loz_202 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Hi everyone, Let me start off by saying that I'm new to LS but I wanted to get some oppinions. Preferably from guys or people who have been in similar situations. Sorry if this is a little long Ok so here goes..... So about a 9 months ago I met this guy who was good friends with my BIL as well as having a few other mutual friends. We hosted a poker night at our house when we first met and straight away we CLICKED. I found that we ended up spending most of the night talking to each other. A mutual friend that knew him very well had said he was single and that she even thought we would be a good fit before we even had talked. A few weeks later I saw him again at a party and again we ended up talking for quite a while but this time I was called away from the party early and had to leave rather abruptly. The next time I saw him was 3 weeks on and my sister and BIL were going away overseas and had organised a small get together at our house. I had to work back that night and had no idea he was even coming but when I arrived home he was there with another mutual friend. Once again were talking mostly to each other (In fact he didn't really even talk to my BIL that much which made me wonder if he was here for him or me). So at this point I found that I thought this guy was really cool. I had never met anyone that I had clicked with straight away such as this guy. We had so much in common and strangely I felt really comfortable around him. He was in no way acting sleazy or trying to hit on me in fact he was just very friendly. We also had a strong mutual interest in producing music and had even played and sung together at the party for a bit of fun. A mutual friend had told me he video recorded it and was showing his friends and family and saying how good I was. Now...before I continue I would like to add that I had only been in one serious relationship for a few years which had ended about a year before. My last partner I had actually pursued and asked out. This didn't really work in my favor as even my ex will admit that I ended up investing more into the relationship than what he did. That relationship ended very badly and left me quite scarred and a bit dis trustworthy of men to say the least. I didn't date anyone for a while as I wanted to let myself heal before stepping out into the dating scene again. For this reason I decided that If a guy really liked me that he could initiate asking me out as I didn't want to be the one doing all the chasing this time. Hence I didn't make the first move. That night he didn't ask me out or for my number so I left it at that and continued on with things. 2 weeks later he sends me a friend request a facebook along with a message saying that he was glad to meet me and had a blast singing and playing with me. We spent the next few days just chatting back and forth. I told him I thought he was a cool guy and that we should do it again sometime. He said he felt exactly the same and we exchanged numbers. I told him just to let me know when he was free. A week and a half passes and I don't hear from him. Some friends and I decided to go the the local watering hole for a few drinks. He didn't live very far and I decided to text him just to see if he wanted to meet up and have a few drinks himself......No response. At this point I figured he must of lost interest and decided to cut my losses and leave him be. I ran into that mutual friend of ours and she had asked me how things went with him and if he had contacted me at all. I filled her in and said that I figured he had lost interest. She told me that he was going through some major family issues esp with his dad. I believed this as another mutual friend was dating his sister and had told me about the drama's they had with the father. I said I understood and just figured the timing was bad. 2 MONTHS later I get a text from him out of the blue asking how I was and apologised for not contacting me as he also stated the family drama's. The texts back and forth continued for a few hours then BAM again I don't hear from him AGAIN!. At this point I'm rather annoyed as he was confusing the crap out of me and was jerking me around. I decided to delete him off FB and not even bother with this guy. (Ain't nobody got time for that!) A few weeks later I had noticed both his brothers deleted me after being FB for 4 years. (We went to school together) So yesterday.... nearly another 5 months on and I log onto FB and he has sent me a friend request and a message: Hey ____, been a while, how u been? i been making music hard latley was thinking of u! i lost your number though i think u should definately come check out what I'm doin, would love for u to join my have a lil sing! My number is ____________. So I'm absolutely dumbfounded when I read this. I mean WTF is going on with this guy!. More out of experiment I decide to reply. Told him how I've been blah blah, gave him my number and told him to let me know when he was free. Hours later at god knows what time of night I get a text saying sorry if he had woke me (I told him once I'm up of a night time when not working but that's not the point) he sends me pics of his new studio. Replied saying was on a overnight shift but I loved the setup and was keen. That was yesterday and still haven't heard from him SO after all that my question is what the F*** is up with this guy?. He is completely sending me mixed messages and I really don't understand why. I am not chasing him and when he ignores me I just leave him alone. If he contacts me I will reply. (Sometimes not straight away but within a reasonable time frame). Its like he keeps asking me out but when I say yeah I'm keen he doesn't respond or set a date. If he doesn't like me that much why keep contacting me every couple of months to ask me out. Why not find someone else to stuff around. He's not a bad looking guy he could definitely manage to find someone else. Some clarity on this situation would be nice from anyone who is kind enough to answer Thanks
