broken2828 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 My ex and I were together for five years. Three of those years we spent apart, the last two we lived together. She loved me very much. Her love for me was so strong I can't even begin to explain. I was more aloof, while she pursued me. Objectively, I'd say she found me more physically attractive than she found herself. She was my best friend's cousinn and I loved her from afar for about a year before we dated. I'm a very romantic guy and I'm prone to sweet romantic gestures. Every holiday was punctuated by very thoughtful gifts from me to her. Every day before I left for work I'd leave her a love note professing my love to her. I would leave little notes around the house for her to find during the day. If I was around when she woke up, I waited on her hand and foot, bringing her her medicine and preparing breakfast for her. When we were in the car, we'd sing pop songs together. Many days we spent driving back and forth between our homes singing Bruno Mars and Adele together, holding hands. I brushed her hair out of her eyes. I rubbed her back and feet. For five years right up until the last day. There was an intense connection between us. About three years in she got a great job many miles away from our home towns. She asked me to follow her there. I did. It was our first time living together. That's when some problems started. I was very particular about how I had things around the home. I was very particular and demanding about everything. If she fell short of my impossible standards I'd criticize her very harshly. When she told me these criticisms made her feel bad about herself I didn't believe her. There were a few reasons I didn't believe her. They aren't good reasons, they aren't excuses, they're my own stupid reasons. I thought, how could criticism about menial tasks like the dishes or the mopping hurt her self esteem? I see now how they can. I was harsh and sarcastic and demeaning. I never called her names, but I often accidentally implied that she was stupid or incapable. Nothing could be further from the truth. She's far more capable than I and extremely intelligent. But, I see now that is how my parents raised me. If my room was dirty, they would call me a slob. If I wanted more than I deserved, they'd call me a spoiled brat. Again, this doesn't excuse my behavior, and in the end I'm fully responsible, I'm just trying to provide context, not a justification. At first she tried her best to please me. Then she just gave up. We loved to play a certain game together. But, I was so critical of how she played ("hurry up dude, how long does it take? Are you not paying attention?") that she stopped playing with me. This upset me because some of my fondest memories with her are of playing that game. How did I respond? It made me sad, but I expressed my sadness as anger. I do believe I ended up abusing her verbally. I was sarcastic, mocking and I devalued and discounted her ideas and opinions. Which brings me to my next point. I'm a very emotional person. Or as she likes to say, "dramatic". When I get upset or hurt, I express it as anger. I was angry all the time. If we had an argument I would find myself talking in a very aggressive manner. This scared her, in part because she and her family are not expressive people at all. Everyone was very calm in her home when she was growing up. My outbursts seemed extreme and terrifying. She is a very calm, shy, passive person. She would just shut down. At first we talked about this in terms of my temper. My temper was a known issue in the relationship, but whenever we addressed it she either assured me she loved me the way I was or that we would work it out. I was proud of my temper. I thought myself as a hot tempered, fiery, passionate, irishmen. I thought it made me manly to have a temper and didn't really work too hard to abolish it. I would usually feel terrible when I made her upset during arguments and would try to apologize and make her feel better, but the problem is I didn't always notice when she was upset. She had other pet peeves, too. I was too hard on our pets. I used fear to control them. If they pooped in the house, I would hold their nose to it and yell at them. I threw empty pop bottles in the direction of our cats in order to scare them off damageable furniture or to break up fights. I terrorized her cat. I had some twisted vendetta against it. It often woke me up at odd hours. If I fell asleep on the couch it would meow incessantly until I woke. Not good reasons to terrorize it, though. I would chase it around, trying to terrify it to stay away from me. She must have decided that I was cruel from seeing this happen. One big thing was we were fighting over how I treated my cat. I picked my cat up by the scruff of the next and tossed it about 1 foot. It was a very gentle, underhand toss, and I thought being a cat she could handle the fall. She landed on her feet. I told my ex that if she didn't leave me alone, "I'd kill the ing cat". I didn't mean that. It was extremely stupid. Another flaw of mine was how I treated strangers. I wouldn't get out of anyone's way. I would just bump into them rather than saying excuse me. I just traveled in a straight line and demanded people jump out of my way. I'm extremely kind at times, I'll hold open the door for several people, help and old lady with a heavy object, strike up a friendly conversation with service people. BUt I'm also likely to say or do something rude to someone I perceive as rude or disrespectful