ToThinkIs Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Quickly-- I've been living overseas for a few years. Had my ups and downs in relationships here. Now, for business/education reasons, I have to go back to my home country for six months. I've been having a bad year in many ways, from bad break ups to personal mishaps, and in my last month here, I've wanted to just have fun. I met this guy, randomly, a week ago and I thought "ok, we can hook up, and it'll just be for fun before I leave". I honestly just thought it would be a fling, or maybe even a one night stand. That's how much faith I've mustered in men around here lately, I just assume they'll all disappear soon enough. So I invited him over one night, intending to just have fun and never hear from him again, but he's actually been quite proactive about calling me, telling me nice things, being affectionate, and wanting to see me again. Now I've hung out with this guy for a week and strangely I actually like him....and I get the feeling he really likes me. Like in much more than a "just fling" type of way. He does not know I am leaving in 3-4 weeks. He knows I'm planning on visiting home soon, but certainly not that I will be gone for half a year . He's mentioned a few times that he's never been to where I am from and would love to visit there while I am there. He keeps asking me when I am leaving and I both dutifully avoid saying when ("well....soon....I dunno...") and I definitely avoid saying that it will be for six whole months. I need help on how to break it to him. I realise that the overwhelming likelihood is that after knowing me a couple weeks he will not want to pursue a long-distance thing and wait for me to come back. This trip is imperative to my career/education and I have no choice....i cannot postpone it more than a week or so. I know I need to tell him but I don't know how or when. I won't obviously wait until the day before I go because that's not fair to him, but I'm not sure if I should let us have a few more hang-outs, another week, I don't know. He came over again today and it was passionate and wonderful and affectionate and he kept telling me cute things that one does not tell to an emotionless fling.... Help. Anyone else every had such a situation? How did you handle it? I've done long-distance before and it is NOT easy. Especially not with someone you've just met :-( But after so many disappointments over the last couple years it seems a pity to just turn away from someone that I have an immediate connection with and who I feel could turn into something nice. He seems to be a genuinely good person. I don't want to screw him over by not telling I'm leaving and yet I'm trying to give us as many meetings as possible so he can get to know me a little before I present him with such an overwhelming option as trying to continue this while I am gone. Thoughts? Thanks in advance.
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Tell him ASAP. The same thing was done to me and it was extremely hurtful. He told me he had to make a trip to his country, but waited at the last minute to tell me he was leaving for 8 months. I felt hurt and mislead.
Author ToThinkIs Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Tell him ASAP. The same thing was done to me and it was extremely hurtful. He told me he had to make a trip to his country, but waited at the last minute to tell me he was leaving for 8 months. I felt hurt and mislead. How long did you know him before he was leaving? Did you decide to date him while he was gone? Do you think it would have changed your decision if he told you sooner? He seems to really like me and Im afraid that he will not want to pursue this because we are sort of on that cusp of getting to know each other....We've hung out several times but not spent the whole night together yet. We're supposed to have dinner together at his house (me cooking) and spending the whole night and etc soon, maybe this weekend or next week sometime. I was sort of hoping that I'd wait until we have this one really good night together and then tell him. I don't even know HOW to tell him. I haven't felt this way about anyone in a while....not since my ex, who I wasted countless time on, who was never into being in a normal relationship and was totally emotionally retarded. This is the first healthy, normal human being I have had feelings for in a while. I know I probably have minimal control over what happens but it seems such a shame if I mess it up when in the grand scheme of things 6 months is not so long in life...and he has already said he would take a month to come visit me in my home country if I went back to visit. That he'd come at the same time and see it with me. Ugh. How do I say this to him?
