Jump to content

Do I tell him it bothers me -- at bar with friend chatting up female bartender?

beyondcrushed

By beyondcrushed
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted

beyondcrushed, I'm sorry to say that I think YOU have some serious issues!

 

A guy is quite obviously cheating and you discover this. You gather your things to leave and confront him and of course he lies and lies. Then he physically assaults you. And you choose to stay, refuse to leave until he calls the cops?? WTF girl? You should have been out of there so fast he had to FedEx your shadow to you. When someone hits you, you DO NOT stick around for more! You GET OUT for your own safety!!!

 

You have a daughter to think about. You need to KEEP AWAY from this kind of guy. He is the classic abuser. Seriously for your daughter's benefit if not for your own, you need to learn to spot this behaviour and NOT accept even the slightest part, early on.

 

Readers, do you think something was going on with bartender? Or was I overreacting?

WHO CARES? He is an abusive, manipulative a-hole. Just expunge him from your life ASAP.

 

Why would he jeopardize what we have for her?

He figured he could just manipulate, threaten and hit you until you accept his actions.

  • Like 4
Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

Readers, do you think something was going on with bartender? Or was I overreacting?

 

Why would he jeopardize what we have for her?

 

Did he value me and what we had?

I think that you will be posting in the Abuse section soon about how he hits you and your daughter but you can't leave him.

  • Like 2
kaylan Established Member

kaylan

Posted
Posted (edited)
I've done nothing inappropriate or disrespectful. I've cut off all contact w past men I've had anything with as soon as we got together. The conference was after the bartender. Im at conference now. I went to dinner w my colleague from 5:30 to 7pm then straight to my hotel room. I sent my bf texts n pic of what I'm up to.

He hadn't texted me today, I texted him n he replied w cold one word answers. I knew something was up. Before I left for conference my bf asked me to send sexy pics if me to him. So I sent my bf a sexy photo of myself and he asks if my male colleague likes it. So hurtful. Why? I am so upset with what he asked:**(( I've done nothing wrong especially considering his behavior. And he won't tell me he's upset, although clearly he is. And when he does admit after me prying, he won't tell me why. He just acts out on me....passive aggressive. and when I tell him I'm upset he calls me needy n possessive.

 

How should I respond to his question?

I wont mince words. This dude is acting like a lil b!!tch. Whats with the weak passive aggressive crap? Especially considering how HES THE ONE always hanging out, flirting, and drinking around other women. Yet he has the nerve to get upset about you havign to go away with a colleague for work?

 

I mean, look I can understand partners being insecure about work trips...but all of you work together! So its not like he doesnt know the complete truth about the trip...and its not like he doesnt know your colleague.

 

Dump this guy if you havent already. Homeboy doesnt respect you and is a child. I would have dumped a girl who drank a lot and hung out with other men. But the disrespectful passive aggressiveness would have had me tell her off.

 

EDIT: Just read the hitting part. This guy would have broken fingers if you were a woman in my family. Jeez....why arent you completely gone from this drama already? This kinda behavior youre exhibiting OP is the kinda stuff that scares off decent guys. Dont sit and think about this guy. Be happy to leave.

 

Im being honest here. Part of me learning whether or not to date a woman seriously is knowing the kind of men shes dated and how she handled those relationships. You guys both have issues...and you really need to be done with this guy and not care. Have some respect for yourself and completely block this dude out of your life.

 

And this b!!tch-m@de loser threatened your kids. Seriously. Call the police. Why put yourself or your family in danger? This man is weak. A man who hits a woman and threatens her daughter deserves the trouble that comes with a police record.

Edited by kaylan
  • Like 2
GildedLily Established Member

GildedLily

Posted
Posted
Wow.....so I had hard time with the idea of letting go so I didn't. I sent him a text later on in day saying his question was inappropriate and would like to talk about it. He said he wanted me to feel what its like getting accused of cheating. He said he wanted me to feel awful like he did when I got upset and accused him of bartender. I said we dealt with that a while ago and that I don't understand why he's bringing it up again this way. He said he was mostly joking. When I got back from the convention, I told him I still think his question was inappropriate and expect an apology. He said he wouldn't give me one. I said fine. He then basically said he wanted to teach me a lesson so I wouldn't attack him again (basically so I stifle my feelings and not get upset with him again). He basically lied and played it all down. I said, so you purposely chose to hurt me? He said yes. But played it down. Basically, he's turned everything around so its about him (me attacking him and making him upset), not about my feelings over his actions with the bar and the bartender, and being suspicious and amiguous and disrespectful. Right then, I knew I wasn't gonna ever get anywhere with this guy. And he is a liar and manipulator. I shut down. Just let him ramble and smiled/knodded. When he was done, I knew i had to end this.

