greenfairie Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I saw my ex again.... We were both at a funeral service, weird place to be after not seeing or talking for a good year. We didn't speak. I felt afraid. My heart was pounding so much and my face felt hot. I was literally shaking too. After the service, I calmed down though. It's not like I wanted to get back together too. There's a lot of unresolved feelings. We had plenty of chances to speak but we didn't just go up to each other. I found that unusual for us because this is the FIRST time while being in a setting with other people that we did not acknowledge each other at all. Like do you guys know why we didn't say hi or is just this a normal thing for exes...?
Author greenfairie Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 Weird and unexpected. Did anyone have a similar situation where this happened to you too..?
Ordinaryday Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I saw my ex again.... We were both at a funeral service, weird place to be after not seeing or talking for a good year. We didn't speak. I felt afraid. My heart was pounding so much and my face felt hot. I was literally shaking too. After the service, I calmed down though. It's not like I wanted to get back together too. There's a lot of unresolved feelings. We had plenty of chances to speak but we didn't just go up to each other. I found that unusual for us because this is the FIRST time while being in a setting with other people that we did not acknowledge each other at all. Like do you guys know why we didn't say hi or is just this a normal thing for exes...? I have occasionally bumped into dumpers and I have made every effort to go out of my way to avoid them, if they outright call out to me I will say to their face "don't speak to me". why on earth would I want to make even one minute of small talk with someone who gave up on me and effectively said that I was not good enough to be their partner?? I don't want to hear how they are going, hear about their new job or boyfriend or how well they are, and I am certainly not going to waste even a minute of their time making small talk with them. consider yourself lucky. 9
Author greenfairie Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 I have occasionally bumped into dumpers and I have made every effort to go out of my way to avoid them, if they outright call out to me I will say to their face "don't speak to me". why on earth would I want to make even one minute of small talk with someone who gave up on me and effectively said that I was not good enough to be their partner?? I don't want to hear how they are going, hear about their new job or boyfriend or how well they are, and I am certainly not going to waste even a minute of their time making small talk with them. consider yourself lucky. True. I guess I never really looked at it like that way. I've had thoughts of why would I want to hear about how good they're doing but I'd hate to appear bitter to him. I don't want him to think that I'm purposely shunning him or anything for that reason.
Author greenfairie Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 What is the first thought that comes to mind when you see an ex? Any feelings?
flight E Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 It really doesn't matter what he thinks. When you ready and you cross paths. If he comes up to you. Then you can talk to him so he sees how well you are doing too
Sugarkane Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Doesn't sound that unusual. How did you break up? People don't like confrontation, especially if they betrayed you.
witmadskilllz Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 avoid exes at all cost, if they truly wanted to be with you or reconcile, they would have contacted you ages ago.
Ordinaryday Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I'd hate to appear bitter to him. I don't want him to think that I'm purposely shunning him or anything for that reason. WHO CARES what he thinks??? his opinion and anything he thought became irrelevant the moment he dumped you. 1
writergal Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) I would say it depends on the severity of the breakup, where "to avoid or not avoid talking to an ex" is concerned. I think there are exceptions to the rule when it comes to what to do when you randomly bump into an ex. If the breakup was awful or there are still unresolved feelings, then "no contact" is the best route to take. I mean, why torture yourself? But, if the breakup was mutual, or if enough time has passed and you're over the relationship, and you could care less/are totally indifferent/not effected by the other person when you bump into him/her, then I don't see the big deal with brief superficial chatter. Why does everything where dating/breakups are concerned have to be so black and white? Life isn't that cut and dry. I think you have to go with your gut when you're in the moment. What are the odds that you'd run into an ex anyway? Very unlikely unless you work with your ex, or have mutual friends or some social connection that keeps you in their line of sight every now and then. In those types of situations, then I think you need to have a plan because otherwise its just awkward for everyone. OP, since you say you have unresolved feelings for your ex, then it wouldn't have been a good idea for you to engage in a brief convo with him at that funeral. And why do you care what your ex thinks of you at this point? Because you still have feelings for him? Why would you care if he thought you were shunning him? I mean, you were at a funeral for someone you both knew apparently, not a bar. He wasn't there to meetup with you. If he'd thought about you at all in the past year since your break-up, you'd have heard from him already. Just let it go. Don't analyze it. He's your ex-boyfriend for a reason. Any unresolved feelings you have are your own responsibility to get rid of. Not his. Leave him alone. Edited June 1, 2014 by writergal
Ordinaryday Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 But, if the breakup was mutual, or if enough time has passed and you're over the relationship, and you could care less/are totally indifferent/not effected by the other person when you bump into him/her, then I don't see the big deal with brief superficial chatter. because YOU NEVER EVER know where the other person is 'at', you only know where your only progression of healing is at. this is the mistake dumpers often make - they assume that since THEY are over it and have moved on then the dumpee must have as well - it is a terrible one-sided selfish assumption to make! it is like what someone once wrote here, regarding why dumpers often say 'let's just be friends' and can't imagine why the dumpee wouldn't be keen on this idea - the person who says 'let's just be friends' is ALWAYS the person less invested in the relationship, so being 'just friends' is easy for them.
