bowtiesarecool Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 I just found out about 12 hours ago that my wife slept with another guy. I can't feel anything. I'm not angry, I'm not upset, I'm not depressed, nor am I feeling self destructive. Well, not yet anyway. This is going to be a long story short, but I can give details if necessary. W had a miscarriage in 2010. We didn't deal with it well. She became distant, I became friends with a girl named KD. We became really close really quickly. W accused me of having an EA. Last year in from August - November she had an online affair. I found out, confronted her. Made her change her email address and tell him that she was going to work on her marriage. When I asked why she did it, she told me that it was because I was being an ass and disrespectful to her. I also refused to talk about having kids. After I confronted her, we started to heal. We began to rebuild our relationship. Then in Feb 14, she got a job offer to teach in Bahrain. Since she graduated in 2009, she wasn't able to find a job due to us being in Alaska. We moved to missouri in June of last year. She left in March 2014 to teach. We haven't handled it well. She became distant, saying that being apart has made her realize just how much of a jerk I am and how she deserved to be treated better. I became sensitive and needy because I felt that she was intentionally avoiding talking/spending time with me. We fought almost every other day. Its been rough. I got a message last night from a woman claiming to be the wife of a guy in bahrain. I confronted W about it, and after about 30 mins of wrangling, she admitted she drunkenly kissed him the day they met. I was upset, but it would have been something I could get over. Then she said she might have slept with him, but couldn't remember. At that point, I knew it was true. She had cheated on me and slept with another guy. The W of the guy said that they had slept together twice, but it might not be true because the guy just wants a divorce from her and might be playing it up. I honestly can't be sure at this point. She told me she hadn't been hanging out with guys (other than when those guys were with thier wives). But that's been a lie, so I really have no idea what to believe. After talking to a friend last night, she told me to take a few days and sort through how I feel, to not make any decisions before I sort out my feelings. But I have no idea what to do. I'm tired of feeling like a fool. How do I look at her again? How do I kiss her again? How do I sleep in the same bed with her again?
harrybrown Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Has she agreed to go NC with the OM? Did she use protection? has she written you a timeline of her affair? How long until you will be together again? Is she pregnant? Is she remorseful? These are a few questions that come to mind. You do need more information. If she is not remorseful and willing to work on the marriage, it will not work. If you do not have kids, and she in not remorseful, file for D. and tell her not to come home. Be sure and tell her family what she did. Good luck with this mess.
nofeelings22 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Honestly, it sounds like this marriage has run its course. You guys resent each other. It is very difficult to come back from where you are. 4
Author bowtiesarecool Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 Has she agreed to go NC with the OM? Did she use protection? has she written you a timeline of her affair? How long until you will be together again? Is she pregnant? Is she remorseful? These are a few questions that come to mind. You do need more information. If she is not remorseful and willing to work on the marriage, it will not work. If you do not have kids, and she in not remorseful, file for D. and tell her not to come home. Be sure and tell her family what she did. Good luck with this mess. She has agreed to NC. I told her that I didn't want any trace of his phone number in her phone. No messages, no contact info, no missed calls, etc. She agreed without argument. She said she did use protection. I told her that even though it was awhile ago, that I wanted proof of a negative pregnancy test and that as soon as humanly possible she would go get checked for STDs and send me proof. She has not written me a timeline of the affair. I will ask for one though. What other sort of information should I get? 1
No Limit Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 This marriage is dead. And I dare doubt that this was or will be the only affair she's had. 4
Buckeye2 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Then she said she might have slept with him, but couldn't remember. She said she did use protection. So, she does not remember if they had sex or not but she does remember that they used protection? 3
Author bowtiesarecool Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 So, she does not remember if they had sex or not but she does remember that they used protection? That's what I asked.. She said she blocked it out. But I'm not sure I buy that.
