True Gent Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I still think of her everyday. Not in a love or desire kind of way. Not in a misty eyed nostalgic kind of way either. I don't even think I miss her, the memories are tainted. Yet not one day has passed where I don't think of her at some point and her boyfriend who she lined up. 9 years together and she crapped all over our life and threw me to the side. The anger is still raw for me. I've been on line dating, just casual going for drinks/dinner a bit of kissing. Nothing really serious. I've been spending time with buddies and doing my own things which interest me. There's just a hole there in my life though... It's not going away or being filled. I want at least one day to pass where I don't think about what she did. I want to fall in love again and also be able to believe in it. 2
Mla Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Ur doin so much better than u think I'm bit longer gone than and don't feel any progress other than resorting to medication and helped me stop crying a bit but still cry It's natural to think n remember u can't jus switch off especially after all tht time together it's great ur not emotionally reminiscing though! Stay positive keep distracting yourself keep yourself busy I hope to get to your point soon and I was only together 8 months my issue is not believin il get someone who can tick all boxes again like I had n comparing struggling to give anyone else a chance n remain stuck missing etc After all this time on I feel I'm a joke knowin he's not suffering jus wish I could have a happy day and enjoy myself like u seem to be doin your on the right path keep up the good work
Raena Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 The same thing is happening for me. It's bizarre. I think it's a product of spending so much time with one person. She was a part of your life and it's hard to just not think about it. I think about my ex daily too. Some of it is because I'm still in the house that we had together. I see him every where I look. I think about him when I'm mowing the lawn, when I clean the house, when I drive my car, when I'm laying in bed, when I'm doing laundry, when I was laying in the hospital about to get surgery and on and on and on. Sometimes random thoughts just pop up when I least expect it. Other times I sit down and really think about what happened between he and I. Either way, he's on my mind every single day. I wonder sometimes if he's doing the same on his end. I doubt it, he's probably doing everything he can to forget about me. It doesn't really matter if he is thinking of me. I too wish I could just erase him from my thoughts for even one full day. It would be nice to just forget about it... the good, the bad... all of it. Sometimes the good times are worse to think about than the bad. At least with the bad I feel justified for walking away. The good times make me miss him and I don't want that! I don't want to miss him. I'd rather feel indifference than this aching hole in my heart. I hope it gets better for you (and for me). Seems like eventually it will just fade away and I won't think about it as much. It is already getting to be less and less than it was.
dclan Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I still think of her everyday. Not in a love or desire kind of way. Not in a misty eyed nostalgic kind of way either. I don't even think I miss her, the memories are tainted. Yet not one day has passed where I don't think of her at some point and her boyfriend who she lined up. 9 years together and she crapped all over our life and threw me to the side. The anger is still raw for me. I've been on line dating, just casual going for drinks/dinner a bit of kissing. Nothing really serious. I've been spending time with buddies and doing my own things which interest me. There's just a hole there in my life though... It's not going away or being filled. I want at least one day to pass where I don't think about what she did. I want to fall in love again and also be able to believe in it. I was sort of on a similar situation as yours, 8 year relationship. And I went through the same thing you are going through, 12 months into de BU and I still get thoughts in my head about her. It is not missing her, or nostalgia, its just the feeling of sharing your life with her, like you used to. The problem is the time u spent with her...it was a long time, so it will be long before your mind stops thinking about her. Its because you are used to having your whole world revolve around her. For example: when I was 11 months into the break up, one night I was watching a very funny movie on tv, and when I finished watching, the first thing that came to my mind was:" Oh I would love to talk to her about this movie, and tell her she should watch it!"---despite the fact that I didn't love her anymore. Its as if my body and mind is just on auto-mode to care/think/relate to her. When ever something happens to me, either good or bad, I just get this feeling of talking to her, because that used to be the way things were. Something funny happens, I wanted to tell her so she would laugh. Something bad happens, I wanted to tell her so she would know. Something weird happens, I wanted to tell her so she can voice her opinion. But with time, those things slowly dissapear. Its just your body and mind are used to think of her whenever something happens---its just a habit. Let me give another example: are/were you a smoker at some point in your life? or do you have any friends/family that smoke and stopped smoking? When a person stops smoking, even if they don't have any cigarrettes on them, they still sometimes put their hands in the posture of holding a cigarette, as if they were holding an imaginary one with their 2 fingers, usually when they are doing something that used to include smoking a cig (for example if you are having a conversation with them in the park, that would be the perfect timing for a cig, so their body reacts the same way). Its just force of habit, and u'll get over it eventually. 2
rec88 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I totally know how you feel. I can't define it either. I know she's not good for me and that she chose another path in life. She is a totally different person than the one I once loved and that's ok. But dammit if I can't go one day without thinking about her. Can't figure out why or what I'm looking for. It just happens. It's ok though. I'm in a place where I know I'm going to be fine even if I don't ever find another, even if I have my down days. Like you, I would like to be able to believe it can happen again. I guess I'll know it when I see it.
