Need to revive lost spark desperately!

[kenji255]

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 7-8 months. We first hung out, started talking, and we just clicked. We started talking about EVERYTHING and when we weren’t doing that, we were either watching a movie or TV show that we both loved, hiking or doing some physical thing we both loved, or we were making out or doing some OTHER physical thing we both loved. She lost her virginity to me and I fell for her so hard. I have learned a lot from past relationships, one of which is to play it cool and play it slow. So, I did.

 

I tried not to come on too strong. All was going well, and she flew me with her down to Mesa, AZ over spring break to meet the family, paid for my ticket both ways, everything. We had a great time… Red flag: She didn’t really introduce me to all of her friends and family very excitedly as her boyfriend. She usually just told them my name… Anyway, things were still going pretty well, until the last day we were there. That morning, her mother had a talk with her (to this day, regardless of multiple inquiries, I don’t know what about, but I’m sure I was a big part of it. Her mom didn’t seem to like me, regardless of how nice I tried to be) and for the next few days, she was super distant and cold.

 

Since then, she’s gone back and forth (I think she’s bipolar) and I given me a LOT of confusing signals. She’d be super distant, and I’d back off, and then she’d say she missed me and wanted to hang out, returning to her normal self. Anyway, I’m REALLY trying to condense all of this… So, I, like an idiot, was still hanging out with my ex-girlfriend occasionally, and I thought she was aware of this, but one day, she came over and my ex was at my house and we were just sitting on the couch, not touching each other (we have just been really good friends for years since we broke up) or anything, and my gf came in and my ex decided to leave us be. They were very friendly to each other.

 

Anyway, like, 2 days later, my GF just breaks up with me over the whole thing, even though I had told her several times in our relationship to tell me if the thing with my ex was bothering her and she never did. So, we took a week-long break, and during that time, I had a talk with my ex about how we couldn’t hang out anymore and that it was unhealthy. Eventually, my GF came to ME, saying she had a really hard week. I proposed we try again and she was hesitant. But SHE came to ME so I thought that meant that she really did want to get back together! So I kinda pushed it and we got back together.

 

That week was good. We got on very well, physically, emotionally, we were good. The next week, I got strep throat, and she disappeared. She didn’t talk to me for days, and then I found out she had gone on a hike with a guy from her work that is all tall and muscular, and this was a hike that I had told her several time I wanted to take her on. This guy posted the picture of them on Facebook so I talked to her about it, and she said that this guy was taking pictures with everyone and assured me it was nothing. Then she had the gall to thank me for bringing it up instead of holding it all inside, when I later realized that she, her sister, her mother, and our mutual friend all “Liked” the photo, like they are conspiring against me!

 

I can’t bring it up again, or I’ll just come across as needy and annoying. Since then, she’s been SUPER distant. If I don’t text her for days, she won’t text me, when I invite her to do stuff, she is either busy, or she comes and just acts like she’s hating every minute. She hangs out with her best friend Samantha and Sam's guy friends a LOT, and she's never invited me. I don’t know what happened, but I am pretty damn sure she is either cheating or wanting to cheat on me with this guy from work. The other day, I took her to the premiere of The Fault In Our Stars because it’s her favorite book, and I picked her up before-hand and took her to my house and cooked dinner, then went to the movie, and finally dropped her off at her house. The whole time, she was nice, energetic, she held my hand in the theater, and gave me a kiss goodnight at the end of the night, just after inviting me to go with her the next day to barnes and noble to read with her.

 

The next day, she texted me first, asking if I’d like to join her to run some errands. We ended up doing that, going swimming, going out to lunch, and then going to barnes and noble. She even offered to pick me up instead of me driving. However, there was NO affection from her. She also told me over lunch that she’s never liked when I call her “cute” because she feels like I’m being condescending… which I don’t get. She’s just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen… But regardless, after all the little affectionate gestures I tried, she showed nothing in return, and when she dropped me off that day, I kissed her and it was this awkward kiss where I kissed her lips and she sat there…

 

So, now I’m feeling in the friend zone. You have to realize that I love this girl more than I’ve ever loved a girl, and I've dated a LOT. I love her more than the last girl I dated, and I was seriously discussing marriage with that girl for a while. Anyway, I really want to end up with this girl, and I realize at this point, the chances are about 0.03%, but I have been considering breaking up with her to hopefully change her mind and make her realize what we have, but then I was reading on another forum and all these girls were telling this boy that breaking up with his girl to make her want you more is a terrible idea.