 

But I just couldn't. Last Friday was his best friend's last day at our work (who he goes to the bar with). So now, Monday and today, of course my bf is making time for me -- coffee, lunches -- both days. Can't help but feel like his second choice. ****. But things have been going great. He's attentive. Fixed my brakes. Once again is talking about a future together. Warm, affectionate. The time together has been wonderful. For the first time he's come super close to expressing his love for me -- told me he feels exactly for me as the words in the song, "Is it Love" by Whitney Houston remade by Sam Smith. Then he played it for me. It made me cry. What I was waiting for for 4 ****ing months, or actually the whole time I've known him. And tonight was another great night.....until.....

 

He hopped in the shower and he left his cell unlocked. I thought about looking at his Blackberry messenger messages between him and the bartender. ( note: when I accused him of sleeping with her and he offered to show me their msgs between them, he took back his offer when I took him up on it. Said they were none of my business. So of course it makes me more suspicious.) So, I do it. I quickly open his conversation with her and read the msgs. Wow. He has erased historical messages and only had on there messages going back to Wednesday. LOL. I knew he'd erase them the day he denied me access to them. Anyway, their messages show that they clearly have a "special" friendship. Cozy happy giddy messages. Nothing like how we message. So this past weekend we go on a camping trip together with our kids. I guess she went on a motorcycle ride. He asks her, "How was your ride pumpkin?" WTF?!!! Then, I guess he hasn't seen her for a while (because he was camping and wasn't at bar Monday and today ) and she asks him, "Do you miss me?" He replies, "Terribly". WTF?! Then he confirms plans he's made with her to go on a motorcycle trip out of town for a few days (conveniently the week I'm gone overseas). She says yes but has to check with her husband. She then asks him, "Will my bff be there????" She's referring to me. He replies, "No she won't, LMAO". WTF?!! So now I'm a joke to him and to her. He must of told her how I suspect something and now he makes me a joke. So disrespectful to me and what we have.

 

I gather all my belongings and confront him when he walks out of shower. He's caught off guard and of course says he doesn't know what I'm talking about. Nothing is going on. That's just the kind of relationship they have. That's how they talk. I said, does her husband know that's how you two talk?? I said I can't believe this. I thought you loved me and I believed your bs. And I fell for it....AGAIN! He was adamant nothing is going on. I started looking through his other texts then he said stop and give back his phone. I wouldn't and tried wrestled it from me. He said he'd hit me if I didn't and he hit my face. I gave back the phone. Then he said its over and he wants me to know its over because of me. LMFAO!!! It's over because of you a-hole. I said you can have your bartender. I wouldn't leave his house and he called the cops on me so I left.

 

But before I left we talked and he said he doesn't trust himself to never hurt me again. That I bring out his temper and he doesn't want me near him ever again for fear he'll lose his temper again. Nice. He made some bs lie about how he wanted me to come on the motorcycle trip but no dates worked. He said he wants to have friends who ride and its hard to find. He says he wouldn't spend all his time with me if he wants the bartender. He said he was thinking of all the ways to show how much he loved me i.e. fix my brakes. He didn't want the bartender. IDK. Did I overreact? It's too late anyway. He's completely through with me. I'm getting sad now.

 

Side note: he said when my daughter splashed him relentlessly at the beach camping, and she didn't listen when he said stop, he told me today that next time she does that he'll push and hold her under water to teach her lesson. WTF?! I said, "no you won't"

 

I think i may have dodged a bullet...again.

 

Readers, do you think something was going on with bartender? Or was I overreacting?

 

Why would he jeopardize what we have for her?

 

Did he value me and what we had?

