When Your Girl is Assaulted By Guys At Clubs

[nofeelings22]

There is another thread where a guy is having issues because someone kissed his girlfriend in a club. It really resonated with me because this particular social situation confuses the hell out of me.

 

So, here is a new thread to discuss this confusing, awkward social situation.

 

I've been the guy who is out with a girl or some girls when other guys are all over them. It's ok for a bit, but when it lasts along time, do you start getting annoyed even though you maintain a cool exterior? I mean the girl still goes home with you, but you start to look like an idiot after a while. At least I feel like I do if that happens.

 

Guys are so agressive, you go to the bathroom for 3 mins and they have your girl cornered even if they saw you together all night. Never fails.

 

They have zero respect for people who are together. I would never hit on a girl who was obviously with someone. These guys are really that hard up?

 

And what if you are both super sloppy drunk and she messes up and gives her email to someone? That's happened to me before in a dating situation. Nothing came of it and she was claiming to just be keeping in contact for art purposes (we were just dating, no commitment), but where do you draw the line??

 

When is this club behavior that 99% of all girls exhibit too much? When a guy goes in for a kiss like the op's situation? Sooner? Later?

 

What does everyone think?

 

And why do girls find it so necessary to slut around clubs like that? What's the big thrill? They all do it. I guess that's the female equivalent of men visiting escorts?

Edited June 7, 2014 by nofeelings22

[Baller25]

I occasionally try to hit up girls that have BFs at clubs and bars. Everyone knows that almost every breakup happens because the girl cheated on the guy, especially when the girl just needs a good reason to end the relationship. You can sense the opportunity when you see how the way a girl is interacting with her bf.

 

Your putting too much emphasis on the guys, and not enough on your girl. If your girl is giving off that bored vibe then that's whats causing it. Also, no guy can force a kiss or number/email/facebook exchange — it takes 2 to tango buddy.

 

The guys have zero respect for the boyfriend, not the girl. Why? Because she clearly doesn't have any respect for you if she's reciprocates back or hands out her details to a guy at a club.

 

You should start dating girls that aren't party girls. I know almost every girl might seem like they are party girls, but in reality most girls stay at home during a friday/saturday night which is it's only the party girls that seem to be around.

[umirano]

If the girl is not in a RS, I don't give a damn. But when considering a RS her clubbing patterns certainly have decision value.

 

If the girl is in a RS with me kissing and anything beyond that is not ok. So far so simple. But that doesn't quite cut it, does it. Obv each week another thread about drunk kisses and the like is posted on LS. Many people don't dump a GF over a (the first) incident like this. I can agree with that to some degree. The girl in question may be very young and may have underestimated the sexual aggressiveness, the erotic connotation of her dancing. It can't happen again. If the girl was purposely out fishing for erotic attention then we're out of gas obviously.

 

What are the reasons for this behavior in the first place? I don't know, I've never had it happen to me. I haven't aggressively approached girls like that in clubs, e.g. leaning over and just kissing them. I've got my ass grabbed (yes, as a guy by a girl), but she left the club after that.

 

I think a lot of girls really enjoy dancing. For some it may be the music and the moving and what not, and they may genuinely be fine just dancing with ther GFs all night, having a few drinks. But for many I suspect it's getting the attention, and I'd say many aren't even aware of that precisely because it's a toxic mixture of enjoying the music, the community with others, i.e. not being alone, the drinks, the "glamorous" atmosphere, being part of the clubbing culture, stretch limos, fake palm trees, exotic names for drinks, dressing up, etc and the attention. So it's a big blur, but it makes them feel good. They aren't alone, they fit in, everybody else does it, no need to think of alternatives. That's why they like it.

Many chicks probably aren't aware of what they're signalling to the men in the club. I think many men in clubs assume every pair of boobs is there just to hook up with, and even if not, there's nothing wrong with trying anyway.

 

It's hard to put my finger on it. Another aspect: If a girl wants to get laid, nothing easier than that. In any club, any time of the night.

