TheKat23 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) I don’t even know quite where to begin because this story is spread out over the entirety of our relationship which sadly isn’t long. My husband and I will be married a year in a month, we were together almost a year before we got married. Almost as in there was around a four month period we broke up. I am asking for advice here because the advice from friends and family all lean towards running and I really need a neutral perspective in case there is something I am not seeing and doing wrong. Our entire relationship has been a struggle because it’s basically been a confusing mass of lies on his part. Stuff like he was divorced from his ex-wife for almost a year when we met , but the catch was she was living with him and they were trying to work it out for the kids, and just recently his step sister let it slip that he was seeing this girl that passed away two months before me. I never knew of this girl and the time didn’t match because he was with his ex still so….what? And while we first started dating he was seeing his deceased ex’s sister and taking her out to dinner and I’m conflicted because that was in the past and I just found out so do I say something? I had no idea about both women and the step children let me know frequently that I am the reason their parents are not together anymore. Ok so our relationship was built on lies- pieces I find out from other people not him. He wouldn’t and won’t tell the truth and just gets angry at me and I get the silent treatment for weeks. When these silent treatments occur he typically leaves right after work and comes home when he knows I will be in bed. He doesn’t text me or call me to tell me where he is, he doesn’t contribute financially, and I find out how he feels basically on statuses on Facebook. Typically we make up by me apologizing and putting aside how I feel just to keep peace. The few times I have tried to get my point across its to have what I say twisted around and manipulated to something different then why the discussion even started. I don’t know who he is; I want to know I do. When he says things cruel to me he claims it’s “the other person” in him, the angry one and it’s my fault because I don’t leave him alone. But when I do leave him alone I don’t care enough to ask what’s wrong! WHAT?! Recently I became pregnant. It was something we had both wanted and tried for and we were so excited when it happened. A month in I miscarried and I was pretty much alone dealing with it. There was no comfort, no support, no talk of it and I needed to talk about it. Things plummeted downhill from there. We argue constantly. And a month ago I received a call from his ex saying while he’s been out he is seeing another girl. When I told him about the call he just left. No excuses, no denial, nothing just left. And then tried to give away my ticket to an event we planned on attending later that day. That fight led to three weeks of him sleeping on the couch and ignoring me completely unless he wanted to have sex and then it was right back to being cold again. And even then it didn’t end until I begged him to please stop this because it was hurting me. Now that that part is over though any little thing is set off into an argument. My opinions are based on my “hippiness” and I am unrealistic. He believes violence and beating people up solves everything. I feel insignificant, paranoid, lost. I don’t know what to do to make him happy. It’s like he needs to argue with me to fill a void. I told him he has too much anger inside and his response was that I need to go hug a tree. This is not the person I fell in love with. He was so kind to me, we did things together, and I knew he loved me by just how he looked at me. This is not how he used to act. Even the sex has changed. It’s angry and sometimes scary. I don’t know how to get in and I don’t know if he even wants me to anymore. I can forgive him for stuff that’s happened, but I want truths from him. Am I the fool here? Is there any fixing this borderline abusive relationship? Is there something I am not seeing? I am tired of disregarding my feelings to get along with him. Tired of being scared of what mood he will be in next and if it will become another fight. Edited June 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Eivuwan Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 This is already an abusive relationship. This is the REAL him, not the one you went out with. Please get out. The problems are so serious and chronic that this is not worth working on imo. 4
Zahara Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) I am asking for advice here because the advice from friends and family all lean towards running and I really need a neutral perspective in case there is something I am not seeing and doing wrong. I don't think you will hear any different here on LS. This is an abusive relationship and it is not going to change. Get out. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage and while you two are trying to create a family, this is not the right dynamic to bring a child into. And no, a child will not change who he is. If anything you will be exposing a child to an unhealthy, volatile and toxic environment. Save yourself and move away from this man. Get support from your family and friends to help you take that step. Aside, who you met then is not the same person now. People present their best side in the beginning. Now that the honeymoon is over and you both have settled into normalcy and commitment, he is comfortable in showing you who he is and behaving as he is. Forget that guy you knew then, he wasn't real. Edited June 9, 2014 by Zahara 3
oldshirt Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I am asking for advice here because the advice from friends and family all lean towards running and I really need a neutral perspective in case there is something I am not seeing . Seriously??? How many more people do you need to tell you that this is not a good man and this is not a healthy relationship before you see the light??? But yes, as a disinterested, 3rd party observer I think this relationship needs to die a peaceful death and I believe this man is definately NOT reasonable husband and father material. I believe this relationship is toxic and that you would be better off on your own without him even if you do not find someone else better.
carrie_o Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 No one deserves to be treated that way. Can you honestly picture yourself spending the rest of your life this way? I agree with the other posters: it is not worth staying.