 

We still occasionally watch shows or movies together, and do other things together, and occasionally, she’ll act fairly normal, but overall, she’s cold, distant, and shows NO affection. So now I’m feeling like she likes being my friend, but wants to be with this guy from work (who she mentions fairly often) and resents me for being in the way. I know you will all tell me to move on, but my question is, what do you guys think is my best chance at getting her to want me again?

 

Do I dump her and work on improving myself, getting out and doing fun things without her, etc, or do I stay with her and just not contact her and work on myself that way? The way I see it, me trying to win her back by talking to her or doing sweet things for her at this point will just come across as pathetic and begging, and no one likes a lost puppy. I have tried talking to her several times about our relationship and she just... doesn't talk. Then I ask her to tell me if things are bothering her and she says she will, and then never does. She just seems totally uninterested in me, and I'm hoping I can somehow turn that around.

 

P.S. Her best friend, Samantha basically convinced her to dump me the first time, but whenever I see Sam she’s really friendly and we talk about stuff, but she's never once accepted an invitation to hang out when I've invited her and my GF to, and I’m wondering if there’s a way you think I could get her best friend’s approval, because that would REALLY help.

 

Thank you all if you've made it this far!

Edited June 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and moved to BBU

[Lani]

Please use paragraph breaks - it is too hard to real a wall of text.

 

Try one of his other threads.

[kenji255]

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 7-8 months. We first hung out, started talking, and we just clicked. We started talking about EVERYTHING and when we weren’t doing that, we were either watching a movie or TV show that we both loved, hiking or doing some physical thing we both loved, or we were making out or doing some OTHER physical thing we both loved. She lost her virginity to me and I fell for her so hard. I have learned a lot from past relationships, one of which is to play it cool and play it slow. So, I did. I tried not to come on too strong.

 

All was going well, and she flew me with her down to Mesa, AZ over spring break to meet the family, paid for my ticket both ways, everything. We had a great time… Red flag: She didn’t really introduce me to all of her friends and family very excitedly as her boyfriend. She usually just told them my name… Anyway, things were still going pretty well, until the last day we were there. That morning, her mother had a talk with her (to this day, regardless of multiple inquiries, I don’t know what about, but I’m sure I was a big part of it. Her mom didn’t seem to like me, regardless of how nice I tried to be) and for the next few days, she was super distant and cold.

 

Since then, she’s gone back and forth (I think she’s bipolar) and I given me a LOT of confusing signals. She’d be super distant, and I’d back off, and then she’d say she missed me and wanted to hang out, returning to her normal self. Anyway, I’m REALLY trying to condense all of this… So, I, like an idiot, was still hanging out with my ex-girlfriend occasionally, and I thought she was aware of this, but one day, she came over and my ex was at my house and we were just sitting on the couch, not touching each other (we have just been really good friends for years since we broke up) or anything, and my gf came in and my ex decided to leave us be. They were very friendly to each other. Anyway, like, 2 days later, my GF just breaks up with me over the whole thing, even though I had told her several times in our relationship to tell me if the thing with my ex was bothering her and she never did.

 

So, we took a week-long break, and during that time, I had a talk with my ex about how we couldn’t hang out anymore and that it was unhealthy. Eventually, my GF came to ME, saying she had a really hard week. I proposed we try again and she was hesitant. But SHE came to ME so I thought that meant that she really did want to get back together! So I kinda pushed it and we got back together. That week was good. We got on very well, physically, emotionally, we were good. The next week, I got strep throat, and she disappeared. She didn’t talk to me for days, and then I found out she had gone on a hike with a guy from her work that is all tall and muscular, and this was a hike that I had told her several time I wanted to take her on. This guy posted the picture of them on Facebook so I talked to her about it, and she said that this guy was taking pictures with everyone and assured me it was nothing. Then she had the gall to thank me for bringing it up instead of holding it all inside, when I later realized that she, her sister, her mother, and our mutual friend all “Liked” the photo, like they are conspiring against me! I can’t bring it up again, or I’ll just come across as needy and annoying.