 

So they can be in a club for all sorts of motivations ranging from just enjoying the music on sprite all night to just checking out their market value having dressed up some on a whisky sour or two to going full on slutting around on half a bottle of vodka, followed by a decent dose of ecstasy.

 

And your job as a BF is to figure out where on that scale you stand with her. Is she a cheater? Do I bore her so that she needs to hit the clubs? Does she really have control over her drug use, as she claims? Is she more insecure than it usually appears that she needs the clubbing? Is she just really into band XXX or DJ YYY?

 

That's my not very concise view on why girls go clubbing and the problems it could pose in a RS.

[Smilecharmer]

How is this assault?

[ThatMan]

How is this assault?

How is clubbing the equivalent of soliciting a prostitute?

[soccerrprp]

How is this assault?

How is clubbing the equivalent of soliciting a prostitute?

 

The OP is confused and frustrated and guys who are pissed tend to exaggerate things. His equating such is nonsense, of course.

 

OP, these types of things happen in clubs where there is alcohol involved. Even when I was in my 20s I didn't drink much b/c knew what craziness that could cause. Went to bars and clubs on occasion, but tried to stay away as much as possible b/c of the crap that goes on. You need to step up and let these guys know that your gf is taken, let her know how unsafe it is, she should be making more of an effort to get away from the other guys and you should suggest leaving....if she refuses to leave, you let her know that you are not going to take this and let her know that you are leaving w/ or w/o her.

[umirano]

I occasionally try to hit up girls that have BFs at clubs and bars.

I guess you're not looking for long term material?

 

Everyone knows that almost every breakup happens because the girl cheated on the guy, especially when the girl just needs a good reason to end the relationship.

I can't see the logic in that. So far I've been the one breaking up with the girls 4 out of 5 times, never over cheating either. Also I think you have it backwards, cheating is not a reason for the cheater to end it. It's the cheater ending the RS without telling the betrayed partner. In a non-marital setting it leaves the betrayed partner pretty much without a choice other than breaking up. But yeah, there are those desperate people who forgive and then the cheater really does end up having to break up himself.

 

Your putting too much emphasis on the guys, and not enough on your girl. If your girl is giving off that bored vibe then that's whats causing it. Also, no guy can force a kiss or number/email/facebook exchange — it takes 2 to tango buddy.

I agree wrt contact data. A kiss of course can be forced on someone, but then it's not cheating per se. The interesting question is, what did the girl do before the kiss happened? Think winks, smiles, touching...

 

The guys have zero respect for the boyfriend, not the girl. Why? Because she clearly doesn't have any respect for you if she's reciprocates back or hands out her details to a guy at a club.

Completely agree with that. Also, why should they respect the BF. They're not friends or family. I can't blame them. Not that I'd explicitly hit on girls with BFs, but apparently it happened. One time I ended up in a bar brawl and one time a friend came up to me and pointed out to me I shouldn't be hitting on the GF of a cartel gangster .

 

You should start dating girls that aren't party girls. I know almost every girl might seem like they are party girls, but in reality most girls stay at home during a friday/saturday night which is it's only the party girls that seem to be around.

Yeah, I guess in the end it's about compatibility. It's just hard because a lot of party girls are hot and sexual, which is attractive. But they're hard to keep around and a stable relationship with. Madonna-Whore-Complex...

[phineas]

OP, have you ever hit on a woman & been totally shut down?

 

If a woman wants a guy to leave her alone in a social situation she can make it happen VERY easy.

 

So the question is why isn't your GF doing this?

Your frustration isn't with the men it's with your GF.

 

Sorry bro but i've dated women like this.

 

You go to the bar or you go take a leak & she has guys all over her & then says "their so friendly" or some other crap.

They love the attention.

 

I've also dated women who have guys that hit on her the 2nd my back is turned & guess what?

She shuts them down HARD asap.

 

Guess which type of girl didn't end up cheating on me?

[noww]

In my experience and thoughts, girls do that when they are not 100% sure of the relationship. (I'm a girl and this is how I feel/act). So they test the water, so to speak. It is what it is.

