Mommame2 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 My husband and I went to dinner last night and we were discussing our debt. It appears one of my biggest debtors may be coming back for money. After filing bankruptcy last year in CA and then having it dismissed ... It was really as if I just got a few month reprieve. At that time he asked me to file alone. He wanted to appear as if we have separated (2 households) so that I could file alone, his income wouldn't count and I would take the bankruptcy hit all by myself. We didn't end up doing that because I felt that was fraud but because of it my bankruptcy didn't go through. Well, now here we go again... I told my husband that in this new state we live... Our options are a) downsize and repay. B) file bankruptcy together. C) seperate/divorce and I file alone. He suggested ( in a wishy washy way) C... But with the premise that once it goes through ... We get back to the way things are now. So he wants to seperate to get around the bankruptcy requirements and then get back together.
Author Mommame2 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Well I guess I just wanted to see if he was still capable of this. I just hate that he still wants this for me you know? I feel like saying okay. We can do that. But we aren't getting back together. It is fraud... On his terms.
MidwestUSA Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Well I guess I just wanted to see if he was still capable of this. I just hate that he still wants this for me you know? I feel like saying okay. We can do that. But we aren't getting back together. Do this. Just don't tell him now that you have no intention of getting back together. It's long overdue. Why have you put up with it so long?
Author Mommame2 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 I think it comes down to denial. I have been denying how bad the problems really are. But then when this came up again... I realized we just aren't in the same place anymore. I'm not committing fraud to help protect him. And for him to ask that.... I can't deny it is bad any longer.
MidwestUSA Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Can you be certain he didn't suggest option three with the thought that HE won't get back together with YOU afterward?
Author Mommame2 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Yes. Because he said he didn't want to really separate. Just have paper trail to appear that say. And also he depends on my salary financially. He is just totally dependent on me. Divorce will not be something he will cope with well.
CarrieT Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Silly question but was the phrase, "for better, for worse" in your marriage vows? Sounds like he is willing to shelve or honor a vow he made to you and wants you to take a bullet for the team. I'd be outta there... 1
KathyM Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Well, I'm not a lawyer, but I think you can only file for bankruptcy once every seven years, and since you already filed, you won't be able to file for another seven years. I also believe that the debt you incurred is the obligation of both of you, since you are married, and filing for bankruptcy as a single if you were to divorce would then take away the financial obligation to repay for the person filing, but the former spouse would still have the financial obligation, since he did not file for bankruptcy. I think you better consult with an attorney who specializes in bankruptcy law before you do anything.
MidwestUSA Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Yes. Because he said he didn't want to really separate. Just have paper trail to appear that say. And also he depends on my salary financially. He is just totally dependent on me. Divorce will not be something he will cope with well. You do realize you'll be hit up for support? Would you be able to get primary custody of your son?
Author Mommame2 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Yeah because of the debt situation ... The debt is only in my name. And he thinks that by separating ... He won't get hit w the obligation. And I could re file because it was dismissed according to my attorney. Once every 7 years is only for those who have their debts cleared. Nothing happened for me. Well, I'm not a lawyer, but I think you can only file for bankruptcy once every seven years, and since you already filed, you won't be able to file for another seven years. I also believe that the debt you incurred is the obligation of both of you, since you are married, and filing for bankruptcy as a single if you were to divorce would then take away the financial obligation to repay for the person filing, but the former spouse would still have the financial obligation, since he did not file for bankruptcy. I think you better consult with an attorney who specializes in bankruptcy law before you do anything.
Author Mommame2 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 I'm sure I would have to pay support. He doesn't have a full time job but he does have income coming in monthly. So it really just depends how this goes down. At least I live in a lenient divorce state. California was NOT the place to divorce. I am the breadwinner and would have been penalized for it. You do realize you'll be hit up for support? Would you be able to get primary custody of your son?
MidwestUSA Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I'm sure I would have to pay support. He doesn't have a full time job but he does have income coming in monthly. So it really just depends how this goes down. At least I live in a lenient divorce state. California was NOT the place to divorce. I am the breadwinner and would have been penalized for it. Hopefully, you can have his share of the debt held against him - your support is reduced as part of his debt repayment. If he had any pride, he wouldn't allow you to support him. This is really the basis of much, if not all, of your marriage trouble. Good luck.
