chardayze Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 My boyfriend of 2years broke up with me yesterday. We are both 21 and have pretty much been in love with each other for 5years (we had previously dated for a year when we were 16-17). He has been going through a lot this year family and work wise and his moods have been up and down the past few months. I gave him 2 weeks to work out whether he wanted to be with me and yesterday he decided he needs to be alone for awhile. He says he needs time to figure out what he wants in life and who he is and he wants me to do the same. He said he wants nothing more than to be happy with me again in the future and he thinks this time apart will make us stronger for when me hopefully come back together. I am just so upset and I have never been the one who has been broken up with before and I really don't know how to cope. I respect his choice and I do want to be with him again in the future, but I don't want to keep holding on to a false hope that maybe he's just telling me this to make me feel better and to make him feel less guilty. He says he could never imagine himself not being in love with me and that he's so sorry for making me feel this way. He's just making it so hard for me, because I love him so much but I don't want to keep hoping we will get back together incase we don't end up. We used to talk all the time and now I am trying NC but I am already struggling on the first day. I would really appreciate any advice. Thank you.
Griesfootball Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Best thing would be to give it time if it's only been one day, you both will feel a variety of emotions but trust me the worse thing you can do is send emails, texts, and phone calls right away like I have done in the past. Those things don't give each person time to think,
umirano Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Hi chardayze, you're not alone, I want my ex back too and I struggle too. But NC is really the way to go. If you stick around he has the comfort of knowing he can always come back to you. That reduces your value. You have to be rare, if you want to increase your value to him. So stick to NC.
somecamel Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 My boyfriend of 2years broke up with me yesterday. We are both 21 and have pretty much been in love with each other for 5years (we had previously dated for a year when we were 16-17). He has been going through a lot this year family and work wise and his moods have been up and down the past few months. I gave him 2 weeks to work out whether he wanted to be with me and yesterday he decided he needs to be alone for awhile. He says he needs time to figure out what he wants in life and who he is and he wants me to do the same. He said he wants nothing more than to be happy with me again in the future and he thinks this time apart will make us stronger for when me hopefully come back together. I am just so upset and I have never been the one who has been broken up with before and I really don't know how to cope. I respect his choice and I do want to be with him again in the future, but I don't want to keep holding on to a false hope that maybe he's just telling me this to make me feel better and to make him feel less guilty. He says he could never imagine himself not being in love with me and that he's so sorry for making me feel this way. He's just making it so hard for me, because I love him so much but I don't want to keep hoping we will get back together incase we don't end up. We used to talk all the time and now I am trying NC but I am already struggling on the first day. I would really appreciate any advice. Thank you. Why did you break up when you were 16-17?
denxnis Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Learn to listen, this could be one of the most valuable lessons you learn from a relationship. Put your own wants/needs aside and give him what he wants. You may feel helpless, like the ground beneath you is disappearing, but if you stick to your guns and take this time to work on yourself you can come out of this happier than ever before. Don't get sucked into a bunch of drama, learn to love yourself and sooner then later you will find love, joy, and happiness again with or without him.
Author chardayze Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 Why did you break up when you were 16-17? I broke it off with him when he was 17 and I 16. We were both at different schools and quite immature. My mother got quite ill and he wasn't treating me that well. I just didn't feel I should be with him anymore. We were apart for around 9months, but none of us were able to get over each other and I don't think a day passed when I didn't think about him. So we caught up when he was 18 and I 17 and just ended up having an amazing time together and this time around the relationship had been so much stronger.
Author chardayze Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 Hi chardayze, you're not alone, I want my ex back too and I struggle too. But NC is really the way to go. If you stick around he has the comfort of knowing he can always come back to you. That reduces your value. You have to be rare, if you want to increase your value to him. So stick to NC. Thank you for your words. I am finding this so difficult, it is only the 2nd day apart so I know it's normal to be feeling like this it just sucks. I'm just confused as to what I should do, as I agree that he really needs this time to go and figure himself out and I believe I should do the same. He told me that he wants to be with me so badly and that he is not breaking up with me so that he can get with other women, he said he is not interested in that at all and doesn't think he will. And that he wishes he didn't have to end things and that when he has found what he is looking for he will want to come back and be with me and settle down. But he has no idea how long it will take, whether it will be a few months, a year , 2years.. It just makes it so difficult for me because I want that to happen so badly and I completely see myself with him in the future. But i don't want to be waiting around for him and he knows that. I will have to go on with my life without him and if I do end up meeting someone new then we will see. I guess only time can tell. I did discuss with him that I don't think we should have contact because if he had to break up with me for this then keeping in contact just contradicts his decision as he says he has to do this without me. I will try my best with NC but do you think NC will make him miss me more/increase my value to him and maybe hurry up this process of finding himself so that he can come back to me. Or do you think it will be the same either way with or without NC? Sorry if that is long to read. Really appreciate your/everyone else's words.
