Philomena_Pond Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Hello! David and I broke up a month ago…we had an amazing relationship. Passion, lots of sex, love of communication, had fun doing anything together, but we just broke up kinda out of the blue. I say "kinda" because of this: A month and a half before our end, work got CRAZY stressful for me. CRAZY. I was working 14 hour days, some of which pushed into my time with him and parties that I was invited to with him. He saw me break down in front of him a few times, sobbing about how I hate my job. I do, it is terrible and yes I am trying to leave it currently (looking to transition into a different position at my same employer). When this happened, he started crying and telling me "I haven't told you this, but I want to get a better job so I can provide for you…I have been thinking really hard about quitting where I work now and get a better job so you don't have to work as much." I told him that it was sweet, but that I had a job and it's my responsibility to take care of myself…that I loved him, but we had only seen each other for 4 months at that point and I told him we need to take it day by day. Suddenly, he quit his job, got another job, was offered more money at the first job so stayed there and kept the second job…he started talking about buying a full vacation for us, putting money in my bank account, wanting to buy a new car, he bought new sheets and pillows and towels so I could be more comfortable when at his place…he was trying to change so much so quick. He would talk about feeling anxious all the time and that he has thought about his future in such a different way then he ever has before and that being with me made him think of his future in this way. Now I need to emphasize that I did NOT ask for ANY of this. I told him his car was enough, I never complained about his apartment, towels, bedding NOTHING. I always reassured him that he didn't need to do any of that, but he did and would kinda make sure I knew it was for me…Regarding his job, he would ask me my opinion about what he should do all the time and I would just say "I want you to make that decision as its not my place. But know that I'll support you through anything and love you no matter what decision you make." I also noticed this in the last 3 weeks of us: Whenever I would talk about my job he would shut down and tune me out…get calmly upset (just kinda look perturbed). He told me that he hated my job and what it did to me (make me sad and stressed, unable to really have time for myself or him). Then, my parents invited him over to meet them…and he was going to go to a couple of my friends weddings all in one weekend. He was excited at first and then started telling me how scary it was for him but that he still wanted to do it. He admitted that he has abandonment issues along with his last serious relationship before me being his ex-wife who was a total jerk (cheated on him many times and misguided him to quit his job as a touring drummer to get a "real" job (the one he was trying to quit) as a vintage audio supplier/tech). He told me that it was a lot really quickly, but that he still wanted to do it even though it made him nervous. One weekend, before the meet the parents and all the weddings weekend, I had a few friend parties that he was supposed to go to. I started getting really nervous something was up when he told me that he was too tired to go and was going to go to a movie with his best friend instead. I just had this sinking feeling and I told him it was important and asked him to come (in hindsight it wasn't important, I think my gut just knew something was up.) later in the night I called him after the parties were over and told him I was angry (this was our first fight). I told him that I didn't understand why he felt like it was okay to cancel on me last minute and that he didn't seem to care at all. He told me he didn't know why he didn't care, but that he didn't…and he ended it. The next day he came over to my house and told me, "I thought I could love for the first time in my life, you showed me love and I felt it so much, but I still hurt you…and I don't even know how. You're perfect and everything I could want and I just can't do this. I'm anxious and scared of my future and I feel like I wasn't ready to be in a relationship." He continued, "I just keep repeating to myself "if not her, who?" because I was sure you were going to be my wife…that YOU are the one I am supposed to be married to because I see you as my wife and our future, but I just can't do it…I don't know why." He was crying and eventually left.. I sobbed. Two weeks later we got together to hang out and he ended up kissing me…he then said he was really confused and still wanted to stick out his decision "for now". I asked him to reconsider, he said no. I told him "but you're my one" and he said "if that's true, then you have nothing to worry about…we'll find each other again in the future and it will work out…but for now we both have a lot of growing to do and I think I need to be alone to get to the point in my life where I need to be." *He also told me during this that he had started smoking a lot of weed since the breakup as a "happy buffer"* "What's next then? Are we gonna be friends? do we still talk or hang out once in a while?" I asked. He replied, "No, I can't just be your friend. Our connection and attraction is too strong…I couldn't just half be in your life, Sarah. We could get hurt that way and I don't want that." We hugged and kissed and told each other how wonderful the other was…and I left. He watched me drive all the way down the road from his porch with his hand up in a wave. He picked up his stuff from my place two weeks later, we chatted but not about our relationship or rekindling…just about our futures. *one weird thing was that he had his sunglasses on the entire conversation…he also told me he bought a $300 weed vaporizer, and gave me his pipe when we were exchanging our things* He said he wants to move to New York to do his music again (he was a touring drummer for ten years). I told him that a few months back when he asked my opinion about his work, that I wanted to tell him to pursue music, but I didn't want to tell him what to do because it's his life and it should be his own decision and I didn't want to cloud his head with my expectations of him. I told him "David, you are an incredible musician, you aren't supposed to be behind a desk. Also never let anyone or anything hold you back. You are amazing and you should do whatever you want whenever you want so you can be happy." and he thanked me and was also just as generous with compliments to me. We hugged goodbye and he kept holding me and increasing the hug to the point where his arms were totally wrapped around me and his head was nuzzled into my neck. When we broke the hug, we both didn't look at each other and just said goodbye and we walked away. The next morning he sent me a text saying that his car smelled like my perfume (the bag i gave him was in my room for 6 months). I didn't respond. I don't know what to do. I love him and I know I need to grow (get a new job and focus on myself right now with things) and I know he obviously needs to grow too…but what should I do? I haven't talked to him since he came by last week….We didn't share many phone calls or texts since the breakup and I have not done any desperate **** other than asking him to reconsider. Help! do you think we could reconcile? And if so, how?