to me. She wanted very badly, for many years, for us to get married and have children. I was never receptive. Before the breakup I can tell she tried for months to fix things, in her own way. She watched movies I enjoyed with me, took me on vacations, did many things to please me. Three weeks before the breakup she said she'd do anything to make it work because she was sure I was the man she wanted to be with forever. Then, seemingly out the blue, she dumped me. Here is the email she wrote when breaking up with me... Robert, So we have a lot of very big differences that we can't fix. I want you to understand these are differences and not ways you are bad. I'm very worried about giving you all these specifics because I know your tendency to agonize over things. But you insist... The first issue is your temper. Not just with me but with everyone. You will get so angry with everyone and everything. You seem barely in control at the best of times, I worry about what might happen if something really bad actually happens. It Is not acceptable to rage on people at the grocery store because they are standingin the isle before you get there and don't rush to get out of your way. Which is another thing that I have a problem with. You have an attitude of the world revolves around you. Everyone has to get out of your way, the banks have to change the rules for you, everything needs to work the way you think it should, everything has to be done your way or it wrong, stupid, or a conspiracy to screw you over. Life has rules, people have their own minds, and you can do absolutely nothing about it. You need to learn there are billions of people on this earth you are really not that important in the big picture. Part of that is why you bully me. You can not accept the fact that you are wrong or can't change my mind. I have my own thoughts and feelings andideas. You just don't listen. You just wait to talk. Conversation has to go how you want, about what you want, for as long as you want, when you want. You don't care about how the other person feels, if they don't want to talk, how hurt they get, or how much you mess with their head as long as you get what you want. In the end that's all that matters to you. Any means to your end. We have very different ideas of how to raise children. I could never trust you to discipline our kids. I would always be terrified you would hurt them the same way you've hurt me. I would alwaysbe afraid they would grow up thinking its okay to put people down, to make fun of people, to make people feel bad to get what they want. I will raise my children to look at the world as a beautiful place full of wonderful people. I think you would raise them to look at the world as a dirty gross place full of mean people trying to hurt them whether you mean to or not. And intentional or not I'm not okay with that. I don't think you are grown up enough to be a husband and a dad yet. I think you need to grow up a whole lot before you can be. And I am not willing to wait anymore. You just don't have the mindset to change. You telling me that you have in this short week just proves to me you don't understand what growing up really is. And you just pushing and bullying and not listening proves my point. You don't understand when I hurt, when things are important to me what really matters in life. For instance family. You can't expect to be the man in my life and ignore the most important people in my life. I need my husband to be at family holidays and see my parents more than that. My husband needs to know my parents and they need to know him. They have to understand each other. I need to be respected at the highest levels. Now mean respect, not always getting my way or being right but respected. You say I gave you no warning, but I say you didn't listen. I gave you all the warnings, gave you all the signs, told you in no uncertain terms we have to solve our problems. Robert if you had been paying attention you would have noticed I stopped talking about babies and marriage months ago. You just never noticed I gave up. You are right that I brought it back up during that phone call. It was a desperate cry from a desperate woman. It wasn't right and I'm sorry. But even I get to screw up when I hit the point where I realize everything I've wanted has fallen apart. Robert I'm going to sum it up with this - you have a lot of learning and growing and softening to do. You have obviously not figured it out yet and it is gonna take a lot of time and effort to get there. It's not something you do in a few days or weeks or even months. This is something that you should have started learning and working on 10 years ago. This is the kinda stuff you should have learned in high school. I'm sorry you never did because it is certainly burning you now. Now, I wrote a long email detailing what I did wrong and how sorry I was and she was very receptive. She said thank you for listening to her and finally respecting her. However, I blew it by going right back into begging and making excuses. I honestly believe I can change the things she was so turned off by, for many reasons. I'm actually a pretty kind person, though you wouldn't think so from reading this post. It has been one month since the split. Sometimes she is kind and sympathetic when we speak. Other times she is extremely uncharacteristically angry or she makes an excuse not to talk. She said she wants to be friends but it kills me to hear her be so cold with me. I send her texts and try to call every few days. What should I do?
