The reality of day-to-day with the OM, living with the AP, cycle begins again?

June 8, 2014

How often has the WS left their BS for the AP, and has it worked out for them, especially those with kids, or once day-to-day life and things like bills, buzzer drying, laundry etc. come into play, and do they find the reality of being with the AP boring? How often does it become cyclic in that they'll cheat? Leaving the AP, starting another EA, etc., wash rinse and repeat.Granted, my situation is a bit different, it being my H who left me for my daughter's best friend, but once the reality comes into play how will things be? Especially given that, well, she lives in my neighborhood and she's one of the neighbors, so to speak.

I did read this in an online agony aunt column about a BS whose spouse left her for the AP. I've snipped it to this:

He is no doubt seeing for himself now, that it's no longer a fairytale romance.
The bubble has burst. It's now down to tin tacks (reality), which means:- (1) Rent has to be paid.
(2) Bills have to be paid.
(3) Dirty washing.
(4) Snoring, farting, you name it.
(5) Annoying habits.
(6) Learning to cohabitate.
(7) Arguments over who takes the garbage out, etc.
(8) One of them not being a morning person!
(9)Money issues

What's your experience been on in this issue? When the reality comes crashing down and the day-to-day existence comes into play for the WS and AP (OM/OW), how have you coped? Edited June 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

June 8, 2014

Quit trying to compete with this woman as if your husband is the prize.

YOU are the prize.

June 8, 2014

You hear a lot about the "affair bubble." New relationships are always exciting. Sneaking around and doing something forbidden is also exciting for many people.

When the affair becomes a normal relationship, that's where the rubber meets the road. The thrill is gone and you have to deal with a flawed human being who may or may not be an "improvement" on the one you left. That's why very few affairs become "normal relationships."

Your WH is probably enjoying the ego boost from a significantly younger woman right now, but she may tire of him and want someone closer to her own age. When I was 23 I became seriously involved with a man who was in his mid thirties (not an affair). I eventually broke up with him because we just didn't have enough in common and because I actually became more mature than he was.

However, I would not focus so much on your husband coming back to you right now. I would focus on taking care of myself.

June 8, 2014

It hasn't happened to me yet but I do think about it, so I too am curious to read the responses from others that have lived with the AP because I wonder if and how different it will be.

I assume it's like when you first date someone when you don't know their habits or quirks and then you move in with each other and start to see the real side the more time you spend with them. What you tolerated, she might not, or vice versa. And then there's an adjustment period that could be smooth or rough because you go from barely seeing them to always seeing them. I could be wrong and in for a rude awakening if I end up living with my AP, but that's what I'm expecting.

I agree with BetrayedH. Definitely don't feel like you have to compete. If anything, she's probably competing with you because I know I would be afraid of my MM returning to his W if I didn't meet or exceed what she did for him.

June 8, 2014

Focus on yourself, find someone that matches you better than your husband did. Let him have his affair. It won't last. No...it may be fun for the first year or two, but no way is this going to work for too long. She will likely bore of him first. Maybe there was conquest on both ends, but when she has to settle In with the old man long term, the young guys will start to look more handsome.

Edited June 8, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

June 8, 2014

Sometimes a relationship is so destroyed that it is easier to start over with someone new. You don't have to be married for this to be true either. As to whether things with the new person will become destroyed too, it depends on how committed the people are to learn from their past mistakes and not commit the same mistakes again.

June 8, 2014

Your WH is probably enjoying the ego boost from a significantly younger woman right now, but she may tire of him and want someone closer to her own age. When I was 23 I became seriously involved with a man who was in his mid thirties (not an affair). I eventually broke up with him because we just didn't have enough in common and because I actually became more mature than he was.

However, I would not focus so much on your husband coming back to you right now. I would focus on taking care of myself.

This^^^^^^

He is enjoying his young thing right now but there is no way this girl is going to want to be with him forever. Sooner or later she will want to be around guys near her age not her fathers. Your exH will probably end up hurt in the end. However it doesn't mean he will want to return to you after being with her. This is why it is so important that you focus on moving on and improving your life. The guy is a creep.

