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Dating guys/girls you're not really feeling anything for

orangetree

By orangetree
in General Relationship Discussion

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orangetree Established Member

orangetree

Posted
Posted

Hi,

 

After my recent break up with my ex bf I'm wondering one thing- Can you fall in love with someone even though you're not directly "struck" by love? The reason I'm asking is because I remember when I met my ex I fell in love with him the first time I saw him (well I didn't LOVE him of course, but I instantly had a crush and noticed how perfectly we seemed to connect).

A friend told me yesterday that when she met her boyfriend she never would have thought that that guy will actually be her boyfriend. She didn't feel a huge attraction to him, she found him very nice and sweet, but said he's not her type and it wouldn't go anywhere. Then she spent more time with him though and told me that she kind of fell in love with him very slowly, after spending so much time together she kind of got used to him and liked him more and more.

 

I don't know if that's a thing I could do. Maybe in the future I should start dating guys I don't feel anything for, because maybe there will be something after a while. It's just like I don't wanna date the wrong guys again and "falling in love instantly" hasn't brought me anywhere but to guys who aren't good for me.

 

So what do you guys think? And more important, what are your experiences? Do you have to have a crush on someone immediately to keep dating and falling in love or is it enough to find someone nice and not unattractive to give it a try and see where it goes?

 

 

Thanks.

  • Like 2
Youngblood11 New Member

Youngblood11

Posted
Posted

I know exactly where you're coming from, when I met my ex, I would have never thought she would one day become a girl I would fall deeply In love with. To me she was just another co-worker, another beautiful girl with a beautiful smile. The more she talked to me the more I found myself with these crazy feelings but then I told myself 'chill out, you don't wanna go out with someone you work with'.. My point is I didn't know she also had feelings for me until I asked her out and to this day, that smile is still stuck in my head...

I've been going out with my current gf for 3 months and I am still not in love with her and she knows it but as days go by I find myself liking her more and more. Long story short we met and she's not the type I usually go for but our first date was amazing and she understands me a lot and we're just taking it slow and enjoying every moments.. I hope you get where am coming from!

Don't stop yourself, challenge yourself, take things slow and see where it takes you!

SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

Posted
Posted

You don't have to have overwhelming romantic urges to date someone....., i.e. go on a first, second, or maybe third social outing.

 

But you should have SOME feelings....like at least some interest, mild intrigue, desire to get to know them better, curiosity, admiration, whatever. Those are feelings too.

  • Like 5
LoveIsMyReligion Established Member

LoveIsMyReligion

Posted
Posted

After losing someone you love its hard to give your heart away immediately after meeting someone; we tend to keep our walls up and slowly let them down.

 

Maybe you're not compatible with this new person or maybe you are guarding yourself from being hurt again.

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted

You're talking about the difference between having a crush/infatuation, and not. Personally, I feel that stage of romance is important, as it fires up the desire and romantic feelings like nothing else, and sets the stage for real bonding and long-term attachment/love. However, it's also the most fleeting and easiest to come by. It's easy to crush on your fantasy of someone based on limited information - it's much harder to make the real commitment and do the work required to bond and maintain a good bond for years.

 

I guess I could someday accept a more comfortable relationship without the initial mutual crush - but I haven't given up on the whole shebang yet ;)

  • Like 4
disclosure Established Member

disclosure

Posted
Posted
You don't have to have overwhelming romantic urges to date someone....., i.e. go on a first, second, or maybe third social outing.

 

But you should have SOME feelings....like at least some interest, mild intrigue, desire to get to know them better, curiosity, admiration, whatever. Those are feelings too.

 

I agree with this. First couple dates could simply be fueled by curiosity. I think if you don't feel anything after the first couple dates though, then you shouldn't try to force any feelings by continuing the relationship or hoping that something eventually clicks.

guest572 Established Member

guest572

Posted
Posted (edited)

I fell in love with my ex about 6-7 months into the relationship. Sadly 9 months in, he hadn't and dumped me. I don't really know what my point is, but I guess I feel really hesitant about dating someone i don't have feelings for, or if i get the impression he doesn't feel anything for me, then I will back off because i don't want to go down that path again.

 

Although if we aren't talking about love...in that relationship we did both feel the initial spark and infatuation. So i guess those feelings were there..

 

For me, attraction etc is determined by whether or not i can get him off my mind. If i keep thinking about him and want to see him again then it must be right.

Edited by Brightnight
Wisecrack Established Member

Wisecrack

Posted
Posted

Love and relationships are not like what you see in the movies. Thats probably the bad thing about society and how it drives peoples standards up and awry. It's full of twists and turns. Weigh the guy/ girl up. If there is something in them that attracts you, why not take a punt. Yu'll never know.

Rar0 Established Member

Rar0

Posted
Posted

Why would you date someone you didn't feel for?

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orangetree Established Member

orangetree

Posted
  • Author
Posted

The thing is also that I'd be up to date someone I just maybe "like" to see if it leads anywhere else. BUT what I don't like about today's dating culture is that you directly have to make out after the first date- At least! Or directly have sex. None of them I really want.. I'd prefer to go on a couple of dates before I even kiss a guy. Call me weird or sociophobic, but it happens rarely that I wanna kiss someone the first or second time I see him..

  • Like 2
guest572 Established Member

guest572

Posted
Posted

One thing my ex kept saying in the breakup was that everything was good "on paper" but he just didn't develop those strong feelings, he "really liked" me but it never turned into love *sigh* so NO, use your heart (or gut even) not your head.

