stevesheels Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I am a 42 year-old male who has been in a very long-standing open-relationship with a woman who I consider to be my best friend but there is no future for us because she is younger than I am and wants to have children someday and I am certain that I don't want any kids. The reason I have stayed in this relationship is because it is low maintainance and because it is more like a strong friendship more than anything else (we very rarely sleep together but it has happened so it's not strictly platonic). Both of us know that our time together will come to an end at some point - most likely when one of us meets someone else. I haven't been actively looking for another woman in a long, long time but just the other day I met a woman who I had a strong physical attraction to and was somehow able to get her phone number. One thing that appealed to me about this woman is that she looks older than me and beyond the age of being able to have kids. The only thing is that I don't know what to do next - now that I have her phone number. Here's the background: I saw this woman just before she got into her car at a gas station and since I couldn't think of anything to say, I just approached her and said "Hi, I'd like to know if I can treat you to a coffee sometime". She first said "no" and then before I said "good-bye", I asked her if I could give her my number and she said "sure". Then she called me immediately so I could have her number. Here are my questions: 1) I am a bit confused by the mixed signals (first saying "no" to meeting for coffee but yes to the phone number). I guess it's possible she just gave me her number to be "polite" but she also could have refused so I'm thinking she might have at least a little bit of interest. Should the first step be to ask her to explain the mixed signals? 2) I didn't have a chance to get to know anything about her and she doesn't know anything about me so should I just call or text her and ask her for a date right away or should I be texting her first asking questions about her and volunteering information about myself? How many texts or calls should we have before I ask for a date? 3) Should I mention my gf (who I am in the open relationship with) right in the first text or call? Or should I give her this information in the first date or whenever she asks for it? Part of me thinks I should disclose this right in the beginning but the other part of me thinks it might come off as a bit "presumptuous" so maybe I should wait. 4) My intentions are to have an open relationship with this woman at least initially until I see there is potential before breaking it off with my current relationship. And of course, I have a desire to sleep with this woman since I am attracted to her in that way. But I don't know when (or if) I should state these intentions. I just don't want her to think I'm only interested in a platonic friendship. Thanks for your help!
Gaeta Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Here are my questions: 1) I am a bit confused by the mixed signals (first saying "no" to meeting for coffee but yes to the phone number). I guess it's possible she just gave me her number to be "polite" but she also could have refused so I'm thinking she might have at least a little bit of interest. Should the first step be to ask her to explain the mixed signals? 2) I didn't have a chance to get to know anything about her and she doesn't know anything about me so should I just call or text her and ask her for a date right away or should I be texting her first asking questions about her and volunteering information about myself? How many texts or calls should we have before I ask for a date? 3) Should I mention my gf (who I am in the open relationship with) right in the first text or call? Or should I give her this information in the first date or whenever she asks for it? Part of me thinks I should disclose this right in the beginning but the other part of me thinks it might come off as a bit "presumptuous" so maybe I should wait. 4) My intentions are to have an open relationship with this woman at least initially until I see there is potential before breaking it off with my current relationship. And of course, I have a desire to sleep with this woman since I am attracted to her in that way. But I don't know when (or if) I should state these intentions. I just don't want her to think I'm only interested in a platonic friendship. Thanks for your help! 1) No, do not ask about the mixed signals. She just did not want to go to a coffee with a pure stranger just like that in the middle of the day. She wants to get to exchange with you first and that is why she gave you her number. You get in touch with her and talk, get a feel of who she is, let her get a feel of what type of man you are. 2) Call her, have a conversation, at the end of the conversation ask her if she would like to meet over a coffee. 3) Depends what are your rules with your girlfriend. If you have an open relationship with her I imagine you have talked about these things already right? if not, I would tell her after the coffee date, this new woman may not even show up at the coffee shop. 4) You should always state your intentions. You don't start dating a woman without telling her you are seeking open relationships with women. I have to say though that your little trick about seeing if things can develop with this new woman before dumping your current girlfriend is low and weak. Can't you stand on your own without a girlfriend for a couple of weeks.
Baller25 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I just approached her and said "Hi, I'd like to know if I can treat you to a coffee sometime". She first said "no". What were you expecting, that she just hands out her number without any conversation at all? You should have said something, even a compliment, before asking for her digits. Because of the way you did it she was probably nervous (in a bad way), wasn't able to give you any signals if she is interested and have lowered your chances of a first date or her even answering your call. You seem very over-confident over something that might be nothing, like a car salesman getting excited over a someone that merely called for a quote enquiry. 4) My intentions are to have an open relationship with this woman at least initially until I see there is potential before breaking it off with my current relationship. And of course, I have a desire to sleep with this woman since I am attracted to her in that way. But I don't know when (or if) I should state these intentions. I just don't want her to think I'm only interested in a platonic friendship. Just don't sleep with the current woman if you start dating anyone new and mention both that you are meeting up with others; you don't have to mention anything else. It's clear that you don't want to let go of the current situation because you think that you can't get another girl and it is this exact attitude that will make you come off as desperate and awkward. Also, if you bet too much on this encounter then you will feel very let down if it doesn't go the way you intended. Treat it as just a number, nothing more.
Assasda Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 1) I am a bit confused by the mixed signals (first saying "no" to meeting for coffee but yes to the phone number). I guess it's possible she just gave me her number to be "polite" but she also could have refused so I'm thinking she might have at least a little bit of interest. Should the first step be to ask her to explain the mixed signals? Why allow yourself to be conffused, just accept it. I see no confusion here 2) I didn't have a chance to get to know anything about her and she doesn't know anything about me so should I just call or text her and ask her for a date right away or should I be texting her first asking questions about her and volunteering information about myself? How many texts or calls should we have before I ask for a date? Call her and ask her out to some place 3) Should I mention my gf (who I am in the open relationship with) right in the first text or call? Or should I give her this information in the first date or whenever she asks for it? Part of me thinks I should disclose this right in the beginning but the other part of me thinks it might come off as a bit "presumptuous" so maybe I should wait. Mention your GF when you guys are out together, hopefully she's into it 4) My intentions are to have an open relationship with this woman at least initially until I see there is potential before breaking it off with my current relationship. And of course, I have a desire to sleep with this woman since I am attracted to her in that way. But I don't know when (or if) I should state these intentions. I just don't want her to think I'm only interested in a platonic friendship. hahahaha you certainly dont need to mention your intention to sleep with her. But mention that you want an open relationship with her as well down the line Thanks for your help! I dont know why you feel the need to not break it off with your current GF before. Before reading your questions, I though you wanted a polyamorous relationship, after learning that you want to break it off with your GF you just seem super insecure. Work on your insecurities first
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