waiting4u Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) Why would a guy do this? 2nd date – 1st was a couple months ago, was fantastic, but his half-hearted and vague attempts to initiate a second date made me think he wasn’t interested. We get back in touch earlier this week, he says I was being “distant” before so he thought I wasn’t interested and never followed up. He suggested we get together Sunday and go trail running so I agreed. So we’re supposed to meet up at 8am and he texts me “good morning” at 7am, says he’s at the airport picking up his sister and her plane is delayed, and he wanted me to know in case he was running late. I’m thinking why would he schedule a morning running date if his sister is arriving in town the same day? but I was like “it’s cool, when is the plane supposed to arrive?” He says 8:15. We have a long-ish text convo about workouts, etc. (me assuming he’s sitting at the airport waiting). Then I said “so you won’t be back until 9-ish looks like, let me know when you’re done” and he said he would. 9:35 still nothing, 10:10 and I finally called it off and texted “Maybe you need to spend some time with your family today. Have a great day!” At least kept my cool, but I'm so angry and hurt. I mean, he’s 2 hours late at this point! It’s 10:45 and he still hasn’t responded. WHY? Why put a girl through this? It’s hurtful and awful. Why not just ignore me if he’s not interested? I bought a cute running outfit, woke up early to shower, etc. WHAT THE F*CK? Is there any excuse? I've shed some tears about this one. Normally I would have dismissed him long ago - and I tried. It's just this guy is my unicorn - my exact physical type. Mysterious and gorgeous. I turn into goo around him. I've made excuses for his lack of initiative - he's shy around women, he's self-conscious, his family wouldn't approve of me (they are Muslim but he claims to be an atheist), he's never been married and has no children (and I don't want any). But why play around with me like this? WHY WHY WHY? Edited June 8, 2014 by waiting4u 2
Bonnie Potter Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Uuugh, I hate that, let me guess, this guy is some power tripping, spoiled rich dude. Forget him. 2
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 – 1st was a couple months ago, was fantastic, but his half-hearted and vague attempts to initiate a second date made me think he wasn’t interested. That is indicative that the date was fantastic for YOU. If he had shared the same excitement he would have booked a second date with you right then and there. We get back in touch earlier this week, he says I was being “distant” before so he thought I wasn’t interested and never followed up. Who got back in touch? 4
HappyLove Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 " his half-hearted and vague attempts to initiate a second date made me think he wasn’t interested." "People show you who they are the first time. Believe them."- Dr Maya Angelou. 8
stillafool Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Frankly you should have backed out when you got the first message about the airport. Really? He didn't know his sister was coming in until this AM. Are you sure he wasn't hung up with some other girl. The only way to treat guys like him is to show him he isn't important. The next time he tries to get together tell him you're busy. Rinse and Repeat. 4
Mrin Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 So I am not going to go into the why's but I just want to point out to my fellow men that this is why you don't screw around with women's hearts. Half hearted dating attempts. Backing out at the last minute. You think "hey what the big deal?". Forget the emotional implications. The OP went out and bought a cute running outfit for this date. Many women put a lot more effort into a date than we realize. New outfits. Haircuts. Leg shaving, arm waxing. Whatever. For us dudes it is often just finding the cleanest jeans and shirt to throw on ten minutes before the date. Not so for the woman. Think about that next time. OP: now throw on that cute running outfit and go meet a real man on a trail somewhere and knock his socks off. 13
Author waiting4u Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 That is indicative that the date was fantastic for YOU. If he had shared the same excitement he would have booked a second date with you right then and there. Who got back in touch? He texted the next day (after first date) saying he had a blast, calling my gorgeous, lala. And yes, it was me who got back in touch because I have such a ridiculous crush on him and I am apparently stupid. I texted "hey beautiful man who's not interested in me" and he responded with this long bit about how he thought I was the one who wasn't interested yadayadaya. Grrr he's just maddening. Today he texted :-\ at 12:20. He's confused? A morning date means MORNING. Not afternoon. I told him "go play your games with someone else. I'm done." I mean, what's the point in jerking me around? Is he just a freaking sociopath or something? 3
crosswordfiend Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 He texted the next day (after first date) saying he had a blast, calling my gorgeous, lala. And yes, it was me who got back in touch because I have such a ridiculous crush on him and I am apparently stupid. Leaving aside the current fiasco, I'm interested in what happened after the first fantastic date. Was there any further communication after he messaged you and told you he had a blast? Perhaps he was looking for the tiniest bit of positive reinforcement before asking you out again...
