Going through some addiction pangs and missing my EAP..need a little support..

[tnimbus]

My EA was online and went on for two years, mostly on a game site, but Skype and sending pics was involved...the EA "ended" last October2013...no contact until Feb/2014...then no contact until March when I was asked if we could be friends..I foolishly said yes because I missed him...then boom! it was starting up again...I couldn't go down that road again, so I sent a no contact email to him yesterday and left every site I know him at....sighs...I miss him, I won't lie, and the pangs are bad...but I DO NOT want to go down that road again. I know I'm "missing" what I wanted him to be...not who he was...it's still hard though. I guess I could just use some advice and support right now..and to know that I'm not alone.

 

My LTP knows about the EA and has been supportive of me...we have our problems to work out beyond the EA, and I want to do that...we love each other very much, and I know this EA has to completely go so we can work through our own issues.

[dezzi]

One day isn't really long enough to get over an addiction. I think you are feeling quite normal and just need to find something different to focus on. Something that takes a lot of brain work would be best I think and give yourself some more time. I will be honest I am currently in a PA and don't have experience with EAs but I imagine it is much harder to let go.

[tnimbus]

Thank you Dezzi. This has been an odyssey really, 2 years "together", then this last 8 months of breaking apart..then talking..then breaking apart. I wanted to try to be "just friends" with him like we used to be, at one time we were very good friends, but that isn't going to work. You're right, I think, and I'm going to take your advice on keeping my mind busy. It's SUmmer, lots of gardening to do...it is good to have a place to come to when the addiction pangs get bad...only a couple of my friends know about it, so there aren't a lot of people to talk to.

I haven't had an experience with a PA, but it seems like it would be hard to let go as well.

[BetrayedH]

You're right that you're stuck on who you want this OM to be, rather than who he is. You've got thoughts of a perfect guy for you and frankly, it's easy for him to show you just that from such a distance. It's pretty much impossible for your long term partner to compete with a fantasy in your head. Heck, even when dating, people wear their best clothes, best cologne - they only show their best side. It can take time to realize that they actually live a slovenly lifestyle, are near broke, and would be an awful partner. Your life with him could end up one where he sits and plays videogames in his underwear all day (chatting it up with other chickie pies), while you are the breadwinner and doing all the housework. But you're not really thinking about that, right? You have different visions in your head.

 

In the meantime while you're engaging in this fantasy, you have a real, albeit imperfect, long term partner that is physically there for you and has had the courage to be vulnerable and show you all of them. Will you toss that person away for the sake of a daydream? Your poor partner is unable to unshow you their imperfections.

 

When you find yourself engaging in this fantasy, I recommend you envision a stop sign and force yourself to redirect your thoughts to reality. Spend the next five minutes planning something nice for your REAL partner that is still there for you despite your imperfections. Send a flirty text, write a note, plan a date - you get the idea. The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

[Bittersweetie]

I was in the same situation, in that I projected onto my xOM everything I needed/wanted at that time, therefore making him the "perfect" man, and my H couldn't compare. I did become addicted to him, or the idea of him. I went NC which included no contact and no googling or anything. The way I dealt with it was one day at a time. Whenever I had the urge to do something, I just told myself, "I'll do it tomorrow." Then, the next day, I would say the same thing. The days turned into weeks into months. Now it's been over 4.5 years and I am fine.

 

Good luck.

[tnimbus]

Thank you BH and BSW, your words and ideas have helped me this morning, after a very rough night of not much sleep and beating myself up emotionally. BH, what you're saying, YES!!..in my rational mind I know this would've never worked out, whether I was single, or not, and that the "fantasy" part of it is what was keeping me hooked.

I'm going to be open with some things, so I can "defantasize" him, and so I can look at them when the withdrawal symptoms hit, not to belittle because I have my own issues definitely. My xOM drank a lot that he admitted to,(I suspected alcoholism after awhile), he got into trouble on his job for being on online games at work that he admitted to,(they made him go to therapy in order to keep his job), and he lived right next door to his "ex" wife in their rental house, that he only admitted to after he sent me a package with an address different then the one I had for him..and I asked him about it. He flirted openly with other women on the game we played and admitted, after getting caught "with his cyber pants down" to having cybersex with 3 (I'm sure there's more), and he was kicked off the game twice for bad behaviour...they let him back in only because he puts tons of money into this online game. These were things he admitted to, I can only imagine what he hid and never admitted to.