Eddie007 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 You should leave her alone and let go. Take this time to really work on your issues so by the time you are ready for another relationship you will be a better person
Hoosfoos Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Criticism is one of Gottman's 4 Horsemen of relationship apocalypse. It is very hard to undo the damage from constant criticism. I was on the recieving end with a critical partner and I eventually ended up feeling like sh it because of it. What's interesting about you is that you were aware of your character flaws, but you were unwilling to do anything about them. 1
Elle1975 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 They say that before having kids with someone, you should have pets. I can't help thinking about the way you treated your pet. Not only it's wrong, it's ineffective. I shiver to think what damage you could inflict on a child, and I encourage you to look up terms such as positive regard or positive reinforcement, if you still wish to have kids. I would advise to see a psychologist, especially about your controlling and anger issues.
Author broken2828 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 I wasnt aware, though. It took the breakup to open my eyes. Before that i thought our relationship was great and i was a great guy. When she left i did a lot of soul searching and actually listened to what she had to say. I didnt like what i realized about myself.
Alexjones1 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Super long. My question is this. You spent 5 years with her. Why was marriage not on the table?
Author broken2828 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 Super long. My question is this. You spent 5 years with her. Why was marriage not on the table? It totally was. I was planning to propose. I guess I was just stalling. I didnt know how much it meant to her.
Alexjones1 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Ok. I will give you my honest opinion. She feels the same right now as you do. So you can stop worrying. She thinks about you just the same as you to her. Give her space. Don't contact her. Reflect on your part of the relationship. Remember what may the good times great. Figure what you can do to yourself to make yourself a better person if you were never with her to begin with. After a month. Reach out to her. Then tell her the truth. If you want marriage. Don't just say it. ****ing do it! If you don't then just be happy for the both of you. It's called compromise buddy. Women need it way more than us men. When they get it, well we get anything we want from them. Goodluck!
Author broken2828 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 Ok. I will give you my honest opinion. She feels the same right now as you do. So you can stop worrying. She thinks about you just the same as you to her. Give her space. Don't contact her. Reflect on your part of the relationship. Remember what may the good times great. Figure what you can do to yourself to make yourself a better person if you were never with her to begin with. After a month. Reach out to her. Then tell her the truth. If you want marriage. Don't just say it. ****ing do it! If you don't then just be happy for the both of you. It's called compromise buddy. Women need it way more than us men. When they get it, well we get anything we want from them. Goodluck! Dude, your post made me so happy. And you have no idea how much I appreciate your kind words. However, I feel as if you're a bit optimistic. I have a lot of work to do on myself before I should even dare to approach a girl this special. I'm a worm vying for the love of a goddess. I'm going to work so hard on all my faults and change myself into a great man. Then, I'm going to ****ing marry this girl. Thank you for your support.
Alexjones1 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Dude, your post made me so happy. And you have no idea how much I appreciate your kind words. However, I feel as if you're a bit optimistic. I have a lot of work to do on myself before I should even dare to approach a girl this special. I'm a worm vying for the love of a goddess. I'm going to work so hard on all my faults and change myself into a great man. Then, I'm going to ****ing marry this girl. Thank you for your support. Ok you kind of got it but missed the point. You are the prize. This girl is going to marry YOU. Not the other way. Be the man. Be strong. Be a badass. Be the one who doesn't budge. Be the one who listens and doesn't speak. In all my years of negotiations. He who speaks first loses. Everything has a positive outcome. When you open your mind to this you become attractive. Women ****ing love it!
Alexjones1 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Oh and one more thing. Pay close attention here. Don't tell a woman your going to do something. Be a man and just do it. Allow her to see it and not hear it. When you tell them I am changed or I am going to change. You look like you need there support in it. Key word in my last sentence is need. Men don't need jack ****. We ****ing want things. That's how we get it done! Goodluck bud!