June 8, 2014

I am sorry for you, OP, if you're hurting about this. I can't imagine. I'll say this: ICKY, ICKY, ICKY. To me, men like your husband are the epitome of ickiness. The joke is always about how men think with their penises.

Your husband leaving his marriage for a much younger woman is ONLY about him, and his penis. They say men do that to feel younger. It has nothing to do with the young woman. It just makes these type men seem even MORE unattractive because obviously they feel so unattractive they have to just get with someone based on a chronological age, and NOTHING ELSE. It actually makes my skin crawl. Why? Because the focus is obviously on his penis. To him, and men like him, he sees his penis and what it does during sex, as having no value unless it's inside something that's at least more than ten years younger than him. Ewww.

But to BE WITH YOUR OWN DAUGHTER'S BEST FRIEND?????? It's almost incestuous. So, he rates, on the Ickiness Scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the Ultimate in Ickiness, he rates a very strong 8. How is your daughter doing? And how old is this woman?

I strongly hope you decide to move on. When the inevitable kicking to the curb occurs, or perhaps, being the utterly selfish, icky bastard your husband is, he may voluntarily go to the curb when things stop revolving around him, and HAVE NO DOUBT - he will ASSUME, with every fiber of his self-involved being - YOU will be there, ever so grateful, in his mind, that this prize of a man <throwing up in my mouth> came back to me, oh glory day! NO! PLEASE!! Just because SOMEONE (his mommy?) taught him somehow to believe only his needs and wants reign supreme, PLEASE be the one person in his life, the one he would so least expect to do so, PLEASE TEACH HIM, the jig is up. And do it with a sweet smile on your face. Oh, dear, I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you and (whatever this loser slut's name is) but I have a lot to do. Here's the name of my attorney, you can call him or her and let's iron out what's going to go down now. Gotta run. Take care.

I deeply urge you to not even speak to him. Have him speak to you through your attorneys. What a selfish, disgusting creep. Really, what's so attractive about keeping him?

Edited June 8, 2014 by Scorpio Chick

June 8, 2014

I am sorry for you, OP, if you're hurting about this. I can't imagine. I'll say this: ICKY, ICKY, ICKY. To me, men like your husband are the epitome of ickiness. The joke is always about how men think with their penises.

Your husband leaving his marriage for a much younger woman is ONLY about him, and his penis. They say men do that to feel younger. It has nothing to do with the young woman. It just makes these type men seem even MORE unattractive because obviously they feel so unattractive they have to just get with someone based on a chronological age, and NOTHING ELSE. It actually makes my skin crawl. Why? Because the focus is obviously on his penis. To him, and men like him, he sees his penis and what it does during sex, as having no value unless it's inside something that's at least more than ten years younger than him. Ewww.

But to BE WITH YOUR OWN DAUGHTER'S BEST FRIEND?????? It's almost incestuous. So, he rates, on the Ickiness Scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the Ultimate in Ickiness, he rates a very strong 8. How is your daughter doing? And how old is this woman?

I strongly hope you decide to move on. When the inevitable kicking to the curb occurs, or perhaps, being the utterly selfish, icky bastard your husband is, he may voluntarily go to the curb when things stop revolving around him, and HAVE NO DOUBT - he will ASSUME, with every fiber of his self-involved being - YOU will be there, ever so grateful, in his mind, that this prize of a man <throwing up in my mouth> came back to me, oh glory day! NO! PLEASE!! Just because SOMEONE (his mommy?) taught him somehow to believe only his needs and wants reign supreme, PLEASE be the one person in his life, the one he would so least expect to do so, PLEASE TEACH HIM, the jig is up. And do it with a sweet smile on your face. Oh, dear, I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you and (whatever this loser slut's name is) but I have a lot to do. Here's the name of my attorney, you can call him or her and let's iron out what's going to go down now. Gotta run. Take care.

I deeply urge you to not even speak to him. Have him speak to you through your attorneys. What a selfish, disgusting creep. Really, what's so attractive about keeping him?