Why on Earth would I put up with this, you might ask? Believe me, I've asked myself too. Part of it was that he would send me "suicidal" emails when we would split up, and part of it was that I felt "needed" and horribly guilty that he would "do" something to himself. I also hoped to somehow understand my own compulsions to not let him go and to possibly get some closure....and by keeping the contact going, I was avoiding dealing with some very real life issues with my LTP. I see that now.

It was heading down the primrose path again, and I just said NO!, No more..I can't and won't get entangled in this anymore, NO MORE!!...I said my closure piece, and accepted that "if" we had gotten together(was never going to happen, I know), I would've been in another country with a drunken letch who was deeply depressed and possibly jobless because of his lack of self control, and we would've been living right next door(practically in the same yard) to his ex and ex-inlaws. What a horrible, horrible life...certainly not some internet fantasy.

That helped a lot...I have a good man by my side, and like all humans, we're flawed and have our issues to work out...I've accepted that in order to work them out, and work out my own issues, there can't be other people involved.

The OM was "avoidance"....I see that now, and I know the withdrawal pangs are me trying to go into "avoidance" mode again...still doesn't make them any easier though.

Thank you for listening to me rant on..I do not mean to cast aspersions or put my own blame in this on another, only to get out what's inside, it is helping.

 

Yes BSW, what you allow will continue, that one sentence is helping me greatly.

[BetrayedH]

Good thoughts all around, I think.

 

Yes, keep "defantasizing" him. Nothing wrong with keeping his flaws top of mind when you find yourself imagining an unrealistic fantasy life with him. It's good that you can recognize this "avoidance" mode. I can tell you that "conflict-avoidance" is one of the big three contributors to affairs in my mind. Sadly, it's natural and usually well-intentioned but leads to resentment (which will kill a relationship when it goes unresolved). IMHO, it's better to suffer the short term effects of conflict than it is to suffer the long terms effects of avoiding it.

 

Last quick thought - I recommend avoiding the trap of 'needing closure' from the OM. Closure comes from within. He does not hold the answers as to why you've engaged in this behavior. He probably could have been anyone that gave you more attention. The answers are within you. You may have felt entitled to more or perhaps you've got an excessive need for external validation.

 

I don't know what you deserve (or what anyone deserves, to be honest). But I would bet that cheating, emotionally or otherwise, is something that violates your own standards for yourself. And when we need something so badly that we'll break our own standards to get it (and hurt loved ones in the process), I think it's wise to look long and hard internally to determine 'why' you need it so much. It probably has little to do with your OM or LTP and has more to do with your family of origin and childhood (not feeling loved or accepted enough) and it transfers to adulthood as we continue to seek external validation from others.

 

Anyway, it sounds like you're being good and introspective now. Excellent. Keep that commitment to NC and keep reinvesting in your relationship. If you keep making decisions of which you can be proud, your self-pride will return. On top of that, your partner will have more confidence that he won't suffer a repeat performance.

 

Good luck. Keep reading and posting.

[Bittersweetie]

I agree with the de-fantasizing. I found as another way to get through NC that whenever I thought about xOM, I'd think about negative things. Like my H's face when I told him. Or some of the nasty things xOM said to me. Those things instead of the "good times." My brain began to associate xOM with negativity...therefore the thoughts waned.

 

As for closure...BH is right. I read so many threads here of people who want closure. I was one of them. I learned the hard way, twice (one was xOM, another close girlfriend), that I wasn't ever going to get the answers I needed. And...that is okay. We still move on and grow.

 

Good luck and be strong! You are on a positive path.

[tnimbus]

Sleeping better, taking your advice BS about the pangs. Each day I don't speak with the OM is getting better, still going through the 'withdrawals", so trying not to make any impulsive decisions or undertake any rash impulsive actions. I've done that before and I don't want a repeat performance. Something I admitted to myself, and have written down in a few places is,"Everytime you've started talking to OM again, you wished you hadn't." This is very true. I would break my word to myself, talk to him, then feel like crap, a vicious cycle that could go nowhere. I'm not doing it again.

