maysj18 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 So I have a close guy friend who I've known forever. Well, he has a new girl in his life and is always asking my advice (even though he ignores it) because he constantly is getting himself into these conundrums. The whole situation is all too familiar and I wanted to come here and see what you all think about this topic. It's as black and white as this: they started hooking up and she developed feelings for him. They hadn't talked about exclusivity at this point, but when she told him he made it clear he wasn't looking for a relationship. She was hurt, but already emotionally invested and since they live in the same apartment complex, they've continued seeing each other. Now, once I found this out, I told him I thought he was being an *******. Basically, he thinks she's wonderful and the sex is apparently phenomenal but he doesn't want a girlfriend and in his words: "She's so good, but I'm not giving myself to anybody." Sounds me like having your cake and eating it too because I feel she's being drug along. Now, I know that she's being weak and emotionally stupid because she should have turned and ran the second he didn't return the feelings, BUT shouldn't he be taking some responsibility for continuing to have sex with a girl he knows is emotionally invested and is going to end up getting hurt? Recently he actually received a text from a girl in their circle of friends who was drunk and wanted him to "come over" and he was going to go but it was already so late. Well, the girl he's hooking up with obviously found out and was pissed. I mean, one of her friends? Really? Not much of a friend I know, but that's still a double punch in the face. Yeah, I get it. He's single and unattached, but he's choosing to continue to have sex with a girl who is head over heels and I think that does make him somewhat responsible for hurting her. I will just never understand how "good" people can consciously hurt and take advantage of someone else (this goes for men and women) just for sex. Opinions?
ThorntonMelon Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 It's funny that you view it solely as his responsibility. He's been consistent with his FWB, he's followed through on it, no mixed signals...at some point isn't it her issue? He's having consensual sex with a girl he wants to have consensual sex with and being transparent about his intentions. 2
Bruce Leigh Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Men and women have exhibited this type of behavior for years, now they have the hip new term "friends with benefits" to hide behind. And it gets a pass.
Author maysj18 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 It's funny that you view it solely as his responsibility. He's been consistent with his FWB, he's followed through on it, no mixed signals...at some point isn't it her issue? He's having consensual sex with a girl he wants to have consensual sex with and being transparent about his intentions. I said she is being weak and stupid, meaning she is responsible for her actions too. But see, he knows that this isn't a FWB in her eyes. I feel a good person (man or woman), would end this as emotions tend to cloud judgement as many of you know. Once you hear the words "I'm developing feelings", it's no longer FWB. They BOTH have a responsibility to walk away from this now and just because she hasn't because of her feelings, he shouldn't keep having sex with her. 1
pteromom Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 No... he told her he's not interested in a relationship. She chooses to keep sleeping with him. It's her responsibility to stop if she isn't happy with the situation as is. 2
Author maysj18 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) No... he told her he's not interested in a relationship. She chooses to keep sleeping with him. It's her responsibility to stop if she isn't happy with the situation as is. Why? I was on here a long time ago and told a story about great guy friend I had who would have lunch with me after class, study with me, etc. He developed feelings at the beginning and when I told him I didn't reciprocate those feelings, he said okay but still would say things here and there that showed me he wasn't over it. I slowly started backing away until we weren't hanging out one on one anymore becuase I know you can't just turn feelings off and it wasn't fair to him. Everyone knows that. When I shared that story on LoveShack everyone agreed that this was the right thing to do EVEN THOUGH I made it clear I wasn't interested. You can't turn feelings off and you can't stop them from forming- a person may be able to handle FWB relationships, but all it takes is one person with whom you feel differently for and boom. Invested. Edited June 6, 2014 by maysj18 1
Keenly Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 He did his due diligence. He was honest with her. Told her exactly where they stood. Its not his fault she devolped feelings. Its not his fault she keeps coming back. Its not his job to babysit her emotions and keep them in check. Its her job to establish her boundaries. Its her job to see herself out of unfavorable situations. Personal responsnility is what you are trying to absolve her of.
Zahara Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 It's her responsibility to safeguard and protect her own emotional and mental wellbeing. She can't go around living life being weak and stupid and expecting others to make the right decisions for her. That's never an excuse. Regardless of what he should do and should not do and what makes him good or bad, at the end of the day, accountability falls on her. 1
GorillaTheater Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I agree that she has the responsibility to end things, but he doesn't get a pass. I'd argue that if he's aware of her feelings, he has a responsibility to protect her heart, or at least the responsibility to keep from actively breaking it while maintaining a relationship with her (however that relationship is defined). It's kind of cruel, knowing she has feelings for him, but not really giving a sh*t because the sex is great. 7
Author maysj18 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 I agree that she has the responsibility to end things, but he doesn't get a pass. I'd argue that if he's aware of her feelings, he has a responsibility to protect her heart, or at least the responsibility to keep from actively breaking it while maintaining a relationship with her (however that relationship is defined). It's kind of cruel, knowing she has feelings for him, but not really giving a sh*t because the sex is great. That's exactly my point. It's never fair to take advantage of someone because it's so hard to turn off your feelings and actually impossible sometimes. Why does he get a free pass when he KNOWS she has feelings for him? Because he told her? lol, that's ridiculous.
