Carm Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I've always given myself 3 dates to figure out if there is chemistry on my part. Sometimes it happens but more often it doesn't. I met this guy a few weeks ago, we had our first date two weeks ago. The first time I laid eyes on him my heart skipped a beat. Tall, dark and handsome (so cliché)...but true. The chemistry between the both of us is undeniable. There are some issues however, he works and lives downtown and I live about 45 minutes away. He does not own a car, I do, which means I will do all the driving to see him. I thought this would bother me but I'm so attracted to him I am okay with it. Here are the real issues, we are both in our late 40's. He has a decent job but he's basically living like a starving student. I've done well for myself, own my own home, great job and steady life. He does not have his life together, his goals are fuzzy, he wants a real relationship but doesn't know if he's ready for it. And, to boot, he told me that 6 months ago he went on meds to control depression. I've been single for awhile (my choice) and I know what I want. I'm giving him 2 months to see where this is going (if anywhere). Fair? I have no problem meeting men...am an attractive fitness model/trainer but I'm concerned about this....I am not a gold digger but I need someone who can offer some sort of security.
MidwestUSA Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 'Some sort of security'. You said it all right there. Go out with him if you think it will be fun and you have time to kill. He doesn't sound like he's going to offer ANY sort of security now or in the future, however. Don't lead him on tho. 2
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I am very sensitive to chemistry and good looking men that is why I have dated men of all backgrounds and social classes BUT they had to have a car lol, Even if it were an old pick-up truck from 1995, the man has to be able to move himself from point A to B. As for the anti-depressant, well, be ready for a low libido on his part. You will only get to know the real him once he comes off of those meds. You don't mind paying for all your outings? all the gas to go out and about? all your weekend get away? I think it will grow old very fast. 3
Author Carm Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 'Some sort of security'. You said it all right there. Go out with him if you think it will be fun and you have time to kill. He doesn't sound like he's going to offer ANY sort of security now or in the future, however. Don't lead him on tho. True...and I feel like this might be what will happen. I should point out that type of security I really want is emotional security. Someone whose got my back, someone supportive, yada yada. He does have a decent job and earns (I believe) decent money but he walked away from his marriage and pretty much left her everything, car, dog, home. I may have exaggerated by saying he's a starving student.
Author Carm Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 I am very sensitive to chemistry and good looking men that is why I have dated men of all backgrounds and social classes BUT they had to have a car lol, Even if it were an old pick-up truck from 1995, the man has to be able to move himself from point A to B. As for the anti-depressant, well, be ready for a low libido on his part. You will only get to know the real him once he comes off of those meds. You don't mind paying for all your outings? all the gas to go out and about? all your weekend get away? I think it will grow old very fast. He did mention that he may lease a car but since we were only on date 2 what am I supposed to say, ya you really need to. I am not sure about the libido thing, we've made out a lot and is very aggressive sexually. I should say that I do not do casual dating so we have not had sex and would not unless there is a commitment. He's paid for the first date, drinks and then dinner. He paid for dinner on our second date. I think I made his sound like he really is a starving student.
FitChick Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Pushing 50, never married nor in a serious relationship? Add the fuzzy goals thing and depression and low paid job. Expect him to move in with you and then suddenly lose his job. You can do so much better if how you described your life and looks is accurate. Why not date younger men if it's too hard to find an attractive man your age. Works for me. Men ten years younger should be perfect.
Kar_M Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I say if you like him, give him a chance. Life is too short to make things like 'he's depressed, he doesn't have a great job' the priority. What if you end up having a great relationship with him .....
Emilia Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I'm giving him 2 months to see where this is going (if anywhere). Fair? Not really since it won't go anywhere. I'm 42 and I'd say by the time people hit their mid to late 30s it's pretty much set whom they are going to be for the rest of their lives. Certainly late 40s would indicate that he will be always a bit of a tramp. By seeing him the only thing you will achieve is getting attached to some loser. 2
Author Carm Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 Pushing 50, never married nor in a serious relationship? Add the fuzzy goals thing and depression and low paid job. Expect him to move in with you and then suddenly lose his job. You can do so much better if how you described your life and looks is accurate. Why not date younger men if it's too hard to find an attractive man your age. Works for me. Men ten years younger should be perfect. I've always dated younger men. This is the first time I've actually dated my own age. He was married for 10 years....it's the fuzzy goals that get me. He doesn't have a low paying job, he's an Art Director. I know I can do better in terms of financial status but what I'm looking for is a deep heartfelt connection....something I've had only once in my life.
Author Carm Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 I say if you like him, give him a chance. Life is too short to make things like 'he's depressed, he doesn't have a great job' the priority. What if you end up having a great relationship with him ..... This is exactly what I'm talking about....don't want to miss out on a potential great relationship.
