I'm not coping [update]

[Upsetdan]

Where to start... 15 wake ago after a bit of a rough patch with my wife she asked me to stay at our caravan and I packed a shirt for work next day and left. This I now regret, I took for granted that I would be home with my wife and 3 young children next day.

Days turned into weeks and I am still out of family home, and struggling.

My wife asked for space mad I did not give her this, I pushed to come back and me not being there she says has been easier than me being there, I may have not pulled my weight around house as much as I could have, I have an extremely stressful job and I came home and took wife for granted, I see this now. I became withdrawn from family days out, my wife always asked me to come and I refused, another big regret.

The following weeks my wife spent a lot of time with her best friend who was recently single, and she has bit had a positive effect on my wife allowing me home. So much so she started bringing her brother round, a lot, amd was kind so match making!, I had paranoia about this and prob drove my wife insane. As was went on wife tells me this man has made his feelings know and wants a relationship with her. This flattered my wife. This destroyed me.

We went on a prebooked holiday with the intention of working on things.... I did not this man go, talked and questioned non stop. This again made wife mad, and she says I ruined my chance as I did not stop going on...

We returned home and my wife and her friend have fallen out, in a big way, but the brother has been there to "support" my wife. He has been spending time with her and my kids,

I had a man to man char with him this wk and

He told me his intentions are to have a relationship with her and support my 3 kids. This man has nothing, lives with his mate as does not have own place, no car etc. hr says they are seeing how it goes......

My wife denies this and insists they are just friends and she knows of his intentions, but has made it clear they are just friends, but she loves his support, and they have a laugh together.

In these 15 woks I have begged my wife, sent flowers, letters, everything, but this has just pushed her away and that she is angry as I always question about this guy.

She has said all along that we have a chance, but recently Said that there is no chance, but does not want a divorce.

I am to blame for the pushing and questioning but she seems unwilling to meet me half way to try again, I love my wife more than I can explain and being apart from her and the kids is killing me.

She is my life and my best friend. Sometimes she says we are getting somewhere then I push her away again.

I can't get this other guy out my head, he is always spending time with her, and when I with her she always texting.

How can I win her back?

I am in pieces, I try and give her space and then I ruin it. I have read a lot about emotional affairs and that is what I believe this to be. I have to trust that it has not turned physical. That would destroy me.

My wife has said that if she was to be in a relationship with him it would have happened by now. Although to me he made out they were, he is totally dismissive that he is doing anything wrong by asking a married woman of 2 yrs with 3 kids under 5 out. To me he has picked on a vulnerable girl. He has lots go girlfriends in the past which never last....

I want my wife to give us a try, we have so much, I see now my flaws and I haved worked on them. I will do anything it takes to win her bk. I love her with all my heart.

 

Any questions you have I will expand on.

Any points or advice will be eternally grateful for,

Think you

UpsetDan

[Upsetdan]

Sorry her friend had a nagative effect on my marriage, not positive!!!!!

[Grumpybutfun]

Honestly the best thing for you to do at this point is to move back into your family home...tell her she can live in the caravan. If you do not move back in, when she divorces you, because she will and with the support of this interloper, you will be seen in court as abandoning your children. It is your home too so she has no right to kick you out unless you have cheated (which she has emotionally if not physically) or abused her.

Make an appointment with a MC and tell her you both are going before you pull the plug forever, then see if a third party can help you two to come sort of negotiation. She may not want to, and if that is the case, it means she is already in an affair with the other man and has already checked out of the marriage. Focus on your children, get back into your marital home ASAP, and get some outside professional help even if she refuses. This is your life, these are your kids and she is playing games with both. She can't sit on the fence if she isn't willing to talk to you and work this out. Plenty of men figure out too late that they took their wives for granted, but usually if the wife isn't already moved on because of cheating or abuse or the wife isn't already having an affair, it can be rectified. See a lawyer to determine your rights and get into therapy, get your focus on your children and get back into your home now.

Best of luck,

Grumps

[Upsetdan]

Thank you for your response. I did not abandon my family and I have paid every bill since leaving I am also giving her money to survive. I stupidly went for the night thinking I would be bk, most of the issues since them have been down to my own doing, my insecurities and paranoia. My wife allows me to see kids when ever I want and is the best mummy to my kids I could ever dream of.