Author Mommame2 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Well I can't say I'm fully supporting him. He is working freelance. But it is just very hit or miss. It makes it difficult for us to stay afloat. And last week I told him that I wanted to stop working SO many hours ... That I wanted to try freelance work like he does! His suggestion? That he ask his elderly ailing parents to pay our bills/support us (1500 miles away) until I get the income back to what it currently is. That's his solution. If course he knew I would NOT allow that.
MidwestUSA Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I'd have to suggest that he move back and take care of his parents, LOL! Sounds like he's always going to expect SOMEONE to take care of him.
Keenly Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 So let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly. She has a mountain of debt from her past, and you guys think he is a bad guy because he doesn't want to be responsible for financial decisions he didn't make ?
iris219 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Yeah because of the debt situation ... The debt is only in my name. And he thinks that by separating ... He won't get hit w the obligation. Doesn't matter if the debt is in your name only. All debts and assets are shared when married. Did you acquire the debt before marriage? That is the only way he might not be responsible for it.
MidwestUSA Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 So let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly. She has a mountain of debt from her past, and you guys think he is a bad guy because he doesn't want to be responsible for financial decisions he didn't make ? It's marital debt, just in her name because she had the credit. She's consistently out earned him and supported him, hoping that someday he'd step up to the plate.
Author Mommame2 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Exactly. It was marital debt but he filed bankruptcy himself years ago and had no credit lines. So he relied on me for all of our marital debt.
MidwestUSA Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Exactly. It was marital debt but he filed bankruptcy himself years ago and had no credit lines. So he relied on me for all of our marital debt. LOL, I didn't even have to read back; I've been following since you first posted. Married 13 years, eight year old son. Can't remember a phone number to save my life, however!
Author Mommame2 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 You have an amazing memory! Thank you so much for your insight and support on here! I'm grateful! I was okay filing alone... But when it wasn't possible to do so ... Things changed.the bankruptcy laws changed since he filed years ago. So now in order to file alone and not have his income and credit impacted this time... He literally would have to separate from me. Separate households etc. Otherwise the bankruptcy requires MAJOR downsizing and living by government standards. And that is what scares him. Well both of us.. Of course. So my thought was... Let's downsize on our own and repay the debt on our own without bankruptcy so we don't have to live under government standards.
KathyM Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Yeah because of the debt situation ... The debt is only in my name. And he thinks that by separating ... He won't get hit w the obligation. And I could re file because it was dismissed according to my attorney. Once every 7 years is only for those who have their debts cleared. Nothing happened for me. Maybe you could look into debt reduction. Some companies will agree to repayment based on a much lower amount if you negotiate with them. Divorcing a guy doesn't seem like a good plan in order to relieve debt. I would suggest trying to work out together a debt repayment plan whereby you negotiate with your creditors to reduce the debt, and then budget for the repayment. Bankruptcy should be a last resort, and will ruin your credit for seven years or more, as I'm sure you know. My suggestion is to stay married, try to negotiate with creditors to reduce the debt, and then budget for repayment.
Author Mommame2 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Legally separating wasn't my idea. It was his ... As he won't downsize. He just argues that we can't do xyz. He feels that we can't break our lease. Or move again because it's unstable for our son etc etc.
MidwestUSA Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 So my thought was... Let's downsize on our own and repay the debt on our own without bankruptcy so we don't have to live under government standards. You're quite welcome! I think the main thing you need to determine is whether you want to stay married to him. If so, then he has to be on board, and you need to work as a team to downsize and learn to live within your means. If that's a scary thought, then I'd suggest both marital counseling and credit/financial counseling to get you on the same page. Try thinking in terms of your son's future if it helps. Without blaming each other.
MidwestUSA Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Legally separating wasn't my idea. It was his ... As he won't downsize. He just argues that we can't do xyz. He feels that we can't break our lease. Or move again because it's unstable for our son etc etc. Okay, let me revise. He needs to be dragged to counseling for an outside, unbiased opinion. As if what's going on now is good for your son? Tension and threats of divorce?
Recommended Posts