umirano Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 It looks like we're in a somewhat similar place. We BU a few weeks ago and at first stayed in contact over social networks. We also are still in love but my ex is getting her life back on track (job, education) and tells me she wants to get back later. I don't get my hopes too high. I removed her then from the SN though, because being updated about what she does upsets me slightly. Or in case she changes her mind and gets with a new guy I don't want to learn about it via FB post. The cry for attention theory is correct. He wants a reaction out of you. I posted things on FB after BU just to see whether she even cares. After a few days I realized that isn't healthy and I removed her, untagged myself etc. I still love her, but I really can't expect her to keep her "promise" and neither can she. If I bump into someone gorgeous tomorrow it'll really suck when she comes back to me, same vice versa. So those cliff hanger BUs (let's get back together when things are better) aren't exactly making ones life easier. I'm trying very hard to stay hard NC. I've never messaged her myself, but I've replied so far. I'm confident (usually) that I'm not going to message her. But just this week I had a long party night with some friends and I really missed her like crazy when on the way home, because I used to take the same way with her and bc of other things that made me think of her. My reason for hard NC is that she'll be able to grow and realize that we should be back together. If she doesn't, then there's no point anyway. I will not get friendzoned by her! She either will have my children or I don't want to know the smallest thing about her life. And if you think about it, it's really complete NC that can do this. Talking to each other, trying to convince someone else to get back together, trying to sell someone a RS with you is just pathetic and it won't work. So I suggest you stay NC, see the value in not being connected on any of those SN and move on. You grow, and eventually, when he finished growing and realizes what he had in you, he will come back. Don't reach out to him. He dumped you, he has to 180 on that decision, he already knows you want him. You cannot talk someone else into wanting a RS with you, they have to want it, and the only way to make sure they really want to is making them ask you again. It's really that simple.
Author Philomena_Pond Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 Thanks so much for the reply!! Totally...no one should ever try to convince another to get into a relationship...I don't want to. I have too much respect for myself. I also value the time for growth and change. Also, he needs to know what life is like without me and from seeing his need to be high all the time now it seems like life without me kinda sucks. And frankly, his reaction to delete me from everything (he also deleted my friends from FB, but kept my sister?!?!!) kinda shows me how much he cares. Exes that don't care after the breakup don't do anything like that because you don't mean anything to them anymore. He has also not blocked me on gchat...and that's the tool we used to talk on every single day. After he picked up his stuff from my place, he sent a text the next morning saying "my entire car smells like your perfume" and I didn't respond. I have had full on NC for almost 2 full weeks now. By the time I finish a full 30 days of NC it will be 2 months since the breakup. I would love to initiate contact with him at that point just to reconnect...not talk about the relationship, just start talking again. I don't want to be friendzoned, but with the terms that we left on...I feel like I wanna at least try if he hasn't reached out to me by that point. Do you think that's a stupid idea?