Ordinaryday Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 What is the first thought that comes to mind when you see an ex? Any feelings? "God, I hope she doesn't see me". then if she does see me it is "God, I hope she doesn't say anything to me" and if she does say something to me it is "what is the rudest, shortest response I can give her that will make her leave immediately" 2
writergal Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 While I may agree with you about neither person knowing where the other is at, I don't agree that exes need to always be avoided at all costs. Of course the dumpee doesn't want to be dumped and may have a longer road of recovery ahead than the dumper. That's common sense. I'm just speaking from my own experience when I've run into exes (either that ended badly or enough time had passed). I haven't run into that many but just a few over the years. Some I've avoided talking to, and some I talked to because it didn't bother me. To each his/her own. because YOU NEVER EVER know where the other person is 'at', you only know where your only progression of healing is at. this is the mistake dumpers often make - they assume that since THEY are over it and have moved on then the dumpee must have as well - it is a terrible one-sided selfish assumption to make! it is like what someone once wrote here, regarding why dumpers often say 'let's just be friends' and can't imagine why the dumpee wouldn't be keen on this idea - the person who says 'let's just be friends' is ALWAYS the person less invested in the relationship, so being 'just friends' is easy for them.
Ordinaryday Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 While I may agree with you about neither person knowing where the other is at, I don't agree that exes need to always be avoided at all costs. Of course the dumpee doesn't want to be dumped and may have a longer road of recovery ahead than the dumper. That's common sense. I'm just speaking from my own experience when I've run into exes (either that ended badly or enough time had passed). I haven't run into that many but just a few over the years. Some I've avoided talking to, and some I talked to because it didn't bother me. To each his/her own. If you are the DUMPEE and you are TRULY 100% over them and have no ulterior motive then it is okay to chat to the ex briefly. if you are the DUMPER it is NEVER EVER EVER EVER okay to text or contact the dumpee EXCEPT if it is about reconciling.
writergal Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Again I'll have to disagree with you. If you have a child with someone and you end the relationship (or they end it), you still HAVE to stay in touch with that person for the child's sake. Unless they are crazy and abusive or something that puts the child's life at risk. Otherwise your hard and fast rule means that no divorced parents should ever see each other if there are children involved and that's just unreasonable. Again, it really has to do with how you feel about your ex, regardless of your role (dumper or dumpee). I think it's ridiculous to walk around this life with such black and white rules for relationships. I think if you use common sense and know yourself well enough then when you are confronted with an ex, you'll know how to handle it. If you are the DUMPEE and you are TRULY 100% over them and have no ulterior motive then it is okay to chat to the ex briefly. if you are the DUMPER it is NEVER EVER EVER EVER okay to text or contact the dumpee EXCEPT if it is about reconciling.
Ordinaryday Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Again I'll have to disagree with you. If you have a child with someone and you end the relationship (or they end it), then you HAVE to stay in touch with that person for the child's sake. Again, it really has to do with how you feel about your ex, regardless of your role (dumper or dumpee). I think it's ridiculous to walk around this life with such black and white rules for relationships. I think if you use common sense and know yourself well enough then when you are confronted with an ex, you'll know how to handle it. yeah that is IF you have a child and if you have a child, as people advise here, all contact should be about child related matters and personal topics should be offlimits. I had one dumper contact me earlier this year with a breadcrumb to see 'How I was', and I was so rude to her in my response - I told her it was incredible inappropriate to barge back into my life after two years and that she should never do it again. if you dump them you are effectively saying you don't want them in your life (please dont give them the 'lets just be friends' line!) so be nice enough to them to leave them alone to heal!
writergal Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Okay well that is your experience with one ex. Clearly you are still hurt from that breakup based on your response to her breadcrumb. That whole "let's be friends" line that dumpers use is the standard cliche line that dumpers use. It is not a line that should ever be taken literally by the dumpee. Some people just can't be honest when they break up, due to their own fear. Kind of reminds me of the way the character Chandler from the Friends tv show broke up with Rachel's boss, Joanna after he led her on. yeah that is IF you have a child and if you have a child, as people advise here, all contact should be about child related matters and personal topics should be offlimits. I had one dumper contact me earlier this year with a breadcrumb to see 'How I was', and I was so rude to her in my response - I told her it was incredible inappropriate to barge back into my life after two years and that she should never do it again. if you dump them you are effectively saying you don't want them in your life (please dont give them the 'lets just be friends' line!) so be nice enough to them to leave them alone to heal!