Allumere Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Ok. I will give you my honest opinion. She feels the same right now as you do. So you can stop worrying. She thinks about you just the same as you to her. Give her space. Don't contact her. Reflect on your part of the relationship. Remember what may the good times great. Figure what you can do to yourself to make yourself a better person if you were never with her to begin with. After a month. Reach out to her. Then tell her the truth. If you want marriage. Don't just say it. ****ing do it! If you don't then just be happy for the both of you. It's called compromise buddy. Women need it way more than us men. When they get it, well we get anything we want from them. Goodluck! ah.....I don't think she is waiting for that proposal or wanting one from you. It sounds like again, and again, and again you exhibited poor behavior. You were controlling, verbally abusive and completely lacked empathy. She simply woke up. All the romantic gestures in the world would not win back a woman who had broken out from that environment and regained their self esteem. And her close relationship with here family further enforces her decision. Do you not think this is something she has discussed with them? I can guarantee they have expressed their opinions and no doubt strengthened her resolve to come to this conclusion. Look, I don't know you. I don't think you are Satan but based on your confession you have a mega-ton of issues to address. This is not going to be done in a month. Any attempts before you have gotten your act together will fail 100% because something will happen, you will resort to an old behavior and she will run so far and quick you'll be left dumbfounded. You have to let her go right now. You need to become a better man and once you are headed in the right direction your life will be better than you ever thought whether you reconnect with this young woman or not. You need to become better for you.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Ok. I will give you my honest opinion. She feels the same right now as you do. So you can stop worrying. She thinks about you just the same as you to her. Give her space. Don't contact her. Reflect on your part of the relationship. Remember what may the good times great. Figure what you can do to yourself to make yourself a better person if you were never with her to begin with. After a month. Reach out to her. Then tell her the truth. If you want marriage. Don't just say it. ****ing do it! If you don't then just be happy for the both of you. It's called compromise buddy. Women need it way more than us men. When they get it, well we get anything we want from them. Goodluck! Nowhere did I get that she wants to be with him anymore. Not one. She wants to be done and I seriously doubt they ever get back together. Giving the OP that hope will drive her away more. She checked out months ago. OP, you screwed the pooch too much here. The only thing you can do is let it go. Fully.
Elle1975 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) Ok. I will give you my honest opinion. She feels the same right now as you do. So you can stop worrying. She thinks about you just the same as you to her. Give her space. Don't contact her. Reflect on your part of the relationship. Remember what may the good times great. Figure what you can do to yourself to make yourself a better person if you were never with her to begin with. After a month. Reach out to her. Then tell her the truth. If you want marriage. Don't just say it. ****ing do it! If you don't then just be happy for the both of you. It's called compromise buddy. Women need it way more than us men. When they get it, well we get anything we want from them. Goodluck! No, she doesn't. The OP reminds me of my ex: always angered, always road raging, always blaming his problems on others. I broke up and did not look back. He asked me why, and I was honest about the reasons leading to our final break up. He swore up and down he'd change, and I still was just so happy to be free, I had no interest in trying again. For him to become a better man, he'll need professional help, as his issues are serious. He surely doesn't need to put in place some made up scheme based on made up gender based stereotypes. OP it's a good thing you want to fix your issues, but it means squad till you make the actual step of seeking help. Edited June 9, 2014 by Elle1975 1
NC-Thomas Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) I've read your post and it's like I hear myself talking. OP, I feel like I really know you, because I share your character traits in so many ways. I just got out a 2 year relationship, been in NC for 2 weeks now. My girlfriend ended the relationship for the exact same reasons: - I called her dumb and incapable (just like you did) - I always criticized her - I have a short temper and I can be really angry for small things - I prefer things to go my way I felt like as if I had never gotten a real change to better my behavior when she ended it. That's because I didn't listen and I was too busy with my work, my sick dad etc. Now I suffer the consequences. Now listen up, even though it might seem that a big part of the RS flaws was caused by you, but bare with me here. Did she ever clearly communicated that she didn't like your behavior? Mine didn't and kept it to herself a lot. So it just went on and on, until she cracked and finished it. Now she is free again, away from my criticism, and I doubt she will ever return. You know why? Because she feels terrible around me, because I had constantly criticized her. I learned the following: - nobody is perfect, everybody is flawed in some way. Criticizing their flaws will not help, work to a solution instead or leave the RS. - communicate and listen in your RS Going back to her will not solve anything, you are still you, that will not change in a month. even if you go back, how long can you "try" being the person she wants you to be? It will end up the same way. I think she lost her trust in you being her husband, and trust is something that takes a while to build up again. She has clear doubt to you being her partner in the longer term and has valid reasons for that. You can't just " fix " this in a week. NC is the only option (for me it still is). Continue chasing her will scare her away and you will lose yourself, your dignity and self respect along the way. I think you need a partner that communicates early on that she WILL not tolerate your behavior like that. I think your ex just kept it to herself alot and ended the RS long before the let you know. And because you did'nt listen (like me), it came as a surprise. Edited June 9, 2014 by NC-Thomas
SoleMate Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 She was nice enough to give you a punchlist, so I suggest you work on that. Books, support groups, counseling, anger management, relationship skills........and do ALL the homework! 2
umirano Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Your ex did you an incredible favor, you know? Real, honest criticism like that is very valuable because we never can see ourselves for what we really are and how we impact other people. You should take her advice to the heart. Look deep inside and work on the negative traits she listed. It will take more time than a few months. Probably five years is more like it, if you are disciplined. I also inherited/learned a few unpleasant traits from my parents. It took my most recent ex and the one before to make big changes for the better, we're talking about a total of ~6 years and I'm sure I'm not done yet. Celebrate that your ex made you the biggest gift anyone could ever give you. It'd be awesome to have someone like that to go to and ask every few months or years for honest criticism. Good luck
KaliLove Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 So OP, what are you doing to start fixing all of your issues? Abusers can be reformed..you'll just have to work very hard at it. Stay away from animals though.
