I need out

[Owl]

My assumption is that anyone married for 22 years is not a spring chicken, nor is her husband. The concern over something insignificant like Infidelity...

 

I read your post up to this point, and realized that you simply "don't get it".

 

Infidelity is never insignificant to those who've been impacted by it.

 

OP...you have a choice.

 

Your husband...or your friend.

 

Which is it? Right now...who do you choose?

 

Which name popped into your head when you read that? My suggestion is that you choose to work on that relationship...and end the other one immediately.

 

YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.

 

So...decision time. Which relationship do you feed...and which do you kill?

 

Time to make s**t happen. Pull on your big girl britches and get busy.

 

Anything less is just an excuse NOT to take responsibility for your actions, and your life.

[violet1]

I read your post up to this point, and realized that you simply "don't get it".

 

Infidelity is never insignificant to those who've been impacted by it.

 

OP...you have a choice.

 

Your husband...or your friend.

 

Which is it? Right now...who do you choose?

 

Which name popped into your head when you read that? My suggestion is that you choose to work on that relationship...and end the other one immediately.

 

YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.

 

So...decision time. Which relationship do you feed...and which do you kill?

 

Time to make s**t happen. Pull on your big girl britches and get busy.

 

Anything less is just an excuse NOT to take responsibility for your actions, and your life.

Well said Owl! People who haven't been caught nor take responsibility for their actions will never get how big of a deal infidelity is. It's not about morality. It's about choice and accountability. Taking responsibility for your actions is ALWAYS the right thing to do.

 

OP, I understand you are unhappy and don't want to break your kid's home. However, you are giving them the wrong idea of what marriage is about. I know it's hard, but you need to get this OM out of your life and decide what to do with your M. You will never get out of limbo land if you don't. The fear of the unknown is why so many people stay in unhappy marriages. Take a stand! You can do this and I wish you luck.

[Darren Steez]

My assumption is that anyone married for 22 years is not a spring chicken, nor is her husband. The concern over something insignificant like Infidelity pales in comparison to onslaught of passing time in someone's life after a "certain age" the effect aging has on the body, the loss of parents, blows in financial situations, new diseases and abundance of loss that happens each year until you are dead and finally if you live long enough...nursing home.

 

Do you seriously think that facing all of this alone all in the name of "being morally just" is worth it? someone who already has a best friend and partner by their side should potentially throw it out all in favor of "honesty"? The simple fact is that I think that people are too nearsighted to look at the big picture.

 

Good luck finding a new man later in life, sure it can happen, but the likelyhood is less. Fine if she is 20 or exceptionally wealthy or beautiful, then she can abandon her marriage and play the field, but my thought is that a Lot of the good ones are occupied in marriages currently.

 

She likely knows this and that is why she is so scared to leave.

 

But the expectation that women (or anyone for that matter) can be completely satisfied sexually, emotionally with the man she chose (possibly while young and naive) is just unrealistic IMO.

 

Women's need for sex is extremely strong, in fact I have seen some sexual studies that imply it may be even stronger. The women's need to be admire and lusted after is a real need. To feel invisible which many women feel after a while, sometimes feels like death. That is why when people or the men in their lives start to not appreciate their women and choose to sit in front of the TV or get too comfy their women start to feel lonely.

 

Besides focusing on infidelity is really just nonsense IMO. It is just someone feeling a strong, uncontrollable need, knowing it is the "wrong" thing to do, and does it anyway. That is all it is. Partnership, friendship etc... That is another issue. A much more important one IMO

 

If infidelity isn't a big deal then..why are you here posting about your own issues.

 

Again and I'll surmise this cutting it down into something very simple without a ten page treatise.

 

Just Tell The Truth.

 

Simple.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I said infidelity is small in comparison to the entire stretch of life and what it throws at us. I don't think people should run around having affairs, but I sure think it is understandable if they do on rare occasion particular if they are in a very long marriage in which they feel lonely or depressed.