 

I have suggested MC and she declined, but has since sent me links to MC, then I have again pushed her way by questions.

 

We have both separately had help from our church, they obv want us bk as a family and forum wife to ask for help must be a good sign?

 

I have given her everything financially but emotionally not enough. This is my fault. I believe that family time with all the kids together will help but she is currently happy me doing my own thing with kids. I want this to change.

 

I sent her a long text today saying I want her bk, and my promises moving forward. Normally I get a flat no we are over, today she says she does not know,

 

I think this other guy has got into her head, I don't believe she wants a relationship with him, I would say he is a loser, but he is! I get that he has been there and his fallen for her, she is stunning, but he can't see he is interfering with a marriage and kids.

 

I believe my wife's head to be in the clouds a bit with it as he has given her attention I did not and this must be flattering, but long term he could not give her what she needs.

 

Although my wife had said she wants out, I can't totally believe that, I think I have just pushed her away so much, I have hurt her, and she might not believe my intentions. She knows I am so in love with her, and I negligence she is still in love with me.

 

It's just that something missing, stopping her from saying, ok, let's try.

 

I have suggested me stay 1 night a wk, then 2 etc, small steps. So far been knocked bk

 

I just want her so much! I married her for life! she is my life, she is my everything.

 

Just don't know how to play it from now......

[Yasuandio]

No one, or two days at a time. You are the married man of the home. Get back in your house NOW. Don't let her and this guy yank your chain any longer. Grumpy said is all. If it is over - fine. At least be in your own home manning up to this fact instead of hiding in the shadow with "what if's" driving you mad. Go home, man. And set up shop in your master bedroom. If she has an issue with marriage, she can go to couch and text her fanny off. Get legal advice now. Yas

[Mr. Lucky]

I have suggested me stay 1 night a wk, then 2 etc, small steps. So far been knocked bk

As others have so aptly stated, knocked back by whom? Whose permission do you need to stay in your own house, the one that you pay for?

 

I can only guess what this has been like for your kids. Get home now, sure they need you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RonaldS]

Walk into the house after work, plop down on the couch, hang out with your kids, have a beer.

 

When your wife starts freaking out, calmly tell her you agree that she needs space, point in the direction of the caravan and instruct her to get out. End of discussion.

Edited June 9, 2014 by RonaldS

[Mr. Lucky]

she asked me to stay at our caravan

As you're using it here, what does "caravan" mean?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Upsetdan]

sorry, im from UK. its a holiday home. 40 mins drive from my work and home

[Upsetdan]

quick reminder; the girl of my dreams, my wife and the mother of my baby fell out of love with me. this led to me leaving the family home 16 wks ago. i regret going so easily, i took for granted this would be for 1/2 nights.

in this time i have begged, pleaded, sent flowers, wrote letters, made promises, all to be rejected.

her best friend split with her fella and spent more and more time with my wife and this put a wedge in-between my wife and i. wife denied she was being pulled away from me during our separation, and was not listening to any negativity about reconciliation, her friend does not want us together. only this wk my wife has admitted that she did make it difficult. 6 wks ago this friend started bringing her brother to my house and very soon he declared his feelings for my wife. she told me straight away that she felt flattered by him but he was just a friend and he knew where he stood. she did agree that her friend was doing a bit of match making.

my wife and i with 3 young kids went on a 2 wk holiday, plan was spend time together and see what happens... BUT i could not let this other guy go, i question and pushed, and pushed some more.. this pushed my wife away.

back in the uk 2 wks and he has continued in his pursuit of my wife, she is def being drawn nearer and nearer to him. still saying she knows how he feels but he gets she not ready...

he has done everything he can to win her, lovely messages, love tokens of sorts... she will be loving this attention.

i have pushed her so far away with questions and assumptions she has gone cold to me and is now saying our marriage is over and she now feels hate for me.

everyone has advised me to give her space and she will come bk for the whole 16wks... now its to late.

the reasons for our separation initially was i was not being involved with family as i should have and was taking her for granted around house. this is true. i did not do enough, i have a stressful job and did not focus my energy on my kids or wife. a big regret.

this guy has messaged me basically warning me away from my own wife, that i messed up my marriage, ive had my chance its now his!!!!!

i am still madly in love with my wife, i want her and my children back, i cant bear life without them. i am in a really bad place right now, i am starting counselling tonight.