In any case, this woman is 26 years old, my daughter is 24. She doesn't know yet because I don't know how to discuss it with her, you honestly don't think such things will happen. But I can tell this OW is definitely in love with my H, judging by her Twitter feeds: "I GOT MY MAN. WOOOO-HOOOO!!" and a link to a shortened-url photo of her with my husband and "Other guys dont compare to my man. He's mine forever." (it was on the PC's browser history). I now even hear talk they're planning to get married, and he's leaving me for her. I also discovered he'd been researching weekends away in London for him and the OW - $2,000 according to Google. As for what was good about keeping him, he was a good man up until he got with my daughter's best friend, I don't know what made him snap, god this feels awful thinking about it. The whole thing is making me feel ill. I'm going to have to start researching divorce attorneys, but who'd do it pro bono, and how will this affect my kids? (I also have a 19-year-old son as well, who lives away from home, in college, he's coming over later this week).

June 8, 2014

First thing: you have to realize that this is a situation you have to handle THAT YOU DID NOT BRING ON YOURSELF. What are the divorce laws where you live? Is it a no fault state? I worked for a divorce attorney for 5 years, I know a little about it all. So, why are YOU worrying about finding a pro bono lawyer? And on that note and I'm very sorry to say - GOOD LUCK. One of the attorneys I worked for did pro bono work. And guess what? Those clients were WAY down on the rung of clients he actually did work for. An attorney working for free usually works in accordance with what he's getting paid, do you know what I'm saying? As it was, another attorney there that WAS getting paid sat on a lot of her cases to the anger of her paying clients.

No, while he won't voluntarily, your cheating husband should foot the bill on this issue. Is there a joint account? Is he still in the home? As sad as it is, and even though this will cause you a lot of anger, you should, you really should keep uppermost in your mind RIGHT NOW, that your husband doesn't care one bit about your feelings, or his daughter's feelings. So act accordingly. Even if he's in some fog right now, and ten years down the road he blabs on about feeling so bad and remorseful for what he's doing right now, you should sadly realize, too damn bad. He doesn't get a pass. He had plenty at stake and he willingly made the choice to go there. To lose his wife and jeopardize his own flesh and blood's mental well-being. Of course you dont' want to tell your daughter and I think that's the best course of action right now. I really feel for you. In fact, sending you a hug.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: Don't be the one to file for divorce. Let him be the one to file. Hell, you can act as you didn't know anything about the affair, so let him incriminate himself fully by being the first to file. Plus, you don't have to worry right now about coming up with a retainer. At some point you will, and borrow if you can, because you will want to get an attorney. And DO NOT MEDIATE. Mediators make a lot of money to mediate and usually the woman is the one that gets screwed, because we get all sentimental and mushy at the very time when we should be hardcore and thinking completely selfishly. But, do not file first.

It's not fair, but that is how life is. You WILL have a future with someone else, and you WILL be better off. I just would not want to see this man continue to get goodies with zero consequences, when two very important people in his life are being hurt and screwed solely so he can have some fun. F THAT.

Edited June 8, 2014 by Scorpio Chick
left out important info

June 8, 2014

In any case, this woman is 26 years old, my daughter is 24. She doesn't know yet because I don't know how to discuss it with her, you honestly don't think such things will happen. But I can tell this OW is definitely in love with my H, judging by her Twitter feeds: "I GOT MY MAN. WOOOO-HOOOO!!" and a link to a shortened-url photo of her with my husband and "Other guys dont compare to my man. He's mine forever." (it was on the PC's browser history). I now even hear talk they're planning to get married, and he's leaving me for her. I also discovered he'd been researching weekends away in London for him and the OW - $2,000 according to Google. As for what was good about keeping him, he was a good man up until he got with my daughter's best friend, I don't know what made him snap, god this feels awful thinking about it. The whole thing is making me feel ill. I'm going to have to start researching divorce attorneys, but who'd do it pro bono, and how will this affect my kids? (I also have a 19-year-old son as well, who lives away from home, in college, he's coming over later this week).

I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but this new relationship looks like a disaster waiting to happen. I predict that she dumps him when she gets bored. Sounds like a young narcissist and an old fool.