Emilia Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 So how can you have a great relationship with someone you aren't compatible with beyond physical attraction? It's your life OP but you must understand your own motivation. If you want to hook up with him then fine but you need to ask how compatible you can be when you are already wondering about his lack of progress in his life. It's not like it will change, he is pretty old already. What kind of 'great relationship' can a put-together woman have with a guy who is just cruising along? In his late 40s? If you answer that question honestly, you are likely to be close to the potential outcome of this. 3
waiting4u Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I say enjoy the chemistry - but then again I have trouble finding men that I click with like that. You are both adults and you can certainly just have a physical relationship for a while and walk away if it doesn't work. Late 40's? Get it on, girl. Make hay while the sun shines and all that. 1
SadNLonley Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Im no gold digger either, but at that age, a man should know what he wants in life and in a relationship. I want a man with his head on straight. Red Flags everywhere if you ask me. No car, lives like a starving student, relationship issues. Run!!!!! Especially if you dont have trouble finding men, there are sure to be alot more out there to replace him. Yes, physical chemistry is awesome, but it wont last forever and all those things you mentioned will really bother you. Why waste time and effort on it. 2
rester Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I say give the guy a chance. It sounds like you like him but you're not quite sure you respect him. It's hard to tell from your post if he's a slacker or got burned badly from his divorce. Is he car-free by choice? Could you live with that? Some could, some couldn't. I was car-free by choice for many years and I do believe it limited my options. I don't see the downside in getting to know him a little better. The more you learn about him, the more you might learn to respect him. Or you might learn the opposite, but at least you gave him a chance. 1
HappyLove Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 "He does not have his life together, his goals are fuzzy, he wants a real relationship but doesn't know if he's ready for it. And, to boot, he told me that 6 months ago he went on meds to control depression. I've been single for awhile (my choice) and I know what I want." You're gonna date this guy then complain about him when you see all the red flags smacking you dead in the face! 1. Does not have his life together! Really girl? You're in your late 40's and you don't know by now that you can't fix a man? 2. He's late 40's and STILL doesn't know if he's ready for a relationship?! This one is laughable. I mean emotionally unavailable has nothing on this guy. Hitting 50 & not ready for a relationship yet? If he's not ready for whatever reason, why are you even wasting your time? Oh I forgot...he's hot. 3. On top of all that he's depressed. 4. "I've been single for awhile (my choice) and I know what I want." Really? Are you sure about that? I don't think a woman in her late 40's who TRULY knew what she wanted would even entertain this. 3
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 This doesn't seem right. For all the attraction in the world at his age you should expect more ducks to be in a row which isnt what seems to be happening for him right now. I went on a date with someone like you've described . No job, no money and no car. He was pretty desperate to be in a relationship though. At first there was immediate attraction but there appeared to be more red flags the more i got to know him. And as for the medication thing, he told me god healed him of depression. Which, miracles do happen, but that usually means " I'm no longer taking my meds" which is a big sign of some instability. If you have been single like me for quite an exceptional long time, you're probably not use to dating or having options. I thought that no job, no car and no money guy was better than no guy at all as he was desperate to date and i felt i had to date him. Now i know there a far more stable options out there and it's a lot healthier to be more selective. Go out there and date lots of people. You'll find that there are better more healthier options to date. And remember sometimes chemistry develops. Chemistry can be deceiving. Sometimes the best options are people who are people that we would have previously overlooked because instant " chemistry " wasn't there. Get to know people and see what chemistry develops over time of getting to know someone over time. 1
stillafool Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I say pass on this one. I know he's goodlooking and all but if you give him 2 months of your time more than likely you will fall in love with him and be back here wondering what to do. If you are in your 40's don't waste your years. 1
DArtagnan2 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) Here's my guess, he lives like a starving student because he gave his ex everything and walked away with nothing. Rebuilding from that takes time to rebuild or he has been in limbo on moving forward from that. He has no goals? Well he is in his 40's and works as an art Director. Maybe that was his goal. Maybe he is happy with what he does. Living in a city, you don't really need a car. I know a lot of people who sell their car because they they live in a city. Depending on the city, it may be costly to have a car and maybe no where to really park. It may be more of a pain in the butt to own a car then it is worth it to have one. Again, given his divorce, he may never have thought he needed a car living in a city where you can walk, bike or take public transportation to get to everywhere you need to. As for living in a apartment and not owning a house, again, depending on if he just took the apartment because of his divorce, it may be the most feasible way to live for him or he just didn't care where he lived because of his divorce. As for the meds for depression, my guess is he was or is struggling with moving on from his divorce. His living situation and him not caring about a car, where he lives, etc. could all be stemming from his failed marriage. I am not sure how long ago he and his ex got divorced, but I may commend him for seeing he is struggling 6 months ago and doing something about it so he can move on in his life. If that's the case though, he may not be ready to date yet. Which is kind of clear with his indecision to date or not date. He may have never thought he would meet someone or even you at this time and now, here you are. I would give him the time you said you would. Get to know more about him and why his situation is as it is. Not everyone is a dead beat. Edited June 9, 2014 by DArtagnan2 2
Author Carm Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 Thanks for the replies guys....I must say some of them were rather harsh. Yes, he did own a home AND car with his ex-wife but walked away from it. So, he's basically back to starting again. While he may no longer have the same equity as I do, he has paid for many of our dates even when I offered. Maybe being an Art Director was his goal and maybe he was down in the dumps because of his situation. I don't know yet because I have just been on a few dates with him. This will unfold as I get to know him more. I'd rather have a decent guy with a decent job then I guy I dated before him with a ****load of money who revealed he lives a swingers alternate lifestyle.
