Leroy82 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) I've been dating a girl I met online two months ago. She has two kids. I really like her a lot but I feel miserable because I feel like I'm perusing someone who dosn't want to be perused. I know dating 101 never date a girl who just ended a marriage. She just got a divorced a month ago after 7 years of marriage. Anyway, the fist 6 weeks were really great but now she's becoming distant and not responsive like she use to. Three days ago I asked her if she's okay. She said yes but has panic attacks when she thinks of getting involved with someone again and it would be nice if we slow down. Also she pointed out that she still wants to date me but she's afraid I'll hurt her. I didn't get mad. I just said I'm here for you and I have no attention on hurting you. As for slowing down. We can't go any slower because we only get together once a week because she has her kids. We've not spoken in two days. I want to do NC and because my heart is saying its over because she's not over her marriage and needs to get better and she can't do that with me by her side. And she doesn't like me as much as I like her. And that just make me feel bad. Why join a dating site if you know you're not ready. Why lead a guy on? I feel like crap because I'm crazy about her. I did text her yesterday a simple I miss ya. No response I also don't want her to think I wasn't there for her and just bailed when things got hard...Thoughts? Edited June 7, 2014 by Leroy82
germain Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 My perspective is it's like this: She honestly, 100% is afraid of being hurt by someone else again. And this has NOTHING to do with you specifically I imagine. Her telling you that and that she wants to continue dating you shows me that she really does care about you and wants to see where it goes. But the problem lies on your end. You've got to be willing to take it slow. A lot of people will date after a marriage just to fill that void, to feel wanted and loved again. Most of the time I would argue it's just a temporary relationship and nothing to invest yourself into. But it seems like you guys have kept it going, and she likes that. The solution I think is to be understanding (even if you aren't totally) and willing to take it at her pace. Otherwise you will drive her away, I promise you this. If this isn't something you can handle, I suggest you make your exit - as much as it'll hurt. Going NC or playing any sort of games will just reinforce the idea that she is likely to get hurt again, and she will make the decision to leave for you. If you really care about her, you've got to pick one and be open and honest with her about it.
Author Leroy82 Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 My perspective is it's like this: She honestly, 100% is afraid of being hurt by someone else again. And this has NOTHING to do with you specifically I imagine. Her telling you that and that she wants to continue dating you shows me that she really does care about you and wants to see where it goes. But the problem lies on your end. You've got to be willing to take it slow. A lot of people will date after a marriage just to fill that void, to feel wanted and loved again. Most of the time I would argue it's just a temporary relationship and nothing to invest yourself into. But it seems like you guys have kept it going, and she likes that. The solution I think is to be understanding (even if you aren't totally) and willing to take it at her pace. Otherwise you will drive her away, I promise you this. If this isn't something you can handle, I suggest you make your exit - as much as it'll hurt. Going NC or playing any sort of games will just reinforce the idea that she is likely to get hurt again, and she will make the decision to leave for you. If you really care about her, you've got to pick one and be open and honest with her about it. Thanks for the reply. I do think she likes me. I really do. And I've never pressured her into seeing me more. I'll give her space and see where it goes. She knows I'm hear for her. I've told her that. At the end of the day I need to look out for myself.
kane30us Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) This is a hard one. You did the right thing by saying you will be there for you. I was in the same situation a few years ago. I dated a girl for a wile right after her devoice. She basically gave me the same speech. Not ready, slow down, panic attacks. But I still want to see you! Once I read your post I was like. Been there!! I kept dating her and it was a mistake. I felt so lonely. I mean l liked her but it felt bad because I wanted more out of it and she just wasn't ready. I never lost it or got mad. I understood where she was coming from and I was always there for her. But, the heart wanted more. And I never was happy because I know her heart wasn't in the same spot. I kept waiting for her to get to where I was with her. It never happened and It was a hard one to get over because I felt like a transition guy or rebound guy. I know she liked me. Just not as much as I liked her. It was the reason why I joined this blog. I'm not saying leave her but be careful and it will not hurt to leave her a lone for a few days. And are you exclusive with her? If not, meet other ladies. Go on dates. A relationship won't work if the two people don't want the same thing. The longer you stay in this its gong to harder to get over. So be careful dude!! Edited June 7, 2014 by kane30us
germain Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 This is a hard one. You did the right thing by saying you will be there for you. I was in the same situation a few years ago. I dated a girl for a wile right after her devoice. She basically gave me the same speech. Not ready, slow down, panic attacks. But I still want to see you! Once I read your post I was like. Been there!! I kept dating her and it was a mistake. I felt so lonely. I mean l liked her but it felt bad because I wanted more out of it and she just wasn't ready. I never lost it or got mad. I understood where she was coming from and I was always there for her. But, the heart wanted more. And I never was happy because I know her heart wasn't in the same spot. I kept waiting for her to get to where I was with her. It never happened and It was a hard one to get over because I felt like a transition guy or rebound guy. I know she liked me. Just not as much as I liked her. It was the reason why I joined this blog. I'm not saying leave her but be careful and it will not hurt to leave her a lone for a few days. And are you exclusive with her? If not, meet other ladies. Go on dates. A relationship won't work if the two people don't want the same thing. The longer you stay in this its gong to harder to get over. So be careful dude!! Sometimes being understanding isn't enough, I've learned as well. If it's not what you truly want, it can potentially drive you crazy being deprived emotionally.
Author Leroy82 Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) Sometimes being understanding isn't enough, I've learned as well. If it's not what you truly want, it can potentially drive you crazy being deprived emotionally. I was fine with the slow down part but when she said she's having panic attacks. How do I continue to see her after that? I want her to be happy not having panic attacks when she thinks of serious relationships with me. She needs to feel better about herself again and I'm not sure dating me or anyone can help her. So I feel I have to let her go or give her space. I need someone who is happy and wants see me more, not less and sees a future with me. Does that make me selfish? I'll give her space and see what happens. Edited June 7, 2014 by Leroy82
kane30us Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Another thing I forgot to mention, I believe she lost respect for me. I'm sure she was thinking why is this guy still with me? I kept thinking if I showed her how much I want and like her, she'll love me for it, when she come around. All it did was make me look desperate and needy. Its a lonely feeling to stay with someone who isn't emotionally ready to give you what you want. Not blaming her at all. Divorce is a hard thing to get over. We all understand here. I'm just giving you my story.
PegNosePete Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 It sounds like she is very much not over her divorce. If I were you I'd sit her down and have a conversation about this. I don't think she'll disagree with you. Tell her that you very much like her and when she is ready for a relationship, to give you a call. I'm not sure why the above poster is suggesting an astrology chart on every post he/she makes. Seems like a vested interest/advertising thing to me. Crazy advice.
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