[Imported]

I can't control the guys trying to hit on a woman I am with. If they do it in front of me, I will call them out on it though. I think their behavior is conniving and underhanded, but low quality people behave in such ways.

 

I can't control how a girl allows herself to be handled by other dudes.

 

I think in some cases, it's purely on the dude, but also in some cases, it's her behavior that triggers everything.

 

I like drinking with women. It shows me how they handle themselves and this is important to me.

 

This actually works out for me. It helps me see the girl for what she is and helps me figure out how to view and treat her. I have read some "PUA" stuff and they talk about women doing "shxt test". I think of this as a shxt test. I do judge, I do catagorize. I am observing and paying attention to what you do and how you behave.

[nofeelings22]

Uh.. i don't have a girlfriend and this post was about several random experiences at bars and clubs with girls I was lightly dating or just hooking up with and took out.

 

If it was a girlfriend, it wouldn't be one anymore if she didn't shut every guy down.

 

I date extremely attractive girls who are normally 10 or more years younger than me. These girls always get "assaulted" (a usa slang term for accosted) by every guy in the place. They are usually some of the best looking in the club, if not the best one.

 

Still, though, as man, I have courtesy for fellow guys. I never hit on a girl with a guy. It's just a dick move.

 

I also run into issues asserting myself in a situation like this. I have no middle ground. If a guy gives me a hard time and gets physical after asking him to move on, I'm likely to put him in the hospital. Not very good at fights because i don't like losing or even getting hit. I prefer to seriously injure people who go to physical. With weapons. No idea how to wrestle or have some stupid boxing match. I'll go straight to life or death.

 

Wrecking someone doesn't go over well.... and you can even kill people with one punch. Happens a lot. I'm not interested in legal problems stemming from some stupid bar situation. Also, girls tend to think you are overreacting if you get too protective in this situation.

 

SO... it leaves you in this catch 22 where you don't want to be assertive and start down a road that will end badly, or... just wait it out.

 

Not an easy situation.

Edited June 7, 2014 by nofeelings22

[nofeelings22]

How is this assault?

How is clubbing the equivalent of soliciting a prostitute?

 

 

It's a quick fix to a need they want filled. Just like hiring an escort.

 

Makes them feel fulfilled in an emotional way, while the escort makes a guy feel fulfilled in a physical way. Both outside of the couple in question, both a form of cheating, both mostly meaningless.

[nofeelings22]

The OP is confused and frustrated and guys who are pissed tend to exaggerate things. His equating such is nonsense, of course.

 

OP, these types of things happen in clubs where there is alcohol involved. Even when I was in my 20s I didn't drink much b/c knew what craziness that could cause. Went to bars and clubs on occasion, but tried to stay away as much as possible b/c of the crap that goes on. You need to step up and let these guys know that your gf is taken, let her know how unsafe it is, she should be making more of an effort to get away from the other guys and you should suggest leaving....if she refuses to leave, you let her know that you are not going to take this and let her know that you are leaving w/ or w/o her.

 

Lol... not pissed or frustrated, just noticing a common situation after being reminded of it. I speak with plenty of oomph and bravado, so my writing style is the same. I do stand by the escort/club ho analogy though. Both fulfill a need in a similar way. Very similar.

 

Not my girlfriend in any of the cases. These are a series of different girls. My view is if I took you to the club, you are with me, period. If I'm not around, do whatever you want. This is more of a respect thing.

 

And yes, I have done this exact same thing you describe. I had literally the best looking short, brunette in a huge mega club in nyc. We were at the bathrooms. She was pretty drunk. On molly too (i don't do drugs). So i go into my bathroom while she is waiting outside the bathroom for me. A guy has her pinned up against the wall close talking with her. I ignore the guy and grab her away. I tell her look... im out of here. bye... and I go to the coat check, ignoring her. I get my coat while she is pleading. She gets really affectionate amd says she needs babysitting and I'm the only guy she is interested in. She leaves with me. We weren't in a relationship, but if i bring you to a club, you should be hanging out with me, imo.