Realist3 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 That's what I asked.. She said she blocked it out. But I'm not sure I buy that. You're not sure whether you buy that????? You are honestly questioning in your mind if you believe... I can't even go any further. 2
LostOnes05 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Sorry to hear about this. I know first hand that getting cheated on sucks. Unfortunately, it seems as if she is lying to you a great deal. I would ask her to come home for a week and pack her things. The thing about cheating is that it shows a lack of respect for you as a person, and as her husband. How would you ever be able to trust her again? Think about that. Every time she didn't answer her phone, your mind would start to wonder where/who she is with. You don't need that from your wife, someone who pledged to be faithful to you. Tell her goodbye, that will either help jog her memory or she might block it out and actually start acting like your wife. Either way give her the D...divorce papers that is.
Author bowtiesarecool Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 You're not sure whether you buy that????? You are honestly questioning in your mind if you believe... I can't even go any further. You're right. No, I don't believe it.
janedoe67 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 It sounds as if she is still giving you trickle truth and trying to minimize it from her end. I would continue to insist on the tests for sure. Also, is there a way to check out her phone usage or get texts from your ell provider? If you have close friend or family (with one caveat I will save for later), get support from them right now. You need it. When she returns, if she IS remorseful, she will be willing to be gut level honest, she will be completely transparent, she will be patient and empathetic, and she will be willing to make changes to ensure this never happens again. If she balks at any of that, she doesn't get it. Keep your standards for this high. On your end....it sounds like both of you need to work on boundaries. You had a close female fiend that she objected to and worried about an EA - did you cut off that friendship or do the "we're only friends" routine? Why are you discussing this very personal marital information now with a female friend? BOTH of you will have to work on opposite sex boundaries for this to work. I am so sorry you are going through this. NO ONE deserves to be cheated on. 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 She did not tell you. She was found out. Then she was in damage control mode "might have" FFS. To me that means you know for sure you can't trust her, and what she cares about now is herself. Ask for a timeline if you want, it will only be what she think she can get you to buy. You know she lies when she can. I think, leave each other and move on. The world is wide. Without trust there is no marriage, and you don't trust each other much, it seems.
Author bowtiesarecool Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 It sounds as if she is still giving you trickle truth and trying to minimize it from her end. I would continue to insist on the tests for sure. Also, is there a way to check out her phone usage or get texts from your ell provider? If you have close friend or family (with one caveat I will save for later), get support from them right now. You need it. When she returns, if she IS remorseful, she will be willing to be gut level honest, she will be completely transparent, she will be patient and empathetic, and she will be willing to make changes to ensure this never happens again. If she balks at any of that, she doesn't get it. Keep your standards for this high. On your end....it sounds like both of you need to work on boundaries. You had a close female fiend that she objected to and worried about an EA - did you cut off that friendship or do the "we're only friends" routine? Why are you discussing this very personal marital information now with a female friend? BOTH of you will have to work on opposite sex boundaries for this to work. I am so sorry you are going through this. NO ONE deserves to be cheated on. I am going to insist on the tests, that is a non-starter. If she stalls for whatever reason, we won't even discuss anything to do with working on the marriage. High standards. That is a good way to look at it and I will be using that mantra. I asked for a detailed timeline. I asked for every gory detail and date. I don't particularly want to know, but I feel like I need to know so that I can move on (with or without her). She said she will provide me a written timeline. She does seem to be very remorseful and thus far as complied with what I want so far. There is no way for me to get texts from the cell provider. She uses whatsapp bc she's in a foreign country and can't SMS with the people that she needs to stay in contact with for her job. I will however find someway to obtain those messages if I can. I asked for her email password as well. In the past, yes, I stuck to the "we were just friends" routine, because I was foolish enough to believe that it was true. Her and I don't speak to each other anymore. In front of my W, I blocked her number from my phone to ensure that she knew there would be no more contact. Last night I was speaking to a family friend that both the W and I know and trust. I only talked to her because no one else was answering their phone and I needed to talk to someone. Today I spoke with my brother and tomorrow I will talk to an aunt. But I won't be 'outing' my W to anyone else. IMO, unless we separate bc of this, I won't be telling anyone else. I think that it is something that SHE needs to do, something SHE needs to tell. 2
tornapart2002 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Honestly, it sounds like this marriage has run its course. You guys resent each other. It is very difficult to come back from where you are. You are fairly unhelpful.....
petee Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Mate, she is talking total bollax. She knows if she's been indiscreet. You need to move on, she's a 'done it once guaranteed to do it again' wife. I feel for you mate, don't be a fool. 1
ryansa Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Bowtie, If your wife is in the UAE, look up the adultery laws there, and decide how far you want to go. Adultery is a criminal offence and treated very strongly.