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 He seems like a guy who keeps trying to change to please the women in his life & he hates who he is when he changes. I am not saying that you asked him to change but the fact is he was still trying to be something he's not so he could "provide" for you -- better sheets, better car, allowing you to quit your stressful job. Then he would get upset when he lost himself. I don't understand why it should be paralyzingly stressful for him to meet your parents & attend a wedding. He's a formerly married grown man not a teenaged boy. As for the fight -- you picked that fight & you know it. If an SO doesn't want to go to a party, that is not the end of the world. You tell them to get some rest & you let it go. The fact that you ragged on him about a last minute cancellation started all the drama. If that happened all the time, fine you get to call the person on it but once, it shouldn't have lead to a fight. Finally, he was smart when he said he couldn't just be your friend because it would be too painful. That's why he took you off social media. Seeing you happy hurt him. Let him grieve & heal in peace. 1
umirano Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Thanks so much for the reply!! You're welcome And frankly, his reaction to delete me from everything (he also deleted my friends from FB, but kept my sister?!?!!) kinda shows me how much he cares. Exes that don't care after the breakup don't do anything like that because you don't mean anything to them anymore. He has also not blocked me on gchat...and that's the tool we used to talk on every single day. Maybe he missed her when he removed people? I did the same, I went through my friends list and removed. A day or two later i noticed my friends number going down by one, I have no idea who it was (and I don't really care) but I assume it was one of our mutual contacts that I missed. I also didn't block my ex really. I just deleted her mobile and land line number and removed her from SN and IMs. In case she wants to one-eighty she has plenty of options. I will block her though if she keeps messaging me about meaningless stuff, i.e. friendzoning my a.ss. You could ask your sister to remove him. Do you think he'd want to make a move on her? Or is it likely that he was just sloppy and missed her? After he picked up his stuff from my place, he sent a text the next morning saying "my entire car smells like your perfume" and I didn't respond. That's great! It's just a bread crumb or the nostalgia talking. Don't take it seriously. I have had full on NC for almost 2 full weeks now. By the time I finish a full 30 days of NC it will be 2 months since the breakup. I would love to initiate contact with him at that point just to reconnect...not talk about the relationship, just start talking again. I don't want to be friendzoned, but with the terms that we left on...I feel like I wanna at least try if he hasn't reached out to me by that point. Do you think that's a stupid idea? I would not reinitiate contact. He dumped you and he can only sincerely undo that. But by reaching out you take this responsibility from him. Imagine this: He goes to NYC, tries his music, fails, some things don't work out, maybe a few dates that went sour and then he gets your reach out text. He can free of any risk grab the straw and get back with you to ease the pain from his disappointments, but it will not be a sustainable rekindling. It'll be over soon again. You can avoid that scenario by making sure the complete burden is on him. He broke up, only he can take that back.
Zahara Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I would love to initiate contact with him at that point just to reconnect...not talk about the relationship, just start talking again. I don't want to be friendzoned, but with the terms that we left on...I feel like I wanna at least try if he hasn't reached out to me by that point. Do you think that's a stupid idea? I think you should leave it alone. Let's be honest. There is no way that you can have communication with him without the expectation of wanting to reconcile. "Just start talking again" -- it's not that easy because deep down you want him. It will only cause you more hurt and pain. You said no one should ever convince another to get into a relationship. In that sense, you shouldn't try to scheme ways to keep communication with him because you fear him slipping away. He's chosen to end it. Let him go. Go NC and stay there. He let you go. Let him be the one to fix this, if he wants to. You focus on your work, and other areas in your life that you want to improve. As for social media, yes, he was probably hurt. But when you let someone go, you have no claim or right over what they do anymore. If he was so hurt and jealous, then he should be with you but if that isn't enough to nudge him back to you, then let him go sulk in the corner. He knows you love him and he knows he can fix this at any point and if he's not doing that even when there are possible signs you could be moving on, then that is your answer. 2
Author Philomena_Pond Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 He seems like a guy who keeps trying to change to please the women in his life & he hates who he is when he changes. I am not saying that you asked him to change but the fact is he was still trying to be something he's not so he could "provide" for you -- better sheets, better car, allowing you to quit your stressful job. Then he would get upset when he lost himself. I don't understand why it should be paralyzingly stressful for him to meet your parents & attend a wedding. He's a formerly married grown man not a teenaged boy. As for the fight -- you picked that fight & you know it. If an SO doesn't want to go to a party, that is not the end of the world. You tell them to get some rest & you let it go. The fact that you ragged on him about a last minute cancellation started all the drama. If that happened all the time, fine you get to call the person on it but once, it shouldn't have lead to a fight. There is a lot more to this than meets the eye. He doesn't change for his relationships...he's