Author TheKat23 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) Seriously??? How many more people do you need to tell you that this is not a good man and this is not a healthy relationship before you see the light???I asked for advice because friends and family would naturally take my side and say I am better off. I legitimately wondered if there was something I was missing. I did not want our marriage to fail. I feel as if there's some issue or something I was doing wrong I needed to know so i knew what needed fixed. He does say i never tell him what I am thinking and for the most part I don't- because I know it will turn into a fight. Example: Last night in the kitchen he told the kids (his and mine) that there has never been a problem in the world violence couldn;t fix. I said I disagreed and that violence is not the answer. I do not want my children hearing that. Well so he wanted to argue and I go outside. He follows and he is sitting at the table on the patio across from me. My daughter who is ten is outside too BTW and he has this look on his face. A smirk like hes so happy at this moment, legs bouncing, and wants to keep going with the conversation. I said we could just agree to disagree and that I do not want him telling my children punching someone in the face fixes things. My daughter spoke up then and said I was right and that even in wars violence didn;t stop problems peace treaty's did. I sent her inside I knew it was about to get ugly and it did. The next two hours? Well they just went by because he left and refused o talk to me. ISn't that so petty? It's like this volcano of anger just ready to erupt. So I think to myself did something happen he is not telling me about that caused this change? Or is this like you said who he really is and how do I accept that? My daughter (who is 18) says its the fighter in him. he won the match by winning me and I am now the boring prize. But I am not playing games to keep him thats ridiculous. Thank you all for your advice I appreciate it Edited June 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Zahara Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Well they just went by because he left and refused o talk to me. ISn't that so petty? Your husband exhibits traits of narcissism and passive aggresive behavior. Read up on those two personality types. It isn't about pettiness but just that this is how he is wired. It's like this volcano of anger just ready to erupt. So I think to myself did something happen he is not telling me about that caused this change? It's not you. This is who he is and has always been. Nothing has changed. Or is this like you said who he really is and how do I accept that? You don't accept abuse. Remove yourself and your children from this man. The fact that he openly teaches them physical violence is a proper form of resolving conflict is enough to tell you that he isn't a fit parent or husband.
stillafool Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Either separate and seek divorce now or the abuse will get worse later. I'm sorry you had a miscarriage but imagine if you had a child with this man you would never get rid of him. He is abusive and sooner or later fists will fly. Do you and your kids a favor and leave him.
