blackwidow290 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Hello, I would like to share my story in hope of gaining some deeper insight. I have recently ended a 4 year relationship. I'm 26, he's 33. We never lived together and we both have stable jobs. The relationship was good, almost ideal. The issue arose because I've been wanting to get engaged in the past year and have been waiting for him to be ready. He just says he's not ready, not even to move together. He's a very faithful, trustworthy guy and told me that he knew that I was the one, but that he is just happy with his life right now as it is. To me, the deeper commitment would mean a lot and it is something that I need emotionally as I love this guy very much. I am traditional and feel hurt by his reluctance. When I met him in the beginning, he seemed very marriage minded and even told me that if I wanted to move in with him, he'd do so the next day.. The end came as we were planning a romantic getaway. He told me that he is working hard to save 6000 for that trip.. which is a lot more than it actually costs. So I got my hopes up.. then he told me another time that he has been saving all this money to make a big contribution to his pension plan. So I felt misled again and could not take it anymore. I just left him and told him that I need to do this for myself, because I am tired of waiting. He just said ok. What am I to make of this? I think that 4 years is a very long time..
HappyLove Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 He just said ok? Wow he sure didn't fight for "the one". If marriage is what you want in life I don't see the point in wasting another four years. Go for what you want in life! In four years time he should know if he wants to marry you or not. That's plenty of time! 12
candie13 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 it's not about "sealing the deal" it's about spending time with the right partner. he'd only be wasting your time furthermore. You're not the one for him. Fair enough, now you know it. Move on and thank Lord you've realized this at 26 and not when you were in your 30s. cheers 11
ExpatInItaly Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 His response to your leaving is very telling, in my opinion. I would guess he's been having doubts for a little while, but didn't know how to communicate that. You've done the right thing. He was being honest that he's not ready; you don't want to be waiting around forever for him to get ready. That might have never happened. 10
HappyLove Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I expect a man I've dated only 4 months to say more than ok! I'd expect a bit more of a fight after 4 months. After 4 YEARS and this fool only said, ok? I hope you find a wonderful man who wants what you want OP! No point in wasting more time with this one. 6
Author blackwidow290 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Thank you for your responses. It means a lot to hear that I have done the right thing, no matter how difficult. I understand how his response might seem strange. He's always been like that during fights, very avoidant.. stonewalling. Deep down, while we fight, he feels infuriated. If it goes on for too long, he can no longer be avoidant, but he will get incredibly angry. Hence, when we fight.. its usually just me airing my discontents and getting more and more upset that he doesn't react.. and him trying to cut it short, before he explodes.
lollipopspot Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I know someone who had a similar situation, only they had been dating even longer. She broke up with him. Then sometime later - maybe a year, I don't remember - he came back and proposed, and now they're married. If marriage is what you want, it's right that you move on. 1
Targetlock Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I agree his reaction was very telling, if he wanted the relationship to last he would have fought for it rather than let it go like that. 1
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 About her boyfriend's reaction, he had a passive-aggressive reaction. He does care, he just won't show her so she can use it. I have seen that more than once in men. Doesn't mean they are meant to be together, doesn't mean he will change his mind, but I don't believe he is cold to her breaking up. OP you did the right thing. You are probably looking forward to settle, getting married, about children? You and him have different goals, at your age, after 4 years, this is now your path should split. 4
Wisecrack Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Sometimes one door closes for another to open. Sometimes the one we thought of was not really the one especially if your views do not match. You're still young to be honest. Get out there, have some fun and meet new people! 4
SadNLonley Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Give him time to think about it. If you are the one for him and he knows how important this means to you, he will come around. Dont wait on it though. Move on and enjoy life and learn what it is to be without him. If you dont do that, you will drive yourself crazy thinking and wondering about him. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I know this hurts, as it should and would anyone who is in your situation, but you did the right thing. He will never be ready to take it to the next level, at least, not with you. I wish I had a dollar for every man out there who has dumped me for some trashy woman, some even going as far as to marry them. No matter what his excuses, he doesn't deserve you. All I can say is that you did the right thing. So begins the healing. Can't say anything to help you with the depression and things that will accompany the process but ... it's what it is. 2
Author blackwidow290 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 It feels empowering to say enough, I have my limits. No, I don't think that he'll come back with a proposal, knowing him very well he's not the type of guy who can be pushed/pressured into that. He's too stubborn. And most importantly, I'm not the type of woman who'd want that. I'm a hopeless romantic and would have wanted him to feel it and do it by himself by now. I'd rather be on own, but still hopeful. Its unquestionable that I will feel down about this as I get over it, 4 years is not easy to get over.. but like I told this guy when I first met him is that sensitivity is my greatest strength. I'll love the next guy more for not being like the ones before. 5
turt Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 So yo have the perfect relationship but he doesn't want to get married yet so you dump him? Have you ever really discussed marriage with him? Or do you just want to bully him into marriage? 2