 

The reason people don't fess up to affairs is because of black and white thinkers (like yourself) who think that sexual desire and emotional need outside of the marriage is somehow unnatural or terribly sinful. It is nice to be able to be honest about everything, but sometimes being honest leads to results that are hurtful to all. Why hurt the "friend" you love so much by making them jealous about a natural desire you have for someone else? Why beat yourself up for having these needs? You are being selfish to burden them with pain and your are beating yourself up uselessly as well. If morality means "pain for everyone involved" I want nothing to do with it,

 

I am only on here not because I suffer from guilt, but purely because I fell in love with a man who also fell for me, but we couldn't be together because his wife wouldn't accept an open relationship when it was asked of her. I miss him terribly and wish we could be intimate, but it won't happen in this lifetime. I also suffer because I suspect he didn't love me as much as I did him and I feel the normal rejection one feels in a relationship ending. That is why I am here.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

If that is all you read than you didn't get the point of the response. "Taking things out of context" is a journalism spin method.

 

 

I read your post up to this point, and realized that you simply "don't get it".

 

Infidelity is never insignificant to those who've been impacted by it.

 

OP...you have a choice.

 

Your husband...or your friend.

 

Which is it? Right now...who do you choose?

 

Which name popped into your head when you read that? My suggestion is that you choose to work on that relationship...and end the other one immediately.

 

YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.

 

So...decision time. Which relationship do you feed...and which do you kill?

 

Time to make s**t happen. Pull on your big girl britches and get busy.

 

Anything less is just an excuse NOT to take responsibility for your actions, and your life.

[Owl]

I said infidelity is small in comparison to the entire stretch of life and what it throws at us. I don't think people should run around having affairs, but I sure think it is understandable if they do on rare occasion particular if they are in a very long marriage in which they feel lonely or depressed.

 

The reason people don't fess up to affairs is because of black and white thinkers (like yourself) who think that sexual desire and emotional need outside of the marriage is somehow unnatural or terribly sinful. It is nice to be able to be honest about everything, but sometimes being honest leads to results that are hurtful to all. Why hurt the "friend" you love so much by making them jealous about a natural desire you have for someone else? Why beat yourself up for having these needs? You are being selfish to burden them with pain and your are beating yourself up uselessly as well. If morality means "pain for everyone involved" I want nothing to do with it,

 

I am only on here not because I suffer from guilt, but purely because I fell in love with a man who also fell for me, but we couldn't be together because his wife wouldn't accept an open relationship when it was asked of her. I miss him terribly and wish we could be intimate, but it won't happen in this lifetime. I also suffer because I suspect he didn't love me as much as I did him and I feel the normal rejection one feels in a relationship ending. That is why I am here.

 

Again...you don't get it.

 

People don't 'fess up to affairs because they don't want to face the responsiblity and results of their choices and actions.

 

They don't confess because they don't want to see the damage they'll cause when the truth is known. They don't want to look their spouse in the eye, tell the truth, and watch what happens next. They don't want to spend the next several month...possibly years...trying to rebuild a shattered marriage.

 

They don't tell because they know full damned well what a big deal infidelity is...and what it will mean to their spouse.

 

Think I'm wrong? The OP here has the perfect chance to demonstrate that this is not true, and that I'm totally and completely mistaken. All she has to do is to follow your belief that it's no big deal, and tell her husband the truth. If she agrees with your viewpoint...she'll do so with no reluctance.

 

I'll bet a lollipop it doesn't happen today.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Hahha. Ugh. I DO "get it." YOU just don't read full entries because you are on an anti-infidelity blind rampage doling out advice that destroys hearts and marriages.

 

The exact reason you do NOT tell is the reason you gave. Yes, end the affair, but if the affair is over and there is low chance of discovery, and you want to save your marriage for whatever reason, do not tell the spouse because there is a chance they may me as black and white as you are. They may be hurt, yes, so why do that? So that you can waste time in therapy healing the "disclosure" instead of working on methods to increase closeness and removing any desire to stray again?

 

You are so concerned with right and wrong that you missing the point. The point of marriage is to be able to have a supportive loving person in your life during the good and bad times, someone to have sex with (hopefully) a best friend you can lean on when all gets tough, someone to share your dreams with. When up expose something that makes angry at you for "years" then it negates all of that. Who cares about "morality" in this case?