mrs rubble Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I asked for advice because friends and family would naturally take my side and say I am better off. I legitimately wondered if there was something I was missing. I did not want our marriage to fail. I feel as if there's some issue or something I was doing wrong I needed to know so i knew what needed fixed. He does say i never tell him what I am thinking and for the most part I don't- because I know it will turn into a fight. Example: Last night in the kitchen he told the kids (his and mine) that there has never been a problem in the world violence couldn;t fix. I said I disagreed and that violence is not the answer. I do not want my children hearing that. Well so he wanted to argue and I go outside. He follows and he is sitting at the table on the patio across from me. My daughter who is ten is outside too BTW and he has this look on his face. A smirk like hes so happy at this moment, legs bouncing, and wants to keep going with the conversation. I said we could just agree to disagree and that I do not want him telling my children punching someone in the face fixes things. My daughter spoke up then and said I was right and that even in wars violence didn;t stop problems peace treaty's did. I sent her inside I knew it was about to get ugly and it did. The next two hours? Well they just went by because he left and refused o talk to me. ISn't that so petty? It's like this volcano of anger just ready to erupt. So I think to myself did something happen he is not telling me about that caused this change? Or is this like you said who he really is and how do I accept that? My daughter (who is 18) says its the fighter in him. he won the match by winning me and I am now the boring prize. But I am not playing games to keep him thats ridiculous. Thank you all for your advice I appreciate it I left my abusive violent husband as soon as I realised my children were being affected by his ways, I urge you to leave ASAP. Its incredibly hard to undo the damage done to innocent children exposed to such a toxic situation. 1
oldshirt Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Example: Last night in the kitchen he told the kids (his and mine) that there has never been a problem in the world violence couldn;t fix. Most garden variety abusers have poor impulse control, conflict resolution skills and coping mechanisms. This guy has an actual ideology and belief system that supports violence, intimidation and bullying. This is his base character, it can't be fixed or negotiated or reasoned with. Intentionally exerting pain and intimidation on people to get your way is not an accident or a loss of control, it is evil. He is a bad person. That is how he is. It has nothing to do with your behavior or any of the dynamics of your marriage. He mistreated all the women that came before you and he will mistreat all the ones that will come after you. You know that he is bad and abusive. If you stay with him, When the day comes he hurts the kids, you will be held accountable too and will go to jail with him and the kids will be placed in foster care and you will lose your parental rights as well for exposing them to him.
rester Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I agree with the others. Leave ASAP. It doesn't sound like he has the ability to discuss issues in a reasonable way. You shouldn't have to live in fear of speaking your mind and stating your opinion. He doesn't respect you.
Author TheKat23 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 He totally switched again and yesterday told me he was sorry for damaging our relationship so badly. He loves me soooo much and blah... I blew up I told him he had no right to do this. he can;t put on all of his different faces and expect me to just roll with it. I am not a dog to be kicked everytime he wants to be someone new. I have come back to this thread multiple times for strength and I want to thank all of you that replied. Your time was not in vain and I know what I have to do. I will be staying with a friend for a while until I can get a new place. I can't take the constant changes it makes me feel like I am the crazy one... 4
giotto Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I would never be in a relationship with someone who advocates violence as a solution to everything. That's sick. Please leave this man before you get hurt.
mrs rubble Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 He totally switched again and yesterday told me he was sorry for damaging our relationship so badly. He loves me soooo much and blah... I blew up I told him he had no right to do this. he can;t put on all of his different faces and expect me to just roll with it. I am not a dog to be kicked everytime he wants to be someone new. I have come back to this thread multiple times for strength and I want to thank all of you that replied. Your time was not in vain and I know what I have to do. I will be staying with a friend for a while until I can get a new place. I can't take the constant changes it makes me feel like I am the crazy one... Good luck in moving forward, you're doing the right thing. The rewards will come in time. 1
Poppygoodwill Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 He totally switched again and yesterday told me he was sorry for damaging our relationship so badly. He loves me soooo much and blah... I blew up I told him he had no right to do this. he can;t put on all of his different faces and expect me to just roll with it. I am not a dog to be kicked everytime he wants to be someone new. I have come back to this thread multiple times for strength and I want to thank all of you that replied. Your time was not in vain and I know what I have to do. I will be staying with a friend for a while until I can get a new place. I can't take the constant changes it makes me feel like I am the crazy one... This is the thing that abusers do - they make you wrong all the time. They manipulate the situation to make you question your common sense. They make you doubt your own mind, and in that way, gain control of your thinking. They punish you with silence, or conflict, or insults, if you disagree with them, or call them on their bad behaviour. He's classic I'm afraid. The other thing they do is bait and switch you, like playing Good Cop, Bad Cop with themselves. For a while he's Bad Cop - difficult, insulting, tempestuous, selfish - then suddenly he becomes Good Cop and sucks up to you, saying all the right things. Have you ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder? They walk among us, and you might have one on your hands. No matter what, I am heartened to hear you say you're fed up. I'm sure it's not the first time, but I fear that you will get drawn in again by Good Cop. Remember: he is just passing through. You actually life with Bad Cop. Please seek a shelter and professional support for you and your children. It's so difficult to break the hold that an abuser has over us, so clever are they in the web they weave around us. A counseller who specializes in this area will help you keep one step ahead of him, and regain your confidence in your own thinking.
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