 

Off topic question: When someone says they'll be home "shortly", how long is that generally to mean -- 10 minutes or 1 hour?

 

 

Wow he just admitted he would hurt your child and you are still "sad" about the end of your relationship? You shouldn't have kids.

Diezel Established Member

Diezel

Posted
Posted

Trollers gonna troll.

 

Seriously, if you value your relationship with an avid alcoholic more than your daughter or your own life... then there is something morbidly wrong with you.

  • Author
beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thank you all for responding. Thank you for confirming the obvious. I really appreciate all your viewpoints. Yes, I care about me and my daughter more than this douchebag. No tears shed for him. I am happy it's over and will never go back to him. Even if he comes crawling when he's lonely again. He has major emotional baggage. So screwed up. Train wreck has ended. Thanks all for your support.

 

My exh was the same. But way more loving. Ran between two extremes of love and abuse.

I'm seeing a therapist and working on my self esteem and not choosing these type of men.

 

I deserve better.

 

No longer "beyondcrushed"!! Woohoo!!

Edited by beyondcrushed
  • Like 3
  • Author
beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

I m so grossed out. Just found out from 2 of our mutual friends some s#it bout him. Remember that summer student he made a play for but said he thought she was gross n that they're just friends....well...Apparently he in fact thought she was drop dead gorgeous and kept emailing her after she went away to school. The whole time while he's married. I was also told he does this all the time .He starts things w women w intent. He did it w other colleagues before us. And when he was married. And there were 2 other women he was 'friends' with while w me last yr. One of girls thought he liked her. He is the biggest liar and player. I fell for a womanizer. He was so good at it, not an obvious one. Everything makes sense now. Why he acted certain ways. He must of slept w so many women after w broke up last year . He had FOUR boxes of condoms when we got back together!He said cause he was expecting to have lots sex.But didn't . Liar. I'm sure he was having lots. I feel soooooo stupid!!! He duped me. He played me. I fell for this scum bag. And everyone told me. I saw it myself but didn't want to believe it, n didn't want to believe I was stupid. Soooo angry. He is sick and needs help. Addicted to love n alcohol. Abuses women and threatens to hurt my child.

 

I should of trusted my instincts.

 

Oh well, live n learn. Lucky it was only a year. Dodged a bomb.

 

I am sooo happy to be rid of him!!! I already gave a few men lined up, lol.

Edited by beyondcrushed
kaylan Established Member

kaylan

Posted
Posted

^Good things are over OP. But here's a reality check.

 

No this guy wasnt good at what he did or what he is. You were just bad at paying attention to shady behavior and being done with this guy. Take this as a learning experience and know how to better sniff out crap dudes. Also be strong enough and have enough self respect to move on before sh!!t hits the fan.

 

Good luck in the future.

  • Like 1
amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

Posted
Posted
I feel soooooo stupid!!! He duped me. He played me.

 

I am sooo happy to be rid of him!!! I already gave a few men lined up, lol.

 

Please don't get into another relationship until you sort yourself out? Please??

 

You have terrible judgment in men. Fix that first before you jump into another bed. Pretty please?

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted (edited)

A few men lined up? How about you take a break from guys -- work on your self esteem. You have more important things to do for you then to go out there and make more bad choices when you're not emotionally and mentally healthy. It's not in the least funny when you tolerated so much BS, broke your self-esteem to pieces, only days after a break-up you're jumping on other men. Not good.

 

The man threatened your child and you were still unsure about your own judgement and perception of the situation.

 

Please. Give yourself some time. There is no need to use men to fill your void. The focus now should be solely on you and your child.

Edited by Zahara
  • Like 1
  • Author
beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

Posted
  • Author
Posted
be strong enough and have enough self respect to move on before sh!!t hits the fan.

 

So true. I wish I did. I will be stronger and I won't let this happen to me again. Thank you.

  • Author
beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Please don't get into another relationship until you sort yourself out? Please??

 

You have terrible judgment in men. Fix that first before you jump into another bed. Pretty please?

 

No worries. I'm with you on that. I'm not looking for another relationship at all. Just enjoy my life, have fun and take it easy. Maybe go on a date here and there but that's it.

