inlin Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 I cant help it but I just cant forgive or be "happy" for her. They usually say that you should be able to forgive. I just cant. I get pissed still. I thought I'd be done with it by now but it seems that its deep ingrained. I dont know if she cheated physically or emotionally but I just can seem to forgive. It kinda ****!n sucks when you did so much for them only for them to ***** on you. Is this normal? 1
Hello201 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 yes mate i fell exactly the same last night i was so angry was talking to a couple of people when "ping " a message you know what it said hi (3rd bread crumb but i know she asked a mutual friend how i was , then she started crying saying "he hates me he must really hate me" i didnt then i dont now) is that it is that all you got really ( this is day 18 of NC for me btw) i laughed that helped keep at it , i dont know when it gets better , maybe you will wake up one day , maybe you wont even notice , but i tell you keeping coming on here we are in this together even thou we may be 0000's of miles apart that doesnt matter . stay strong
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) How long has it been? Takes a while!! You will forgive in time. You sound like me. I am unsure of what kind or how much or when cheating took place, if at all. The thing is, it doesn't really even matter, does it? Bottom line is, she decided she wants something else. Do the details really matter?? You will understand and come to terms with everything in time... Best thing you can do is work on yourself. She's who she is and you can't do anything about that. Work on yourself. That's how you win!!! Edited June 7, 2014 by mtnbiker3000 1
guest572 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Yes i think it is normal. And it's not essential to forgive. Maybe you never will, as long as you don't stay angry forever and never let go, then you will be fine. 1
Randomised Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) Feeling angry is definitely normal. I'm also at a stage where I'm also very angry at my ex for what she did. I'm not going to force myself to forgive her. As time goes by, I think I will just care less and less about her and what she did. It should get to a point where don't feel anything when I think about her (positive or negative feelings). At that point, there is no longer a need to forgive. Edited June 7, 2014 by Randomised
seminoles84 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 You get to a point eventually where you don't care either way I've found. I'm friends with my ex of 4 years from HS and very indifferent about my ex of 2 years in college. The latest one has hit me hard cause we were best friends prior to the relationship so I miss her on multiple levels and I see her almost every weekend. I'll eventually look at her like I did prior to our relationship but this is a girl I'll always at least be friends with. Just working on getting past the romantic feelings. I'm 29 so feel like times a'ticking I feel like to find the right one to have a family with. Haha I digress.. Really you will get to a point where you are indifferent.
Elle1975 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) I cant help it but I just cant forgive or be "happy" for her. They usually say that you should be able to forgive. I just cant. I get pissed still. I thought I'd be done with it by now but it seems that its deep ingrained. I dont know if she cheated physically or emotionally but I just can seem to forgive. It kinda ****!n sucks when you did so much for them only for them to ***** on you. Is this normal? I don't think you have to forgive anything, no. It's a personal choice, not a have to. I do find that holding grudges is not good for me, and bitterness actually is one of my big turn offs. Can't stand a guy blah-blah-ting about about his ex.. "this b*tch".. oh really? Check please! However, like I said, forgiving is not an obligation. In some cultures it's encouraged, in other nothing gets forgiven till it gets settled, and the grudge can keep on going for generations. So.. like I said, it's personal. Does it get in the way of your happiness? Does it add stress to your life? Etc.. And beside, forgiving doesn't mean I'd welcome anybody who hurt me in the past with open arms. Fool me once.. It does mean though that I let it go. I don't want to let it consume me. Edited June 7, 2014 by Elle1975 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Not something you can just decide to do. It happens when it happens... You don't have to let them know, but it will ease the way you feel, and help you to see your role in the RS and BU. Yes, no matter how much you think it was all them and they are so evil, you played a significant part in all of it as well. This is important!!! Introspection will help you choose better partners and avoid similar patterns in the future... 1
Sugarkane Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I really don't see why you should be "happy" for her. Particularly when theres betrayal involved.