been really hurt and I think he finally found someone that he felt he wanted to actually work for even though he didn't have to work for me because he already had me completely. He was severely abused and molested as a boy and abandoned by his drunkard father. At age 15 his mother kicked him out of the house and he says she "hated" him. He slept on friends couches at night when their parents went to bed...at age 17 he became a touring drummer and bar-tended between tours. He told me he has never actually moved in to a home...even when he was married...his stuff was always in boxes. He has speed dated women like crazy, admitting to dating wrong girls in the past because he knew they were disposable. When he was 25 he was dating a girl who told him that she was madly in love with him and then cheated on him like crazy while he was on tour. She begged for him back and proposed to him after they dated for 6 months...he said he accepted because he wanted desperately to have a home and feel love from someone who would stick around forever. She ended up being extremely controlling and gaslighted him. He said that he felt like he was tricked. They were married for a year and divorced. Their entire relationship was a year and six months and he initiated the divorce. During their marriage, she convinced him that being a touring drummer was a immature job (he made so much money doing it) and that he needed to get a "real" job. She emotionally manipulated him into thinking that she was severely sick and that he needed to cancel his tour. He did and came home and he said she was jumping up and down with glee that he came back like a ****ing crazy person. (I can't believe he stuck with her) She got him a job as a storage room boy at a vintage audio supplier and he worked his way up to being a manager, still not making nearly the money he did as a touring drummer. She belittled him and made him lose himself. When he ended things with her he said he moved to an apartment by himself and changed his entire life...really broke down who he was. Started eating better, exercising, stopped smoking, stopped drinking...really changed everything about him. About a year after the divorce was finalized he started going to therapy. He said he wanted to change the way he felt about life and deal with his past so that he could love and be in healthy relationships. He started therapy 2 months before we started dating (we were talking at this time just as friends on the phone a lot). When we were just talking as friends he would tell me that he, for the first time in his life, felt really ready to settle down and be healthy in love. He went to therapy for his abandonment issues and made amazing strides. Against his therapist's suggestion to stay single for 6 months to a year during the therapy, he and I started seeing each other. He battled with not being ready for the relationship a lot and we would talk through it. He would say "I'm scared of being hurt again and you leaving me, but I don't want to let you go...and I want to work through how I'm feeling with you." A couple months into it, one night he started getting really scared saying, "I've always ended relationships with girls...they never meant anything to me...you mean so much to me and it's really scaring me. No one that I've cared about has ever stuck around. I'm afraid of you leaving me." I should have left him at that time so he could work on himself, but like that would have been the worst too! I just found this text that he sent me the day after that conversation. I told him I was sorry that he has so much pain from his past and he said, "It's a beautiful journey, so don't be sorry, Sarah. Every relationship I've been a part of has been easy and disposable, this feels different and I'm grateful. Nothing good comes without a struggle, I'm fascinated to see how this pans out, good or bad. You are such an incredible woman, and I thank you for being so honest and understanding. " I said "Thank you for being honest with me David. Big time. I think that you are an amazing person. If i didn't think that, I wouldn't waste my time. You deserve the best and I hope you know that." He said "I am so grateful for you, [my full name] You deserve the best as well, and I know the best will come to you...I'm so sure of it." I said, "I'm grateful for you too [his full name]. Just remember what a wise person told me once, "the what if's will kill ya." and he said "Sound advice. A person just like that told me 'anxiety is the great killer of love.' you and your patience mean the world to me." When he saw me in such hardtimes with my job he started telling me how much he wanted to provide..etc...When he started trying to change everything he would tell me how much anxiety he would have and how he never thought about his future the way he had at that moment. That I am the reason why he thinking about his future in this way. He would often tell me about how he would imagine me as his wife and wanted to work his way to that point. I would try to calm him down about his anxiety and remind him that we need to take it day by day. A few days before the relationship ended he came to me crying saying he was so scared to lose me but also scared that I was forever. He said "I feel like running away but I don't want to...I'm so scared about being hurt." I was terrified...I've been really hurt too...I felt him pulling away in the last week...when I would talk about work he would tune out, it was getting harder and harder to hang out with him because we started not having much time to actually hang out. Then that Saturday he lied and told me he was going to talk to his friend Ben about Ben's nervousness about his new relationship...not knowing whether he wanted to be in it. I had just talked to Ben and he was ecstatic about her so my antenna went up. I had a really bad feeling. I had a gut intuition..and YES I know it was my fault, but I got scared. I got so ****ing scared and I saw it as a sign of him running. It's so ****ing complicated and that's why i KNOW he needs this time alone. I know he needs it because someone can't heal from the **** he's been through