tenspoons Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 My girlfriend of 4 months told me she lost the desire to do anything with me a few weeks ago. She told me over the phone while crying that she doesn't know why she lost the desire and wants it back. She thought it would come back on its own and that it was a momentary thing, but it never came back. She told me I am amazing, funny, kind, and great guy but she just doesn't feel like spending every moment with me anymore or even getting intimate. She is afraid she is not cut out for the relationship and feels it would be unfair to me if she continued to "pretend" everything is ok on her end. She said I made her happy until she lost the desire. I am not sure what this means, she isn't sure either. Neither of us have ever had a real relationship before so the both of us are in the dark. This issue is frustrating us both, and I can tell she is telling the truth and not making up a ruse. So what gives? I have done some research online about stages of relationships since we are incompetent, and found that this is "suppose" to happen. the "romance" or "enchantment" stage wares off eventually. I am not sure how credible that information is, but I would like to think it's true. It makes sense. If that IS the case, what should we do? both of us want to continue dating, but are slightly reluctant because she kinda lost her romantic emotions/urges toward me and feels like she would be pretending if she did. We put a hold on our relationship for now hopping she just needs space and time to breathe or take a knee. Even though I have hopes her feelings will return, I feel like it's a losing game and I'm just lying to myself. I also keep trying to run it through my head as to why this happened and what could have caused it but cannot understand it. I'm perturbed, frustrated, and lost on this one.
Wisecrack Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 You have two options: 1) Keep going: this option is logically incomprehensible as clouds of emotions aside, she has basically said she is not attracted to you and down the track, most likely will break up with you if another guy comes along that she is attracted to. She is only staying because she does not want to be single. 4 months is not enough time to be all commitment and stuff. 2) You break up with her here and now. You let her know if she really wants you, then she has to want you. You show some spine and even better, you get your single life back on track and can date others. This option also means down the track if she starts missing you, she may come back into your life.
Assasda Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 You are losing this simply because you are a doormat. You are being a doormat right now. Why do you feel the need to solve her problems. If she doesnt like you anymore. Its her problem, not yours. Stop being her yes man. and move on, be independent and dont coddle a grown ass woman. 1
Author tenspoons Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) Because maybe she is worth it. I have already told her that if it does not get better, I am never speaking or hanging out with her ever again. That alone had made her reconsider. If anything she is coddling me, if she didn't want to let me go or be terrified of hurting my feelings then she would have already. She would not call me up at 10pm in tears if she wanted to say goodbye forever. as for fearing to be alone, she has been alone for most of her life by choice and I was the one who broke that streak. She is an extremely independent woman and doesn't need anyone to be happy. That is what is so striking to me. even though she does not need me, she wants me, despite her loss of butterflies. She does not want to do me wrong and feels its unfair to me if she continues "emotionless". She is coddling me... I apologize for not providing an age group. we are young adults, not grown asses. Edited June 9, 2014 by tenspoons
Assasda Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Ofcourse she's terrified of hurting your feelings. If there is a little puppy-dog that agreed with everything I said and, tried to solve all my problems, and took everything that I gave, whether it was illogical, stupid, or harsh, and I wanted to get rid of that puppy-dog. I'd feel bad too. If a woman doesnt want to be intimate with me anymore, its over. - No red blooded woman is worth that. I'm not saying this aggressively. It would be cordially over. So, as I said before, you can be a DOORMAT, and try to solve whatever she's going through, or you can grow a spine, approach her about this, or simply just move on
Author tenspoons Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 As far as I am concerned this is as much my problem as it is hers. You obviously don't know how to have a long term relationship if you jump ship at the sight of a storm. I'm here for help on CONTINUING and working on a relationship, not leaving one, you would think I would have accepted defeat right away already if I was a real doormat. When she said she didn't want to be intimate with me, I put my foot down and laid down my demands. I threatened to disown her otherwise. She told me she does not want to break up, and still wants to date me and needed time to think. I thought I explained that. I simply wanted to know how someone could randomly lose attraction if they were in a happy relationship and if there was a way to rekindle the attraction. I do not want the cookie cutter advice "move on she isn't worth it, why do you care so much blah blah blah" that does not help.
Omei Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) I think what she's saying to you is loud and clear, this isn't a hurdle to get over with the relationship to stick it through she is plain telling you she is no longer attracted and has no more interest in being intimate with you, but is adding all the extra mush in so you will still be her emotional support and always be there for her without having a fulfilling relationship. Its also to lessen her guilt of wanting to leave you, the sweet talk. Yes you're being a doormat, this isn't a temporary hurdle. There is a difference in couples having issues being intimate together to there being no attraction she's picked number two so its unlikely she was attracted in the first place. Edited June 9, 2014 by Omei
Wisecrack Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Classic case of what PUA call - 'oneitis'. Prove me wrong but I say give you a few months before the new thread title of 'why did she leave me/ I thought everything was going alright'. I'm sorry to be blunt but sometimes that is what someone needs these days to open their eyes from the clouds of lovey doveyness to see what is happening.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Only four months in and she's lost feelings? I don't think this is going to work out in your favour, OP. It isn't normal after such a short time, despite what you've read online. I'd cut my losses and move on. There's no sense waiting around for someone who isn't attracted to you. Not worth it.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 As far as I am concerned this is as much my problem as it is hers. You obviously don't know how to have a long term relationship if you jump ship at the sight of a storm. I'm here for help on CONTINUING and working on a relationship, not leaving one, you would think I would have accepted defeat right away already if I was a real doormat. When she said she didn't want to be intimate with me, I put my foot down and laid down my demands. I threatened to disown her otherwise. She told me she does not want to break up, and still wants to date me and needed time to think. I thought I explained that. I simply wanted to know how someone could randomly lose attraction if they were in a happy relationship and if there was a way to rekindle the attraction. I do not want the cookie cutter advice "move on she isn't worth it, why do you care so much blah blah blah" that does not help. Because they weren't that happy in the first place. I know you don't want to hear that, but we don't randomly lose attraction if everything is dandy. Either that or she's met someone else who's sparking her interest.
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