Raena Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I think dclan is onto something. That's exactly what it feels like.... a habit. You get in the habit of including that person in your thoughts daily and your brain can't break it as easily as you'd like it to. Gotta keep busy with stuff that doesn't make you think about her. Kind of like breaking the habit of smoking... one of the first things to do is to change your routine's so that you aren't always having those triggers. I like that analogy dclan... spot on... wish I could like your post a thousand times because you nailed it. (for me anyways) 1
dclan Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) I think dclan is onto something. That's exactly what it feels like.... a habit. You get in the habit of including that person in your thoughts daily and your brain can't break it as easily as you'd like it to. Gotta keep busy with stuff that doesn't make you think about her. Kind of like breaking the habit of smoking... one of the first things to do is to change your routine's so that you aren't always having those triggers. I like that analogy dclan... spot on... wish I could like your post a thousand times because you nailed it. (for me anyways) Hehe , thnx. Its just like somking, really. I used to be a smoker, haven't smoke a cig in 2 years. However, sometimes when I'm feeling a little nervous, the first thing I do is reach for the pocket I would usually place my cig pack. But there are no more cigs in that pocket anymore :lmao:. Its just how my body reacts when something annoys me. I used to get distracted by having a smoke, now I don't smoke anymore, but my body still reaches for that pack. Your body needs to adapt too Edited June 9, 2014 by dclan
Author True Gent Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) Ur doin so much better than u think I'm bit longer gone than and don't feel any progress other than resorting to medication and helped me stop crying a bit but still cry It's natural to think n remember u can't jus switch off especially after all tht time together it's great ur not emotionally reminiscing though! Stay positive keep distracting yourself keep yourself busy I hope to get to your point soon and I was only together 8 months my issue is not believin il get someone who can tick all boxes again like I had n comparing struggling to give anyone else a chance n remain stuck missing etc After all this time on I feel I'm a joke knowin he's not suffering jus wish I could have a happy day and enjoy myself like u seem to be doin your on the right path keep up the good work I know what you mean about having doubts about finding someone else who'll tick all of the boxes again. The way I see it is though in reality did your ex tick every single box? I'm guessing they probably didn't, it's just a case of balancing the boxes they do tick. I'm determined to believe it will happen again, there are way too many people in the world for it to not happen again. It just might take a while. In a way I think my ex did me a favour by being a completely heartless and almost totally different person towards me at the end. It's helped me to knock her off the pedestal, so I no I have no want to even get sentimental over her. The same thing is happening for me. It's bizarre. I think it's a product of spending so much time with one person. She was a part of your life and it's hard to just not think about it. I think about my ex daily too. Some of it is because I'm still in the house that we had together. I see him every where I look. I think about him when I'm mowing the lawn, when I clean the house, when I drive my car, when I'm laying in bed, when I'm doing laundry, when I was laying in the hospital about to get surgery and on and on and on. Sometimes random thoughts just pop up when I least expect it. Other times I sit down and really think about what happened between he and I. Either way, he's on my mind every single day. I wonder sometimes if he's doing the same on his end. I doubt it, he's probably doing everything he can to forget about me. It doesn't really matter if he is thinking of me. I too wish I could just erase him from my thoughts for even one full day. It would be nice to just forget about it... the good, the bad... all of it. Sometimes the good times are worse to think about than the bad. At least with the bad I feel justified for walking away. The good times make me miss him and I don't want that! I don't want to miss him. I'd rather feel indifference than this aching hole in my heart. I hope it gets better for you (and for me). Seems like eventually it will just fade away and I won't think about it as much. It is already getting to be less and less than it was. I agree thinking of the good times is worse than thinking of the bad times. The good times obviously were good, but they are meaningless now. The fact is they weren't right for us and in the case of my ex for her to do some of the things she's done... Well, let's just say it's