  • Like 1
amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

Posted
Posted
No worries. I'm with you on that. I'm not looking for another relationship at all. Just enjoy my life, have fun and take it easy. Maybe go on a date here and there but that's it.

 

Good but are you sure you're even ready to date?

 

Why not try going it alone for a while, just to prove to yourself that you can?

  • 1 month later...
  • Author
beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

Posted
  • Author
Posted

So its been one month after that explosive night. We've avoided and ignored each other since. Our friends tell me he felt awful for hitting me. My other friend said she saw him leaving his bar where his "female" bartender friend works. He still frequents the place. Our mutual friend tells me some of the things he's said to him that are about the bartender. My exbf is telling him lies. He must be telling lies so they don't think worse of him having already known that he hit me. Our friends say he thinks I hate him and want to yell at him.

 

I've done my best to let go and not dwell on what I could've done differently. Hitting me and threatening my child are deal breakers, and always will be moving forward. But the things in our relationship that were grey, his behaviour and the bartender, make me second guess. Was I wrong about the bartender the whole time? Am I just jealous and insecure. I wonder because I don't want to repeat it in an other relationship. If it was my imagination, then I need to cool it with the next man. If not, then I can go on my merry way with a healthy man.

 

I've been leaning consistently and heavily towards me having been right to react the way I did given his behaviour. Then......whammo.....I ran into him today at work in the hall on his first day back from a 2 week vacation. We ignore each other. A few hours later he sends me this email:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"I wanted to talk to you but I know it is just too awkward.

 

I cannot believe how things exploded. I am sorry for my behavior and never thought it would escalate that badly.

 

I want you to know I have no malice toward you. It is a shame it didn’t work out between us.

 

I also want you to know that I only talked with Friend1 & Friend2, Friend3 and FemaleBartender (I thought I should give her the heads up since you indicated you were going to talk to her). I am not spreading any rumors about you, talking about you or even mentioning your name…I am truly disappointed it turned out like it did.

 

I hope you can approach FemaleBartender and realize there is only friendship between her and I.

 

Have a great trip with you kids. I wish you all the best!"

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

WTH?!?! Reading this messes me up. It makes me think I was wrong all along about the bartender and him. Makes me think I overreacted. JC. Makes me think I was the one with the problem. Will I do the same thing with all my relationships?? What do you think?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

The minute he hit you, you had to walk away.

 

Giving him a generous benefit of the doubt, we'll say the e-mail if sincere makes him less of a horror show. However, all abusers say they are sorry for hitting you. Based on that you cannot backslide. He's crossed the barrier & it will be very easy to hit you again.

 

Hang tough!

  • Author
beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
The minute he hit you, you had to walk away.

 

Giving him a generous benefit of the doubt, we'll say the e-mail if sincere makes him less of a horror show. However, all abusers say they are sorry for hitting you. Based on that you cannot backslide. He's crossed the barrier & it will be very easy to hit you again.

 

Hang tough!

 

 

I want nothing to do with him ever. I will never go back especially because he hit me, called the cops on me and threatened my child. So hurtful.

 

I think his email is self serving. He wants to ease his conscience and perhaps not cause trouble for him and the bartender.

 

Also, its funny how only now he wants to reassure me that him and bartender are just friends but not when we were together -- when I needed reassurance the most. Instead he hid and erased their texts, and didn't include me during his time with her. What a joke.

 

And his email even drives home how little he cared for me. He uses the words, "disappointed", "shame", instead of "devastated", "very sad", "crushed", "miss you terribly"

 

WTH was I doing with this guy. JC. I am so much happier without him.

Edited by beyondcrushed
  • Like 1
Noproblem Established Member

Noproblem

Posted
Posted

I would worry more about him staying for more than 5 hours at the bar!

  • Author
beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Our friends told me he talked to them last night. He told them about his email he sent me and that he misses me. He also said he's been going over n over again in his head where he went wrong leading up to the explosive night. Man! This all really upsets me. I know he's sincere when he says that to them.

 

Was I wrong about the bartender? Is it really my issue? Jc. I don't want to repeat this jealous behavior n ruin another relationship.

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Nah, I've reflected and its not me at all. He is not well.

  • Like 1
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...