FitChick Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Look at him as your practice guy. You practiced having a relationship to find out what you will and will not tolerate. Now you know. You will have a much clearer picture of the man you want next time. Many times I've seen someone break up after a long, unsatisfying relationship only to find the perfect man or woman soon after. 3
Coil Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 after 4 years I cannot believe you two did not even at least live together....I think that you definitely made the right move. 2
spiderowl Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Souns like you did the right thing. The guy misled you from the start with what he said, giving you the wrong impression about his attitudes and intentions. He is not ready for commitment and you are, so you are best finding someone who is in keeping with your attitudes and values too. Staying with someone who never quite gives you what you want can be soul-destroying, believe me. 1
Author blackwidow290 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 In response to turt: I started mentioning marriage in the past year and he told me that I need to spend more time with his family if I want that. So I spent every holiday and event with them and put in a lot of effort. I get along really well and seem to be well liked. Now that this is no longer an issue, I am still hearing the same thing but with no reasoning behind it this time. He's still not ready and the news is that he doesn't want to live with me. So how am I bullying anyone by leaving? I feel that I was being bullied into a noncommittal relationship. I'm done with the guy, I am not aiming to manipulate him. Please. 12
HappyLove Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 So yo have the perfect relationship but he doesn't want to get married yet so you dump him? Have you ever really discussed marriage with him? Or do you just want to bully him into marriage? Bully him? He has every right not to marry her just like she has EVERY right not to waste another 4 years of her life! Just like he's doing what's best for him she's doing what's best for herself and going after what she wants in life. Why should she sit and wait for something that may never happen?! Two people who don't want the same thing except one is brave enough to move on and not lead on the other. 3
Priv Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I invite you to go look at the breakup/coping/seperation sections of this forum. Do you realise how many people would have given up a limb just for that reaction. I for one would have loved to go for that reaction, and I am sure many others would have wanted to too. I don't get the ex bashing because of his reaction. Not going to comment on whatever happened. It all seems pretty flimsy to me after a 4 year 'near perfect' relationship, all I hear is a major communiction failure (but that might still be the hurt person speaking). You had your reasons and you left. 1
DArtagnan2 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 If you are ready for marriage and he isn't, I can see why you left. But, to have a great or ideal relationship with someone is hard to come by and sometimes, compromises have to be made. It just depends on how much you want to compromise, and it appears, you are not wanting to compromise on this. 2
Million.to.1 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I think you did the right thing OP. I also think that you should reevaluate what marriage means to you. Expectation is the death of happiness. You thought he was going to buy you an engagement ring? He didn't so you doubted his lack of commitment. Maybe he doesn't see a overpriced chunk of rock dug up by poor slave African children as a symbol of love. You may be traditional and want romance... but don't build up proposals and rings in your head to mean something they are not. When my partner looks me in the eyes and talks about buying a boat and sailing around the islands with me when the kids we don't even have yet leave the house... That means more to me than a getting to wear a white dress and cut a cake. You may meet the perfect guy for you. But if marriage and a ring is what symbolises commitment to you... you are living in a dream land. Watch this.....
Author blackwidow290 Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) I am not sure what the thread of the conversation was, but the point is that I told him that if anything was to happen to him, something disabling and horrible in nature, I knew I'd continue loving him and caring for him. And I meant that. He was deeply touched. I am hard working and would go above and beyond for my family and loved ones. I never wanted an engagement for the material side of things i.e. the ring or to have a wedding. Just because someone highly values marriage does not mean they live in fantasy land. I have deep ties with most of my family members. No one in my family is divorced, my parents have been and are completely selfless when it comes to their family. We are eastern european, so the culture is different. I find my parents' commitment to family inspiring. I will do that for the person that shows me that he sees us as *a partnership*, rather than thinking of the self first..I did compromise on a few things to make things work - you always have to - but I can't compromise on marriage. To me it means that you are not afraid of sharing and opening up to another person. You are not afraid of sacrificing some things for the bigger picture. You know where your priorities lie. I initially decided to date him because he s close with his family, and has very loving and family oriented parents. Ending a long term relationship is difficult, but you can't compromise on *your* values. Life can be hard and if your partner can't even make up his mind on commitment after 4 years.. how are you going to cope with bigger challenges? These are my views. Edited June 10, 2014 by blackwidow290 2
Poppyolive Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I feel you did the right thing, I too was in a very similar situation, 5 years but he spoke of marriage and kids often. Saying he's ready, I'm the one, but just needs note time. He said that after 3 years together....after 5 years we were saving to get married... I was awaiting the proposal. All was great right? Then he dumped me, saying that's what he wants, but isn't ready yet and doesn't want to hold me back from having kids I was 31. What an ass he led me on. So.you Missy made a very great choice, took matters into your own hands. I attempted to leave like you, expressing that's where I am at and thatsehat I want...but always begged me to stay, saying give him another 6 months... What an ass..... You are brave with what you have done. All will be well. Hugs xxx 4
Author blackwidow290 Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 I apologize if I come across as moralistic guys. Like I said, I never tried or would try to impose my views about marriage on anyone else.
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