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I really don't see why you should be "happy" for her. Particularly when theres betrayal involved. Agreed. 'Being Happy' for her is unhealthy. Forgiving for yourself is healthy!! 2
sugarlove Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I think it's important for you to realise that it's being good to yourself if you choose to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice.. and through that, you'll be able to move on. But to forgive means you have to forgive FULLY, means no hang up on the past mistakes or anything else that might have gone wrong in the relationship. It's choosing to accept that no one is perfect and that if she's not perfect for you, she's not the one for you. I have come to a point whereby I've chosen to do that and have found it easier to move on. The web is a beautiful thing to search on forgiveness and rebuilding trust. I've read all I can about it daily and doing so, have found my burden has lifted. When you learn to do that, you'll find that the future will be filled with positives and no longer filled with hurt or anger. 1
Alexjones1 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Well you get bread crumbs. My ex fiance asked for some time to think so she could be able to come back and be honest. I went nc for 3 weeks. Called and left a message seeing if she wanted more space or if she was just letting me down easy. Been 3 days no call back. I want her to be happy. During this time I have found my happiness which is awesome. So I thank her for this and that is why I forgive her. She can walk out without a fight from me. But I can be respectful and believe what she said when she wanted some space. That's all I can do or anyone else. We only have power over OUR choices. It will get better. Could be tomorrow or 10 yrs. that's all up to how you choose to do that. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Well you get bread crumbs. My ex fiance asked for some time to think so she could be able to come back and be honest. I went nc for 3 weeks. Called and left a message seeing if she wanted more space or if she was just letting me down easy. Been 3 days no call back. I want her to be happy. During this time I have found my happiness which is awesome. So I thank her for this and that is why I forgive her. She can walk out without a fight from me. But I can be respectful and believe what she said when she wanted some space. That's all I can do or anyone else. We only have power over OUR choices. It will get better. Could be tomorrow or 10 yrs. that's all up to how you choose to do that. WOW!! All that in three weeks?? I'm at 15 months and still struggling with everything...
Alexjones1 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 WOW!! All that in three weeks?? I'm at 15 months and still struggling with everything... Well she had been telling me for a while not to do something I a didn't listen. I made a career change and now I see it wasn't for me but more for us. She tried to tell me not to do it. I became internally angry and sometimes took it out on her. Since she left I found my happiness and I am slowly going back the other way. I doubt I will ever hear anything from her. But that's ok. It's her choice to deal with it like that. Yes it hurt for about 11 days. Then I pictured myself before I met her and realized I love that man. That's who i will be and more. You don't need anyone to be happy. If they choose someone else be happy for you that it was now. I mean have you ever been with someone who you didn't love as much as they do you? My best advice. Is be who you were when she met you and not be an ass but be the confident cocky man. I just want to get my ring back and get this all the way over or start a new relationship from the beginning. Bar none
Elle1975 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 WOW!! All that in three weeks?? I'm at 15 months and still struggling with everything... Well, some people heal fast. Some are in denial. Most likely the second.
Alexjones1 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Well, some people heal fast. Some are in denial. Most likely the second. Denial is not knowing. If you know what you are doing no matter what it becomes easier. I am not saying by any means I don't have any love for this person. And the other person would say the same if they were asked. But sometimes some people can't forgive. I am just not pinning or when I do have a thought of her it's a positive one of her being happy.
Elle1975 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Denial is not knowing. If you know what you are doing no matter what it becomes easier. I am not saying by any means I don't have any love for this person. And the other person would say the same if they were asked. But sometimes some people can't forgive. I am just not pinning or when I do have a thought of her it's a positive one of her being happy. You can find so many people who will swear up and down that they aren't in denial, that their ex actually do love them, that the ex will be back. They KNOW, and we're a bunch of idiots and party poopers for saying otherwise. And guess what, the ex ends up blocking your phone number or gets married to somebody else. Right after a bad break up, Id be much less worried about someone if I read "I hate this btch" rather than "I wish her the best". The "I wish her the best" comes after processing the break up.
Ordinaryday Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 if you are in complete 100% NC then whether or not you forgive them is for yourself and not them. I will say one thing though.... I have often had dumpers contact me after long NC... dumpers who treated me like dirt... to let me know that they 'forgave' me.... they had twisted the situation in their minds and they honestly believed I somehow wanted or needed their 'forgiveness'.... and when they contacted me I was PISSED... just leave them alone either way 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Because during a breakup, the dumper will rationalize and justify their actions. They will villainize the dumpee. So, it stands to reason they might feel the need to forgive you. That's some twisted shyte!!! Agreed. If my ex came back with forgiveness for me, I would be pissed too 1
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