Focus on yourself and your kids. Don't do it because you want him to see what he is missing, do it because it helps you keep your dignity and self-respect and keeps your family on a relatively even keel.

Don't worry about him and the OP and don't look at her social media. (I know it's hard to stop yourself.)

You should contact the local bar association to see if they can put you in touch with any attorneys who will work pro bono or for a reduced fee.

Good luck and keep your head up.

June 8, 2014

Why haven't you told your daughter what her friend has done to her and her family? She needs to know this. I would be so angry with my friend and would want to know that she is not and was not ever my friend. She was obviously just hanging around to get with your daughters dad. How old is your husband?

June 9, 2014

How often has the WS left their BS for the AP, and has it worked out for them, especially those with kids, or once day-to-day life and things like bills, buzzer drying, laundry etc. come into play, and do they find the reality of being with the AP boring? (Snip)

What's your experience been on in this issue? When the reality comes crashing down and the day-to-day existence comes into play for the WS and AP (OM/OW), how have you coped?

"How often" is a difficult question to answer as there are no reputable studies published about this, only anecdote, but to respond to the later question about my own experience:

There was no "reality coming crashing down", because we were never in a "bubble" or a "fog" to begin with. The R was always very much reality-based, and day-to-day life was never banished in favour of some fantasy escape. We both had jobs, kids, houses, bills, and all the other chores and responsibilities grown-ups have, and during the A we had our fair share of challenges to face - both the normal stuff that happens to any couple (parents' health issues, work issues, etc) and challenges arising from the R being an A (dealing with a toxic BS). TBH, when we started living together, and M, there was absolutely no qualitative difference in our R. It was the same R it had always been. The only difference was, we were together all the time, and we no longer had to concern ourselves with her. Things were a lot easier in that respect - but other than that, "reality" continued as before. And over the years, as the kids have grown and left home, it's just quietly settled into comfortable normality, even though we don't take it for granted because we both know how lucky we are to have each other.

June 9, 2014

I think you should definately tell your daughter, since she will find out soon enough anyway, and it will be better for her that she hears it from you rather than finds out on her own or from her so called "friend". I think, since you are planning to divorce, you should be the one to file for divorce. I don't understand the reasoning of the previous poster who was saying you shouldn't be the one to file. Nothing good can come from waiting for your WS to file, except he will have more time to hide assets and get his ducks in order. You should be contacting an attorney ASAP to get advice on what to do to protect any assets, etc. Don't wait for him to do it. I know a couple where the husband cheated and the wife found out about it, but she waited for him to file for divorce first, and by the time he got around to it, the emotional damage she suffered from being in that toxic relationship was worse because she waited so long. There are legal aid attorneys or pro bono attorneys you can call. Maybe there are no assets to consider, if you are needing a legal aid attorney, but I think it makes sense to consult with an attorney at this point.

As far as people I know who have left their spouse for another woman and married her or stayed with her long term, I know two men who would fit this bill. One guy went on to cheat on his AP/wife with another woman and ended up divorced again. The other guy I lost track of after he moved out of state.

June 9, 2014

I posted what happened with me in your previous post but will say again I feel their relationship is doomed. But it was very different with us. We had common goals, common hobbies, etc. We are close in age etc. We also did not live in an affair bubble so when we move forward with plans there was no jolt to reality. We are happy and doing well, but I predict your ws won't be in a few months time.

June 10, 2014

How often has the WS left their BS for the AP, and has it worked out for them, especially those with kids, or once day-to-day life and things like bills, buzzer drying, laundry etc. come into play, and do they find the reality of being with the AP boring? How often does it become cyclic in that they'll cheat? Leaving the AP, starting another EA, etc., wash rinse and repeat.Granted, my situation is a bit different, it being my H who left me for my daughter's best friend, but once the reality comes into play how will things be? Especially given that, well, she lives in my neighborhood and she's one of the neighbors, so to speak.
I did read this in an online agony aunt column about a BS whose spouse left her for the AP. I've snipped it to this:
What's your experience been on in this issue? When the reality comes crashing down and the day-to-day existence comes into play for the WS and AP (OM/OW), how have you coped?