Chi townD Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Dude, I'm gonna be blunt with you. You're holding onto false hope where there's no hope to be had. You burned her one too many times and she pulled the plug on the relationship. Okay, so you weren't boyfriend of the year! Actually, you sounded kind of like a douche rocket. BUT! at least you can realize your mistakes. So, work on the only thing you can right now and that's you! Go no contact on her, you must delete her off of all your social media and block her on your Facebook. Trust me on this one. Her girlfriends are circling the wagons around her and I can guarantee that they'll be trying set her up on dates to help her get over you. The last thing you need to see is a status update with someone asking her how her date went. That day is coming, so block her. You don't need to see that. Go NC on her and start living your life as if she isn't coming back, because chances are....she's not. Sorry.
Author broken2828 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 ah.....I don't think she is waiting for that proposal or wanting one from you. It sounds like again, and again, and again you exhibited poor behavior. You were controlling, verbally abusive and completely lacked empathy. She simply woke up. All the romantic gestures in the world would not win back a woman who had broken out from that environment and regained their self esteem. And her close relationship with here family further enforces her decision. Do you not think this is something she has discussed with them? I can guarantee they have expressed their opinions and no doubt strengthened her resolve to come to this conclusion. It's an odd situation. We were together for five years, and my temper has been there the whole time. She begged me to marry her and have kids until a few months before the end. We had a phone conversation about a week ago and I stated that it was probably a good thing we didn't get married because we had all these underlying issues I wasn't aware of. She yelled back, in tears, something to the effect of "No, that would have fixed it. That would have been giving me what I wanted!" While I agree I should have been more empathetic, I didn't completely lack empathy. If she said she had a bad day at work I would clean the house, make her dinner, buy her flowers, etc. If she called and asked about what she should do about a problem at work, I would tell her to trust her gut because she was great at her job and excellent with people (as a specific example). I'd cover her with a blanket if she was cold, rub her back if it hurt. I did have some empathy, I just didn't understand any way but my way. As far as controlling, I wouldn't say that at all. I never told her what she could and could not do. I was just stubborn about what we would do, and was sometimes uncompromising or not generous enough with giving her what she wanted. But if she wanted to go out for beers with a bunch of her co-workers (they're mostly male) I would say go right ahead baby. She would ask if I was sure, she almost seemed guilty. I would assure her that she could see me any ol' time, and that I was happy she was making friends. She wanted to go to Haiti to do volunteer work, and while the idea of her doing that scared the crap outta me I never objected. I never really stood in her way about doing anything she wanted. You have to let her go right now. You need to become a better man and once you are headed in the right direction your life will be better than you ever thought whether you reconnect with this young woman or not. You need to become better for you. I agree. I'm going to let her be free, but I'm going to work on myself as hard as I can, get counseling, and try my best within reason to rebuild some kind of connection.
Author broken2828 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 Your ex did you an incredible favor, you know? Real, honest criticism like that is very valuable because we never can see ourselves for what we really are and how we impact other people. I agree 100% She was nice enough to give you a punchlist, so I suggest you work on that. Books, support groups, counseling, anger management, relationship skills........and do ALL the homework! Again, I agree.