 

Since then, she’s been SUPER distant. If I don’t text her for days, she won’t text me, when I invite her to do stuff, she is either busy, or she comes and just acts like she’s hating every minute. She hangs out with her best friend Samantha and Sam's guy friends a LOT, and she's never invited me. I don’t know what happened, but I am pretty damn sure she is either cheating or wanting to cheat on me with this guy from work. The other day, I took her to the premiere of The Fault In Our Stars because it’s her favorite book, and I picked her up before-hand and took her to my house and cooked dinner, then went to the movie, and finally dropped her off at her house. The whole time, she was nice, energetic, she held my hand in the theater, and gave me a kiss goodnight at the end of the night, just after inviting me to go with her the next day to barnes and noble to read with her. The next day, she texted me first, asking if I’d like to join her to run some errands. We ended up doing that, going swimming, going out to lunch, and then going to barnes and noble. She even offered to pick me up instead of me driving. However, there was NO affection from her. She also told me over lunch that she’s never liked when I call her “cute” because she feels like I’m being condescending… which I don’t get. She’s just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen… But regardless, after all the little affectionate gestures I tried, she showed nothing in return, and when she dropped me off that day, I kissed her and it was this awkward kiss where I kissed her lips and she sat there…

 

So, now I’m feeling in the friend zone. You have to realize that I love this girl more than I’ve ever loved a girl, and I've dated a LOT. I love her more than the last girl I dated, and I was seriously discussing marriage with that girl for a while. Anyway, I really want to end up with this girl, and I realize at this point, the chances are about 0.03%, but I have been considering breaking up with her to hopefully change her mind and make her realize what we have, but then I was reading on another forum and all these girls were telling this boy that breaking up with his girl to make her want you more is a terrible idea. We still occasionally watch shows or movies together, and do other things together, and occasionally, she’ll act fairly normal, but overall, she’s cold, distant, and shows NO affection.

 

So now I’m feeling like she likes being my friend, but wants to be with this guy from work (who she mentions fairly often) and resents me for being in the way. I know you will all tell me to move on, but my question is, what do you guys think is my best chance at getting her to want me again? Do I dump her and work on improving myself, getting out and doing fun things without her, etc, or do I stay with her and just not contact her and work on myself that way? The way I see it, me trying to win her back by talking to her or doing sweet things for her at this point will just come across as pathetic and begging, and no one likes a lost puppy. I have tried talking to her several times about our relationship and she just... doesn't talk. Then I ask her to tell me if things are bothering her and she says she will, and then never does. She just seems totally uninterested in me, and I'm hoping I can somehow turn that around.

 

P.S. Her best friend, Samantha basically convinced her to dump me the first time, but whenever I see Sam she’s really friendly and we talk about stuff, but she's never once accepted an invitation to hang out when I've invited her and my GF to, and I’m wondering if there’s a way you think I could get her best friend’s approval, because that would REALLY help.

 

Thank you all if you've made it this far!

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Awww. Well it seems as if you are a nice young lad with a lot of love to offer.

 

But the truth is is that you are YOUNG and so is she. To plan marriage this young is is probably the worst idea ever.

 

Let me tell you, when I was a young women, I loved having men of all shaped and sizes admire me. I would "love" a man one minute and then deprive them of love all just to prove to myself of what I was capable of. Long story short, I was YOUNG. I was incapable of handling feelings of others in a way that they deserved, nor did I understand my own. And I definitely wasn't a fair person. This is what happens in the early stages of dating and love. You youngins go around giving out your love one minute and then tear the heart out of the persons chest and eat it for dinner, like little sociopaths.

 

I know what you feel is real. You are learning about intimacy and bonding.

 

She is trouble. Move on, continue your dating. Don't obsess over someone who doesn't have the maturity to have real conversations. The problem isn't about this other guy, or even her, she is just too mentally immature at this point to have honest communication with you.

 

Time will heal you and you will look back on this and possibly laugh.

 

I was broken about my "virgin" first bf for many years to follow, but would I want him now that I am older, successful, more attractive, etc? Heck no. I would have made the worst choice had I married him at 19. He is a bit of a boring fellow who likes stuff I could care less about, I would be in jail and so would he.

 

Yuck.

 

No marriage. Just have fun.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

And for heavens sake, don't obsess.

 

You want to win this emotional tug-o-war with your untouchable princess? Cut her off politely.

 

Block her on facebook, don't respond to texts, perhaps be polite if you happen to run in the same circles, stay happy in front of her no matter what you feel. But do NOT show neediness or sadness.

 

If she asks why you are blocking her simply say in a rather nonchalant (but friendly!!) way "I am finding the dynamic between us to be unhealthy and I simply need space to work on myself for a while, please don't take it personally, I wish you the best though"

 

It will drive her 100% insane because she will have lost the emotional mind f#%% game she was trying to win.