 

 

Again...you don't get it.

 

People don't 'fess up to affairs because they don't want to face the responsiblity and results of their choices and actions.

 

They don't confess because they don't want to see the damage they'll cause when the truth is known. They don't want to look their spouse in the eye, tell the truth, and watch what happens next. They don't want to spend the next several month...possibly years...trying to rebuild a shattered marriage.

 

They don't tell because they know full damned well what a big deal infidelity is...and what it will mean to their spouse.

 

Think I'm wrong? The OP here has the perfect chance to demonstrate that this is not true, and that I'm totally and completely mistaken. All she has to do is to follow your belief that it's no big deal, and tell her husband the truth. If she agrees with your viewpoint...she'll do so with no reluctance.

 

I'll bet a lollipop it doesn't happen today.

Edited June 9, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[gettingstronger]

The point of marriage is to be able to have a supportive loving person in your life during the good and bad times, someone to have sex with (hopefully) a best friend you can lean on when all gets tough, someone to share your dreams with. When up expose something that makes angry at you for "years" then it negates all of that. Who cares about "morality" in this case?

 

 

How can you do all of this while holding back a huge, life altering lie- how can you say you are any of things to your spouse when you have not given them the common decency of the truth of their own life, the ability to make a decision based on truth? And no, the expose did not negate all of that-having the affair in the first place did-knowing what the truth in my own marriage is gives me an equal chance on decision making for my own life-my husband is not entitled to keep that from me because it makes his life easier- thats just unfair-

[Owl]

I'm not going to continue the TJ...and I think the OP has gotten the advice that was intended in my reply to her.

 

She needs to choose...and she needs to end whichever relationship she doesn't choose to keep. Whichever relationship she chooses to keep, she needs to rebuild on a basis of honesty, integrity, and love.

 

I don't care which she chooses. It's not my life.

 

I'm simply pointing out to her that if she wants to live authentically...which most claim to want...it needs to start today.

 

Whichever direction she chooses to go in.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I simply disagree. I doubt your husband tells you the consistancy of his bowel movements. We all have secrets, little or large.

If the affair is over and they have every intention of moving on with the marriage in full force, I see zero reason expose it except in a case where discovery is imminent or there is a chance of STDs. The "truth" seems so inconsequential if dedication to the marriage is there except for some straying that may have been a huge mistake for their own self. Perhaps they even miss the AP still. You sure you want to hear and know that too? I doubt even with exposure will you ever get all of the details. Like just how far she was willing to go in the bedroom with him. How much he loved the color of her skin. Perhaps she even smelled better? I am not trying to be crude, I am just saying that you will never know the full truth about anyone even when exposure happens..

 

I don't think that someone should have affairs, but I do understand why they happen and I also believe that they should be ended if at all possible. I just think that telling causes more harm than it helps.

 

What if someone is incapable of giving sex to their partner for example but would be devastated that their dear spouse really needed sex for happiness and had to look elsewhere behind their back because they had no other option? What is the point of telling in that case? There are a ton of cases just like that in different forms.

 

People don't usually look to cheat. They usually feel bad for cheating. But there isn't always something inherently wrong with them for falling for someone else or needing more than the marriage can give.

 

The point of marriage is to be able to have a supportive loving person in your life during the good and bad times, someone to have sex with (hopefully) a best friend you can lean on when all gets tough, someone to share your dreams with. When up expose something that makes angry at you for "years" then it negates all of that. Who cares about "morality" in this case?

 

 

How can you do all of this while holding back a huge, life altering lie- how can you say you are any of things to your spouse when you have not given them the common decency of the truth of their own life, the ability to make a decision based on truth? And no, the expose did not negate all of that-having the affair in the first place did-knowing what the truth in my own marriage is gives me an equal chance on decision making for my own life-my husband is not entitled to keep that from me because it makes his life easier- thats just unfair-

[Sub]

If the affair is over and they have every intention of moving on with the marriage in full force, I see zero reason expose it except in a case where discovery is imminent or there is a chance of STDs.

 

I don't understand why these are the exceptions. If the crux of the argument is that you would cause more pain by disclosing and being truthful, doesn't that same pain exist if discovery is imminent and there's a chance of STD's? I'd honestly like to hear why these two scenarios are different, especially the former.