Author broken2828 Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 So I wanted to update everyone. I've signed up for counseling and therapy, sought free counseling at loveisrespect.org, read a ton of anger mgmt, relationship, and self help books, talked to many friends (including a woman who was abused and a former counselor), I've got two jobs, post on many forums for advice, read many articles about bullying in relationships and I'm generally trying to be a better man. Unfortunately, she's with a better man, hooked up with him less than two months after our split. She just broke the news the other day. It hurt like hell. She still wants to stay in contact, once or twice a month. I'm not so sure how that could possibly work out. I don't want to tell her no, as I don't want to make it appear that I'm being petty or that I don't care, but I also think it would be hard for me to talk to her and hear his voice in the background, or to hear her accounts of their fun times spent together. I feel as if the community has generally been pretty harsh on me. I purchased and read "Why Does He Do That", a great book about abusive men, and I exhibit basically none of the traits therein. I don't think I was abusive per-say, just critical with a bad temper. I understand it's a fine line, but I feel as if she may have exaggerated things in order to justify her decision, and I may have exaggerated the situation due to tremendous guilt and regret. Don't get me wrong, I'm still very upset about what I've done and the damage it has caused to her and to our relationship, but I think it falls just short of abuse. Maybe I'm wrong, but hopefully a therapist can help me sort things out. Thank you all for taking your time to reply.
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) Please read the book "No More Mr Nice Guy". You display classic nice guy behavior. I'm guessing you grew up in a highly critical / authoritarian environment and no one ever paid any attention to your wants and needs. You developed a significant amount of toxic shame. Ask me how I know?? As for your ex? Yup, she's gone and doubtful will be back. Women don't do this. She decided long before breaking the news to you, and it's very unlikely she will change her mind. But, you can work on your issues for your next RS. That is if you want a different outcome... Edited June 23, 2014 by mtnbiker3000
Author broken2828 Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) Please read the book "No More Mr Nice Guy". You display classic nice guy behavior. I'm guessing you grew up in a highly critical / authoritarian environment and no one ever paid any attention to your wants and needs. You developed a significant amount of toxic shame. Ask me how I know?? As for your ex? Yup, she's gone and doubtful will be back. Women don't do this. She decided long before breaking the news to you, and it's very unlikely she will change her mind. But, you can work on your issues for your next RS. That is if you want a different outcome... Dude, as much as I appreciate input, it's not nice guy behavior. Far from it, opposite of it actually. I wasn't attentive enough to her needs. I didn't compromise properly. I argued and fought instead of discussed. I threw my temper around to get my way. I criticized her unnecessarily. I didn't notice the classic, telltale signs a woman is falling out of love. How does any of that lead you to the conclusion that it was "nice guy syndrome"? I view it as being terribly immature, with some bad habits and behaviors that I've picked up over the years. I also learned the powerful lesson of never taking the woman you love for granted, no matter how much she pursued you during the first part of the relationship. I wish I had been a "nice guy". Girls like bad boys. Women love good men. Edited June 23, 2014 by broken2828
Chi townD Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I feel as if the community has generally been pretty harsh on me. I purchased and read "Why Does He Do That", a great book about abusive men, and I exhibit basically none of the traits therein. I don't think I was abusive per-say, just critical with a bad temper. I understand it's a fine line, but I feel as if she may have exaggerated things in order to justify her decision, and I may have exaggerated the situation due to tremendous guilt and regret. Don't get me wrong, I'm still very upset about what I've done and the damage it has caused to her and to our relationship, but I think it falls just short of abuse. Maybe I'm wrong, but hopefully a therapist can help me sort things out. Thank you all for taking your time to reply. I feel as if she may have exaggerated things in order to justify her decision I would agree with this assessment. I'm still very upset about what I've done and the damage it has caused to her I serious doubt that you caused any long term damage to her. She moved on from you WITHIN two months of you and had no regard to your five year relationship and seems quite happy with how her life is right now. However, if you were such the "asshat" then why does she want to continue contact with you? If you were that bad, she would want nothing to do with you. Dude, cut your losses, forget about her and move on, and for Pete sakes, block her on Facebook. Go back and read my posts.
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