 

She may even beg you to come back. But don't. She will just revert back to her childlike heart smashing ways and you will have lost your power.

 

Instead, become that untouchable nice guy "that got away"

Edited June 9, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[trailrunner1975]

Sounds like she has already checked out of your relationship. I suggest you look up ladder theory on google. You are on the friend ladder and she hasn't told you. No amount of talk or convincing will get you back to where you were. I totally agree with the post above btw. Move on to a healthy relationship with someone else.

[kenji255]

ConfusedMarriedOW, I agree with everything you said. Except that I feel I am fairly mature in my relationships. I am 26 and have been through a LOT, however, I do tend to fall in love easily and obsess. She, however, is 19 and it is clear to me that although she acted VERY mature when we started dating, she has reverted to her true, high-school mentality and doesn't know what relationships take.

 

trailrunner1975, I looked up the friend ladder. haha I am sure that is what is happening...

 

Thank you both. Should I break up with her, or just stop talking to her? I am assuming I should break up with her, and if so, should I give a lot of reasons or just say "You don't seem happy, and as a result, neither am I. It's not healthy, and I'll need space and time." Actually, I liked what you told me to say, ConfusedMarriedOW.

[Trimmer]

Thank you both. Should I break up with her, or just stop talking to her? I am assuming I should break up with her, and if so, should I give a lot of reasons or just say "You don't seem happy, and as a result, neither am I. It's not healthy, and I'll need space and time." Actually, I liked what you told me to say, ConfusedMarriedOW.

I tend to be one who thinks that unless it is a positively and overtly toxic situation, it's at least respectful to say something before you disappear.

 

Having said that, I'd recommend that you don't proclaim any judgments about what you think she is feeling ("You don't seem happy...") as this just leaves room for an argument or disagreement. Also, to end with "I need space and time" is a wishy-washy way to break up that comes off like you are trying to sound like you're making a decision, with actually making a decision. And it can also be interpreted as leaving the door open, and I recommend against that. If you're going to end it, end it.

 

So it looks like what we're left with - according to my advice, anyway - is "I'm not happy and this is not healthy." I think that's a reasonable core. Maybe just add some form of "... so I'm moving on. Good luck." If you want to add something nice about the good times, that's probably fine, but whatever you do, make it solid and final - no ambiguity.

 

The "not-leaving-the-door-open" idea is for both of you: it's respectful to her so she's not confused as to what the status is, and it's important for you for the same reason - so you have a clear path forward and no confusion about waiting around or any of that.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Yep, that is likely true. Ambiguity is cruel. Best not to leave her wondering. But I have a feeling that you are unsure about if you want to end it permanently. Space CAN be good. It can give you time to figure out your priorities and who knows maybe in that time you will figure out that you don't want to go back and then you can give the relationship the final Vulcan death blow.

 

I tend to be one who thinks that unless it is a positively and overtly toxic situation, it's at least respectful to say something before you disappear.

 

Having said that, I'd recommend that you don't proclaim any judgments about what you think she is feeling ("You don't seem happy...") as this just leaves room for an argument or disagreement. Also, to end with "I need space and time" is a wishy-washy way to break up that comes off like you are trying to sound like you're making a decision, with actually making a decision. And it can also be interpreted as leaving the door open, and I recommend against that. If you're going to end it, end it.

 

So it looks like what we're left with - according to my advice, anyway - is "I'm not happy and this is not healthy." I think that's a reasonable core. Maybe just add some form of "... so I'm moving on. Good luck." If you want to add something nice about the good times, that's probably fine, but whatever you do, make it solid and final - no ambiguity.

 

The "not-leaving-the-door-open" idea is for both of you: it's respectful to her so she's not confused as to what the status is, and it's important for you for the same reason - so you have a clear path forward and no confusion about waiting around or any of that.

[trailrunner1975]

Just walk. No, wait, run! Any kind of convo between you two may lead to her saying "maybe someday" and you hanging on hoping she finally comes around. Relationships do not exist in the future, only in the past and present. She is 19 and probably wants to play the field. Go find a WOMAN who has her stuff together and leave the little girl to herself. This sounds mean but is the same advice given to me when I was a mature 21 yr old dating a very immature 18 yr old. I listened to that advice and to this day am very glad I did.