This is how I feel about my failing relationship with the girl I'm madly in love with

[kenji255]

WARNING: HEAVY SARCASM AHEAD

NOTE: Doesn't make it any less true... I am heartbroken over this relationship...

 

Love is torture. Love can also be pure bliss. There are two polar opposite faces of love and not a day goes by where I don’t find myself wondering one of two things:

 

1. Why the hell do I still put myself through this? I can’t take the stress. Let me tell you a story: I was in the ER a week ago due to a particularly horrific (“horrific” is putting it mildly…) episode of “heart burn”. After a blood test, a bevy of questions about my medical history, lifestyle, and how high of a priority I think I should be to them based on how much pain I was in, finally followed by a dizzying dose of morphine, the doctor told me I most likely have stomach ulcers. He continued by informing me that they are most likely do to a combination of ibuprofen and stress. “Stress?” I asked. “But what do I have to stress about?” I thought about it for a minute... "I’m a pretty easy-goin’ guy!” I rebutted. "I got things pretty good! I have a roof over my head, food on my table, a job that I enjoy (…as well as a job that I enjoy… quite a bit less), supportive friends and family, a loving girlfriend wh…"—OH WAIT. THAT’S RIGHT. I have a "girlfriend" that I can never get a hold of, and who, when we are together, acts like I’m her annoying little brother who her parents told her to take out with her, talking about things that she doesn’t care about, but WOULD care about, if anyone besides her annoying little brother was talking them. However, sometimes I wonder something else, and that is...

 

2. How did I end up dating someone who is as intelligent, gorgeous, witty, health-conscious, sexy, confident, flirtatious, independent, negligent, condescending, detached, unsympathetic, ungrateful, narcissistic, and thoughtless as the person I’m dating?

 

But these are perfectly normal questions, right? We’re all in one boat or the other? Or at least somewhere in the middle? Who doesn’t wake up in the morning and do a simple, quick assessment of their love life in this manner? I’m sure Johnny and Jackie Kennedy woke up each morning, gazed into each other’s eyes and asked themselves the very same questions!

 

Ponder the following: What are we to expect out of a relationship? What more is a lover meant to be than an attractive person who you hang out with occasionally so that you can get a few hits to your self-esteem? Good questions, right? Tough, but allow me to enlighten you: Your significant other should be someone that you have around so that you can practice cooking for guests, massaging feet, or lovingly compliment without expecting any such boosts of self-worth in return. Your significant other should be there to give you that warm, kushy feeling that you get when you do service for others.

 

If you’re not experiencing these kinds of feelings in your relationship, perhaps it’s time you took a step back and looked at the bigger picture. Reassess the relationship and decide if perhaps the problem is something that you need to fix in your own life. Ask yourself:

 

- Are you a gentleman to your girlfriend? Do you open doors for her? Do you take her on dates and at the very least offer to pay? Do you use good manners (i.e. say “please” and “thank you”, chew with your mouth closed, keep your elbows off the table, etc)? Do you refrain from excessive scatalogical humor?

- Are you kind to her? Contrary to (justifiably) popular belief, girls don’t like jerks. Do you do nice things for her? Do you compliment her? Do you cook for her sometimes? Offer her massages? You should make her feel like the princess that she is.

- Are you spontaneous? Girls don’t like to be bored any more than guys do. Do you try to surprise her with little gifts or fun dates? Try doing something for her that she has had on her “To Attempt" list and clearly doesn’t want to worry about. Do you try to mix up date ideas to avoid monotony?

- Do you give her plenty of space to do her own thing? Being apart in a relationship is just as important as being together. You need to live separate lives. Do you support her having her own friends and do you give her time and space to hang out with them? Maybe work on your own skills, hobbies, and interests without her to give her that space, as well as giving you something to talk about the next time you’re together!