I threw him out to be with his soul mate. I offered immediately to divorce amicably and split all assets, which required putting the house on the market.

I spoke to a D atty and informed my closest friends and our closest family members and told them who she was and how they met and how long it had been going on and that was that.....I was done.

I only picked up his calls if they were child or bill related.

I refused to talk of us. I got busy with friends, the gym, hobbies and staying on an even keel to help my children heal.

I NEVER trash-talked my spouse or his AP. I only questioned his choices of lying to me and our children. We could have separated honorably and maybe gone to MC.

I loved him enough to let him go.

It lasted three weeks at her house.

June 10, 2014

I find myself very curious about my ex's relationship.

She bailed on our marriage.

I Google things once in a while and it hasn't been looking good. She is living the most boring life I've ever seen. I travel a lot, have many days off, etc... She is now stuck in south Florida doing nothing. She tried opening a skin care business and her products haven't sold even a little. Bad marketing. She used to rely on my marketing skills to make money. She had figured this less intelligent guy had more money, which is one of her reasons for leaving. What she didn't notice is he simply exercised his credit. lol

So, they seem to have huge overhead amd lack the brains to know how to successfully launch businesses. Looks like they took a beating on skin care at the same time they took on more debt for an upgraded apartment.

Meanwhile, I did not flinch in terms of finances through the divorce. She took a big chunk of money I needed to finish a project, but I opened another business to fund the one operating at a loss for now.

By the end of the year, net worth, even single, will be just shy of $1mil. So... I am taking some pleasure in seeing them fail to achieve any financial ground when she thought she was moving up in that department.

Hilarious... and applies directly to this thread. I'm sure 99% of the idiots who throw marriages away due to superficial checklists end up with new checklists.

Like trading in your used car for a different used car with some other set od problems.

It's usually much cheaper and easier to just fix the car you have.

June 11, 2014

When I kicked out and left my first xWH he lived with his AP for about 2 years after. She had 3 daughters all from different men. They had a rocky relationship as there were numerous time she tried calling me to tell me about it but I would hang up on her. Seriously like I give a rats a$$.

I am sure after being with several people after me he realized that he had it best with me. He would have had access to his kids and I was the loving and supportive wife. But he let what was in his pants control him, and unfortunately for him it has always been this way.

He has begged me many many time over the years to give him another chance but my answer was always no. There was one point where my kids were younger and he was battling cancer and I still said no.

The pain and embarrassment he put me through was too much for me to get over. I sacrificed so much including birthing his son and being pregnant with our second child and it was during this time he felt he needed to hurt me. He may have flirted or been with other woman prior to that but I never knew and he would never admit to any of his wrong doings including is infidelity even to this day. There was no cell phones, gps or social media at that time. So I had to go based off of his actions and my own feelings.

I honestly didn't care whether his relationships with other women after me worked or not. I was never going to compare myself or our M and I still would never do that. I worked on me and my life with my kids. That was my focus and goal over the years.

I let go of the past and have accepted what my XH has become. He hasn't owned up to his bull crap ever. But hat is not for me to worry about.

As a BS... If we are to move on after we have left or D our WS, we need to stop staring at the door behind us and let the new ones open up. There is no guarantee that the next relationships will be any better but we have to beleive that there are better people out there for us and have some hope and faith. In my case infidelity happened in my second M but the circumstances were different and we decided to R. I fortunately had the tools to deal with it.

Even if I had decided to leave my H. I wouldn't waste my time wondering if he and his AP are working out. I'm sure eventually he would wonder why the hell he ever made the choice he did down the road. I wouldn't care. Because to me, moving on means moving on. Once he wants to be with the AP. He can keep her. I love myself way too much and am way too good for that.

I am sorry that your H has no boundaries and that you are going through this. If your daughter is smart she will cut off her friend and let them have each other. He made his choice let him keep her and let him go. Your best revenge is a great and happier life with someone else.

Keep working on yourself. You will get there. Good luck to you.