Lipitor11 Established Member

Lipitor11

Posted
Posted

I don't really mess with that. If there is a guy that likes me and I'm not feeling anything for him, no attraction, no matter how nice he is towards me, I will not follow though. I mean, and if I did force myself to hang out with him, I wouldn't treat him very nice, probably because I'm not that into him to begin with.

sportygirl89 Established Member

sportygirl89

Posted
Posted

I dated a guy for 2 months. No connection at all. There was physical attraction. But the sex was off, we could not have it no matter how much he wanted it to work out. He was never understanding of my busy schedule so I ended things. He was pressuring me to be more attentive. As I already was with a nursing degree major. I need someone a little more independent. I felt bad breaking up with him. But there was literally nothing there.

umirano Established Member

umirano

Posted
Posted

Hi orangetree,

 

this is the thread that made me aware of the similarity of our situations in the first place :) and made me comment on your other thread in the BU section. I was browsing the Dating section bc I feel weirded out having set up online dating accounts and stuff, 2 months after BU.

 

And I look at these gals, and swipe left or right (Tinder), get messages, wonder whether to suggest dates or not. I just don't see my self growing close to anybody. On one app I wrote I'm looking for casual dating, though I never did that and I'm really not sure I'd just invite a girl in that I physically find attractive but don't connect emotionally.

 

I might go ahead and delete the accounts over the weekend... I mean considering my feelings for the ex, any date that would go somewhere could possibly only be a rebound. Which makes me feel bad inside for the girl already. I wonder whether I could pull it off like this anyway. And on the other hand, going on dates every so often surely must be very exhausting and a disappointment for the most part (for lack of emotional/intellectual connection). Do I really want to do this???

 

Why I put myself out there in the first place was curiosity I guess, and hopes for healing from the BU, diverting myself, maybe a grain of revenge. Looking at it somewhat more objectively while writing down my reasons, they don't look like very good reasons to date, or do they?

readynow Established Member

readynow

Posted
Posted

I somehow think that relationships that start with just a nice liking actually may last longer than the ones that start with infatuation. That's because when the infatuation disappears, many people break up because they aren't feeling it anymore. On the other hand, when you grow to love someone, you see the ordinary bits, the real-life things and you love it anyway , it can only go up from there - feeling-wise of course.

 

I've always only dated people with whom I had that initial infatuation for but when it fades, I don't want to know any more. This is my first like / growing to love relationship and I'm excited to see how far it'll go! It helps that he's head over hills for me though :love:

man_in_the_box Established Member

man_in_the_box

Posted
Posted

It primarily depends on you as a person and whether you can or cannot handle this kind of relationship. Some people value different things in relationships and need very little or no infatuation others absolutely need it for them be content - many people will be somewhere in between. Nothing of that is wrong, weall have different needs and expectations. Just be sure that you know what you need. I wouldnt worry too much about how others fill in this part of their romantic life.

  • Like 1
Damaged217 Established Member

Damaged217

Posted
Posted
Hi,

 

After my recent break up with my ex bf I'm wondering one thing- Can you fall in love with someone even though you're not directly "struck" by love? The reason I'm asking is because I remember when I met my ex I fell in love with him the first time I saw him (well I didn't LOVE him of course, but I instantly had a crush and noticed how perfectly we seemed to connect).

A friend told me yesterday that when she met her boyfriend she never would have thought that that guy will actually be her boyfriend. She didn't feel a huge attraction to him, she found him very nice and sweet, but said he's not her type and it wouldn't go anywhere. Then she spent more time with him though and told me that she kind of fell in love with him very slowly, after spending so much time together she kind of got used to him and liked him more and more.

 

I don't know if that's a thing I could do. Maybe in the future I should start dating guys I don't feel anything for, because maybe there will be something after a while. It's just like I don't wanna date the wrong guys again and "falling in love instantly" hasn't brought me anywhere but to guys who aren't good for me.

 

So what do you guys think? And more important, what are your experiences? Do you have to have a crush on someone immediately to keep dating and falling in love or is it enough to find someone nice and not unattractive to give it a try and see where it goes?

 

 

Thanks.

 

It's definitely possible to fall for someone even though you did not have that initial "spark" or whatever you want to call it. All of my relationships that started with that intense chemistry and whirlwind romance ended badly. Fireworks were not going off when I first met my current boyfriend. But we got along well and I liked him as a person, even though we were fairly different in many aspects. After hanging out a lot, I began to develop feelings of love. Sure it's fun and feels great to have the butterflies and giddy feeling initially but that goes away. I prefer what I have now...a solid relationship and love that continues to grow more and more each day. I know that I love him as a person and am not just infatuated by how cute he is or whatever.

 

I wouldn't suggest starting a relationship with someone you have zero feelings for. You should at least like them as friend and want to learn more about them because they intrigue you in some way.

janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

Posted
Posted

Infatuation can be instant, and it is admittedly fun.

 

LOVE takes time to build. I think if you have known someone awhile and there is NO spark, then dating them (or continuing to date them) doesn't make much sense. That is because for me personally, if there is no romantic component, that is just platonic friendship, and I don't want to be married to a platonic friend.

 

However, I don't think fireworks have to go off right away. If they DO go off right away, you sometimes miss some pretty big red flags because your caught up in the sparkles.

  • Like 1
SolG Established Member

SolG

Posted
Posted

I think that over time most of us develop a reasonably well honed sense of pattern recognition. On first meeting someone in person, it usually doesn't take long to recognise the patterns that tell our gut whether or not someone is a potential keeper. We instantaneously assess their physical characteristics, the way they hold themselves, level of confidence, grooming, choice of clothing, intonation, topics of conversation, micro signals, etc, etc, etc... We process a lot of data pretty quickly. And that generally leads to a level of attraction; or another way of putting it, a subconscious assessment of potential longer term compatibility.

 

I trust my gut. If I'm not feeling it... I don't persist.

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