wjh Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 If you hung out with some guy just as if you two were friends for a few social occasions, and then ended up going out on a few dates with him... Now, then, you suddenly realize he isn't the right type for you, do you just stop answering his calls? I've heard that "of course you don't wanna hurt the other person or his ego or whatever, so just don't answer his calls, you don't need to give him an explanation, he'll know." Or, is it a matter of courtesy to tell him why? It isn't like we're boy/girlfriends, it's just a few dates, and you know how as in most relationships, one person can be more interested than the other? so, like now, do we need to bother to give the other person a full explanation on why you don't want any more dates with them? (of course i wish i can still be friends with some of them, but looks like in these unequal interests cases, we cannot, can we?)
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 Originally posted by wjh 1. you suddenly realize he isn't the right type for you, do you just stop answering his calls? 2. Or, is it a matter of courtesy to tell him why? 3. do we need to bother to give the other person a full explanation on why you don't want any more dates with them? 4. i wish i can still be friends with some of them, but looks like in these unequal interests cases, we cannot, can we? 1. No, you let him know as gently as you can that while you had a great time, you really don't want to date him. 2. Yes, its the least you can do. 3. No, no 'full' explanation needed. Anything past "I like you but I don't to date you" is pretty much a moot point. 4. In the case of unequal interests, an actual friendship in its truest sense isn't possible. If you wouldn't seek out the person if there was 0% romance or even a chance of romance involved - then there's no point in agreeing to be friends if you get shot down romantically. All that accomplishes is allowing you to hold on a little longer to your broken heart, take whatever time you can get with them and call it "friends" when really it should be called "unrequited love".
alphamale Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 no, if you've been out a few times for casual dates you owe no explanation and are not required to call him back or whatever. if you want to be "nice" a short email or call stating just the facts would be great. personally if i've gone out on 3 or 4 dates with someone and they stop returning contact i just assume they are no longer interested, went back to an ex, or got hit by a bud lite truck and killed. there is no easy way to tell someone that you aren't into them.
kanga Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 I say you should clue him in that you're not interested by somehow actually saying something. Otherwise, you'll have him posting up here, asking us all what it means that you haven't called back, will you call back, how he can win you back, etc. etc.
Hund1976 Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 I would prefer if a girl would just tell me, "I had fun hanging out with you but I didn't feel any real spark" or something like that. I think just ignoring people is kind of rude.
Stylin22 Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 It all depends on how you want people to view you. Honesty breeds respect. He may be mad or emotional, but he will respect you for not falling into the low-down coward category...Shallow ones are the ones that walk away not saying anything, he may be looking at it differently...choose who you want to be
alphamale Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Originally posted by Stylin22 Honesty breeds respect. He may be mad or emotional, but he will respect you for not falling into the low-down coward category...Shallow ones are the ones that walk away not saying anything, he may be looking at it differently...choose who you want to be Hmmm.....so STYLIN22, honesty breeds respect? Ok then next extremely obese person you see tell 'em "hey you fat oaf, you'd better lose 150lbs or you'll die, oh, any you look like shyt too!" I'm sure you'll get tons of respect for that. And BTW, the "shallow" ones may walk away w/o saying anyting maybe cause they are smart and care about not hurting your feelings directly. There is no way to easily say to someone "sorry, you are not up to par and I don't wanna be with you"
vaecho Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 From past experiences, at least tell him that you are not interested in him. I actually did the ignore the phone calls, avoid them on campus, etc. Thank goodness the guy is not as rude as I can be, because now we have been dating for about 6 months and I am so thankful that he gave me another chance. So I guess you really don't ever know how things will turn and as you know, you should never burn those bridges.
Hund1976 Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 I actually think it hurts my feelings more when someone just ignores you. If someone someone tells you that they aren't interested it sucks right then and there but at least you get it over with quick. When they just stop calling then you have to sit around wondering "hmmm are the interested in me? Are they ever going to call back?" then when you realize they aren't ever calling back you feel like a putz for sitting around waiting.
alphamale Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Originally posted by Hund1976 I actually think it hurts my feelings more when someone just ignores you. If someone someone tells you that they aren't interested it sucks right then and there but at least you get it over with quick. well HUND1976, I personally don't want to know if someone does not want to be with me. If they break off contact early on then I assume that is the reason. Now if you are dating someone for 4 months and all of a sudden they stop calling you then that is wierd. Many men make the mistake of pursueing one chick at a time. You should be chasing after 3 or 4 or even 5 at the same time so as not to put all yer eggs in one basket so-to-speak. So if you are using this "shotgun" mentality towards women if one or two split then who cares, you still have a couple left.
hongkongchick Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 i dont think you HAVE to explain why, but yes i do think you need to at least tell him (face to face, coz dont be a coward) that it's not gonna work for you. if you think he will understand and not hate you, u can tell him why, but as gently as possible. and dont use those lines "it's not you, it's me" or "i am not ready for a relationship.." blah blah blah.