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 As far as money goes i live in the red, I am in my 40's i give a lot of money away , i have impulsive tendencies and I gift not a good sign fro me to accumulate wealth now or in the future .My goal in life is to do missions to help others and if i have to save i will, i don't expect a guy to have money and if his idea of a happy relationship is dating someone who has forethought to money its better he doesn't date me. if my lights are working if there is food on my table if i have a roof over my head,and a good pair of boots and oen pair of sneakers , add i am attempting to pay debts on a regular basis, i can take that and be happy extremely happy, I don't envision my self in a lucrative relationship financially.I envision a guy being as happy as I am with simple things and a love of others and who loves me for just being true to me.If i cant buy, ill make do, have been known to scale fences to collect oranges, i have met a really nice woman doing this...lol. ill never own a credit card other than debit credit.I dont expect a guy to own one either, if he expects me to own one not the guy for me.My friends often poke fun of me with money and when i ask if i could borrow a little till pay day which i pay back,as if they asked em to borrow they know i would regardless of whether i could afford it or not and friends tell me i should apply for a credit card, never have. you have to be with a guy who has similar tastes and expectations financially and mentally emotionally and physically,sometimes though you adapt in the relationships and where one lacks the other makes up for and it becomes a fine tuned balance that just works...do what makes you happiest...i wish you well 1
Weezy1973 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 He does not have his life together, his goals are fuzzy, he wants a real relationship but doesn't know if he's ready for it. So just as an FYI this is male code for I want to have sex with you and will stick around for a few months to get it, but I don't actually want to commit... 3
jbelle6 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) I say if you like him, give him a chance. Life is too short to make things like 'he's depressed, he doesn't have a great job' the priority. What if you end up having a great relationship with him ..... I disagree with this one. I work hard. The guy is near 50, I'm not spending my retirement savings on anyone, I will want someone that can afford to be comfortable and maybe travel a bit to enjoy ourselves. Just saying the "he doesn't have a great job" thing isn't cute after 29. Edited June 10, 2014 by jbelle6
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I disagree with this one. I work hard. The guy is near 50, I'm not spending my retirement savings on anyone, I will want someone that can afford to be comfortable and maybe travel a bit to enjoy ourselves. Just saying the "he doesn't have a great job" thing isn't cute after 29. i would prefer it if i wer to date a guy that he took a job he was passionately happy with than be in a job he was unhappy and rich...in happiness steam rolls a home finding the right career for them, enhances a home i would brain storm and motivate a guy to being the best and getting the job suited for him regardless if it was voluntary work or minimum wage...as long as he knew it was the best job he has ever been in....happiness to be had for all then .....i have supported men i know to obtain employment i encourage their passions.....and i write letters as such they get the job....i find it rewarding because i know men need to feel useful supported and understood....they need to work in other words......they need to feel secure in knowing they are men ...and appreciated as such...i am not a simpering female who couldn't possibly earn more money than them by working .....every guy have been with knows this.....but i support men and i support the man i am with moreso than personal gain through financial means because i could earn quite a fair bit myself if i wanted money.....i am not about that ...and i find it rewarding not being about that...each to his own though...most men who i have been with have been unemployed at some point and always achieved employment through being with me because of supportive manners an how i give it t them..i excel in this..............deb
abby_tx Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Keep dating him until your worries become real or don't become real. Too soon to say.
Author Carm Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 So just as an FYI this is male code for I want to have sex with you and will stick around for a few months to get it, but I don't actually want to commit... A man who only wants sex and is willing to wait for a few months to get it will actually do this??? Are you a guy?
Recommended Posts