Spectre Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 How do I look at her again? How do I kiss her again? How do I sleep in the same bed with her again? The honest answer her is that you don't do any of these things again. You don't kiss her anymore..you don't sleep with her anymore. She has lost that, she has lost the right to kiss you or touch you, etc. The answer is that you have to kick her to the curb. She cheated on you, she had problems and instead of handling them like an adult she lies to you and cheats on you. First it was only a kiss..then oh she slept with him. So yeah, how CAN you sleep in the same bed with her again? Imagine waking up in the middle of the night, seeing her there..and having all those images of her and this other dude screwing flooding into your mind. I know if that happened to me I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. I'd have to go sleep on the couch, or sleep anywhere that was away from her. 5
bubbaganoosh Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 The honest answer her is that you don't do any of these things again. You don't kiss her anymore..you don't sleep with her anymore. She has lost that, she has lost the right to kiss you or touch you, etc. The answer is that you have to kick her to the curb. She cheated on you, she had problems and instead of handling them like an adult she lies to you and cheats on you. First it was only a kiss..then oh she slept with him. So yeah, how CAN you sleep in the same bed with her again? Imagine waking up in the middle of the night, seeing her there..and having all those images of her and this other dude screwing flooding into your mind. I know if that happened to me I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. I'd have to go sleep on the couch, or sleep anywhere that was away from her. That's when you tell her to sleep on the couch or spare room and the marital bed is off limits. 2
Chi townD Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Dude, the only reason she told you is because she got caught by the OMW. That is the ONLY reason. If his wife never have found out, I speculate she would have never have told you. She's giving you the trickle truth of what happened. See, cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened. I mean, it went from being a kiss to MIGHT have slept with him to ensuring you that protection was used. You see the progression? Sorry to say this, but you're not getting the entire truth. Chances are she screwed this guy every moment she had with him. You're not getting the truth and you can't build a marriage on a foundation of lies. 5
road Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Dude, the only reason she told you is because she got caught by the OMW. That is the ONLY reason. If his wife never have found out, I speculate she would have never have told you. She's giving you the trickle truth of what happened. See, cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened. I mean, it went from being a kiss to MIGHT have slept with him to ensuring you that protection was used. You see the progression? Sorry to say this, but you're not getting the entire truth. Chances are she screwed this guy every moment she had with him. You're not getting the truth and you can't build a marriage on a foundation of lies. Schedule a polygraph test then tell WW the date and time.
y2k Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Stop wasting your time and divorce. People divorce all the time, and they end up finding other people and start all over. It's no big deal. 1
Spectre Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Schedule a polygraph test then tell WW the date and time. Don't waste money on a poly since the wife still cheated, a poly won't change that. Spend the money for a poly on some strippers or something. Or on a membership to a dating site. Basically on anything that gets him the hell away from his wife. 1
sidney2718 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Whoa! Many folks here are moving too rapidly. Don't do anything in haste that you might regret later. First, assume the worst. It is probably true. Second, decide what YOU want to do. How do you want this to come out. Don't feel that you in any way have to do kick her to the curb and certainly not by long distance communication. Third, once you decide what you want to do, tell her and then give her an in person chance to talk -- and listen carefully to what she says. Fourth, if you attempt a reconciliation, remember BOTH of you have to want that really badly in order for it to have a chance. At the end of this you will probably know what you want to do. Go and do it.
jackslife Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Hate to say it, I think your marriage is over. I'd get advice re assets and such. Lawyers are blood suckers so if you can separate without too much recourse to them then do. My advice. Sit down with your wife, tell her it's over and how best to bring the marriage to as pain free a conclusion as possible. Sorry bud.
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