heartbroken56 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 So I'm going through this right now, it's still very recent for me. We have been broken up for three weeks today. We haven't spoken in 16 days, I sent the last text. It's still quite hard to completely understand. I'm thinking that maybe writing this whole story out can make me feel better. And than in a few months, if I read this again, I'll feel better for knowing that I'm no longer in this state of sadness. My ex and I started dated for 3.5 months before I had to go back to college. And then of course, we began a long distance relationship because at that point, we had fallen in love. We were both college students that went to different schools. It's always a horrible feeling to know that you have met somebody you have really connected with but a factor like reality must separate you. When the long distance started, it was hard but I still loved him so much. To me, even if I could only see him twice a month, it was worth it to me because he meant that much to me. But, as silly as it is. I let my insecurities and fears get to me. People surrounding me and my family always pointed out the negative aspect of us being in a long distance relationship. And since I am studying abroad this upcoming fall, I realized we would be apart for 4 whole months. And then thinking of studying abroad, just made me think way into the future. Where is this going? Will there ever be a time when we can truly be together in the same city? What if our 2 hour distance becomes states away. etc. etc. And so one night, I broke it off with him. And it was horrible, because I was breaking up with somebody that I was in love with but was thinking "logically" and how I didn't want to be hurt in the future when I had invested more time with him. At first he was denial and then at one point, he realized that I made valid points and that sadly our relationship didn't have what other LDR relationships have, a time when you know you will finally be together. So he accepted it, but that entire week, we continued speaking. It was like we had not broken up. And only when I returned home, did we finally do this in person. It was worse because we spent the entire day just like how we usually did and then the dreadful conversation had to come up. And as soon as I drove back to my parents. I realized that I was making a huge mistake. Maybe I didn't know what the future held but why was I going to sabotage something that was just so wonderful? The following day, I told him I regretted everything and that I wanted him back. And that it was a a huge mistake on my part. We got back together. Now, it's two months later. And he broke up with me this stating that it just hasn't felt the same since our breakup. While, I had questioned his feelings for me these past 2 months, he would always tell me to put my fears at bay because he still very much wanted to be with me and loved me. But now he's telling me the classic: "I love you but I'm not in love with you like I used to be" It's the biggest slap in the face because when I ended it first, I was never saying I didn't love him anymore, I was just pointing out the obstacles we were facing and that distance and time was our greatest enemy. But he ended it because he just "stopped" being in love with me. And while, I know I will get through this. It hurts to know that the person I truly believed would never hurt me, ended up breaking my heart. I keep blaming myself for having broken up with him. I keep thinking of the "what if's" and I feel so much regret. I keep thinking about how much he loved me once. About how one night essentially (the official night we broke up) could have truly made him do this 180 for his feelings about me. I feel anger towards him as well because it just feels like he strung me along these past few months. But I also feel so much sadness because I loved him, and truthfully still love him. Because love can't just go away in a few days. But it feels like it did for him. Truthfully, I feel like I will have a lot of trust issues in the future. I can't even imagine ever speaking to him again. Or being friends. Had it ended the way it did 2 months ago, amicably when we both still loved each other, it could have been a possibility. But now that he stopped loving me, it's impossible to even think I could ever see him again. When we first broke up, he kept taking in the present tense. This time, it was all in the past tense. Because it was just over for him. I have deleted him off of my phone, deleted him off of all social media so I can begin this cleanse of living my life without him. He was the first boy I ever loved so maybe that is why it is so hard. I only hope that this pain goes away. Because it truly makes no sense for me the way we ended. He chose to let me go, and so I need to let him go. Why is it that I feel like I want him to regret our break up and come knocking on my door apologizing to want me back? Is it possible to get back together with someone after hearing those dreadful words? Some advice please. (we dated for almost an entire year, and have known each other since April of 2012)
Hello201 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 i feel your pain and suffering she told me she wanted a break on the 13 of may, the day after we spent the most amazing weekend together as we always did , she finally told me she didnt love me and wanted to finish on the 19th of may ive not seen here since the 12th , i miss her i stil dont inderstand wht she told me but i cant get her out of my head ive had a couple of breadcuumbs from her it also feel the same as you that you want them back but theres nothing we can do is there , can we beg yes , can we call them yes im sorry but if we do that it will make us feel worse because they appear to have moved on you assume that they are having a great life without you . how can have just have erased everything about you from thier life , i wish i know what she was thinking does she want me back does she miss me all of those things we just have to put everything about them away and move on do we remember the good stuff ? i do and that makes it worse so i keep bust trust me it sort of helps but when your alone ...... this is pbobably not helping you at all im sorry i feel your pain i really do x
Author heartbroken56 Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 I swear, I need more responses. Last night I tossed and turned thinking about him. Wanting to call him and reach out to him. Why do I feel this way after he has told me this? I need to know how to move on because I feel like I'm going to break down and end up reaching out to him only to hear what I don't want to hear and just be in even more pain. I feel like I never want to fall in love again because being heartbroken just sin't worth it.