when he is in a relationship, it is for the best right now. But I love him so incredibly and we shared an amazing relationship. Most supportive, loving, caring, honest boyfriend I had ever had. We had so much fun doing everything together. But being a social worker for children in foster care, I know the long term effects of abandonment. I also know that he needs to undergo some massive therapy to get to the point he needs to be. He would always talk about how he wanted to be totally opposite of his father...but when all you have known is abandonment...and the people that ARE supposed to love and care for you in your most formative years don't care at all....you get a little jacked up later on when you finally meet someone you want to commit to. My thing is, how long do I wait to reinitiate contact? Since the breakup I haven't texted or called him...he has called me. Or should I just move on and maybe he will reach out one day after this whole social network unfriending? I'm not waiting around, but at the same time I'm really NOT interested in dating or having sex with anyone and I do have my options. I really really really Don't want anyone else and even after over a month I feel like he's just on vacation. Maybe I need some therapy. .... How long do I wait until i reestablish contact? 1
Author Philomena_Pond Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 You're welcome Maybe he missed her when he removed people? I did the same, I went through my friends list and removed. A day or two later i noticed my friends number going down by one, I have no idea who it was (and I don't really care) but I assume it was one of our mutual contacts that I missed. I also didn't block my ex really. I just deleted her mobile and land line number and removed her from SN and IMs. In case she wants to one-eighty she has plenty of options. I will block her though if she keeps messaging me about meaningless stuff, i.e. friendzoning my a.ss. You could ask your sister to remove him. Do you think he'd want to make a move on her? Or is it likely that he was just sloppy and missed her? That's great! It's just a bread crumb or the nostalgia talking. Don't take it seriously. I would not reinitiate contact. He dumped you and he can only sincerely undo that. But by reaching out you take this responsibility from him. Imagine this: He goes to NYC, tries his music, fails, some things don't work out, maybe a few dates that went sour and then he gets your reach out text. He can free of any risk grab the straw and get back with you to ease the pain from his disappointments, but it will not be a sustainable rekindling. It'll be over soon again. You can avoid that scenario by making sure the complete burden is on him. He broke up, only he can take that back. I don't think there's any way he could have missed her...She posts every day all the time because she's a makeup artist. Also, my sister is very overweight and is a mess...there's no way he would want to hook up with her. And yes, you are right again...the burden is on him. I shouldn't chase him...it's just so hard because I just feel like he made the decision out of fear of his past instead of incompatibility. The whole relationship he would tell me that he was scared of losing me because no one has ever stuck around long enough to really give him real love. He was so scared. I know he needs to work this out on his own. It just sucks...And seeing me with another man so soon was probably a huge ****ing slap in his face because I told him I didn't want to date anyone. I wasn't dating...but it looks like that.
littleplanet Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Well I re-read the part about the breakup a couple of times. Sounds to me like there's something he's completely not ready for. His youth experiences sound familiar enough to recognize - but whatever arrested development that created, hasn't really been worked on enough. It's a rather telling thing though.....to be put back on the shelf as something he can return to if it is "meant" to be. That is a big red flag in my book. The kicker is when things aren't working, and both parties know it, and the solution seems obvious, and the rationality of a good mutual decision is a good thing to stand by - even if it is painful. This all makes sense. Seems to me that you don't quite believe that, though. Personally, I tend to think that social media has far too much power in people's lives these days. It can be ubiquitous, and sometimes needs to be managed like a corporate infrastructure. Creates complications that need not exist, and probably shouldn't - and especially in those vulnerable times when clear heads need to prevail. If he needs space to work on himself then that's what he should have. Whatever fear of his past exists, is probably stronger than any compatibility. Which means he isn't capable of handling a responsible relationship at this time. And the big one: You can't fix him. Understandable why you would want to. Lovers can heal each other when that's all they need.....is some healing. But if his greatest fear was that he was going to mess up with you, and he was absolutely convinced that this was true - maybe he did a responsible thing. In the meantime? You decide how much on a shelf you want to be. Life goes on. Sometimes people make decisions they wish they hadn't. Sometimes their decisions end up being good ones - proven over time.
umirano Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I don't think there's any way he could have missed her...She posts every day all the time because she's a makeup artist. Also, my sister is very overweight and is a mess...there's no way he would want to hook up with her. Ok, then you're not really bothered anyway by it. He was so scared. I know he needs to work this out on his own. It just sucks...And seeing me with another man so soon was probably a huge ****ing slap in his face because I told him I didn't want to date anyone. I wasn't dating...but it looks like that. I think you're right about that... As a guy myself I could see very well how he took it that way. Yep, he has to become more trustful by himself. It really is on him.