Ordinaryday Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Okay well that is your experience with one ex. Clearly you are still hurt from that breakup based on your response to her breadcrumb. That whole "let's be friends" line that dumpers use is the standard cliche line that dumpers use. It is not a line that should ever be taken literally by the dumpee. Some people just can't be honest when they break up, due to their own fear. Kind of reminds me of the way the character Chandler from the Friends tv show broke up with Rachel's boss, Joanna after he led her on. and it is a line that makes us disrespect the dumper even more because they didn't even have the courage to give us the real reasons for the breakup or say how they really felt?? do they honestly believe the dumpee will say "oh well it sucks that you are breaking up with me but it is great that you want to stay my friend, awesome!". why not just say to the dumpee "sorry, I am just not feeling it. Good luck with the future, I wish you well" - how is that any more difficult to say than the 'let's just be friends" cliche??
writergal Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 There is nothing that a dumper can say that will ever ease the dumpee's pain. Otherwise it wouldn't be called a "break-up." and it is a line that makes us disrespect the dumper even more because they didn't even have the courage to give us the real reasons for the breakup or say how they really felt?? do they honestly believe the dumpee will say "oh well it sucks that you are breaking up with me but it is great that you want to stay my friend, awesome!". why not just say to the dumpee "sorry, I am just not feeling it. Good luck with the future, I wish you well" - how is that any more difficult to say than the 'let's just be friends" cliche??
Ordinaryday Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 There is nothing that a dumper can say that will ever ease the dumpee's pain. Otherwise it wouldn't be called a "break-up." yes but there are lots of things they can do to make the pain worse, and giving me a cliched line that everyone knows is a lie makes me feel a lot worse than just being given the truth
counterman Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 The way my relationships have ended, being the dumpee on both occasions, I wouldn't want to know what is going on in my exes life. I do hear things from time to time regarding my first ex from mutual friends and, honestly, it didn't phase me. I couldn't care less. I wasn't upset. Enough time had passed. Still, I wouldn't go out of my way just to have small talk. The emotions may not be present anymore but I still remember what happened. I will always remember. With my most recent ex, because the break-up is still raw, I'm avoiding any contact at all cost. I don't want to know who she's been seeing, who she's talking to, what's going on at all. If I saw her, I would avoid her at all cost and if I can't avoid her, I would just walk past and not make eye contact. Any sort of information would just hurt me. Not knowing is better.
writergal Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Then you need to lower your expectations. No dumper is ever going to spare your feelings when they break up with you, because they are breaking up with you. yes but there are lots of things they can do to make the pain worse, and giving me a cliched line that everyone knows is a lie makes me feel a lot worse than just being given the truth
Ordinaryday Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 The way my relationships have ended, being the dumpee on both occasions, I wouldn't want to know what is going on in my exes life. I do hear things from time to time regarding my first ex from mutual friends and, honestly, it didn't phase me. I couldn't care less. I wasn't upset. Enough time had passed. Still, I wouldn't go out of my way just to have small talk. The emotions may not be present anymore but I still remember what happened. I will always remember. With my most recent ex, because the break-up is still raw, I'm avoiding any contact at all cost. I don't want to know who she's been seeing, who she's talking to, what's going on at all. If I saw her, I would avoid her at all cost and if I can't avoid her, I would just walk past and not make eye contact. Any sort of information would just hurt me. Not knowing is better. even though I have had 100% NC with my ex since the break up a few months ago I coincidentally saw her in the city on the other side of the street, walking hand in hand with some guy, who I assume is her new boyfriend. I thought I was over her, but seeing this ABSOLUTELY BROKE MY HEART, just knowing she is doing all the stuff she used to do with me, now doing it with some other guy, it KILLED ME. I could never be friends, or even friendly, with her. to her credit she has NEVER reached out with a breadcrumb but if she ever did... it would not be pretty.
Ordinaryday Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Then you need to lower your expectations. No dumper is ever going to spare your feelings when they break up with you, because they are breaking up with you. Have you ever been dumped? I am sorry, but the way you write, you don't write like someone who has been dumped much because if you had you would know dumpers FREQUENTLY try to 'spare' the feelings of the dumpee, by giving them a bunch of cliches which 'sound nice': things like: "it is NOTHING personal against you, I am just not ready for a relationship right now" "you are an absolutely amazing, wonderful guy and I have no doubt that one day you will make a girl SO HAPPY! And I will be right there cheering you along" "I will always treasure the time we spend together and nothing can ever take it away. you will always hold a special place in my heart" "you are such a great guy! keep your chin up! some lucky girl is going to be so lucky to get you one day!" and so on... I am sorry, nothing personal, but the way you write you dont seem to have much experience with being dumped 1
counterman Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 even though I have had 100% NC with my ex since the break up a few months ago I coincidentally saw her in the city on the other side of the street, walking hand in hand with some guy, who I assume is her new boyfriend. I thought I was over her, but seeing this ABSOLUTELY BROKE MY HEART, just knowing she is doing all the stuff she used to do with me, now doing it with some other guy, it KILLED ME. I could never be friends, or even friendly, with her. to her credit she has NEVER reached out with a breadcrumb but if she ever did... it would not be pretty. I am in agreement. I couldn't be friends or friendly with my ex. And both my break-ups have been messy. One of my exes dated (and is still dating) a friend after we broke-up. That burned me and if I saw them, it would burn me as well. With my most recent ex, she's in contact with an ex at the moment and one of her "guy friends" who I never really liked. I really don't want to know what's going on in her life at all. If she sends me a breadcrumb, it won't be pretty as well. 1
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