When is it justified to say, "Sorry just doesn't cut it?"

[SgtShorty]

I feel terrible. My boyfriend of four years had this special event he was involved in, and I overslept through right through it! I felt awful when I awoke and the time was a half hour after the event started!

 

He came home, and was so angry. That's an understatement. He was furious at me. I cried. I said I was sorry. I said that spent the day preparing little things to offer him, to show how bad I felt, and how I understood how bad it must have felt. I begged for forgiveness. I said what I did was utterly stupid.

 

He was silent for a bit, and then said "Sorry just doesn't cut it." I don't react well to that. Or I didn't at first.

 

You see, in context, when I feel that he has done something, and I rage and scream, he doesn't respond very well. In fact, the last time we fought, he got tired, and went to bed saying that we would talk more later, and awoke and nothing was said. I let it drop and acted normally. Now what he "does" is an everyday thing. I feel that the dynamics of our relationship has changed and I felt it was verging on some emotional abuse. Less affection. Little to no concern for what's going on in my life - i.e. rarely asks how I am, and when I tell him, he reacts in silence, and when I call him on it, he says that what I said didn't merit any response from him but that he was listening. He then says, "we have different ways of communicating." and leaves it at that. He says that the frequency of our sex lives gets in the way of his focus. He has said that the relationship in general has gotten in the way of his focus. (He has had a string of jobs, on and off, for four years. He is not sure what career or pasttime he wants to pursue.) Meanwhile I pay for most of the bills, have been covering rent while he finds more meaningful work and "himself", and I don't pressure him into doing what he doesn't want.

 

I feel that I did screw up. Big time. I acted in an inconsiderate way - this one time. And I can't make up for it because it was a once in a lifetime thing. (Not his graduation or something. A project he had been involved in which opened.) I didn't mean it. I feel terrible and I want to show that to him. But I feel that he is acting like he has been waiting for this chance to be bitter at me. I honestly have not "done" anything to hurt him or be inconsiderate like this once ever in our relationship. I know that this event meant a lot to him, and I want to give him time to get out the anger, but I also feel that he doesn't see this in the larger context of how unfailingly supportive and conscientious I have been towards him every other day of our relationship - for four years. Why does he have to say to me that he is going to hold on to this anger? I have to muzzle mine every day he doesn't reciprocate the attention and support I give. God, I screwed up this ONCE!!!!! I know it's big, I mean HUGE to him, but I didn't cheat on him. I was not dishonest. I was not intentionally callous. I acted stupid and inconsiderate.

 

He even said that I was so inconsiderate that I was willing to pay the price of "feeling bad" later, and not show up. That signalled to me, that he was nurturing fantasies that were just plain wrong. I told him don't let bitterness eat you, but he seems to want to hold on to the right to be bitter.

 

Any suggestions for how I can respond?

[CurlyIam]

Sure I have lots of suggestions. Tell him you won't pay the bills anymore. You'll see how gratefull he'll be after that.

 

I mean, he's a miserable, unfocused, undecided leech. Sorry to be so cruel. He had 4 years to prove differently.

 

And he's mad at you for it, when he should be mad at himself.

 

Tell him to pack his bags anf leave if what you did is so unforgivable. Girl, you have to turn this around, because sooner or later everybody screws up. We all do. No one is perfect. NEver. The way we handle these imperfections makes us whom we really are.

 

Tell him to move his arse since you've overslept because you were tired, because you have to WORK in order to have the bils paid. Should he want you rested and relaxed, he should go out there and get a JOB.

 

My friend, this a mind game. His way of manipulating you. Sorry, I'm afraid you're being a bit taken for a ride.

[seahorse]

Hi Sgt Shorty,

 

I can't believe he is being so emotionally cruel to you. He sounds very cold and callous to think that you would deliberately miss his big day, and then to punish you for it, like parent with a naughty child.

 

From what you've written you're worth more than that. You've supported him, financially and emotionally, through a few years of his not knowing what he wants to do with himself, also put up with his not being able to apologize to you when HE cocks things up.

 

Looking at it objectively, I wonder why you're still with this man? He's not giving you what you need, not emotionally, not financially, (which may seem a greedy way to look at things, but he should at least pay his OWN way), and he's certainly not making you feel very good right now.

 

Okay, you made a mistake, I've slept past a few things myself; these things happen. It's not the end of the world, and you can tell him that if he thinks thats a serious thing that you did, tell him things could be a lot worse. You've both got your health and no one is wondering where the next meal is coming from. If he wants it to be worse, then kick his arse out the door. Then he'll know what's worse.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Its probably not the event that is at the bottom of his anger. From your post, it sounds like he is going through an emotional withdrawal from you as a direct result of his own shortcomings: and was looking for the perfect deal breaker to pin his anger/sadness/frustrations onto. He is letting you know in a variety of ways that his emotional investment in this relationship is dwindling. This is the part of the 'falling out of love' process that people begin to see - emotional and physical distance, less concern for the partner's feelings/concerns, lack of interest in the partner's life or situation, etc. As he is there spinning his wheels, he is also allowing his feelings for you to diminish.