Author chardayze Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 Learn to listen, this could be one of the most valuable lessons you learn from a relationship. Put your own wants/needs aside and give him what he wants. You may feel helpless, like the ground beneath you is disappearing, but if you stick to your guns and take this time to work on yourself you can come out of this happier than ever before. Don't get sucked into a bunch of drama, learn to love yourself and sooner then later you will find love, joy, and happiness again with or without him. Thank you for your kind words.
umirano Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Thank you for your words. I am finding this so difficult, it is only the 2nd day apart so I know it's normal to be feeling like this it just sucks. I'm just confused as to what I should do, as I agree that he really needs this time to go and figure himself out and I believe I should do the same. I totally get you. I'm 4-5 days since the last one liner reply to my ex and about 2 months since BU. It is hard, I know. I play video games, go out to clubs or festivals with friends, hit the gym, hikes with friends. Find something you can do, preferably with other people. He told me that he wants to be with me so badly and that he is not breaking up with me so that he can get with other women, he said he is not interested in that at all and doesn't think he will. And that he wishes he didn't have to end things and that when he has found what he is looking for he will want to come back and be with me and settle down. But he has no idea how long it will take, whether it will be a few months, a year , 2years.. Ex says the same things, almost to a t. But realistically, words are just that. Action speaks stronger. What are you going to do if you see a pic with another woman having her arm around his neck? When he gets back to you telling you to move on, as he found someone else? You're setting yourself up for a world of pain if you keep your hopes too high. Make yourself rare. I've done something stupid this week and replied to a breadcrumb. In another thread a poster gave the right advice: If something is coming reply with "Don't contact me unless if you want to get back with me.". NC is essential! It just makes it so difficult for me because I want that to happen so badly and I completely see myself with him in the future. But i don't want to be waiting around for him and he knows that. I will have to go on with my life without him and if I do end up meeting someone new then we will see. I guess only time can tell. Exactly. Remember, you have no guarantee whatsoever. Words can sugarcoat many things. He may even sincerely believe what he tells you, but he will not be able to fight his feelings or emotions because he remembers promising you another outcome, neither will you. So promises of that type ("I will probably get back to you, I see myself with you...") are a slippery slope. You simply cannot organize your life around a possibility like that because every relationship is a serious investment of time and other resources on your part. For very much the same reasons I start dating and I'm open to meet other girls. I still love my ex, and I still hope she'll come back and we can work out for us to be together. But I cannot act as if it's just a matter of time. It isn't. She could be screwing someone else right now as FWB and I doubt I'd be able to take her back or she could be falling for someone romantically who just happens to be in the lucky position of being closer geographically to her. If I call or email her and she tells me she's sorry, it won't work out the way she thought I'll be in the toilet emotionally. So I'll just not go there, and I suggest you do the same. They have to come back. They broke up, they have to extend their hand and 180 on the BU. Not us. I did discuss with him that I don't think we should have contact because if he had to break up with me for this then keeping in contact just contradicts his decision as he says he has to do this without me. Exactly, that's precisely what it is. I know it's clear from an intellectual POV and I also know it's really hard to live up to the intellectual insight in real life. I just failed myself this past week. I'll be a better dumpee next time. I will try my best with NC but do you think NC will make him miss me more/increase my value to him and maybe hurry up this process of finding himself so that he can come back to me. Or do you think it will be the same either way with or without NC? No, it will not be the same either way. It's what you say in the first sentence. If you are always there they always have the comfort of talking to you, reassuring them that being BU isn't that bad. That makes them more confident and thus more likely to explore. Being more confident also makes them more attractive when meeting other potential partners. It also gives them the impression if things do not work out with a new potential partner they can always fall back on you. Check http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/462922-if-you-want-them-back and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide Sorry if that is long to read. Really appreciate your/everyone else's words. No worries dear
Recommended Posts