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) How long did you know him before he was leaving? Did you decide to date him while he was gone? Do you think it would have changed your decision if he told you sooner? He seems to really like me and Im afraid that he will not want to pursue this because we are sort of on that cusp of getting to know each other....We've hung out several times but not spent the whole night together yet. We're supposed to have dinner together at his house (me cooking) and spending the whole night and etc soon, maybe this weekend or next week sometime. I was sort of hoping that I'd wait until we have this one really good night together and then tell him. I don't even know HOW to tell him. I haven't felt this way about anyone in a while....not since my ex, who I wasted countless time on, who was never into being in a normal relationship and was totally emotionally retarded. This is the first healthy, normal human being I have had feelings for in a while. I know I probably have minimal control over what happens but it seems such a shame if I mess it up when in the grand scheme of things 6 months is not so long in life...and he has already said he would take a month to come visit me in my home country if I went back to visit. That he'd come at the same time and see it with me. Ugh. How do I say this to him? We dated for 6 months, he told me 3-4 weeks before leaving. I wanted to wait for him, he wanted to wait for me too, but he changed his mind once he was in the airplane heading there. I was extremely hurt and felt mislead he had not told me when we met. If I had known from beginning at least I would have had the heads up and be aware of the risks. Instead he left in the dark and I let myself fall hard for him not knowing about the trap ahead of us. Listen, what you're doing is misleading him. You want a good night with him because you want him to feel more attached to you before giving him the news. That is dishonest. He should be given a clear understanding of the situation before getting closer to you. If he doesn't want to wait for you it won't be the end of the world, you've known him for a very short time, you'll survive. At least you'll survive knowing you've done the right thing. Edited June 8, 2014 by Gaeta
redbaron005 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 We dated for 6 months, he told me 3-4 weeks before leaving. I wanted to wait for him, he wanted to wait for me too, but he changed his mind once he was in the airplane heading there. I was extremely hurt and felt mislead he had not told me when we met. If I had known from beginning at least I would have had the heads up and be aware of the risks. Instead he left in the dark and I let myself fall hard for him not knowing about the trap ahead of us. Listen, what you're doing is misleading him. You want a good night with him because you want him to feel more attached to you before giving him the news. That is dishonest. He should be given a clear understanding of the situation before getting closer to you. If he doesn't want to wait for you it won't be the end of the world, you've known him for a very short time, you'll survive. At least you'll survive knowing you've done the right thing. He changed his mind on the plane. Coward.
Author ToThinkIs Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 We dated for 6 months, he told me 3-4 weeks before leaving. I wanted to wait for him, he wanted to wait for me too, but he changed his mind once he was in the airplane heading there. I was extremely hurt and felt mislead he had not told me when we met. If I had known from beginning at least I would have had the heads up and be aware of the risks. Instead he left in the dark and I let myself fall hard for him not knowing about the trap ahead of us. Listen, what you're doing is misleading him. You want a good night with him because you want him to feel more attached to you before giving him the news. That is dishonest. He should be given a clear understanding of the situation before getting closer to you. If he doesn't want to wait for you it won't be the end of the world, you've known him for a very short time, you'll survive. At least you'll survive knowing you've done the right thing. You are very right in so many ways. I guess I'm just scared about the "what if" factor....'what if' he realises that I have potential and wants to wait for me, versus not knowing me very well and being too scared of distance to give it a chance. But I guess one or two weeks probably won't change things much. I suppose in the end people know from the first few times if they want to give something a chance.... I guess Im just not sure the best way to break it to him. I am always craving someone to literally tell me what to say at this point. Which is odd as normally I'm very proficient with words.... You're right. In the grand scheme of things I'll live. God knows I've had people I was madly in love with from 1-2 year+ relationships that eventually I get over. I am not sure that's the point really....it's more, and maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, but I think it's so rare to meet someone you click with that it seems sad to miss out on something just because one of you is leaving for a few months. But I know many people are not as willing as me to sacrifice in a long distance thing, especially not with someone they barely know. I guess i dont have much control over it either way. He's busy working this week....if I see him this weekend I'll tell him I suppose. Not really a conversation I want to have over the phone. If anyone magically thinks of some awesome, non-scary way for a girl to break this news to a guy, please do let me know. He has mentioned coming to visit me while Im home visiting my family and stuff, so the potential is maybe there to extend this, but I think he definitely has the impression I won't be gone as long as six months....he probably thinks im leaving just for a month or two max. ugh.
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