 

The part you need to understand is that it is probably not you - this process has little to do with the partner. His emotional withdrawal is his, and his alone. I expect he feels guilty, sad, angry, frustrated - because despite the fact that you aren't really causing it - he is falling out of love with you anyway. He doesn't want to blame himself, so he finds ways to make it seem like your fault. He shuts you out, makes you seem like you are slowing him down, makes you feel like you are failing in some way... pretty much anything to take the weight of the guilt off his shoulders. I expect he was relieved to find some way to vent his anger at you.

 

He has a lot going on right now, it sounds like. Guys don't like to feel aimless and unable to provide - he could be depressed, guilt-ridden, frustrated, stuck in a situation that leaves him no real motivation to change, - you name it. But the bottom line is, he's bringing it on himself. If he is unhappy, he could just leave - but instead he's sticking around and making it seem like you are responsible for making his life miserable. He can't be happy in the relationship and love you, if he is unhappy with himself and hates his own situation. Its a handy excuse to perpetuate his own misery and take the focus off the fact that he is blaming everyone else for his situation but himself. He's forcing you out, and he's making you take the blame for his falling out of love with you - when really, it had very little to do with you.

 

This guy needs a square kick in his self-pitying, irresponsible pants: he needs to be cut loose and forced to take responsibility for his own actions and get his act together. Maybe that would be the best thing for him: it would seem like you are giving him the boot, but really you are freeing him from an enabling situation that would force him to really find himself, get his act together financially, and learn some real responsibility. He needs to find out that his happiness and success is HIS responsibility: not yours. Maybe you can let him know that you love him, but that you cannot continue to allow the relationship to continue on in this way. Let him know that it really is time to find himself: without using you as a crutch and a whipping boy as an excuse to keep from doing that.

[SgtShorty]

Thanks for the responses. Objectively, you're all right. And I have asked him to leave. Actually more like begged and beseeched him. I've also said get some balls and walk away, you are not making me feel good about myself. That was that last fight I mentioned, and that is when he couldn't handle responding, went to bed, and woke up all hunky dory. I know that it is probably the healthiest thing for the both of us to separate. I'm slowly coming to terms with the possibility of breaking up, and I'm realizing that I won't be bitter.

 

Honestly I know that I have a lot going for me. I am young and I'm on a path that I've always dreamed of being on. I don't make lots of money, but that's okay with me. I love this man because (this will sound just CLASSIC) I know somewhere in him there is the most sensitive and loving soul. Yes, I agree he has been falling out of love. And so am I, I realize, little by little. It's just hard to throw out a man who won't be thrown out. I can't get him to respond to the threats, which after a while do sound like empty threats. He is no financial condition to leave. He owes me a good deal of money, among other bills. I would be definitely hard pressed, since we do live together and share a lease, but I could make it. We both realize this, and of course let things go on. Not an excuse, but there is also the hope that things will change. Because when we have these talks, feelings and sentiments rush in - feelings that we can do it and/or a window opens that sees beyond the crap and sees the beautiful person - which makes the threats fade.

 

I agree that how we handle things when someone is done wrong or does wrong shows who that person really is. If I did something wrong in this case, I do feel bad and I want to take responsibility for my acts. It is true, my biggest beef with him is that he does not take responsibility for his. He blames his father, he blames his relationship with me, he blames living in a certain neighborhood at a certain time in his life - I realize that he displaces so much of his anger, but in his mind he's too hard on himself. Which I think he is as well.

 

So I guess now the question is, if we can't work it out, how do you get someone to leave? How do you, within yourself, really feel and act out that conclusion?

 

Anyways, will keep posting on developments. I will find a way to free myself of anxiety, one way or the other.

[seahorse]

Well, if you really can't make him see that you want him to leave - what does your lease agreement say? Is there any way to get him taken off the lease, and just change the locks, lol.

 

Hmm, that might be a little extreme - hopefully you'll have worked it out before then.

[ggallin13]

Whatever is going on with this guy, get out fast. I have no idea why women date men without jobs, are emotionally withdrawn, and can't talk about their feelings or the relationship.

 

Sad when there are men out there who can do all of those things and they are alone. Moreover, they pick women who mistreat and abuse them. Love is weird.

[Jilly10340]

OMG you really need to leave! I've been in your exact situation: loser boyfriend, finanancially dependent on you, emotionally closed off, cold, mean....it was hard to let him go but I knew that I had too. I never thought I'd get over it, but now that's he's finally in the past I thank GOD that I've moved on and he's out of my life so I can be with someone who actually cares about me enough to not treat me like crap all the time.

 

Do whatever you can to get out of the relationship and not waste anymore time on him.