 

You're right BH, cheating, in any way, is something that is below my standards. Being deceitful is not me, and I have always been a person who tried my best to keep my word. I'm taking your advice and looking back at my family of origin. There are definitely some issues there. Grew up with a grandmother who I suspect was BPD, I never knew how she was going to react from one day to the next to anything...so some definite learned behaviour of hiding my emotions and not setting someone off. Emotionally, I was a child for a long time, and I suspect some of the issues I thought I had worked out have been rearing their heads again since her death.

[Spectre]

we love each other very much.

 

Umm, you don't love him if you are missing the dude you cheated on him with. Seriously, you post a topic about missing the scum you cheated with and in the same topic try to claim you love your partner?

 

I feel bad for your partner. Why not just leave them? Let them go find someone who respects and loves them and won't miss utter slimeballs.

 

If you care about your LTP then please break up with him. You can't sit here talking about being friggin addicted to some other dude while saying you love him.

[tnimbus]

I don't miss him, I miss what I wanted him to be. I did break it off with the OM and don't communicate with him. What I'm saying here is that I recognize that the EA wasn't love, in any way...it was a substitute for avoiding the issues with my LTP, who I do love, very much. It was a substitute for what was missing in my LTR, what I'm trying very hard to work on. The "addiction" pangs are normal, from what I've read, when cutting off a relationship with someone, even if that person is not good for you.

...and he was not good for me, my relationship, or my life. I mean no ill, but it has helped me to get that out, to say that...holding it in and not bringing it into the light was holding up any progress with my LTP, who I very much want to be with. I meant no harm, or disrespect to him, or to anyone suffering from being betrayed.

[harrybrown]

If you partner was the one with the EA, and the roles were reversed, how would you feel?

 

Your partner is hurting. I hope you try to help them.

[tnimbus]

I've thought about that, and I would feel terrible. I betrayed him, I know this, and I'm trying to make things right. If I could go back and not have the EA, I would, but I can't. I'm more sorry about it then I could ever say...and I know he's hurting. That's part of why he is so quiet.

 

I'm trying my best, and being able to come here, even if people take it badly, which I understand, is helping. I can see both sides of things in a clearer light, and see just how much damage affairs cause, whether they're physical or emotional.

[Red123]

Umm, you don't love him if you are missing the dude you cheated on him with. Seriously, you post a topic about missing the scum you cheated with and in the same topic try to claim you love your partner?

 

I feel bad for your partner. Why not just leave them? Let them go find someone who respects and loves them and won't miss utter slimeballs.

 

If you care about your LTP then please break up with him. You can't sit here talking about being friggin addicted to some other dude while saying you love him.

 

I don't think that any of us on here can say she doesn't love her partner. It looks like she is being real with herself and the fantasy she created with this OM. We can really love people and still hurt them deeply. We can also love people and make incredibly selfish choices that effect them. I don't know her whole situation other than what she is posting and she is saying that she does love her partner. So we have to take that as her truth. I also don't believe that the answer is to always leave. It is said on here a lot and in some situations that is the answer but not all. If she wants to work things out and make amends she should. Only they know what's best for their lives.

[Clay]

Its really good your starting things in the right direction but its only going to get harder to deal with from here. I would keep my distance from the EA Partner at all cost. No emails no nothing. If your SO sees any kind of communication or you even looking up the other person He is liable to trigger. Your going to have to do all the heavy lifting to make your SO feel you want and love only him. I would be honest with him and keep everything out in the open. I would take a step back from any kind of online social media sites and stuff related to that.

 

I wish you both the best.

 

Clay

[Spectre]

I don't miss him, I miss what I wanted him to be.

 

If you loved your partner you would not be missing ANYTHING to do with this scum of another man. You are here talking about going through addiction pangs, and these pangs have to do with another man. I'm struggling to understand how you think you can feel that and also love your partner.

 

The "addiction" pangs are normal, from what I've read, when cutting off a relationship with someone, even if that person is not good for you.

 

If you loved your partner you wouldn't be having pangs for the guy you cheated on him with. A person committed to reconciling doesn't miss the OM or what they wanted him to be or any of that non sense. They don't feel addicted to him or go through pangs for him. If they think about him it is only how he is a piece of garbage that almost cost them everything.

 

I meant no harm, or disrespect to him, or to anyone suffering from being betrayed.

 

The thing is..it doesn't actually matter if you don't mean any disrespect, because disrespect isn't always intentional. The fact of the matter is you cheated on your partner. You are now apparently trying to work these things out, but I find it hard to believe you could truly love this person and still be missing the guy you betrayed them for. That is a punch in the gut to any guy who has been cheated on. You missing "who you wanted him to be" isn't any better.

