mytiger22 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 My boyfriend (age 31) and I (age 29) have been dating for a year and 9 months (will be 2 years in Sept). He still to this day has never told me he loves me. To give some background on him, he has seen his parents go through multiple different marriages, he himself has been engaged twice and has been in several serious relationships. His longest relationship I believe was around 3 years or a little more. One girl that he dated had a young baby, that he grew completely attached to. Would wake up in the middle of the night to feed and change his diaper etc etc. Says he stuck out the crappy relationship with her as long as he did b/c of the baby, but when they finally broke up she refused to let him be apart of the kid's life and hasn't seen him since. (This is the only time I have seen him cry is when he talks about the boy). He's been cheated on once, and the girl he was dating right before me was in the process of moving in with him when he found out she was married to a soldier fighting overseas, so he obviously broke it off with her and threw her out. We met up a few months after that and then started seeing more and more of each other as the months went by. So needless to say, I know he has issues with relationships. Issues with commitment etc. But I'm also starting to think that while I am trying to be understanding of his past, I'm also being ignorant of my wants and needs. I don't want to constantly be reminding myself that he has these issues as an excuse for him. I know for a fact that I want marriage and kids in my future. He tells me that he doesn't know if he wants any of that. As far as right now he says he doesn't... but then tells me that things could change a year from now or 3 years from now. He doesn't know. Says he cant give me the definite answers that I am looking for. And I know that, I'm not looking for a solidity. I just need to know that he sees some sort of future with us. I feel like we have been at a standstill for awhile now, especially if he doesn't know if he loves me yet after almost 2 years. His actions tells me he does. Even though we do not live together, we are with each other every single night (whether its my place or his), we do activities together on a daily basis. When he isn't working, he is with me. He takes me out and pays for our activities. Surprises me with gifts now and then etc etc. Should I be making such a big deal out of the fact that he hasn't told me he loves me. And I've asked him straight out this past weekend "Are you even in love with me?" His response was "I don't know"
PegNosePete Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 If he doesn't know after a year and 9 months I would seriously be considering whether he's ever going to. Are you happy to continue this situation indefinitely?
Author mytiger22 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 He makes me happy. I love him to death. I see a future with us and can imagine growing old with him and being happy. I don't know if he IS in love with me, but just can say it or admit it to himself or what. I feel like because I have made a big deal about the whole I want marriage and kids in my future, that maybe he feels like if he says "I love you" that he will subconsciously be telling me he wants the same. I don't know. He doesn't have the answers for me, and I don't know what the hell to do.
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Oh dear, you cannot build a life on 'maybes'. Marriage and parenthood will be one of the biggest challenge of your life so if he goes in it with half-heart it's not going to work. Yes he had many heartbreaks in the past but putting his heart in a sealed off containers is not a way to live. If he doesn't know if he's in love than he is not. Being in love is clear, we know it, we cannot ignore it. I think he loves you as a person, he respects you, has affection for you, you are also very safe to him because if he is not in love with you then you don't risk ripping his heart apart if you leave. You are at a crossroad, what you decide will shape the rest of your life. After 2 years young couple like you should be living together, you are not even there yet with him. There is another poster who posted yesterday or the day before, she has been waiting 4 years now and still nothing so she broke it up. Are you ready to wait another 2 years then find nothing again. 2
mammasita Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 After almost 2 years its safe to say that he should know whether he is in love with you. My ex gave me the same lines after TWO YEARS "I don't know what the future holds" "I can't promise anything"......unfortunately, all that meant was that he wasn't in love with me even though, just like your BF, he did everything a boyfriend/fiance should do. I agree with Gaeta: Your BF loves you as a person, he respects you, he wants to see you happy.....but he isn't in love with you. I've been there, it sucks. 3
Author mytiger22 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 So what is it that I do at this point. Until he knows for sure that he is in love with me, only then will answers of the possibility of marriage and kids will come. I don't want to give ultimatums, but I'm also not ready to give up completely on him. I know how deeply this man can love, I know for a fact it is there. I don't want to keep rehashing the conversation, but I don't want to completely ignore it either.
ja123 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Maybe you should take a mini-break from him and go NC. Perhaps, he'll realize that he is in love with you and can't live without you.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 And I've asked him straight out this past weekend "Are you even in love with me?" His response was "I don't know" That means no. When a guy's in love with you, it's obvious to him, you, and the whole world. It doesn't matter why he isn't in love with you - all that matters is that he is not. If he's not in love with you after 2 years, he never will be. "Not giving up on him" means accepting that he's not in love with you and living with that. Personally, I don't see the point. I left my last boyfriend (twice) because he was not in love with me and I just couldn't ever feel happy and secure with that. He was serious, committed, solid, loving in some ways, wanted to get married, and from a practical standpoint I could have had a comfortable life with him. But without the romance, adoration, and admiration of love, I saw a discontented future ahead if I stuck with him. I'm too romantic and sensitive to go without that sweetness. 5
mammasita Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 So what is it that I do at this point. Until he knows for sure that he is in love with me, only then will answers of the possibility of marriage and kids will come. I don't want to give ultimatums, but I'm also not ready to give up completely on him. I know how deeply this man can love, I know for a fact it is there. I don't want to keep rehashing the conversation, but I don't want to completely ignore it either. I know this is much easier said than done, but I think your only option is to walk away and let him feel your loss. He's either going to realize he loves you or say "eh, that was a relief" Nothing you can do will make him know for sure that he loves you, it's been two years. He should know by now.
Author mytiger22 Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 My heart tells me to hang on, which obviously is always what the heart tells you to do. I don't want to ignore the fact that he has taken strides to open himself up to me as the months pass by. He has told me things that no one knows about him. He has embraced our relationship more publicly than he has any other relationship that he has been in. He deals with a lot of my ****, and believe me, I know I can be difficult lol. He has celebrated Valentines day with me both years, which he has never done in the past. Celebrates Anniversaries with me, and holidays. He spends every single day with me. He gives up hanging out with his friends, or going to certain events to be with me. Its like he is showing me that he is taking steps, but just isn't ready to run or jump head first just yet. I don't know. Also, ever since our conversation the other night, I have obviously not been in the cheeriest of moods around him. His behavior is completely different from what it is on a normal everyday basis. He is normally caring and attentive, but the past few days he has been EXTRA lovey dovey, giving me hugs and kisses whenever possible. Making an extra effort to make me smile. Asking me what I want for dinner, and that we can have anything I want, and then asking again once a decision has been made, are you sure? He noticed my windshield on my car is cracked, and told me "Well your inspection isn't up until November, don't worry babe, i'll buy you a new one". He is trying to take care of me as much as possible and make life easier on me (which like I said he normally does, but its just extra attention now)
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Him saying I don't know is a problem. With 2 prior engagements under his belt, he has to know what the emotion of love feels like. After almost 2 years in his 30s he should have some sense of what he feels & doesn't feel. Can you keep talking? You need more info to make a decision for yourself. Is his scared? Or is he just stringing you along because you are good enough for right now?
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