- Do you show confidence? One of the most attractive things to any woman (minus the rare exception of a woman who doesn’t actually want a boyfriend, but rather, a puppy) is confidence. Don’t be the mayor of Pussytown, be the sheriff of Ballsville. If you’re having trouble with this, try to build your confidence by doing little things that put you slightly out of your comfort zone, like talking to strangers when you’re out and about, or trying a new food you wouldn’t have tried before. Write a list of all the things you are good at and reflect on how freaking bad@$$ you are. Confidence is as simple as doing what you want, when you want, and learning not to care about what others are going to think.

- Are you romantic? I don’t care who your girlfriend is, what kind of broken home she came from, or how much she thinks that she thinks romance is gross: EVERY GIRL WANTS SOME ROMANCE. At least a little. It doesn’t have to be a reservation at French Laundry, or a huge, pre-meditated night-hike to a mountaintop where you, earlier that day climbed to place the cheese and wine for your late-night star-gazing, but at least land a soft kiss on her neck every now and then to let her know you care, which brings us to our next point...

- Do you use your words like a big boy... too much? Actions speak louder than words. Few places is this concept more true than in the game of Love. Are you constantly letting her know how you feel? Telling her she is the one, and that you don’t know what you’d do without her in your life? Do you have a emotional DEATH WISH!? This is one of the fastest ways of making a woman wish she’d never met that sadist who introduced the two of you.

- Do you take interest in her and her life? Do you ask her about her day or her life in general? Girls like being the center of your life (as long as they don’t realize they’re the center of your life) and being in the spotlight. It’s also just a matter of showing her you care. Ask her questions about her family, foods she likes, hobbies she enjoys, favorite brand of stick deodorant, etc. WORD OF CAUTION: Don’t do much talking yourself. Keep her talking, and she will love you.

- Do you leave her wanting more? With all this talk of being kind to her, being a gentlemen, and doing nice things for her, it is important that you make sure you aren’t constantly giving and never getting anything in return. Love should be like a good game of table tennis. If you are constantly hitting the ball to her side of the court and she never returns them, pretty soon, you’re gonna run out of balls. (It’s not a perfect metaphor, I know.) Make sure when you do one or two nice things for her, she is showing the same amount of affection back. That goes for everything from random, spontaneous trips to visit you at work, to asking you questions about yourself (which you are to remain semi-mysterious about), to initiating a good make-out session every once-in-a-while. If she isn’t, back off a bit and let her come to you.

- Do you smell bad? Are you a bum when it comes to hygiene? Do you shower regularly? Wear deodorant? Brush your teeth? Wear clean underwear (and overwear)? Girls want a man who’s well put-together, and if you can’t even take care of your basic, outward, physical attributes, “well put-together” is the last thing she’ll think you are.

- Are you a workin’ man? Girls like a workin’ man and love a man in uniform, because a uniform means you’re doing SOMETHING. Do you have a job? Is your financial situation good, okay, or at least on an uphill climb? If not, get to work IMMEDIATELY. No girl wants a man who’s livin’ on the street!

- Do you hit the gym? Run? Diet? ANYTHING? Do you sit around on your fat, ever-growing rump all day, ingesting a steady supply of burgers, beers, and Breyer's while she continues to perfect her already perfect body? THAT’s not okay… Do the right thing and get your @$$ in gear!!!

 

Did you answer "no" to any of the above questions? I hope so, and I hope that question was "Do you have a emotional DEATH WISH!?” But besides that, if you DID answer "no" to some of the above questions, then perhaps you could improve some things in your own life to make her feel better about her choice to date you. What was that? You say that the death wish question was the ONLY question you answered “No!” to? HEY! SAME HERE! Aaaaand, I'm tired of this.

[Sanserif]

Homie, I am so impressed with your writing you've got me almost speechless.

 

Bravo. You definitely deserve better, bro. Let that b*tch go. You're the man

[angel.eyes]

Your stress is essentially self-induced. Accept that your "girlfriend" is not interested in a relationship with you, and move on to someone who is in fact interested.