VirginiaBob Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 I actually like when someone uses the ignore approach on me. If I call and she doesn't call back, at least the ball is in her court, and I am cleared of all reponsibility to make things work. And if she doesn't call back, I don't really feel rejected because it might have nothing to do with me - for all I know, maybe she has major emotional issues or is just weird - I'll never know and I like it that way.
Hund1976 Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 I guess I appreciate honesty. Maybe there could be a rule like if a guy calls once the girl can ignore him and that's that, but if the guy calls twice then the girl has to tell him she's not interested. I think honesty is good for other reasons too. If the girl tries to be nice letting someone down easy you wind up with situations like the 500 posts from Midwest Guy. You should be chasing after 3 or 4 or even 5 at the same time I don't think I could juggle that many girls at once, maybe when I was in college, but I think now I would have to quit my job and get a big bag of Viagra and Speed.
hongkongchick Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Originally posted by VirginiaBob I actually like when someone uses the ignore approach on me. If I call and she doesn't call back, at least the ball is in her court, and I am cleared of all reponsibility to make things work. And if she doesn't call back, I don't really feel rejected because it might have nothing to do with me - for all I know, maybe she has major emotional issues or is just weird - I'll never know and I like it that way. that's a good point. i have done that a couple of times, one worked, one didnt. the one who didnt kept calling and calling and calling and leaving messages, sending emails. and finally i decided to talk to him since he was so "persistent" (annoying), i told him it wasnt working out for us, simple as that, and he just started telling me that he went out with me (once) because he wanted to get laid, and if he wasnt that desparate, he wouldnt have picked me coz .......... (very personal disgusting insults) so i truly dont think that every guy wants to know the truth or not, coz it can back fire!
Stylin22 Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Alpha, you gotta get out of the house and get yourself some real love...I do think if you start into something with someone, you should let your intentions be known. Honesty, in this area, is a good thing. People understand, they get into dating, for love or friendship or sex, whatever...But, if you have to try to twist into some obese person thing and act like you know it all then go ahead...you have alot more time on your hands than I do. Good luck with that. And, yeah you can be honest in mostly anything...It's not what you have to say so much as how you say it...And how you say things bro, I honestly feel for you...I really do...it's almost sad
Stylin22 Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Wow, alpha, you got "fear of rejection" written all over you...I mean, are you scared to know that you may not be good enough. Why worry about that? Things just don't work out for various reasons, whether or not it is you. It sounds like you are bit sensitive with the girls huh...Hope the hair on your chest doesn't keep falling off...Good posts though, keep em coming...
alphamale Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Originally posted by VirginiaBob I actually like when someone uses the ignore approach on me. If I call and she doesn't call back, at least the ball is in her court, and I am cleared of all reponsibility to make things work. And if she doesn't call back, I don't really feel rejected because it might have nothing to do with me - for all I know, maybe she has major emotional issues or is just weird - I'll never know and I like it that way. ahhh, superb VB. If there is a hole the mind fills it with whatever it wants to hear. See if I have gone out with some broad 3 times and then I call her up and she never calls me back and i never see her again I just think "oh, maybe she got hit by a beer truck or went back to her obese lesbian lover or maybe she's back in the psych ward again". HahAHAh aha ahA AHAHahAHahA aahAh HAA
alphamale Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Originally posted by Stylin22 Wow, alpha, you got "fear of rejection" written all over you...I mean, are you scared to know that you may not be good enough. Why worry about that? Things just don't work out for various reasons, whether or not it is you. It sounds like you are bit sensitive with the girls huh...Hope the hair on your chest doesn't keep falling off...Good posts though, keep em coming... no, we are talking about not contacting someone after 3 or 4 dates here, we are not talking about a relationship. hey if i ask 10 women out, i get rejected 8 times. i love rejection cause it is one closer to another date. rejection is my friend. i'd rather not hear from someone after a couple of dates than get some lame excuse like "oh, its not u, its me" or "we don't really synch up menatlly to date anymore." why do i need to hear that or waste my time with it?
clynn Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 I've been on both sides of this scenario and have experienced it both ways. OFten my ego really appreciates not being told straight out what the deal is. However, it depends on the nature of the relationship and the likliehood and desirability of seeing them again. Now, as I get older, I prefer the direct approach. Why not? My ego can handle it now. And there is no deluding yourself into thinking it was just the fact that you both "fell off" contacting each other. (Though actually, this can be a tidy segue for a pick up again if you think that is possible). Also, if I want to remain friends with him, I think being honest is best. Because, maybe you won't be friends right away. But, honestly, for such a short lived encounter as you and he had, I don't see any reason not to be. Particularly if you're both mature about it (and if you genuinely want to be). I have friends who I used to date. It works best when they were short relationships. Once my ego bounces back (or his...)...they can be quite unique friendships. Good luck either way, keep us posted!
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