gj13 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Aw, i understand how you feel heartbroken56. I'm going through something similar and heard those words too "i still love you but it's just not the same" it broke my heart, literally. But it also gave me strength to pull back (even if only for a few days) and for the first time decide to go NC. After all, why would you want to keep in touch with someone who doesn't feel the same? Love doesn't vanish in a few days, weeks and i believe not even months. But the "spark" that makes you want to fight for your relationship withers as time, fights and problems pile up and i think that's what happened to both of us. Just work on yourself, find the strength YOU need in his speech. Love yourself enough to turn your own 180 without thinking about him. Sure, you'll cave, fall and all that. But you can always get up again and start from scratch. Maybe distance is needed for that spark to ignite, or maybe distance will give you clearer thoughts, enough to steer away from this relationship and any wish to "get back together".
OwMyEyeball Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Sorry to hear how much you're suffering. From my own breakup experience, the little bit of research I've done and the support of these forums I've discovered that while the initial pain feels catastrophic and unending, it does and will fade. "The first cut is the deepest" By initiating 'no contact' and removing any reminders of him you've made a very strong first step in allowing yourself to begin healing. Allow yourself to grieve your loss and the torrent of emotions that will be tormenting you for the coming days. Take the time to reflect on the relationship. But above all take care of yourself in every way you know how. Supportive friends & family are crucial. So are all the activities and interests you are pursuing or may want to pursue that bring you achievement, fulfillment and security. You may doubt it now, given the surge of strong feelings coursing through you, but you will come out of this healthy and fully intact. There's some pain to feel yet, but it will gradually diminish. And the rate at which that happens is greatly aided by maintaining 'no contact', allowing yourself to grieve and very importantly, re-focusing on building your life. Best wishes.
Author heartbroken56 Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 I just feel like I keep blaming myself for some reason. I feel like I'm still in that bargaining stage. I keep thinking if I had never ended up breaking it off, this wouldn't be happening. When I told him I was studying abroad, he was only supportive and told me he had no fears of us being apart but I feel as if I planted this seed of doubt in his mind when I broke up with him. And also the last 2 months of our relationship was kind of straining because I kept it from my parents. My father is extremly overbearing and did not like that I was in a relationship in college because he wants me to focus on school. I do not want to put any blame on my father but it is super tough to date somebody when your father is constantly on your back about having a boyfriend and then when we "broke up," I hid it from my father because I was scared. I feel like all these little things built up. And truthfully, if my boyfriends family had not made me feel welcome, I would not have continued the relationship either. I just wished he still wanted to be with me even with our obstacles or distance, parents and etc. I almost wonder if before I study abroad, I should contact him to say goodbye before I go off to Spain. It will have been three months by then. I don't know but I'm an absolute mess. I'm just scared of breaking down and calling him the next time I'm home, and hearing all the things I don't want to hear. I want him to miss me, regret his decision. But at the same time, I question why I do... Why would I want to be this person that could have "fallen out of love with me." I hate the pathetic girl that I have become when really I am a strong and independent person. 1
jbelle6 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 It's normal to be this hurt. I was told the same thing and at first I went over all the things I could have done wrong, just trying to find a reason. But, sometimes it's just feelings and they can change, it just happens. I don't want to make you feel worse, but is there anyway there could be someone else? I find when they give the "I love you I'm just not in love with you" speech often times there is. I suspect that with my ex as well. Not saying there is. I'm at 5 weeks and it does feel better, I still get sad times. It's normal to want them to miss you, it's normal to want them to change their mind. I find after they've lost their feelings the chances of that happening are slim. Keeping hope they will come back really prolongs the healing, once you let go of that you can move forward. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing for you, you are young and you will be going away and seeing/doing new things, once you get on with your future you will hardly even remember how sad you were. There is so many opportunities for you to meet someone amazing. You will be ok, promise!
