Broke up last night, am I stupid?

[strzeznik]

Hi, I broke up (sort of) with my boyfriend last night, and this "no contact" thing is new to me. It seems like a sensible idea, except that I've never been strong enough to make it work the previous times.

 

Here's the brief story: we've been going out for over 3 years, and I know he loves me heaps. I think I do too, although I'm confused about whether its in the same way. We were closer than close, and he's my absolute best friend, I tell him everything. He's the nicest guy you can imagine, and he's totally devoted to me. I've always been the one with a bit of a wandering mind. Ultimately, this wandering mind led me to try breaking up with him on several occasions, but a mere kind word or sight of him will make me bawl my eyes out and make up with him. Sad, I know, but being with him was like being home. I'm about to bawl as I type! Anyway, but this time even he realises that perhaps breaking up will be better for both of us. I'm always wondering what its like to get out there and date other guys, even though I'm sure I'd end up thinking he's the best one for me.

 

The problem with no contact is that (and I know many people are going to groan about this) he's my only friend. I had a bunch of friends at uni, but let's just say it "didn't work out" and they were really really boring and even after 4 years together we don't know anything about each other, so I cut contact with them. Then there was another guy friend I was really close with, but he went all wierd on me and demanded more attention from me than was proper, and we parted ways with a massively vocal fight. If I have no contact with my boyfriend, I'm gonna go absolutely NUTS. I don't know if I'm strong enough! Can anyone give me a bit of advice? Is no contact truly necessary? I'm bawling my eyes out every ten minutes! Am I being stupid for breaking up with the nicest guy I'll probably ever meet?

 

Also, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and against our better judgement, he wants to celebrate it anyway as a sort of farewell thing. I don't know HOW i'm going to survive that without bawling in the restaurent =(.

 

Thanks for any advice! *SOB*

[Tony]

Having even rare contact with a guy you obviously love and care about will make it very difficult for you to date others and especially to form a relationship with another person. Frankly, I think you will need time to get over this guy before you become interested in seeing other people in earnest.

 

I understand how you feel and you obviously aren't ready yet for a lifetime committment. You need more time to play the field. I suggest that, when you feel you're ready, you date around somewhat. Play the field before you settle on a relationship with somebody. It's highly likely that when you start dating a lot you will see what your choices are, satisfy that curiosity and want your boyfriend back. Just know he's not obligated to be there for you if and when you make that decision (if you do). He's probably wanting somebody who is more in a place to be devoted to him over the long haul and he likely may find that.

 

Love is so much about timing. It's just NOT your time to be making a lifetime committment. It sounds like you would forever regret not having seen what else is out there. However, just be mindful of the Better Deal Theory: No matter who you pick to commit to, there will ALWAYS be somebody better...a Better Deal....out there. If you want to spend a lifetime searching for better deals, you can do that. But, in the end, it's a pretty lonely lifestyle.

 

My guess is you'll meet somebody one day and you'll have absolutely no desire whatsoever to see other people and no curiosity that somebody else may be out there for you. That's the way it usually happens. But there are a lot better dealers out there and let's hope you don't fall for one.

 

There is absolutely no good reason for you to celebrate Valentine's Day with your ex. He is NOT your Valentine at this time. You are a free agent.

[strzeznik]

Thanks heaps Tony! I agree with what you've said, so I hope I haven't done something stupid by getting back together with him. Must be the Valentine vibe in the air... but I just couldn't stand it anymore when we met up, and he'd missed me heaps too. We thought we'd give it another go, although perhaps we should try and find other separate activities to do and make other friends. If even that doesn't work.... then yeah... it just seems so dumb of me to want anything More because he's everything all my girlfriends complain their boyfriends don't have *sigh*. So its worth trying for, right?

[DinNJ]

I think it's obvious, you aren't ready to leave him yet. At least on an emotional level. Usually, when people are FINALLY ready to leave a relationship for good, they have already detached themselves emotionally. YOU aren't there yet, which is why YOU keep crying. Your heart and mind are telling you two different things at the moment. When the two connect, you'll be ready.

[strzeznik]

Yeah, I don't know if I'll ever be emotionally detached enough . I'm usually a pretty strong person and I never cry, but this is pathetic! Oh well, thanks for your comments. I hope this peace lasts a while!

 

By the way dinNJ, love the avatar haha