Author Philomena_Pond Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 Well I re-read the part about the breakup a couple of times. Sounds to me like there's something he's completely not ready for. His youth experiences sound familiar enough to recognize - but whatever arrested development that created, hasn't really been worked on enough. It's a rather telling thing though.....to be put back on the shelf as something he can return to if it is "meant" to be. That is a big red flag in my book. The kicker is when things aren't working, and both parties know it, and the solution seems obvious, and the rationality of a good mutual decision is a good thing to stand by - even if it is painful. This all makes sense. Seems to me that you don't quite believe that, though. Personally, I tend to think that social media has far too much power in people's lives these days. It can be ubiquitous, and sometimes needs to be managed like a corporate infrastructure. Creates complications that need not exist, and probably shouldn't - and especially in those vulnerable times when clear heads need to prevail. If he needs space to work on himself then that's what he should have. Whatever fear of his past exists, is probably stronger than any compatibility. Which means he isn't capable of handling a responsible relationship at this time. And the big one: You can't fix him. Understandable why you would want to. Lovers can heal each other when that's all they need.....is some healing. But if his greatest fear was that he was going to mess up with you, and he was absolutely convinced that this was true - maybe he did a responsible thing. In the meantime? You decide how much on a shelf you want to be. Life goes on. Sometimes people make decisions they wish they hadn't. Sometimes their decisions end up being good ones - proven over time. He told me not to wait around. He said, if it happens in the future it will naturally, but that he didn't want me to wait around for him because it would be too painful for both of us if we did that. I'm not trying to be on the shelf, but I really am not interested in dating anyone...I've been getting asked out and it's not anyone I want to pursue or be pursued by. I'm also too busy with work to even accomodate a relationship at this point. I don't want to change him. I loved him for who he was. I just want him to be happy...if it means I need to be completely out of his life to get to that point then I guess I have to swallow that pill. It sucks because he is friends with all of his exes except for me and his ex wife. Ugh. I think I need therapy...I still feel like he is the one and I'm not really getting it that it's over. I've been in a lot of long term relationships...this is my shortest and it is really hard because I'm not even finding myself feeling like it's actually over.
Author Philomena_Pond Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 It's been a little over a month since our breakup. Our breakup was pretty LC, when we did talk it was pretty much a chalk up to bad timing and that we were both too busy for a relationship. I was pretty comfortable with NC and didn't go nutso or text him or call him a million times... Basically (after he decided to totally break it off, i wanted to work it out) I wanted to test my feelings for him, see if I could forget him (the relationship was only 6 months), see if its just a matter of missing and being dependent or if it was unconditional love and I went NC. The time apart is making my feelings intensify. I know we both need to grow and are both in transition...I need space and he needs space. I will love him whether he is in my life or not. This guy is great...I've never had such an incredible boyfriend. I felt like a goddess with him and we both had an effortless connection. Life just was too hard for both of us because we were on our journeys to get solid careers and get into good financial places it got so hard to actually spent genuine time together near the end. It was like 5 hours a week and both of us were stressed out because of our jobs and not being rested. He told me he can't "just be friends" with me because it would be too painful and needed me to be 100% in or 100% out, but that he couldn't have me 100% in right now. We've bumped into each other since NC was started (May 30th when he actually came and picked up his stuff from my place I started NC without telling him...the next day he sent me a message saying that his car smelled like my perfume from the stuff that he had left in my room for the 6 months we dated...I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say). He hasn't reached out since, and a week after that text unfriended me on FB and Instagram...removed all the photos he took of me, removed my friends (kept my sister as a friend on FB though (!??!?!!) and kept pictures that I tagged him in on FB on his profile...I'm kissing him on the cheek. I love him so genuinely, we didn't have any fights...life just got really complicated with our jobs and we were both in transition. I guess...I don't know...what do I do? Do I wait for him to initiate contact? I just don't want communication between us to be blank forever. And I don't want him to feel like talking to me would be a bad thing or scary. We bumped in to each other 4 days after he removed me from social media. I just played it cool (I could tell he was nervous at first). I kept it short and just made very brief small talk (we were both going to the same show and didn't know it.) Gave each other a weird hug (he rubbed my back so vigorously it almost hurt) and I ended the conversation first with a big smile. 16 real days of NC (except that one bump in). I'm waking up from dreams where he is just looking at me and smiling...telling me to hold off a little longer and that we'll be back. I wake up with this incredible happiness and love in my heart. I miss him, but this is so different than any other breakup that I've ever had. What the **** is going on inside of me!? (BTW I'm gonna be 28 in a month and he's my 5th real boyfriend with lots of just dating in between the relationships...so I'm not a n00b to dating or relationships) Any advice or insight or encouragement would be so welcome. I'm kinda confused with how I feel. Thanks!