 

And... I met a decent guy this way too, situation completely reversed. His girl would not stop hitting on me and they were out on a date. No matter how I moved, no matter what I did, there she was. He was visibility frustrated. He left and she continued after me. The next time I was out and saw the guy I felt horrible she would do that amnd that i eas in any way involved. So... i was extra nice to him and we became friends.

 

Moral is, this happens non stop for everyone at clubs, but it's a situation i have littke idea how to properly and tactfully handle.

[umirano]

I like drinking with women. It shows me how they handle themselves and this is important to me.

 

Good idea, I should try that too. I'm not drinking in clubs when trying to attract a girl. But before actually asking her out this should prove extremely informative.

[umirano]

And... I met a decent guy this way too, situation completely reversed. His girl would not stop hitting on me and they were out on a date.

 

Yeah, at least one of the fights I got in was bc of a girl behaving like she was single and I didn't notice she wasn't. So those club slnts really make trouble for two people. BF and guys who they hit on or start to hit on them, respectively. I've stopped drinking more than a beer or two a few years ago when I'm out clubbing precisely for that reason. Now I have a better shot at determining whether she's with someone. But I still can never be sure. Hell, the chick could be lying straight to my face when I ask her whether she's single. And I'm fairly certain I've been approache merely to piss off someones BF, to send a message, too.

 

Like nofeelings22 I'm not at all into bar fights. OTOH when someone hits on my girl and doesn't get it after the first time, I'm not going to sit on my ass... But I sure expect a decent girl to do her job in keeping me out of fights, i.e. by not sending the message she wants to be groped or whatever.

 

Let's see what tonight brings

[umirano]

In my experience and thoughts, girls do that when they are not 100% sure of the relationship. (I'm a girl and this is how I feel/act). So they test the water, so to speak. It is what it is.

 

Thanks for being honest as a girl on this thread. Do you think it's ethical though? Shouldn't you address your concerns about the RS first with yourself, a good friend or your BF? Before attracting random guys in a club?

[noww]

Thanks for being honest as a girl on this thread. Do you think it's ethical though? Shouldn't you address your concerns about the RS first with yourself, a good friend or your BF? Before attracting random guys in a club?

 

Absolutely. I have learned my lesson (going to bars whilst having a boyfriend until one night I did a ****ty thing and kissed a stranger).

And now I know to be 100% honest with myself and with my partner how I feel instead of going to bars alone, get drunk and let stupid things happen.

 

But if this keeps happening, then chances are, your partner is not being honest with you and you should sit them down and have a loong conversation about your expections and boundaries in the relationship.

[Imported]

In my experience and thoughts, girls do that when they are not 100% sure of the relationship. (I'm a girl and this is how I feel/act). So they test the water, so to speak. It is what it is.

 

 

Sounds like "monkey branching". Not all women do this, just some girls and you I guess. I am looking for women that don't do that.

 

Reasoning: I might marry this girl. We will probably have rough times. A "monkey branching" type girl may just decide to...uhm..'test the waters...' with another guy to see if she has a better option. I don't want anything to do with that girl other than a blowjob.

 

I'd like a woman that if she is not sure about me, she stays with me till she is sure or she drops me and moves on. Monkey branching is **** behavior and should be looked down upon.

 

I don't cheat, I don't do fkuc-buddy, I don't monkey branch. I have relations with a girl to see who she is and those relations ends before I try a different girl.

[nofeelings22]

Yeah, at least one of the fights I got in was bc of a girl behaving like she was single and I didn't notice she wasn't. So those club slnts really make trouble for two people. BF and guys who they hit on or start to hit on them, respectively. I've stopped drinking more than a beer or two a few years ago when I'm out clubbing precisely for that reason. Now I have a better shot at determining whether she's with someone. But I still can never be sure. Hell, the chick could be lying straight to my face when I ask her whether she's single. And I'm fairly certain I've been approache merely to piss off someones BF, to send a message, too.