 

IF my wife and this man become official he will be a big part of my children's lives and i cant deal wit that. they are 4/3 and not even 1! my baby might grow up thinking this guy is her dad. my kids love men and when he has been over have loved him.

 

what can i do to win my wife back?

she says she could never love me again and she says divorce is something to do at somepoint.

 

i want my family back!

[bigman1]

Upset,

 

Follow this analogy. A person catches on fire and starts to run to escape the flames and pain. Of course, this only provides more oxygen for the fire and increases it. It causes them to breath harder and inhale the hot air and flames thereby causing internal damage and ultimately death. On the other hand, the could stop, drop to the ground, and roll around to extinguish the flames. You sir, are on fire and you want to run and you want everyone to help you do that. STOP. You are never going to "win" your wife back like that.

 

First, you have already said some things that clearly show that you need to get some counseling, not because of your wife, but because you sound horribly co-dependent or lack self esteem to a huge degree. Seriously, get some counseling, you sound pitiful. Not because you love your wife, but because you need her in a real unhealthy way. Get busy with that.

 

Next, "win" your wife back. Wake up. That was a competition that you won when you got married. If she is still holding auditions, then SHE has the problem. You might get her back from this guy, but then there is the next one and the next one, and so on. You don't have to believe me now, but if you read this board enough, you know that I am right. In short, if you are trying to WIN your wife back, then you have lost. You will continue to lose, and you will never win. If you can't see that, then that is proof of your need for individual counseling.

 

Finally, go home. Get in your bed. raise your child. Tell her, if she needs space, she can leave and only talk to you about child care. Tell her that she is not taking your child. It is his home and he will reside in it with the one parent that is following the rules of family, to wit: Faithful, loving, respectful, and protective of the family unit. If she can't get with the program, she can go with the other guy. That last one is gonna test whether you are gonna do what is needed to save your family.

 

There is so much more to this, but in the end, she is gonna play you like a fiddle because you think that by pleasing her you can get her back. That is so wrong that it is laughable. If she knows that she can ease you out of the picture and ease the new man in, then life will be great for her and you will lose. If she is forced to deal with the fact that you are a fighter and that if she wants a new man, that she can leave YOUR home and child and be with him and that a divorce will be filed, then life gets real for her. Using your words, if you want to win your wife back, force her to live in the real world with her man and have to create a new life with him in the real world. Nothing works like reality to wake someone up. If you try to nice her back, please her, or romance her, your child will be calling another man, "daddy".

[Upsetdan]

thank you for the response. I see clearly what your saying.

 

as far as the house goes it is privately rented in joint names (although i pay) , she is in the process of getting benefits to cover the rent and all the bills, and give her weekly spending money!!!! so i dont think me moving back there will happen.

 

i dont know if i mentioned earlier that this week i had messages from this guy basically warning me off MY WIFE and telling me MY MARRIAGE is over and its his turn now!! my wife still tells me that nothing is going on with them, she knows how he feels but he understands his position in that they are friends? BUT he is going all out to woo my wife.

 

i have 3 children under 5, this is a huge deal to me. i just dont know what i can do moving forward.

 

i am finding it impossible that we have separated and all i have done is want our marriage to work. she has been up and down with it all. i have pushed and pushed for answers on this bloke, but this has just pushed my wife further away.

 

i dont want to lose my wife, kids, my family. i want it back to how it should be, us 5 under the same roof, leading a stable, loving life together...

 

HELP

[RonaldS]

Move back in. She can't stop you. Tell her to go stay at her boyfriends if she can't handle you being around. And while you're at it, go ahead and file for divorce.

 

I mean, her boyfriend is sending you messages telling you to leave her alone?! Guy, WTF?!?

 

Screw both of them. You are just getting walked all over. Stand up for yourself and tell her to beat it. Kicks you out of your own house so that her boyfriend can threaten you? This woman is out of her mind.

 

Here's how I handle the situation: throw all of her crap in a pile outside and then message her boyfriend and tell him to come over and get her sh*t out of your yard. Change the locks. See ya girl! Have a good one!

Edited June 12, 2014 by RonaldS