ThorntonMelon Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Not sure how helpful this advice will be. But you're giving an awful lot of accolades and a pedestal for a guy who said you weren't valuable enough to his life to prioritize you. Seems to me he could be great to you precisely because he didn't need to live it all out legitimately. You were a fantasy that he lived till it got real. Not saying he's not fantastic. He might be. But he's not offering you what you deserve right now, so the sooner you get the rose glasses off, the better for you. 2
Author Philomena_Pond Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Not sure how helpful this advice will be. But you're giving an awful lot of accolades and a pedestal for a guy who said you weren't valuable enough to his life to prioritize you. Seems to me he could be great to you precisely because he didn't need to live it all out legitimately. You were a fantasy that he lived till it got real. Not saying he's not fantastic. He might be. But he's not offering you what you deserve right now, so the sooner you get the rose glasses off, the better for you. It was a mutual thing. I hardly have time for myself right now. I work in advertising and at the time of the relationship was working 80 hour weeks. He complained often that he felt like he didn't have a place in my life. I was desperately trying to make it work, but my job ****ing blows...I'm trying to get out, but I live in Michigan and jobs are kinda difficult to come by. I have a lead into a creative position that my happen soon. Thank God. It's effecting my health, the stress of my job. He would point to my face and say "i wish your smile was back...its there, but its not the same...I hate your job."
carrie_o Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I was desperately trying to make it work, but my job ****ing blows...I'm trying to get out, but I live in Michigan and jobs are kinda difficult to come by. I have a lead into a creative position that my happen soon. I would focus on this first. Get the job you want. If you got back together now, nothing would be different. Focus on your career before thinking about getting back together.
Author Philomena_Pond Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 We broke up 4 months ago, started talking again…hung out a few times…everything was amazing and then BOOM he pulled away almost entirely. Then two weeks after keeping his distance he told me that his therapist said its not a good idea for us to get back together or do anything together. We talked for a little bit after that as friends and then he told me "I'm sorry we can't be together." I took the opportunity to tell him all the things I never said when we dated, about how my job took me away from being who I wanted to be in the relationship, that it was a hard time and I wasn't ready, and that I didn't tell him how much I loved him because I was scared during the relationship. I told him that I loved him unconditionally and that would never change no matter if he is in my life or not. I told him that I was switching gyms to the one by his house, but he is at that one too…I asked him if that was okay because I couldn't go to my old one (bad old roomies there) and that I wasn't going because he's there, but it is literally 3 blocks from my house and makes a lot more sense (and its free for me). I told him I would try to avoid when he went there for his benefit…he told me that's not necessary. I told him that he doesn't have to talk to me or feel the need to come up to me unless he wants to and he said there was no reason why would have to avoid each other and we could still talk. After I told him about loving him unconditionally, he hugged me and melted in my arms. When he pulled away his eyes were red and was sniffling, looking as if he was going to cry. When we dated he said that he thought I was going to be his wife, I ended things because I freaked out and thought he didn't love me...it was the first time we ever fought (we were together for almost 6 months). My friend recently told me that he said our breakup was "tragic" for him and that he fell into a very deep depression after we ended (which of course I had no idea of because he always told me he was doing incredibly after we ended). He told me that he feels like we tried it once and it didn't work so why try again. If that's the case then what the hell is going on with this story below…. So a few days later I go to the gym…at a time I thought he wouldn't be there and he was. He walked out as I was walking in and looked CRUSHED to see me. I smiled and said hey and he just kinda choked. A few days later I went way later than I thought he'd be there at…his car wasn't there…I worked out for 45 mins, switched to weights and looked up and BOOM he's there… we didn't make eye contact and I looked away quickly and just kept going like I had no idea he was there. I did about 10 mins of weights and went back to cardio, by the time I got back on the elliptical he was gone (and I know he normally works out for an hour or 2 at a time)… Did he really run away from me? What the heck? Can someone please tell me what may be going on in his head and what would cause him to run away like that or what I should do?
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 He clearly can't handle seeing you. You just have to accept that because it's not like you can change it.