June 11, 2014

I think Popsicle nailed it in Post#6

Sometimes a relationship is so destroyed that it is easier to start over with someone new. You don't have to be married for this to be true either. As to whether things with the new person will become destroyed too, it depends on how committed the people are to learn from their past mistakes and not commit the same mistakes again.

I divorced my WH to be with my affair partner. As soon as he was divorced she didn't want him and went back to her fiance (who knew nothing about it) so I told her fiance and he gave her the boot. She went back to my exWH. They are still together many years later but whether it is out of fear of being alone, love, control, because they can't get anything better - who knows. Maybe they both know deep down that they are someone else's cast-offs and are happy to settle for that.

I know it's tough and it hurts like stink but you must try and be the best person you can, now, for yourself. Keep working on yourself and do the things that make YOU feel good.

Good Luck.

June 11, 2014

As it appears the thread starter is sharing their personal experience and is seeking the experience of others who have lived day-to-day with their former affair partner, let's keep the focus on that aspect, the personal, since LoveShack is a peer to peer discussion forum to share personal experiences. Thanks!

June 11, 2014

Well, an update on this; I know the AP personally and my husband moved out to be with her last night; his stuff was gone, apart from a few cans of beer, and he moved into her house - which is not far down the block from us. I know where she lives, because she invited us to BBQ's and things a few years ago (she got the house when she was 23, family bought it for her). I'm now starting to file for divorce, but it's taking a long time to do so, I'm in the research stages now. The OW is Indian, from a wealthy family, she owns her own house, we're middle-class, so I don't think she's with my husband for the money, and judging by her constant mentions of being in love with him on Twitter, they are in a relationship. As for the age gap, my husband's 43, this woman's 26. This woman's also a graduate too, not that it's relevant, natch. I honestly thought she was a friend, she used to have convos with me and my daughter a lot, girly chats but now I feel betrayed about this.

However, unlike some people with the OM/OW, I have to see her every day since she's technically a neighbor, and the fact she's my daughter's best friend, she's known my daughter since she was 18 in college.

The emotional stress is worrying me immensely.

I know I probably shouldn't worry about him living with the OW, but given who she is and the fact my soon-to-be-xH will be living with her on the same road, in my neighborhood, don't I have reason to try and be upset?

June 11, 2014

Of course you will be upset! it's a situation you cannot get away from.

Can you sell the house and down-size somewhere else? Who needs to have additional reasons to obsess and feel unworthy?

Serve him with D papers, split assets, and move on!

Until you are able to do so, have a party! Invite your children, your friends, your family.

Do not invite them. They are NOT welcome. In fact, have a few parties. Socialize at home and out.

The best revenge is living well. Start today! Do not hide indoors. Hold your head up, smile, laugh.......even consider dating in time.

STOP being predictable.

You are young...and your H is an idiot.

June 11, 2014

Well, an update on this; I know the AP personally and my husband moved out to be with her last night; his stuff was gone, apart from a few cans of beer, and he moved into her house - which is not far down the block from us. I know where she lives, because she invited us to BBQ's and things a few years ago (she got the house when she was 23, family bought it for her). I'm now starting to file for divorce, but it's taking a long time to do so, I'm in the research stages now. The OW is Indian, from a wealthy family, she owns her own house, we're middle-class, so I don't think she's with my husband for the money, and judging by her constant mentions of being in love with him on Twitter, they are in a relationship. As for the age gap, my husband's 43, this woman's 26. This woman's also a graduate too, not that it's relevant, natch. I honestly thought she was a friend, she used to have convos with me and my daughter a lot, girly chats but now I feel betrayed about this.
However, unlike some people with the OM/OW, I have to see her every day since she's technically a neighbor, and the fact she's my daughter's best friend, she's known my daughter since she was 18 in college.
The emotional stress is worrying me immensely.
I know I probably shouldn't worry about him living with the OW, but given who she is and the fact my soon-to-be-xH will be living with her on the same road, in my neighborhood, don't I have reason to try and be upset?

She is not your friend. She is not your daughter's friend. She lives in your neighborhood but it's not necessary to speak her or them unless you have neighborhood watch meetings or so forth. Why are you following her on twitter?!?!

You should not worry about the life they are about to live. Worry about you!

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