morrowrd Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) It appears to me that both of you are playing the same game. I say the word game, but in your case, I'm not feeling it's a game like others play, but the best word to describe whats going on between you two. Maybe a better word would be, both of you are using the same "system" when it comes to each other. You, have a system you use for potential suitors, a combination of specific boundaries and behaviors you utilize, to keep yourself on solid ground. (nice and safe) This guy has specific behaviors and boundaries he uses to "separate his worlds" - in this case, his homelife and family are particular things he would like to draw borders around, and shield anyone outside of those parameters, from experiencing the drama and hurt he has gone through. (and the two shall never meet) The problem here is that the two systems work against each other, your's and his, alienating the two of you from ever getting together. From my viewpoint, and as advice to you, you need to evaluate what the potential is here, and if you really want to entangle yourself with someone who communicates this way when there are problems in their life. Your system is less complicated, it's one that protects you until a person gain's your trust. In a relationship with this person, I'm wondering if you will simply be navigating a hop-scotch of various events where you are always the one responsible for making the first move, and basically doing all the work. Not to mention, did you want to be dragged in to all the family drama? In spite of his efforts, what goes on behind the scenes sends me the message he could be underhanded, why else would the brother's unfriend you other than he was talking to them....about you. Do you want ownership of all that? Sounds complicated to me. Edited June 8, 2014 by morrowrd
juicygirl Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 The guy is not giving you mixed messages at all, his not asking you for a date, he wants to hang out and he likes your singing voice, so maybe wants to record with you. Maybe he likes you as a frien, but realises you want more and doesn't want to go out with you too much because he doesn't like you in that way. You said you don't want to chase him,but that's exactly what you did, you were the one to say "we should do it again something" and he said "yeah sure!" you were the one who said "o.k let me know when you're free." When he didn't get back to you, you got emotional and deleted him off Facebook. If he wanted to date you he would have asked you out by now or he would be trying to get to know you more. I mean I lost your number! What is that. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 His interest level is low to non-existant. 4
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 You misinterpreted his friendliness for romantic interest. He was in no way ....... trying to hit on me in fact he was just very friendly. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) As a grunt recruit in the navy i often did more than my fair share of work it was quite common for me to pick up others slack,at school the same I would do others homework for the simple love of words, my english teacher would pick my style every time and I eventually had to hang up my homework girl status and stop trying to cover them when they were off or sick or whatever, the thing is i had a specific job to do in the navy I was a writer, and often i would get anxiety because i wanted to do the best job i could do without falling asleep on watch, so i learned to sleep with my eyes open.I wasn't often thanked in fact rarely was i thanked in fact, it came to be expected debbie will cover me, i would miss out on weekends of r and r.I was not fond of drinking, nearly got run over by a tram so i limited my drinking and therefore was not really popular or really bonded with many.I became a target for gossip, tall poppy syndrome.I am digressing though, so I will turn it back to topic and give a point to what i have written. If you are the one contacting it becomes expected and the other party develops a lazy inconsistent blase attitude in returning interest and effort.Loz will contact me so ill wait and see how i feel if i reply or not.Or it could be a game which i am also not fond of , i hate dating etiquette prefer honesty as i am sure you do too. It is hard to know his exact motivation without knowing him personally or observing his communication style, i feel that the first answer was very thoughtful that you have received and pretty in depth on both sides.I have just provided you with another perspective of laziness and blase behavior and the extra thought that many guys who are insecure will take advantage of the situation you have presented to benefit their inability to communicate successfully, which has also successfully, confused you into a state of limbo and indecision. I would if i were you, let him do some leg work for a while,to initiate at least half all correspondence, always follow your heart when communicating with him, family problems cause insecurities if you want to build a guy up who has problems, you motivate them with confidence on your behalf,confidence in them , happy to hear or see them when they do actually turn up or call, and go easy ,no pressure.Do not allow your good nature to be mistaken for weakness....When he doesn't contact you for a while and attempts to reengage welcome that , but don't be taken advantage of. best wishes and good luck .....deb Edited June 8, 2014 by todreaminblue
Author loz_202 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Thanks guys for answering my question. I know it was long winded. I honestly have to agree with all of you in many aspects. Especially @Morrowrd and @Todreaminblue. My experience with relationships and men is quite limited at this stage and I still have a lot to learn. I've really wanted to arm myself with as much knowledge and advice so that I can approach the dating scene with a clearer perspective and know what to look for/avoid in order to not end up repeating the same patterns that occurred in my last relationship. (Now I know what all those depressed country singers were going on about lol) To be clear I have no interest in pursuing anything with this guy. Been down that road and won't do it again. @Todreaminblue yes I agree with the dating etiquette. Seems like the games really do over complicate things instead of just being honest as you said. Thanks again and if anyone else wants to add anything by all means. I find it interesting get different POV's
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