 

Like nofeelings22 I'm not at all into bar fights. OTOH when someone hits on my girl and doesn't get it after the first time, I'm not going to sit on my ass... But I sure expect a decent girl to do her job in keeping me out of fights, i.e. by not sending the message she wants to be groped or whatever.

 

Let's see what tonight brings

 

Yeah, certainly can never trust if they have boyfriends.

 

I remember in college one time meeting and sleeping with a random girl. I wake up in the morning to her crying and rushing me out.

 

I'm a pretty caring sort of guy with girls, so i was worried about her. Asked her what was wrong, etc....

 

Her reply is, "I have a boyfriend!" (followed by huge amounts of crying)

 

I just left at that point.

[preraph]

To me, it sounds like the girls are free agents until you have made some sort of commitment with them. Going out to a club together is kind of ambiguous, you know. Is it a real date or not? Or are we both just going clubbing together and whatever happens happens?

 

So if you want exclusivity, form that commitment and THEN if she lets herself flirt around in front of your face, then you walk out of her life because that's rude, and that's on her.

[noww]

Sounds like "monkey branching". Not all women do this, just some girls and you I guess. I am looking for women that don't do that.

 

Reasoning: I might marry this girl. We will probably have rough times. A "monkey branching" type girl may just decide to...uhm..'test the waters...' with another guy to see if she has a better option. I don't want anything to do with that girl other than a blowjob.

 

I'd like a woman that if she is not sure about me, she stays with me till she is sure or she drops me and moves on. Monkey branching is **** behavior and should be looked down upon.

 

I don't cheat, I don't do fkuc-buddy, I don't monkey branch. I have relations with a girl to see who she is and those relations ends before I try a different girl.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that ALL women do this, of course they don't, that's ridiculous hehe. I meant, most women who DO do this, that's, imo, the reason behind it. Why else would you go to a club alone, get drunk and dance with strange men? No other reason that to test waters compute in my mind!

[Keenly]

If she didn't shut down fellow suitors as soon as they clearly expressed interest , I'd be pissed.

 

 

Id start a conversation with her about it and how I feel about it, and why it brothers me. If her reaction is anything other than I'll never let it happen again because I respect you and our relationship ( like if she gets defensive, or if she insists she can talk to / flirt with anyone she wants, including while she is out with me ) I tell her to find her own ride home, and a new boyfriend.

 

 

 

I was in a relationship where there was no respect coming in my direction. Rest assured that situation will never happen again.

[Spectre]

Yeah I have to say..if i was with a girl, she damn well better be shutting down every guy who hits on her. I hate it when women play this crap pf "oh I didn't want to hurt his feelings" or anything, but it is totally okay to mess with my feelings. Bottom line, if your girl doesn't make it crystal clear to these guys she is taken the SECOND they show an interest..then something is wrong.

[Baller25]

Also I think you have it backwards, cheating is not a reason for the cheater to end it. It's the cheater ending the RS without telling the betrayed partner. In a non-marital setting it leaves the betrayed partner pretty much without a choice other than breaking up.

 

You'll be surprised how many girls cheat as a breakup alternative. Rather than actually breaking up (seeing the guys face, him crying like a bitch, him begging for her back, etc) she'd rather just cheat and then have him break up with her and she being on the defending end.

 

I've never been cheated on (or at least that is what I think), but I've been told by girls that I've dated and female friends that the reason I said before is the main reason why women cheat. The reason why it isn't on TV, blogs or magazine is because it makes women look like cowards and of course we can't have that right

 

I think the reason why you see club fights and aggressiveness as the OP said is because it's much easier for the bf to blame the guy rather than actually face up to the fact that he's dating a ratchet hoe.

[nofeelings22]

"I think the reason why you see club fights and aggressiveness as the OP said is because it's much easier for the bf to blame the guy rather than actually face up to the fact that he's dating a ratchet hoe."

 

Dying laughing here... ha ha ha

 

Probably pretty accurate.