[stillafool]

 

 

 

I am only on here not because I suffer from guilt, but purely because I fell in love with a man who also fell for me, but we couldn't be together because his wife wouldn't accept an open relationship when it was asked of her.

 

Did you ask your Husband for an open relationship and were you denied?

[gettingstronger]

If you have to compare hiding an affair to a bowel movement you are reaching. Causally ask your husband how much of a deal breaker affairs are to him. You are self protecting, not protecting him. There's a difference.

[Owl]

I simply disagree. I doubt your husband tells you the consistancy of his bowel movements. We all have secrets, little or large.

If the affair is over and they have every intention of moving on with the marriage in full force, I see zero reason expose it except in a case where discovery is imminent or there is a chance of STDs. The "truth" seems so inconsequential if dedication to the marriage is there except for some straying that may have been a huge mistake for their own self. Perhaps they even miss the AP still. You sure you want to hear and know that too? I doubt even with exposure will you ever get all of the details. Like just how far she was willing to go in the bedroom with him. How much he loved the color of her skin. Perhaps she even smelled better? I am not trying to be crude, I am just saying that you will never know the full truth about anyone even when exposure happens..

 

I don't think that someone should have affairs, but I do understand why they happen and I also believe that they should be ended if at all possible. I just think that telling causes more harm than it helps.

 

What if someone is incapable of giving sex to their partner for example but would be devastated that their dear spouse really needed sex for happiness and had to look elsewhere behind their back because they had no other option? What is the point of telling in that case? There are a ton of cases just like that in different forms.

 

People don't usually look to cheat. They usually feel bad for cheating. But there isn't always something inherently wrong with them for falling for someone else or needing more than the marriage can give.

 

Again...you don't get it.

 

Your defense is that it's ok to cheat...but not ok to tell.

 

BS, and I don't mean betrayed spouse.

 

If it would hurt to tell them...then you probably shouldn't do it in the first place, ya know?

 

I'm thinking this is some simple reasoning we were given around first grade or so.

 

It's not the act of telling them that hurts them...it's the fact that you deceived them, that you betrayed them, and lied about it to keep doing it.

 

Don't confuse the true source of the pain. Your H won't be angry that you told him...he'll be angry that you betrayed him. The source was the action...not the telling. Pretty simple stuff when you sit down and actually consider it for a moment.

 

If affairs were no big deal...people wouldn't be devestated by them. Since people pretty routinely are...that indicates they're a pretty big deal. If they weren't a big deal...you wouldn't be fighting so hard for reasons to keep the affair hidden. It wouldn't matter if it were discovered.

 

It really is that simple.

[Bittersweetie]

Do you seriously think that facing all of this alone all in the name of "being morally just" is worth it? someone who already has a best friend and partner by their side should potentially throw it out all in favor of "honesty"? The simple fact is that I think that people are too nearsighted to look at the big picture.

 

I believe that every person has the right to truth in their relationship. If one person (say, the husband) believes the relationship is exclusive, and the other (wife) is in an additional relationship with another man, then the wife is taking away the truth of the husband. The husband believes one truth in his life (exclusivity) and bases his choices on that truth. However, the wife, by withholding the truth, has taken away the truth of the husband ("the big picture").

 

It could be possible that the wife does love two people at one time. Then the wife should share that truth with the husband. That way, both the wife and husband can make choices based on the truth in their lives.

 

Or maybe the wife found out the husband did not share a truth with her. So she makes a choice and doesn't share that truth with the husband. How does that improve the overall situation? Now both parties are living in a state of untruth.

 

I was a wayward wife, and kept truths from my husband. He made life choices based on a truth that was not there. He says now he would have made different choices. We have reconciled.

 

I worked on myself and spent a lot of time in introspection of me and my choices. And I have to say, in my experience, living in a world of untruth is much worse than living "in favor of honesty" or, as I call it, living authentically. Because regardless of how many outsiders are hurt as a result of the untruths, the one who pays the most is oneself.

Edited June 10, 2014 by Bittersweetie