Author waiting4u Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) There was quite a bit of communication, but it was hit and miss. Some initiated by me, some initiated by him. And we ran into each other at the gym. Here's the link to a thread I posted after the first date - it basically sums it up. At first I thought he was just awkward and hard to read. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/465607-intimidated-not-interested-should-i-take-lead And another about the communication the following week. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/466863-let-s-hang-out-rawr I'm just devastated. I really thought we had a second chance at this. It just sucks. I've been out on a lot of dates with men who act properly but I'm just not that interested. This one I liked. Edited June 8, 2014 by waiting4u
HappyLove Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 There was quite a bit of communication, but it was hit and miss. Some initiated by me, some initiated by him. And we ran into each other at the gym. Here's the link to a thread I posted after the first date - it basically sums it up. At first I thought he was just awkward and hard to read. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/465607-intimidated-not-interested-should-i-take-lead And another about the communication the following week. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/466863-let-s-hang-out-rawr I'm just devastated. I really thought we had a second chance at this. It just sucks. I've been out on a lot of dates with men who act properly but I'm just not that interested. This one I liked. What do you like so much about him? He doesn't seem like such a great person the way he's toying with you. What's so great about him (serious question)? 3
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I read the other threads and it feels like you're dealing with a 14 year old here. Who says 'let's hang out' passed the age of 18 ! Sounds like he could be this drop-dead-gorgeous 30 something with the emotional maturity of a 14 yo! That would explain how he scheduled a hike at the same time as his sister's arrival ! All in the muscles and nothing in the head. I just see one thing you could have done differently and it's when he said 'let's hang out' then you should have replied: Ok! when, where? I'm available A B C. 2
Author waiting4u Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 What do you like so much about him? He doesn't seem like such a great person the way he's toying with you. What's so great about him (serious question)? Well, when I first saw him I was instantly attracted to him physically - really intense, like chemical or something. Then we kept running into each other everywhere, like the universe was trying to throw us together (yes, I'm aware I sound like an idiot). Then, on the date he told me he's only ever been in three relationships and he was so nervous talking-to me it was really cute. There's something kind of innocent about him - naive. I really didn't get the player vibe at all - he's not smooth enough to be a player. So, to answer your question, I apparently have no clue why I like him so much. I just do. 1
Author waiting4u Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 I read the other threads and it feels like you're dealing with a 14 year old here. Who says 'let's hang out' passed the age of 18 ! Sounds like he could be this drop-dead-gorgeous 30 something with the emotional maturity of a 14 yo! That would explain how he scheduled a hike at the same time as his sister's arrival ! All in the muscles and nothing in the head. I just see one thing you could have done differently and it's when he said 'let's hang out' then you should have replied: Ok! when, where? I'm available A B C. Yeah, I almost get the sense that he doesn't really understand how things work with the opposite sex. Not like he's stupid but there's a disconnect. Even this situation - I really believed he was at the airport. And the whole :-/ thing after - like he didn't understand why I had called off the date and wasn't willing to sit around all day waiting for him to call. It's bizarre. And over - unless he starts chasing and apologizing and all that. Deleted his number from my phone.
MidwestUSA Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Yeah, I almost get the sense that he doesn't really understand how things work with the opposite sex. Not like he's stupid but there's a disconnect. Even this situation - I really believed he was at the airport. And the whole :-/ thing after - like he didn't understand why I had called off the date and wasn't willing to sit around all day waiting for him to call. It's bizarre. And over - unless he starts chasing and apologizing and all that. Deleted his number from my phone. 'Unless he starts chasing and apologizing'. Realize that even if he does, it's not going to change his fundamental way of dealing with women. Forget him, you can't fix him. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 He was a jerk to make plans and then not follow through. You deserve better than that. On the other hand, this sounds rather one-sided. You were really into him but he didn't match your level of interest. You may have felt some great attraction but he apparently didn't, or he wouldn't have left you hanging. In the future, don't put your eggs all in one basket. I know you believe he was unique and your unicorn, but how can you possibly convince yourself of that when you went out with him once and got wishy-washy with you after that? 2
Author waiting4u Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Well best case scenario I turned the tables a bit. It's one of two things 1) Either he didn't mean to flake and it was a real situation he didn't think through and he needs to apologize profusely; or 2) He was just toying with me generally because he's a freaking sociopath. If it's the former, and he did a little chasing to apologize, things might turn in the right direction. But then again, he probably has no clue he even did anything wrong (if the former) so doesn't realize he should apologize. Eh, I'm not holding my breath.