gj13 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I just feel like I keep blaming myself for some reason. I feel like I'm still in that bargaining stage. I keep thinking if I had never ended up breaking it off, this wouldn't be happening. When I told him I was studying abroad, he was only supportive and told me he had no fears of us being apart but I feel as if I planted this seed of doubt in his mind when I broke up with him. And also the last 2 months of our relationship was kind of straining because I kept it from my parents. My father is extremly overbearing and did not like that I was in a relationship in college because he wants me to focus on school. I do not want to put any blame on my father but it is super tough to date somebody when your father is constantly on your back about having a boyfriend and then when we "broke up," I hid it from my father because I was scared. I feel like all these little things built up. And truthfully, if my boyfriends family had not made me feel welcome, I would not have continued the relationship either. I just wished he still wanted to be with me even with our obstacles or distance, parents and etc. I almost wonder if before I study abroad, I should contact him to say goodbye before I go off to Spain. It will have been three months by then. I don't know but I'm an absolute mess. I'm just scared of breaking down and calling him the next time I'm home, and hearing all the things I don't want to hear. I want him to miss me, regret his decision. But at the same time, I question why I do... Why would I want to be this person that could have "fallen out of love with me." I hate the pathetic girl that I have become when really I am a strong and independent person. Aw, this hit home. I had the same problem as you did with your father but with my mother. She couldn't stand me dating this guy in college cause he was 6 years older and she'd think i would quit school or something to elope... god knows what she imagined. But i always felt caught in the middle and it was awful. This dragged on for almost 5 years because she never "accepted" him, whereas his family was fully supportive and loved me. You ARE strong, and independence is gained through experience and will. don't let anyone tell you otherwise. What you're going through is TEMPORARY even if it feels like forever. But as time goes by, you'll realize that these overwhelming feeling slowly fade. The fact that you're studying abroad is going to do WONDERS. You'll meet new people and you'll be immersed in a whole new culture and that'll help you keep your mind off things. Keep the NC, don't say goodbye (or at least i'd suggest you didn't), cause then you'll keep replaying the scene in your mind over and over again.
Author heartbroken56 Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 It's horrible, I'm not even excited to study abroad anymore. I was so excited before but I was dreading it because we were both not happy about the fact of having to be so far for so many months. I hope it is temporary because I just feel like this is so easy for him and I'm just moping around. My head and my heart are so conflicted, it's almost like I'm waiting for him to pull a rom-com gesture because I'm in so much denial that he could have pulled that line on me. He was so in love with me, I just can't fathom how feelings can just leave a person. I have so many questions, and no answers. I don't believe that there was somebody else but I'm not offended by that question because other people asked me that too, since mutual friends of ours found it shocking that our relationship was really ending. I do fear the day I find out he is dating somebody else though, whether it be now, or in a few months. I know it's going to hurt me. Because as a couple, we didn't have any problems besides the "distance." I can honestly say that even though he has broken my heart, I still think he is a really kind human being and made me feel so special during our relationship. And I felt his love and devotion for me. But I don't think he did after our breakup since I planted this seed of doubt in his mind. And I guess that's the biggest regret I feel. 1
jbelle6 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 It's horrible, I'm not even excited to study abroad anymore. I was so excited before but I was dreading it because we were both not happy about the fact of having to be so far for so many months. I hope it is temporary because I just feel like this is so easy for him and I'm just moping around. My head and my heart are so conflicted, it's almost like I'm waiting for him to pull a rom-com gesture because I'm in so much denial that he could have pulled that line on me. He was so in love with me, I just can't fathom how feelings can just leave a person. I have so many questions, and no answers. I don't believe that there was somebody else but I'm not offended by that question because other people asked me that too, since mutual friends of ours found it shocking that our relationship was really ending. I do fear the day I find out he is dating somebody else though, whether it be now, or in a few months. I know it's going to hurt me. Because as a couple, we didn't have any problems besides the "distance." I can honestly say that even though he has broken my heart, I still think he is a really kind human being and made me feel so special during our relationship. And I felt his love and devotion for me. But I don't think he did after our breakup since I planted this seed of doubt in his mind. And I guess that's the biggest regret I feel. I swear you will get excited again!!! You just need to give the no contact a chance. You have to remember that for you the break up is just 5 days ago. First week is horrid. I felt better a bit 2 and 3 weeks in, for some reason felt down 4th week a few days then now into the 5 week I feel really good. The best thing for you is to completely change scenery like that. I am quite jealous of you to be honest. I wish I could go away somewhere for even a month.