Andy_K Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Empathy. Compassion. If he had any, he wouldn't be doing this to her. He knows she will get hurt. Just because someone puts themselves in a precarious position or does something stupid, doesn't mean it's okay to take advantage of that. It is basic respect and consideration for someone else's feelings. Too many people use technicalities in dating as an excuse to absolve themselves of guilt whilst being as selfish as they possibly can. 5
pteromom Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Well sure - the KIND thing to do would be to stop sleeping with her so she can move on. But she is still ultimately responsible for taking care of herself. 2
Radu Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 The problem is not him really, but you. If you are his friend, you accept him as he is, with positives and negatives. So either accept him, give your advice and leave him alone, or start disengaging because he is a friend who you don't share morals with. Either way, sticking up for one of the sisterhood who you don't personally know and putting her above your 'friend' or, enforcing your own version of morality on him just because you think it is superior ... is really not the way to go. 1
Bruce Leigh Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 So I have a close guy friend who I've known forever. Well, he has a new girl in his life and is always asking my advice (even though he ignores it) because he constantly is getting himself into these conundrums. The whole situation is all too familiar and I wanted to come here and see what you all think about this topic. Opinions? So he is a bit of a player then?
littleplanet Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I said she is being weak and stupid, meaning she is responsible for her actions too. But see, he knows that this isn't a FWB in her eyes. I feel a good person (man or woman), would end this as emotions tend to cloud judgement as many of you know. Once you hear the words "I'm developing feelings", it's no longer FWB. They BOTH have a responsibility to walk away from this now and just because she hasn't because of her feelings, he shouldn't keep having sex with her. Okay. He's doing exactly what he's doing because he can do it. (the lord be praised, apparently.) (And Pop singer cuties have been bellowing about this since forever.) In his eyes - she's expendable. That isn't necessarily an evil thing. But the emotional crapstorm coming in on the next cold front is not exactly something he is completely unanswerable to. He told her what he told her. She told him what she told him. The rest follows..............................................................? A little birdie told him one time that to break hearts is divine, perhaps. (Is there a little bit of growing up that needs to happen on both sides?) Probably. Personally - I'd tend to side more with her......because he's using her. Yes - she's letting herself be used, true. But her emotional investment in him is an affliction that he doesn't have. He's your friend. He's acting like a jerk. As you said: "Why? I was on here a long time ago and told a story about great guy friend I had who would have lunch with me after class, study with me, etc. He developed feelings at the beginning and when I told him I didn't reciprocate those feelings, he said okay but still would say things here and there that showed me he wasn't over it. I slowly started backing away until we weren't hanging out one on one anymore becuase I know you can't just turn feelings off and it wasn't fair to him. Everyone knows that. When I shared that story on LoveShack everyone agreed that this was the right thing to do EVEN THOUGH I made it clear I wasn't interested. You can't turn feelings off and you can't stop them from forming- a person may be able to handle FWB relationships, but all it takes is one person with whom you feel differently for and boom. Invested." (end quote) THIS - says it all.Good friends tell each other when they're being jerky. Goes with the territory. But beyond that? I had a good friend one time who used to collect girlfriends who'd end up throwing his mattress out the window (I kid you not!) because he was just too damned fetching to the opposite sex to ever figure out the concept of monogamy. In time - our friendship became a little......strained. Modern times lead to modern complications. Casual is what it is. Until it doesn't feel casual anymore. Does it come with zero responsibility? (Many would adore this, I'm sure.) Sex has its own little marvelous collection of demons and devils. And all the angels head for the hills. She feels. He doesn't. He's sitting at the poker table holding all the trumps. Fair? Of course not. But everybody needs to make up their own mind just what kind of moral stand they're going to take. I agree entirely with yours, OP. And I disagree entirely with his lack of taking responsibility for consequences. He's an opportunist.
veggirl Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Yes he is absolutely doing a sh*tty thing. Technicalities aside, it's always sh*tty to do things you KNOW will hurt someone else 1
pteromom Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 start disengaging because he is a friend who you don't share morals with. I do agree with this part of this comment.
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