 

Let me ask you, what does your partner say now about the fact you miss the guy(or who you wanted the guy to be) and what does he say about you feeling addiction pangs for him? Since, you have told him about this, right? That you are having addiction pangs for the man you betrayed him for and that they are, indeed, "bad" pangs?

[Spectre]

I don't think that any of us on here can say she doesn't love her partner.

 

Actions speak louder then words. Actions like missing this other man and feeling "bad addiction pangs" for him. I wonder how her partner would feel to read that. How do you think the partner would feel? Do you think he'd want to continue reconciling?

 

We can really love people and still hurt them deeply. We can also love people and make incredibly selfish choices that effect them.

 

You don't cheat on someone you are in love with. People always say "we hurt the ones we love" and yeah, that is true, but there are friggin LIMITS to what we do if we are truly in love. One of those limits is you do not under any circumstances cheat.

 

I don't know her whole situation other than what she is posting and she is saying that she does love her partner. So we have to take that as her truth.

 

We really don't have to take that as the truth when in the same topic she talks about how badly she misses this other man and how bad her addiction pangs for him are. So when we have contradictions in the very same topic I don't think you could blame anyone for not believing her. That is fair I feel. All we have to go on are what one side says, we rarely get both sides. So when that only side we get contains contradictions then..well, there is a problem.

 

I also don't believe that the answer is to always leave. It is said on here a lot and in some situations that is the answer but not all.

 

Because the person you betrayed deserves a shot at being with someone who will never betray them, that is why I say leave.

 

If she wants to work things out and make amends she should. Only they know what's best for their lives.

 

Right, but see again we come to the problem of this woman talking about how much she loves her partner..in the same topic she is talking about missing the OM very badly and having very bad addiction pangs. Why..why are these kind of very vital tidbits of information being ignored? Merely because she then says "oh but I totally love my partner"? I know, I know, she only misses what she wanted the OM to be. The end result is, of course, her still missing another dude.

[Red123]

There is merit to what you are saying but I don't agree with the very black and white approach you have with this thread. The reason being that it looks to me like she is very new to ending her A and may be on here to work out some of these inner conflicts she is having. My point was that I don't think we can say leaving is right for her. Some people truly believe that if you are cheated on there is no redemption and the cheater can not change, so walking is the only way. I just don't agree because I believe that although there are many similarities with As on this board that every situation is different. In your case maybe leaving and never looking back was the best thing you ever did, I don't know your story, but it's not for everyone. I guess although the pieces of the thread you pointed out are valid I also saw someone looking for answers and support. I also saw remorse. We don't have to agree. I'm cool with that, my opinion is just that, mine.

Edited June 13, 2014 by Red123

[tnimbus]

Yes Red, there is much remorse, and I don't think Spectre quite understands, which is okay. In many ways, I don't understand myself. That's part of why I'm here, to read up on these sorts of things, and to try to understand why they happen, and to get and give support. EA's, especially online ones, can be very hard to disentangle from, because the reality of them is that they're fantasy. Fantasy life can get away from someone if their real life is not going so well. Fantasy is easy, real life is hard. From my experience, I've learned that the hard work real life requires is worth it though, and fantasies decay when exposed to the light. I can't really talk about this with people in my real life, besides my LTP..who knows every last detail, so the light I need right now is here.

When I say addiction/withdrawal, that's what it was in many ways. I never met the XOM in RL..so he became what I made him out to be in my mind. I think it's more recognizing that this "image" of him is what I became attached to, not the real man behind it. I get that people don't understand that, in all honesty, if this situ were turned around, I don't think I would take it too well either. Turning it around like that has helped me, and my LTP. He is a good man, and I would choose him over anyone, and I am very sorry for what happened. Putting my behavior out there, shedding light on it and resolving the "why" of it is helping. Resolving the "why", so as not to EVER get entangled in a similar situation is important, I think. Just hiding something away ensures it will rear it's ugly head again.

[SoleMate]

Your life with him could end up one where he sits and plays videogames in his underwear all day (chatting it up with other chickie pies), while you are the breadwinner and doing all the housework.

Thanks BetrayedH, eeww! That picture alone ought to be enough to cure the OP of her obsession.

 

OP, I know it's hard, but strict NC is the best step to a cure.