HappyLove Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I think you have to ask yourself what you want in life and out of a potential relationship. You can't even say this is a great, loving, and considerate guy. A hard worker. Treats you well, makes you feel secure, doesn't keep you guessing. I mean basically all you can say is he's hot. Is this all you want in a potential relationship? 6
Author waiting4u Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 He was a jerk to make plans and then not follow through. You deserve better than that. On the other hand, this sounds rather one-sided. You were really into him but he didn't match your level of interest. You may have felt some great attraction but he apparently didn't, or he wouldn't have left you hanging. In the future, don't put your eggs all in one basket. I know you believe he was unique and your unicorn, but how can you possibly convince yourself of that when you went out with him once and got wishy-washy with you after that? Yep, I've totally blown it out of proportion in my head. Good point and something I need to remind myself. Thanks for that. 1
preraph Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Obviously he's used to women doing whatever he wants whenever he wants and doesn't have any respect for their schedule or their wants and needs. I don't have to tell you this is a red flag. When you're in the early stages of dating, that is their BEST behavior. It's all downhill from there. Run -- alone.
Author waiting4u Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 Update: We had a long talk last night and I do think this guy is legit - although still sort of douche-y for that thing yesterday. I think he's likely introverted and over-scheduled. He also has a lot of family responsibilities - a mom and two sisters and his father passed away recently. He was very respectful and effusively apologetic - told me his mother had some sort of news that needed to be announced when he was there together with his sisters and he just lost track of time. Granted, he did text at 12:20, but by then I was really angry. He also said he was looking forward to it "more than I knew," and he seems straightforward. We were both pretty honest. I don't think he's a player and he's obviously interested (or says he is) - he just says he's been single for so long that he has trouble scheduling things (also has 2 jobs, takes grad school classes, and does martial arts 2 hours a day). I feel like I sort of understand him now that he's explained things a bit. Plus he's thrilled that we go to the same gym, which I don't think he would be if he planned to have sex with me and drop me. I told him I felt bad that he hasn't taken the initiative and that it made it seem like he wasn't interested. So first thing this morning I got a "good morning gorgeous" text saying "I'm glad we talked." People are weird - I'm not sure dating lore really applies to every situation. That said, I really like him so I guess I'm not real objective.
writergal Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) Yeah, OP, all I hear from him (via your most recent post) are convenient excuses for not following through with you on the 2nd date. How many more excuses from him do you need to hear, before you realize that "he's just not that into you." I think you need to accept the fact that this guy never really was that into you or he would have asked you out on a 2nd date at the end of the 1st date. There wouldn't have been any hit or miss opportunities or what have you. It would have been a lot more straightforward. He likes you. You know it. He asks you out a 2nd time. You go out a 2nd time. You wouldn't have had to wait 2 months before you saw him again, if he had been that into you. There are no "ifs, ands, or buts", if a guy wants to date you. It really is just that simple where dating is concerned. If a guy wants to date you, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. Edited June 9, 2014 by writergal 9
MikeyBe Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Sounds like you're completely overreacting. Not saying he should cancel dates or be flaky, but by your reaction, I'm picturing you sitting in a restaurant by yourself staring at the same glass of wine for an hour. You've only met this guy once. You should not be in tears or even buying new outfits for a running date. That's a little much. Clearly he's in a different place in his head then you are about dating. Either take his excuse and let him make it up to you, or tell him he's too flaky and if he wants to date you he better get his **** together. btw, being a player isn't about being some super smooth sexual predator, its about getting what you want with no regard for another's feelings. When I was younger, a girl like you would've fallen completely into my trap and the guy you describe could've easily fit a description of myself. Of course the gorgeous part would have to be a matter of opinion. Not trying to scare you. I'm talking about a teenage version of myself. Just FYI since you commented multiple times about this guy not being a player. Once a girl thinks that, you all can jump to some silly justifications to continue to believe it. 2
snowflakes88 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I texted "hey beautiful man who's not interested in me" Yikes, this is cringeworthy! But yeah, this guy does not seem interested in you. However, you've made so many excuses for him that he doesn't even have to make any for himself. 9
Author waiting4u Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 Yeah, it's all crap, I know. He texted good morning, and liked a bunch of my Facebook posts today, and I'm just thinking wtf I'm so stupid. And no, he hasn't asked me out a second time. I guess I'm just wondering what to do from here. He's just going to keep stringing me along if I keep in contact with him, so what? Don't reply if he texts again? Go no contact? Ugh, I can't believe I've let it go this far. Yesterday was flipping horrible. 1
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