Author heartbroken56 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 It hasn't been five days. This Sunday will make it a month since our breakup and I feel just as bad as I did the first week. The crying may not be as consistent but I'm filled with thoughts about him. I go to bed thinking about us and I wake up with a hole in my stomach. 1
Author heartbroken56 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Just as I had predicted, I cracked and called him today on my way to class. I thought he was at work and I was going to leave him a voice mail. But he actually picked up. We have decided to talk later tonight, I have just been tossing and turning every single night. I feel like I need some sort of closure because when we broke up, he went back home and then the rest of our "breakup" was over the phone and text. It just doesn't feel real yet and I need questions of mine to be answered. I don't know what to expect but I would rather do this over the phone and not in person when I head home next week cause I feel like it will hurt to much? I honestly do not know what to expect. Maybe I'm a masochist but I feel like without all the tears and the dramatics that occurred when we were breaking up, this talk can be helpful for me. Advice on how to experience a closure talk.
gj13 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Honestly my so called closure talk was a major mess. I ended up asking him to give it a last chance and failed miserably. Started off really good but ended in this intense hug (both) and he couldnt let go so i started crying and he left afterwards. I'm not te best parameter as to what you should do. BUT! I can honestly recommend you not to ask him for a last chance, it just never works and it tears you because he's just not the same person anymore. What did help me was to write everything i wanted to say to him so that i wouldn't forget it and just to have my thoughs super clear and in order. That helped me. Let him know you want NC and that it is for your well being and you want both parties to respect it.
Author heartbroken56 Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 We had a talk. It was rough but for some reason, him reiterating that our relationship wasn't the same for him made a big impact on me. I admit, I ended up crying but I'm not ashamed. Now, I feel free almost because if after a month he still feels the same and wants to let go of me, I'm not going to pine after him. He basically admitted that long distance took a toll on him and he couldn't handle it and it stressed him out. He claims that if we lived in the same city, this wouldn't be occurring but I believe that when people are meant to be, nothing stands in their way... and I don't want to keep caring about person that doesn't think that I'm worth the distance. I admit I'm happier this happened on the phone and not in person because in person would have been too rough. He of course asked why we have to be disconnected and if we can be apart of each others lives in the future and I told him it couldn't be possible. After this phone call, I hope we don't ever bump into each other whenever I go home. I finally deleted the messages I kept of us and I feel relieved to not have felt fear when deleting it and I don't regret it. He's moved on and I've chosen to move on. Maybe I'll have days that are really hard but for some reason, I feel some sense of freedom in knowing that I can finally live my life without thinking that one day he's going to change his mind and "want to be with me." I'm not looking to find love anytime soon and I'll definitely be more guarded the next time I date somebody. Words have just become words to me and this relationship had proved to me that pain is meant to be felt. I hope that anybody who is thinking about having closure, do it sooner, rather than later. If I had waited a few months. I believe it would have been worse.
Author heartbroken56 Posted July 8, 2014 Author Posted July 8, 2014 It's going to be close to two months since our breakup in the middle of July. I don't cry anymore but I still think about him everyday. Not in the way that I used too. I have even met a person that I am casually hanging out with but it's not serious at all because we go to different colleges. I feel like I am making progress but I feel as though if he ever called me, I would feel this rush again. I sometimes wish he would call and beg for something but I know that is is not going to happen. Do we ever forget the first love? Will I always feel this sort of connection to him even when I do start dating somebody else seriously? I just feel really jaded on the concept of love in general. Thankfully, this summer has been filled with laughs with my best friends but sometimes I miss the concept of having that person that I knew cared about me to deeply.
Always Pondering Posted July 8, 2014 Posted July 8, 2014 It's going to be close to two months since our breakup in the middle of July. I don't cry anymore but I still think about him everyday. Not in the way that I used too. I have even met a person that I am casually hanging out with but it's not serious at all because we go to different colleges. I feel like I am making progress but I feel as though if he ever called me, I would feel this rush again. I sometimes wish he would call and beg for something but I know that is is not going to happen. Do we ever forget the first love? Will I always feel this sort of connection to him even when I do start dating somebody else seriously? I just feel really jaded on the concept of love in general. Thankfully, this summer has been filled with laughs with my best friends but sometimes I miss the concept of having that person that I knew cared about me to deeply. It's great to hear that you're spending time with your best friends and even possibly seeing other people, even if just on a casual level. I don't believe you ever forget your ex but you are able to move on. You forgive their actions and decision by making peace within (also not allowing it to happen again however) but I feel you never completely forget your first love. Keep yourself busy as you are and you'll feel better over time. I'm sure your mindset on the concept of love will change as you heal and there will be plenty of opportunities to find love again, especially if you're young.
Author heartbroken56 Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 I feel this sense of dread in him liking someone else though. Which is hypocritical of course. But I know the day that I find out he is dating somebody, it is going to hurt me somehow and how do you avoid that pain of knowing that the person that was once "yours" somehow belongs to another person? We haven't spoken to texted in a while and sometimes I long for an "I miss you" text or call but I know that it won't happen. I don't know. Almost two months later and while I feel fine, but there are times like tonight where I think about him and how he is not apart of my life anymore.
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