wouldn't be experiencing "pangs of sadness" over their breakup. He would feel nothing for her. He would not talk about her unless you asked him a question specifically relating to her. I had an ex start bringing up his ex gf out of nowhere and he also seemed sad that things didn't work out. A little while later, I found a love note he had written to her on myspace. My gut was telling me something was wrong but I had ignored it. What does your gut tell you? Listen to it. It's my opinion given my experience and what you have told us that your boyfriend still has feelings for his ex. It's up to you whether you want to believe your boyfriend when he tells you he is over her. 1
marcjb Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Anyone that wants to keep their ex in their life does not understand that the past is the past. As long as anyone keeps their past around, they are not over it. There is no room for this kind of behavior in a new relationship if either of you plan on having things work out. Stop being Ms. understanding and let him know that you will no longer be tolerating his behavior as it is affecting your relationship.
Mondmellonw Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Not a good sign. Like they already told you, I suggest that you listen to your gut feeling.... Attachment isn't normal at all.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 He's not over her; he's not ready to let her go. That is very clear. Heck, he's still actively pursuing a friendship with her after she's told him she's not interested...more than once. What does he expect to gain from this friendship? Another chance? A soothed conscience? OP, I would take a step back and re-evaluate this. Talk to him very openly about this and let him know in no uncertain terms how this makes you feel. Then decide if you're willing to tolerate this behaviour. 2
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I think pangs of sadness is fine, I still feel that and I wouldnt get back with my ex so I wouldnt honestly worry about that bit he is just human but what gets me is the trying to regain a friendship whilst with you... thats not good x
BC1980 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Repeatedly attempting to gain her friendship is not okay in my book. What does he mean by friends? Does he want to hang out with her?
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 An ex is an ex. There are no ex's on my facebook, there are no ex's or people that I've even slept with that i talked to... and i doubt that I'm important enough to them for them to be in contact with me. She may have sentimental value to him in some way but once an ex is an ex there shouldn't be any reminding or rekindling not even a FRIENDSHIP. I don't like his manipulative slant on what he said " by my standards yes I'm over her by your standards no" what does that even mean? If you can have no attachment to an ex husband to whom you had a child with then, there is a standard. The standard is that you don't have anything to do with an ex unless you HAVE to and not because you CHOOSE to. And he is choosing to get in contact with her. Trust your gut and get out of this one. You deserve someone who has more of a clean slate and less baggage. 1
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