much easier accepting the fact that it's all dead and I actually don't want her either. For me moving into a new house with no trace of her or us helped me massively. I honestly think I would of cracked if I stayed where we used to live. I was sort of on a similar situation as yours, 8 year relationship. And I went through the same thing you are going through, 12 months into de BU and I still get thoughts in my head about her. It is not missing her, or nostalgia, its just the feeling of sharing your life with her, like you used to. The problem is the time u spent with her...it was a long time, so it will be long before your mind stops thinking about her. Its because you are used to having your whole world revolve around her. For example: when I was 11 months into the break up, one night I was watching a very funny movie on tv, and when I finished watching, the first thing that came to my mind was:" Oh I would love to talk to her about this movie, and tell her she should watch it!"---despite the fact that I didn't love her anymore. Its as if my body and mind is just on auto-mode to care/think/relate to her. When ever something happens to me, either good or bad, I just get this feeling of talking to her, because that used to be the way things were. Something funny happens, I wanted to tell her so she would laugh. Something bad happens, I wanted to tell her so she would know. Something weird happens, I wanted to tell her so she can voice her opinion. But with time, those things slowly dissapear. Its just your body and mind are used to think of her whenever something happens---its just a habit. Let me give another example: are/were you a smoker at some point in your life? or do you have any friends/family that smoke and stopped smoking? When a person stops smoking, even if they don't have any cigarrettes on them, they still sometimes put their hands in the posture of holding a cigarette, as if they were holding an imaginary one with their 2 fingers, usually when they are doing something that used to include smoking a cig (for example if you are having a conversation with them in the park, that would be the perfect timing for a cig, so their body reacts the same way). Its just force of habit, and u'll get over it eventually. This post I can really relate to. I've put in the bold the parts that I still find difficult. That is what I'm really struggling with. It's not her specifically it's all of those times when I was used to sharing moments and conversation with her. The fact that that's gone is strange. I am generally enjoying my life as much as can be expected given how much of my adult life revolved around her and us. I'm actually pretty surprised at how strong I am and I never knew it before. I just want one day to pass where she doesn't come into my mind. I know this will happen eventually. I totally know how you feel. I can't define it either. I know she's not good for me and that she chose another path in life. She is a totally different person than the one I once loved and that's ok. But dammit if I can't go one day without thinking about her. Can't figure out why or what I'm looking for. It just happens. It's ok though. I'm in a place where I know I'm going to be fine even if I don't ever find another, even if I have my down days. Like you, I would like to be able to believe it can happen again. I guess I'll know it when I see it. It's a blessing that they seem like totally different people. It really helps you fall out of love with them, even if the habit of sharing your life with them is hard to break. Never ever think you won't find another... it may be tomorrow, it may be next year, it may be 3 years, who knows? It will happen though, I'm sure if you stay true to yourself and who you are and just live your own life it's gotta come good. Loveshack is such an insightful forum. It's actually my favourite forum these days, because the advice is solid. People here know what you are going through and it's all pretty deep stuff that actually matters in life. Thanks all for your thoughts and experiences too. It really does help in a way that nowhere else can offer. I don't know anyone who's feeling or has felt my pain apart from the pages of these forums. Thank you. Edited June 9, 2014 by True Gent 2
Reels Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 You will probably think of her as much as you will find yourself free. Just keep doing something, and have a good sleep everyday. 1
FortunateSon Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I just passed a year a post BU and I still think of her everyday, but I think of her differently. There is not a longing to get back, more like reminders that are slowly fading. I wonder if she has these too? I think back to the previous 6 year relationship I had before my current ex and I am totally indifferent. This comforts me knowing I will eventually get to that point indifference with my "current" ex too.
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