Author Philomena_Pond Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 he got depressed over you?? he may recover and com back .. true emotions were hit. don't be clingy and stalkerish .. respect him just pray ... and know that it was real and find warmth in that thought Yeah I haven't sent him one text or called or anything since we talked that one day. When I saw him at the gym the first time I just said hey and kept walking on, then second time I didn't say anything (obviously). So I'm not too worried about being clingy or stalkerish…there's a lot of places I know I could "bump" into him if I wanted to, but I'm avoiding those places. THe gym however…I've gone out of my way to be sure he isn't there and we do keep bumping into each other. I feel bad if it IS hurting him, but at the same time…if it hurts him so bad why not try to be my friend?
Author Philomena_Pond Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 He clearly can't handle seeing you. You just have to accept that because it's not like you can change it. But why can't he handle it? Does that mean he still has feelings? Should i try talking to him as a friend through text or something? I don't wanna hurt him and if he told me that he didn't want me at the gym I would stop going for a while, but he told me out right that he was fine with it. He's an incredible man and I def don't wanna push myself on him but we can't stay away from each other. When we met up for the first time in 3 months of not seeing each other, the connection was INTENSE and INSTANT. I worry that this breakup is way more ****ed up for him than it is me, maybe making him battle demons that I don't' know about. Like I said, I love him unconditionally. So I'll be fine with whatever he needs. His body language says that he wants to be with me (his eyes getting red and teary, his sniffles, his not letting go of the hug he initiated…not wanting to get out of my car…) but his words say otherwise ("I can't be going in reverse, what if things didn't work out again, what if you haven't changed, you don't' know how much I've been through and I can't take much more.") What do you guys think I should do? We had a great relationship…it wasn't like we fought or had **** between us at all. I was thinking that if it happened again, go up and look him in the eye, smile and say hello, then move on. Maybe keep doing that until its not uncomfortable and then maybe in a month or so try striking up a convo.
ThorntonMelon Posted August 24, 2014 Posted August 24, 2014 This is a first. I think he's madly in love with you, and a lot of people in his life have guided him to be careful of your relationship, for whatever reason. If he believed, truly believed in what you could be (meaning believed in you), he'd ignore his concerns, or they'd vanish. I'd tread lightly unless you're 100% sure you can see it through. 1
Author Philomena_Pond Posted August 27, 2014 Author Posted August 27, 2014 This is a first. I think he's madly in love with you, and a lot of people in his life have guided him to be careful of your relationship, for whatever reason. If he believed, truly believed in what you could be (meaning believed in you), he'd ignore his concerns, or they'd vanish. I'd tread lightly unless you're 100% sure you can see it through. I was not expecting a response like this! Of course I would give it 100%...Unfortunately, I feel like he would need proof that I am willing to not work at my job anymore. He knows it makes me miserable but also knows I"m not letting go. I think I'd have to show him real change like 1) new job/career 2) get to know the real me again with all the changes I've had (I've grown up a lot in the last year, and a lot in the 4 months of our breakup) So I need to know what you guys think I should do...get a new job and then try limited contact? We have not spoken since the second breakup ... About a week and a half ago. Wait another month, get a new job...continue to work on me and then start reaching out? Advice please...I don't wanna lose him forever.
Author Philomena_Pond Posted August 31, 2014 Author Posted August 31, 2014 So, I just texted him after two weeks since I spilled the beans to him about everything I ever felt, loving him unconditionally etc... He responded to my text and was pretty positive and responding quickly. He told me he was moving to Nashville… This was the text started at 6:34am and he responded at 7am, after that it was minutes between texts (I took time to respond a tad bit longer than him as to seem not so eager): Me: Woke up from a dream where we were talking. how are you? Would love to hear from you. D: Good morning Sarah D: I'm ok, I pulled a muscle in my neck, it's very painful D: How are you? D: Aside from neck troubles, I'm very well D: I've decided to move to Nashville in November Me: That would be a great opportunity for you. Me: I've heard great things about living there. It's a beautiful town and you'll be around a better music scene. D: I think it's a good move D: I also don't think I've been here in quite some time D: I've thought about you too ya know. Me: Oh yeah? D: Yes Me: "I also don't think I"ve been here in quite some time" metaphorically speaking? or typo? D: Been happy here* D: Thanks for catching D: Both I suppose ha Me: I understand what you mean. I'm not happy here either. I don't think I've ever been. D: I think it's caused me some trouble Me: Me too. Trouble and a lot of misery and conflict with who I am and what's right for me. D: Yep D: I hope to see you sometime before I leave Me: Me too. Me: I don't fit in here, David. D: Neither do I Sarah I would, if he asked me, move with him in an instant. I want to start my life as an entertainer and he is moving there to restart his life as an entertainer…I would move there immediately… Advice? Insight?
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